phunt0810 people change…constantly. Change is the norm. Sometimes people in marriages get preoccupied with things and they don’t realize they have changed or their partner has changed and no adjustments have been made for decades. It happens. It’s easy for people to focus on the children or their career or whatever is happening in their lives for many years and they don’t even realize how that focus is impacting their spouse. People don’t decide to divorce in a split second…that decision happens over time. When children grow and leave they start their own families and then what is left for “family” are the two people who began the family. By the time the kids are gone and the decades have passed… a spouse is leaving a spouse…
I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation after being married for so many years.
I had something similar happen to me. One thing I would mention based on your first post is that this idea didn’t come into his head overnight. He has been thinking about this a long time. He maybe already emotionally detached from you. Perhaps he feels the grass is green on the other side. I felt disbelief at first. (that this can’t be happening) I was in denial. Then I was angry. By the time I found out it was too late… He had been planning this for a longtime and even tried to empty out the bank accounts. All our legal and financial documents were taken to his office. Joint credit card accounts were closed and I wasn’t even aware that he was preparing to leave He was already ahead of the game and had already found a lawyer while I was just hearing his announcement.
My word of advice is hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Contact a lawyer to protect yourself. You only can look out for yourself. Don’t delay on this. Therapy could be an excuse for him to get all his things in order.
He may stay with you but I think an element of trust is gone once this issue has been brought up. You can try to repair this marriage but is it ever going to be the same again? Will you be able to trust him again? Suppose a year or two later he says I tried but I want to leave. It’s like trying to repair a broken glass. You may hurt yourself more trying to piece it back together again.
The road ahead is difficult and divorce is a long roller coaster ride even for those who file for it. (and very expensive)
You need a lot of confidence and stamina for that. You need to take care of yourself and put your needs first.
You identity is not your marriage. You are an individual who has the right to make choices in regards to what is best for you. If he does leave don’t blame yourself. The fault is in him if he doesn’t see the qualities you have.
Make sure you are financially protected. Take care of your health. Do things good for your body. Eat well, sleep well, and exercise, meditate. Do things that relax you. Only then will you have the strength to deal with these issues.
Have faith everything works out for the best. You owe yourself to live a happy life. Don’t be a loner.
Have hobbies and outings with friends outside your family. All life you have dedicated to your husband and kids.
Now it is time to be a bit selfish for yourself. You have to be good to you. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Move forward with your head held high and have faith that you will be able to handle anything in life that comes your way.
You deserve every happiness.
@phunt01810 is not a student. The poster is a parent of a college bound student.
I also think the husband is being foolish. Unless the family is extremely affluent where both can live comfortable now and during retirement, I think he’s leading with his little head instead of the one with the brain.
I don’t know who he’s talked to, but it’s amazing how many people don’t really know or consider how much a divorce from a long-term marriage will cost, how much they’ll lose, and how much they’ll be paying attorneys.
^^Once an attorney asks you for a retainer fee reality really hits you hard. No matter how well one thinks they are prepared to go through with it they often get surprised by how financially hard they are going to get hit. The only winner is the attorney who is going to take home a nice paycheck. Running two homes is a lot more costly than living together under one roof. Often the choice is living in less comfort or living together for the sake of convenience and losing your peace of mind. Both choices have positive and negative consequences. There is no perfect solution.
Obviously, if abuse or other similarly bad stuff going on, the situation would be different. But, likely the H has given little thought to the financial impact unless they’re wealthy.
when attys ask for a retainer, often the first amount isn’t huge, so the person might think that’s all that will get spent. Ha! I’ve known couples who’ve had to pay $50k-100k to attorneys…eating up most/all of their liquid cash and then some. Then splitting assets, retirement plans, selling the home (getting the home ready to sell)…it’s all a lot.
If Fauxmaven has been a housewife all these years (sounds like she’s around 60 as well), then not only will H have to pay spousal support, but he’ll be kissing away half of his pension/401k and anything else he had set up to enjoy retirement. I know a husband who was shocked to learn that his good 6 figure income, which he likely thought would be nice “bait” when he returned to the dating world, would be cut by a huge chunk when he was ordered to pay his wife a hefty spousal support amount because she was 60 and they’d been married for 35 years.
Wasn’t there a mom here awhile back whose H moved out and left her “to sell the house,” which meant a LOT of work for her since the home wasn’t in “sell” condition (she may also have had kids living in the home)…and she also was expected to move everything out of the house after the sale? I vaguely remember that.
@mom2collegekids Thank you !!!.. Breaking up the family is never good …better to work on the marriage.
Just because someone is a long time poster, doesn’t make he/she the reasonable one, likewise for newbies. Things happen for a reason. Divorce is not always a bad thing for the right reason. We are hearing from the OP’s point of view. We can all feel bad for people who are going through divorce, but it doesn’t mean the H is not right in wanting out of the current situation either.
Yes, the pension is key if he has one. Not only do you want a percentage of it, but you want it set up so you continue to get paid if he dies. My ex is older than I am, has retired, and I am getting about 40% of his pension – and will until I die no matter what happens to him. I am 53. 
I seriously think more people should consider mediation with a collaborative-style mediator in resolving their divorces. It is so much cheaper, and most average people’s financial affairs really aren’t all that complicated. This obviously works best when both partners work and have fairly similar incomes.
I think a mediator would be helpful if it ever comes to that point where a couple has to come to a settlement agreement. Also keep in mind each states laws are different so depending on which state a divorce is filed the settlement would follow that states rules.
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Yes, the pension is key if he has one. Not only do you want a percentage of it, but you want it set up so you continue to get paid if he dies. My ex is older than I am, has retired, and I am getting about 40% of his pension – and will until I die no matter what happens to him. I am 53.
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Yes…survivors benefits.
Also, you are entitled to collect SS after divorce, based on spouse’s work record if the marriage lasted at least 10 years–yours was much longer.
Pension (if any) and retirement funds are a huge asset and need to be considered in any split.
A key thing is how much the H truly wants out versus the illusions he may have about life will be like for him.
To me it doesn’t sound like OP has distanced herself or embittered herself to H.
H may have some very false perceptions.
Obviously some family situations have put a strain on the marriage.
Every individual needs to find happiness within themselves. Other things may be heavily contributing to H’s unhappiness. Is H generally unhappy and trying to eliminate what he thinks is causing his unhappiness? I would hate for lots of pain, and lots of resources be spent on a divorce only for the H to realize he ‘made a mistake’.
There are many people that realize that 5 years later they generally are not any happier, but they have ‘poisoned the well’ - and no going back.
I do know a gal that may have been able to have stayed married. H was keenly aware of having to split assets after a long marriage. W had gone back to work in her profession a few years earlier, but in no way was at the earning capacity while having stayed out to raise their sons - H had a fair amount of business travel, and good job of parenting was done. In hindsight, W was able to see how H laid the groundwork for him to be able to exit the marriage, however she was surprised when he had a friend of his draw up a divorce agreement with a decent financial split and then presented it to her - sons and she were totally blindsided. And it wasn’t like their sex life had changed either. Before he presented the paperwork, they had been looking at selling their home and buying another - after the divorce, H went and bought the kind of home they had been looking at. Oh, and after the divorce, ex-H actually ‘dated’ his ex-W again. Too creepy. Of course this has totally screwed up the sons with ideas of marriage and marital fidelity - one was still in college and one was just getting out. It was totally H’s selfishness IMHO. Had this gal not gone along with things, H may have decided he didn’t want to exit with a very reduced nest egg, and then may have been able to come around that his life was pretty darn good. Caused a lot of pain and damage on W and sons.
Are you saying if was the W’s fault that they got divorced? How was the W supposed to know the H didn’t really mean it? I don’t think it was the W’s job to make the H see the light.
My ex had wanted out for few years because he thought his life would be better if he were by himself. I didn’t think he was going to be better off, but how do you stop a grownup from doing what he wanted. Now two years later, I am not so sure he wasn’t right.
One note on pension, read through fine points, some pension plans allow one to elect lower distribution amount so when one passes away his/her spouse could continue to receive the pension, otherwise it stops when one dies. I would imagine if one is divorced, he/she may not care if the ex-spouse should get any more money, unless it is part of the divorce agreement.
I think that the viewpoints differ based on each spouses’ situation. If both have been in the workforce, and neither have “family tracked themselves” resulting in a reduced income, then the financial aspect is less challenging. The divorce is an emotional loss, but less of a financial devastation.
I don’t think anyone likes seeing the spouse who stayed home to raise the kids suddenly have to live like a pauper while the long-employed professional gets to live like royalty.
I think what @SOSConcern meant is that the wife made it too easy for her husband. No way would I have accepted some split agreement drawn up by the friend of the H! Goodness knows what she lost that she didn’t realize that she was entitled to? This could have been smoke and mirrors…“look, I’m splitting the assets fairly,” (thank goodness she forgot about my IRAs or that she could have insisted on a better survivors benefit of my pension or spousal support since her income was compromised during the child-rearing years).
I don’t know how health insurance gets handled in a divorce. If one spouse’s company has been insuring the family, then suddenly the housewife or part-time worker will be paying lots of money each month to have decent coverage. Are those matters taken into consideration? or not? This is no small matter. This can be huge. H’s company pays around $25k per year for our health insurance, and we have to pay a modest amount each month. One spouse suddenly losing that could mean purchasing a plan that costs more for less coverage.
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One note on pension, read through fine points, some pension plans allow one to elect lower distribution amount so when one passes away his/her spouse could continue to receive the pension, otherwise it stops when one dies. I would imagine if one is divorced, he/she may not care if the ex-spouse should get any more money, unless it is part of the divorce agreement.
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There are often several options for survivor benefits…50%, 75%, 100% or zero. I imagine that when there’s a divorce, if one or both hold pensions that have such options, there will be a stipulation in the divorce decree. I wonder if companies are notified at the time of a divorce that there is a court-ordered stipulation?
In every instance I’ve known, once a divorce was final, the spouse had to find their own insurance. Even my friend who is disabled and who received a favorable divorce agreement had to find her own health insurance.
^^^Agreed, but it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be part of the alimony or the H (most of the time) shouldn’t be paying for it. I can’t put my ex on my insurance even if I wanted to. My company just wouldn’t allow it.
My friend was able to stay on her ex’s insurance (at least until their kids were 18,) but he owned his business and somehow managed this. They used a mediator (to this day, she feels the mediator, an attorney, was fair to both sides,) but my friend was instinctively wise about her demands. The point some are making is: you can’t be passive about divorce. It’s the undoing of a contractual relationship. You have to know what components matter, going forward, in order to CYA. At the very least, rather than roll it around in your head, waiting to see, get a good book or two, women’s guides to divorce and protecting themselves.
There are all sorts of reasons longer marriages fall apart. You can work on the rocky parts, maybe the marriage survives. But sometimes the two are too far apart. It’s sad when one party feels a loneliness and that the risks/costs of a single life trump staying unhappy. No way I can say this is all about the physical; that skips the complexity of two people being in a union. My friend was the one who had unmet wants.
When my parents were in their 50s (same age as me now), my father had asked my mom for a divorce whenever he was upset. Looking back, I think he was going through a mid life crisis as “is this all there is to life?” My younger brothers were still in college. I remember my mom calling me up a few times crying on the phone. Back then she told my father that she would never agree to a divorce until all of us were out of the house. After that, if he should ever mention divorce again then don’t let the door hit you on your way out. My father never mentioned that word again. After we all moved out, I think they fell back in love with each other again. It was very touching to watch two of them taking care of each other later on in life. When my father died, my mother was devastated. So I do think sometimes a couple could go through a rough period and they could over come it if they work on it.
But “working on it” means stripping away the “I’m right, you’re wrong” or "This is how I am, it works for me. Or going back in time to analyze the early relationship, who loved whom more, or who did more. You have to be able to set aside a chunk of ego. We all make mistakes.