Or he is going on a trip.
Or were we confused for 450+ posts? All that advice and he’s not going anywhere?
Or is it the “thinking of” part that is important?
While I sincerely hope that the OP and H work things out I hope the OP is not seeing things the way she WANTS them to be.
OP, has your H told you that things are better and he is no longer thinking of leaving?
Add me to the head scratching crowd. When the first post says “thinking of leaving me” and asking if anyone else has “split up”, how else should one interpret that but that the split is just that- a split. And, this discussion has been ongoing for a month. It’s not that posters just suddenly got the misperception that this was a brief hiatus/separation and not a permanent disengagement.
Where was he planning to go? Gillian’s Island?
oldfort posted "FM - How did you go from “my H wants to get a divorce” from not too long ago to “I feel pretty good about us today?”
OP is just saying that her husband is thinking about leaving her. Not that he wants a divorce. There is a difference: with one there is hope with the other there isn’t.
Yes, “thinking of leaving” is a lot different than “he packed his bags and I haven’t heard from him in a month,” etc.
I don’t think OP is necessarily backtracking. Each relationship has ebbs and flows. If her H is now thinking of staying, then that is a really good thing.
FM…I haven’t participated much on this thread. But a key point that I think would be important to consider is this…
Where does your husband stand…in terms of…has he already emotionally checked out of the marriage and is biding time until he leaves? Going to marriage counseling is a good sign, but does he just consider it as a way to talk about it but his mind is heavily leaning toward leaving the marriage? OR has your H said he is unhappy in the marriage but TRULY would like to work it out and improve it and is hoping that marriage counseling is going to help save the marriage? Is he willing to do the work recommended in counseling, and taking steps to change the dynamics in the marriage? If he has stated the latter and seems to mean it and there is a finite time to do this work and evaluate the status at a certain predetermined point (a year is too long in my opinion, particularly in case, he truly is biding time and has emotionally checked out already), then that is positive. Even then, you’d have to consider if his word is trustworthy in terms of his intentions to try to work it out. I would like to think that the early sessions in marriage counseling determined what the goals are, If only one person is intent on saving the marriage, that doesn’t bode well. So, has your H said he would like to save the marriage, but is confronting you because it is currently not working for him? Or does he come across as not wanting to make any changes and is just doing counseling to talk, while making plans in his mind to likely leave. I think marriage counseling is a positive step, but determining if it is lip service on your H’s part or if his goal is an effort to save the marriage, is pretty important at the outset of the sessions. His proclaiming he is thinking of leaving comes across differently than a spouse saying he/she can’t go on the way it is in the marriage and wants to do counseling to improve it or thinks a break up would occur. Stating he is unhappy in the marriage and wants to work on it and salvage it comes across differently than saying he is thinking of leaving (and may be further along in that trajectory by the point he actually told you that…and has emotionally checked out of the marriage already. Just wondering what he has said as his goal with marriage counseling?
I just typed the word “divorce” into the search option of this thread and 13 pages of posts came up!! Going back as far as post 10. And while yes, when someone says their spouse is thinking of leaving and they are in counseling, this suggests reason for hope, divorce is also not an unreasonable hypothesis.
Good point, @jym626 . With the friends I mentioned upthread, not only was I (and from the sound of it, their other friends) completely shocked that they were getting divorced, I really doubted that they would follow through with it. They seemed still seemed so happy and compatible together (smiling joint selfies, trips together, dancing together at parties, continuing to run their joint business together with ease, etc) that I really thought that it was something they would work through and be able to move past. And yet, they now divorced, much to (AFAIK) everyone’s surprise. Not to say that couples can’t work it out even when leaving/divorce has been mentioned–many do, after all–but many don’t as well.
@fauxmaven , when you say that your husband showed you “more papers than you wanted to see,” do you mean financial documents or divorce/separation-related papers? Just to clarify,
My relative is a family therapist. He told me once that with regard to a very high number of his marriage counseling clients, only one of the partners is actually there to save the marriage. Many times, the other has already checked out and is simply present to be able to say that “they tried.”
I’m not saying the OP’s husband has checked out, simply that she needs to listen really hard in counseling to determine if he’s really “there.”
I had one session of counseling with my ex at my insistence and he expressed just that, after months of discussion. No interest in being there. He had checked out. That evening I told him the marriage was over, he could stay in the house as long as he wanted, but sans counseling no reason to consider us going into the future together. He was out in the next few months. However there is a great deal of ambivalence in the process and I could see this in him. But decision reversal seemed impossible.
To the OP, was there some talk of separation sans divorce? There are other ways to do these things aside from divorce.
HI- thinking of leaving meant DIVORCE-permanent separation- not a trip.
OP, has your H told you that things are better and he is no longer thinking of leaving? YES
Then that’s good news, FM. I hope that your husband remains committed to counseling and that you two can achieve a resolution that satisfies both of you.
So FM…checking for clarity…your husband WAS considering divorce.
Now he isn’t.
: X never mind
“Marriage is not for the faint of heart.” This is the first line in the Introduction for the book “Amazing Grace for Married Couples - 12 life changing stories of renewed love” by Jeff Cavins, Matthew Pinto and Patti Armstrong. These marriages were on the brink of disaster - and we are talking about real problems that to many would seem insurmountable. I got the book through Amazon used books.W’s gambling addiction, H’s addiction to pornography, materialistic couple, mutual infidelities, etc.
I think these kind of stories help encourage people in marriage to work out their issues. Pulling for you and your H FM.
Thanks… I really loved reading all your comments. Stay tuned.
@fauxmaven I sincerely hope that y’all work things out, but I’m a little concerned about his statement about “no chemistry” and his desire to have that experience before he dies:
[QUOTE=""]
Had another session of counseling with my husband last night. He feels that he married me so many years back because he could see I would be a great mom and he really wanted a stay at home mom which I was for many years. Regarding sex, which seems to have taken hold of this thread, he reminded me that he never should have married me because he never felt " the chemistry". We were so busy raising the kids that he didn't really think about till EMPTY NEST. Before he dies, he would like to experience the CHEMISTRY! After my first marriage, which was physically abusive, I wanted a kind and gentle man. I did not care so much for the CHEMISTRY. So its really not about sex at this point( which we are not having) but the lack of attraction on his part.
[/QUOTE]
I think we’re all happy that he no longer is considering leaving you, but how is the above being dealt with?