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. One thing I suspect strongly is he is going to be very disappointed if he thinks he is going to go out there and find ‘chemistry’ that he supposedly missed the first time, someone who could go into a marriage like that, so coldly and practically, isn’t likely to ever feel that spark, someone like that IMO doesn’t have the feeling or soul to find that magic or whatever.
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^^ this
And…There are many things that he’s enjoyed with you, because of you. He’s forgotten that.
but also… a 60 year old man is likely very set in his ways. He may think the dating world is going to be a smorgasbord of hotties at his fingertips. But hey…he’s still him…and unless he’s extremely easy going and still a 10 at 60…what is he offering? And, it’s not so easy at that age to adjust to a long term relationship with someone else. It’s not like you’ve been some royal witch and therefore anyone else is an upgrade. If he’s looking for younger, then the generation gap is going to smack him upside the head. If he’s looking for a contemporary, then once everyone’s baggage is unpacked it may suck all the oxygen out of the room…and well…the chemistry may not survive that new environment.
“If he’s looking for a contemporary, then once everyone’s baggage is unpacked it may suck all the oxygen out of the room…and well…the chemistry may not survive that new environment.” mom2collegekids, great line. And it is true.
Having dated post divorce, though in my '40s, it is the baggage, the unknown mental health issues that can make a relationship impossible for the long term. I have had plenty of very satisfying chemistry-different from sex in my book, in my post divorce life. It creates great sex, but is there as another force entirely, of verbal banter, intellectual sharing, understanding, emotional empathy that can happen. After a lousy marriage it is intoxicating. It can sustain a relationship for a time, but after 2 years or so, some ugly truths can seep out, chronic anger, depression, inability to handle money, etc.
In comparison, solitary life looks awfully appealing, if you have friends, family and many interests.
fauxmaven, I am sorry as well that you ended up hearing such hurtful words. He is ignoring the value of what you have shared. Grass is greener syndrome, in my book.
He ‘reminded’ you he never felt chemistry? Has this come up before, maybe a recurring theme when he is angry and not getting his way? How did the therapist respond?
Are you more worried about losing him or his family?
A comment above struck me -If my husband said that to me, I would hand him his toothbrush and send him packing. That takes confidence and not all people have that confidence. There is also the fear of the unknown. I hope the individual counseling helps you find your inner strength because you can be happy and fulfilled without him. I am rooting for you.
I would be sad if I was told that there had never been ‘chemistry’ because that is part of the whole bonding thing. And I imagine that would be easy to set aside especially if all the focus of the husband and wife is on the child rearing. I hope you can find some chemistry and work through the problems, but totally agree with the others that it might not get found if it was never lost.
Either she isn’t attractive enough for him, or she’s a cold fish.
Wow, are those the only 2 options? I am not a cold fish. When we were dating he told me what he was looking for, and I didn’t match most of what he wanted. I guess I should have left, but my eldest son was 4 at the time. We were happy as a little family. ( This is the son who got his own thread!) The last 30 years have been really wonderful- not owing to passion, but many adventures with his family.
I’m still close to my ex-husband’s family. I still attend their holiday parties, still attend his sister’s annual Oscars party, am still included in many family weddings, showers, baptisms, etc. (many, but not all). I still regularly meet one of his brothers for lunch because we are in the same field and we like talking shop. I’m still in his sisters’ “birthday club” where the women in the family meet for lunch around the birthdays. (I’m starting to drift away from this last one though because I’m getting a little tired of some of them).
And, actually, I still talk to and see my ex-husband regularly. I very much consider him family; the feeling is like a very close sibling. I even have fairly warm feelings toward his current girlfriend (not the old one that he was having an affair with while we were still married). (I doubt the gf likes me much, though).
So, if it is the family ties you are afraid you’ll miss, you most certainly can maintain them.
(I have been left out of a lot of things that our joint friends do however. He is infinitely more social than I am and he’s included in everything and I’m not. That’s been sad, especially since we get along fine and there’s no reason that we can’t both be invited to things.)
I think dfbdfb is right, @fauxmaven. The poster wasn’t talking about you, but making a general statement that the woman is always blamed somehow if there’s not enough sex in a marriage, and those are the 2 most frequent reasons that are cited.
Didn’t your mother pass away a few weeks ago? This is really bad timing on your husband’s part. I am so sorry. Please make sure a lawyer and forensic accountant are keeping an eye on your financial affairs, but give yourself time to sort out what you want from your future before you make any life altering decisions.
I think chemistry, the way he means it, is BS. It seems more that he is a bit bored with his own life and is having a mid-life crisis. He needs to be happy with himself before he can be happy with anybody else
If I can ask, you said that when you met your husband that he told you what he was looking for and you didn’t match. What were those things and were the things he was looking for realistic? I mean I could say I wanted a blonde haired blue eyed tall man who was a millionaire. My H is a dark haired, average height who is definitely not a millionaire. But he’s a good man who treats me well and works hard. I think that I’m thinking like a woman but I don’t think that my H is someone who I would have picked but that doesn’t mean that our marriage doesn’t work because he’s not my ideal.
I think I’m not expressing myself well.
Life doesn’t turn out the way you expect it to. But I don’t think anything I say helps how your H feels and what he said to you (which was really unfair to you, I hope you realize it). I guess you need to figure out where you go from here and how to help yourself. And how to be strong. For yourself, because I’m guessing that your H is right now only thinking about himself.
Fauxmaven, I’m sorry for your current situation. You mention above that when you met your husband. You had a 4 year old son. This implies that you had a previous relationship of some kind, that also ended.
I know it was a long while ago…and you were younger…but you were able to move forward again when that previous relationship ended. This should let you know…that you can do so if it comes to that.
Thinking about your H saying there was no chemistry, I am calling nonsense. If he was looking for something else, nd you got together regardless, it was more than just good mothering skills. I’m betting a very strong attraction. He has just chosen to forget that feeling, that piece. I watched my ex forget that as well, conveniently.
Fauxmaven, what your H is telling you about chemistry may well be his way of dealing with the emotions of deciding to leave. His way of justifying it is to blame you, in the most hurtful way possible. Makes it hard and painful for you to argue that he’s wrong. I agree with great lakes about calling nonsense.
No, the son was my son from a first marriage. This is the son that went to prison, remember? I had a big thread about that! I did use this as an excuse to send a message to my sister that I may be moving to the Bay Area alone. That is where I would return if we separated… so I am thinking about it. My oldest son is there as well.