Late-life divorce (also called “silver” or “gray” divorce) is becoming more common, and more acceptable. In 2014, people age 50 and above were twice as likely to go through a divorce than in 1990, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. For those over 65, the increase was even higher. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued or dropped among other age groups.
Some may have stayed together until the kids are grown.
Some may have waited until pension plans are paying out and each can afford to live on their own.
And, as @fallgirl states, suddenly being around each other 24/7 may reveal little to nothing in common.
I know that some SAHM’s get annoyed when their retired H’s considering themselves to be “retired” (golf, rest, TV), but expect their wives to be “on the job” 24/7. My aunt had that issue.
My empty nester BIL and SIL have recently told us they are divorcing, and I am brokenhearted. I do believe they should have consulted with us, first! I love them both very much, and counted on spending a lot of retirement time together.
brokenhearted. I do believe they should have consulted with us, first
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Do you have any idea why they’re divorcing? Sounds like you’ve had the opportunity to observe them closely over the years…altho it’s hard to really know what’s going on behind closed doors.
This sounds like it’s your husband’s sibling and spouse?
One explanation is that many older people are in second marriages; the divorce rate is about two and a half times larger for those who have remarried and are often grappling with blended families or greater financial challenges.
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That’s an aspect that I hadn’t though about, but I did see this in our parents’ social circle. I guess there are even more issues that blended families face once there are grandkids, etc.
I have felt brokenhearted too about close family divorces. I have found though, that by the time they announce it, it is way too late to consult. They have done all the talking they are going to do. It is hard though because, they are already through the process and looking ahead to how they will handle everything going forward. Meanwhile I am sitting here in shock and sadness. I need time to adjust before I can join them on their path to a new normal.
I think retirement is tough on men who haven’t built a life outside of work. Women seem to do this so much better whether they work outside of the home or not. There are always stories of retired men following their wives around and “supervising” the house work that the woman has done for 45 years.
I’m sorry to hear about your BIL and SIL, garland.
I think that at a certain point in life, a person just gets tired of compromising. When children are in the picture, decisons are made as to what is best for them. Once the children are grown, a person looks around and thinks, now I finally get to do what I’ve always wanted to do. The years of active living are now numbered. And now maybe the bucket lists are different. I know one woman who always wanted to live on the beach. H didn’t. Her circumstances were such that she bought the house on the beach and he only visits there once in a while. An Irish divorce.
In the past, when you retired, you were looking at maybe 10 year additional life expectancy. Now, a lot of people are planning for 30 years. That’s a much longer time to be with someone. And I agree with @TatinG - both parties may now want to do what each wants to do, without constant compromise.
My in-laws divorced once my husband began his adult life ( moving to the US and starting his business ) I think they humored him when he was 18 , thinking it was a phase of some sort and never thought he would actually stay and make a life.
He actually encouraged the split because he didn’t think they seemed happy together. They still get along very well , living separate lives with new partners .
My brother retired, and he is adjusting pretty well. His W decided he should keep the lower level of the home clean (vacuum, dusting) and he has accepted those responsibilities pretty well. He keeps things outside looking good. Has time to exercise. No stress.
One has to decide to be happy with oneself, and not let little things build up.
I am pretty sure H will adjust pretty well to retirement too. He survived my stage III cancer and the years of treatment.
Many family stresses and outside stresses can pull one down.
Obviously they didn’t have to, though we did get hints in the last few years. Basically, they are two good people with very different ideas about how to approach life who realized that those differences were wider than realized when their daughters grew up. yes, it’s my husband’s brother and his wife. We have always been very close; we have second homes in the same place, though now they have to sell theirs. We do plan to stay in contact with SIL, with brother’s blessing. And of course will meet over the years at daughters’ life events.
It’s been really hard on the daughters, even though they’re in their mid-20s. Family home was sold a few years ago, second home where we always got together to be sold, parents in two apartments, though near each other. I think they were shocked; one particularly has had to get past a lot of anger.
So sorry–it’s tough when folks grow apart rather than together. It also makes finances tougher, especially for the lower-earning spouse who may not have as many assets in retirement. Several of my friends did get divorced as their kids reached HS and college. It’s really sad to me as a friend of the wives, but they have all gone on with their lives and say they are all happier than they were in a marriage that wasn’t working for them.
So far, I am fortunate that H and I are getting along very well, even though he’s home a LOT more now than he was for all the previous decades of our life. Since I mostly work out of my home, we do spend a TON of time together, but so far, it’s been working nicely. Neither of us gets bored and our house has sufficient space so that we aren’t in each other’s hair.
H and I have a lot of different seperate interests. I think that will actually bode well for us. We both kind of like doing our own thing often - so we will do things seperately and come together here and there in a day’s routine.
If that works for both of the couple, that can be healthy.
Whenever loved ones split, I think it’s hard for their kids to figure out how to handle things. Their loyalties may feel divided, especially if there is any acrimony. It also makes visits to see folks that don’t live nearby more expensive and problematic since they have to go to point A to visit with mom, point B to visit with dad and live in point C.
I can see the point that folks DO live longer and don’t want to continue going on with a relationship that just isn’t working and gratifying for them. We know a few couples that maintain separate residences and have relationships with long term significant others (not their spouses). They haven’t gotten divorced and still appear at some functions as a couple. They both accept this new life and say they are happier this way than when they were living together. I guess, whatever works for folks.
