One of the interesting facts is that it is often the wife who files, it is much more than the husband if I read the detail correctly. I suspect some of it is the empty nest syndrome, where without kids there is nothing left, they find they have nothing in common, with others I sometimes wonder if with age and the changes that happen, one or both of them are dealing with depression or similar issues and the change in personality makes it too difficult to deal with . I suspect retirement has something to do with it, I remember reading that when the Yankees fired Casey Stengal because he turned 70, his wife encouraged him to stay in the game because she married him for better or worse, but not for lunch:). I think that if a spouse cannot adjust to retirement, it dries the other one up the wall. It also could be that this is kind of a side effect of the fact that for the past 30 years or so, most wives are working, and for the first time they may have enough social security and retirement savings of their own along with whatever assets might come out of the divorce, that they can afford to live on their own, whereas in the past economics would dictate that they stay with the spouse.
I think sometimes it’s that the couple grew apart over the years. One of my friends who divorced her H when their child was young said that he was a great BF but a lousy H. I wonder how many divorces are based on similar feelings? Or perhaps he was a great BF and father but not so great as a H and they just don’t want to be tied together any more?
I feel very fortunate that so far, most of my loved ones have managed to stick together “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer,” and I don’t have to choose which friendships I maintain and which I have to limit going forward. H’s friends are mostly in their 70s and most of them remain together, tho there is at least one couple who maintains separate residences and separate lives (which fortunately they can afford and seem to find comfortable). They do appear at some community functions as a couple but both have long term partners. It just seems more complicated than H & I are interested in.
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Reid Abedeen, president of Safeguard Investment Advisory Group in Corona, Calif., had a client who figured it out before the relationship got to the breaking point. His client had retired after a successful career in real estate. “He and his wife had a good relationship, but they needed distance,” he says.
His solution: Every Monday through Thursday he would kiss his wife goodbye and go back to his office in downtown Detroit, where he would get together with his former colleagues. “They would play cards, chitchat and have lunch,” he says. “At 2:30, he would go home and kiss his wife hello.”
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Our local police dept has retired guys that come everyday and do volunteer work for several hours…man the front desk, etc. I wonder if their wives have inspired these routines.
My FIL retired 15 years ago. In his working years he was away from 5am until 8pm every day. My W deals with the stress between FIL and MIL every day now. A marriage that seemed perfect when it was only weekends and an hour or two every night sure was not what it appeared.
Kiplinger’s Dec 2014 has a 4 page article mostly focusing on a couple and retirement transitioning. Also discusses SS File and Suspend. This couple had a long marriage and discussions on how to transition with their situation. One retired first, several years difference in retirement.
The authors of “Seven Big Myths about Marriage…” Christopher and Jennifer Kaczor - I heard them talk about the book and personal HS. Sounds like Jennifer grew up in LA, and her dad was a writer. Jennifer’s parents divorced, married others, and both subsequently divorced again. Jennifer said her mother realized she needed to get back to church, and Jennifer said even at age 12 she also could see what not to do with her parents’ situations. The Kaczors talked about ‘irreconcilable differences’ that every couple is going to face - but ways to work through. Something more important to one than the other, etc. They have 7 children, so they need to have a strong marriage and a good handle on parenting skills. Sounds like Jennifer was able to insert her perspective throughout the book.
I think parents want their children to marry ‘successfully’ - have a happy and enduring marriage.
There are transitions at every life stage, and what baggage one carries through from one stage to the next.
It will be the shock of my life if dh divorces me now!
I wonder if any of these later, but pre-retirement-age, divorces are the result of finger-pointing about how the kids turned out? Perhaps one parent blaming the overly-indulgent spouse, or perhaps one parent blaming the overly-dominant or harsh spouse.
I think there is a fallacy that once a couple “retires” they should/will/have to spend most of their time together. And after years of working, child rearing, etc. - that could be wildly constraining for some people. Including me!
When my kids were very young, I vowed that everyday I was home with them (well, most everyday) we would still get out someway, somehow and do something - it might have only been putting the baby in my back carrier and walking around a couple of blocks - but that was mental sanity for me! I suspect retirement will be the same for me. And that that would be key in my relationship with my retired husband.
Mom2–not in my family members’ case–their kids turned out spectacularly well. Both smart, accomplished, launched into interesting careers. There were just basically incompatible ideas of how they wanted their lives to continue, plus money issues.
I and several women I know either are married to or divorced from men who withdrew from what I consider to be primary obligations of spouses: helping to provide for the family financially and helping to take care of the children.
My parents divorced after nearly 40 years of marriage. It had nothing to do with how we children turned out (at least that’s what we children believe!) and everything to do with years of incompatibility and unhappiness. Theirs was the classic “let’s stay married for the children” marriage.
@rosered Is that a newish trend? I seem to be hearing about such couples more and more.
@garland Re: money issues…that seems to destroy marriages at many stages.
Not the case for those cited in the original article. There just wasn’t enough glue to hold the partners together after the kids were grown up. Many cite cordial relationships with the ex. None of them appeared to have been involved in serious outside relationships before the divorce and most seem to have taken their time to remarry, if at all.
I know someone who divorced their spouse in their 50s, no kids. Their comments included “I don’t trust X as someone to grow old with”. due to their general obliviousness to others in time of need. I get that, though, of course, the self absorption was not late onset.
<<< self absorbtion was not late onset>>>
But I can imagine that it would become more significant once either retired or with concern how the other would handle “times of need.”
I remember my grandmother (b. 1907) telling me all of these stories about her female friends who were stuck in bad marriages and could not divorce due to social stigma or financial necessity. They enjoyed the freedom of widowhood and most of them never remarried.
My grandfather was not a nice man. Grandma was widowed at 70, learned how to drive (her husband forbade her the car), and she and her girlfriends took road trips. She had three more good decades before she passed.
@garland …so sorry! I would be so sad. We are so close with my husbands brothers and their wives and kids…getting together every summer. We have talked about retiring together…sounds like a similar situation with you guys! Such a huge loss.
Down the street from us were two sisters that purchased houses next to each other. However one moved away and I heard it was that couple got divorced.
I know we will spend some time with our siblings/spouses, but not next door…
I know of at least five couples who have recently divorced or are in the process of getting divorced after 20 years of marriage or more. In four of the five, the husband had an affair (I’m not sure what happened in the 4th). I’m very close friends with one of the women (she’s the mother of my son’s best friend) and she was completely devastated. Even though her husband worked away from home a lot and they had been having difficulties, I don’t think she ever expected him to not only cheat on her but also leave her. She held out hope for quite awhile that they could work things out with therapy, but her husband decided he didn’t even want to try and just left and moved across the country, saying he didn’t want any responsibilities any more. I know their 21 yo son, who’s an only child, is quite saddened by the whole thing. Frankly, I’m just disgusted with her husband who I think has behaved very badly toward my friend and her son. Anyway, all of this, which has happened in the past couple of years, has made me very sad, especially since all of the kids involved are around the same ages as my own kids. It’s also made me wonder about my own marriage. DH and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary next year as my youngest goes off to college…I hope we’ll be able to survive the empty nest.
A friend Brenda from church had a devastating experience - her H did a lot with I believe oil/gas/precious metal (they were originally from Australia) - had I believe 4 children. Well he had a GF (probably younger, and hot sex) and on C-mas Eve he went to S. America with her for a permanent work assignment. His wife and children found out - don’t know if he left a note or what. Well the mom was able to get enough for living fairly decently - company evidently had a base in the US; her children and grandchildren are here. The guy totally cut his children/grandchildren out.
A friend’s dad also kind of did this - the mom died of cardiac at home (she was a smoker) - I think the H kind of ignored she was having a medical crisis. 10 months later he married a gal (divorcee) - dau asked him to wait a year. The new W wanted him w/o the ‘baggage’ is the conclusion I draw - also probably great sex. She conjured up something with his daughter, and insisted upon an apology. So he cut himself off from dau/SIL and his grandchildren.
Some people are so selfish and unfeeling.
I do think it sometimes is difficult to see what is under the veneer - how people cope when the chips are down, or when something isn’t ‘fun’ for them anymore.
If one spouse wants out, very little the other can do about it.
All one can do is be the best one can be to their H/W and those around you. One would hope that if someone cannot be true to their spouse, at least do not abandon the children.
Is there any pattern with who these H’s are having affairs with, is the H just ready to move on?
I applaud the lady who hung in with her marriage despite his affair and his leaving. As many people who say they would not tolerate an affair, one would have to be in that W/H’s shoes. Some do realize they made a mistake with the affair and want to repair the marriage.
You can survive an empty nest! H is less stressed - house is quiet when he comes home from work and he enjoys the quiet. He enjoys the kids, but glad they are doing well at college and with growing up.
We have been married 36 years. Our life stress was my stage III cancer; I am 5 years cancer free now.
Sometimes life throws things that are tough.