We were each other’s best friends for many years and our kids turned out as well as other kids, but at some point my ex wanted a life different than what we had. We got married right out of college. He probably feel like he missed out on a lot of things he didn’t get to do when he was young. My kids told me that he dresses like a cool dude now and is living a bohemian life. He is also dating someone who is more into that kind of life. People often think it is easier on kids when divorce happens they are older, but I think it is harder because they grew up with two parents, and it is harder for them to get used to having separate vacations and holiday celebration, or just having a simple meal.
I wonder if part of it is not working together to figure out life after kids. Having just joined the “empty nesters” it is a big adjustment and it is taking some time to adjust to a new rhythm of life. It takes work for some couples to rediscover what is fun about being a twosome and to fill in the less busy schedule now that there are not kids to consider.
It is interesting to me that woman initiate divorce more often. Looking around at my divorced friends, it seems much easier for the men to find a new partner than for the woman. It also seems that the over 50 may also be that it takes time for women who have left the work force to become financially self sufficient enough to divorce.
My husband and I got married very young and are staring down the barrel of the empty nest gun. I am wailing and tearing my hair about this and my husband is very excited. I suspect we will have a difficult adjustment because I have been all about being a mom for the last 26 years, and my son has claimed all of my attention for years. So now it’s like “do I know you from somewhere?” because our lives have been so parallel for so long. But we will work it out, we won’t get divorced because the life we both want includes an intact family, so we will do whatever it takes and after almost 30 years of marriage, for us I believe marriage is cyclical and with patience an good humor the good will come around again because it always has before. There were plenty of times things were bad enough to divorce, but we didn’t want to break apart our family, and lo and behold, the bad always passes and the good always comes back.
@zoosermom - H and I are having a lot of fun now that our youngest is a sophomore in college. For a short while, D1 came back to stay with us and we love her but we were glad when she found an apartment with friends nearby! Nearby - but not in the house, is our happy place right now.
Greenwitch, I am absolutely freaking. Had a major crying jag last night because we are having trouble with college choices, and by “we” I mean that I am having trouble finding a college that will guarantee educational excellence, complete safety, appropriate friends and mother-approved fun for my son. Can you imagine?
We recently adopted the most fantastic puppy and he has improved our social lives in a big way because there are apparently a lot of mature adults who socialize around their dogs. I had no idea about this, but it’s true! I don’t know how to be away from my son, so it will be interesting, but I have faith. My husband has had a lot of resentment about being second to the kids for so long, but hopefully he is working through that.
Dogs are great for making friends! I have known that for years. One of my sisters, who by nature is somewhat anti-social and difficult to get along with, has a social life that has been 100% dog-centric since our parents died. Her dog is old and pretty sick now; my other sibling and I are holding our breath hoping she won’t completely fall apart go into a shell when he dies.
My in-laws separated and then divorced the week after their youngest child (my wife) graduated from college. It was very hard on their adult children, and repairing the damage took years. There was another, younger woman involved; she and my father-in-law married and stayed married until he died, almost 30 years later, though quite a bit of hard times: the sudden crash of his high-flying career, a cancer with (at the time) no five-year survival rate, amputation, other health issues. For a number of years early in their marriage, she was angry at us and cut us off from him, but we worked to rebuild the relationship and it wound up in an OK place. My mother-in-law never got over it. She coped.
At some level, I think the increase in late-life divorces is just the first-wave baby boomers again, people born between, say, 1946-1953. That cohort has spiked the divorce rate of pretty much every age group they passed through.
I think @JHS has nailed it about this being a boomer phenomenon. I’ve worked at a busy senior center for 15 years and have not seen ONE divorce in all that time amongst our membership. But up until now, they’ve mostly been Greatest Generation folks.
I think marriages can be strong for 20, 30, or 40 years and then just reach their natural lifespan and die. I don’t think that means the marriage was never good, or that one partner is necessarily cheating, or that the spouses are being selfish for moving on. It’s becoming ever more clear to me that my husband and I want very different things in our retirement. (I must be psychic to have divined this, since he’s spent the past year refusing to think about it, let alone discuss it - and that’s after having a major heart attack, yet.) There’s only so long people can delay gratification once they can’t call themselves “middle-aged” any more.
They are both dead a couple of years now, but my grandmother started divorce proceedings against my grandfather at 90 and 93…over 70 years of marriage. She kept saying “When will I get to start leading the life, I want?!?” Also, it’s common knowledge that she was still angry over an affair approx. 45 years prior.
The baby boomer women are more able to divorce as they are more likely to have had careers than women in prior generations. There is also less stigma of divorce these days.
my grandparents were the outliers. They divorced in the 1940’s ( grandfather was an abusive alcoholic). My grandmother had a career as a teacher and ran a family business.
frazzled1: are you saying you will be divorcing or working to find common ground? Not sure I agree with the marriage having run it course. As zooser says, to me, marriage is cyclical and as long as good times come back, it is usually (often) worth saving. A couple that has grown apart can, with work, grow together again.
I also have come to believe that the only way to be happy is to be happy with yourself. Of course your spouse plays a huge role in that, but I see those who divorced and were miserable not always being that much happier alone.
I am not seeing that much divorce here in my suburban bubble. May be more less than perfect marriages, but folks seem to be sticking it out.
@mom2and, I’ve been working to find common ground for 37 years, and it often feels as if I’m the only one on that particular job. Maybe I’m just nearing the end of my own lifespan as the designated accommodator. I guess I’m saying that, if we don’t find common ground, I won’t feel as if the years that came before were a failure or a sham. Jmo, but I think the concept of “till death do us part” was not originally intended to cover 60 years or more.
Maybe so. Certainly, if you are the only one looking for common ground, that would not be a way to make your marriage work. It is rarely easy to figure out whether or not things are good enough or if you would be better off alone. I hope it works out well for you either way.
Part of it for me was seeing my parents in their elderly years (both lived into their 90s). It was certainly easier for them to be together than it would have been for either on their own, even though I don’t think it was always a good marriage.
Same here, as to working to find common ground. I’m working on it, my spouse isn’t. It takes two to tango but only one to make the couple fall down.
As woman we put our families first- our kids and our spouses and neglects ourselves. It is important to have your own interests and goals, and your own identity. Don’t take anything in life for granted. As far as marriage it takes two to make it work. You can’t have one person doing everything to keep it together and the other one doing everything to break from it. I have raised my child alone since she was 4. She’s now in college. My ex wanted his freedom. It’s been a difficult journey but I’ve learned a lot. Seeing all my married friends and the issues they are going through makes me feel grass isn’t greener on the other side. I don’t compare my life to others but I feel at least I go to bed knowing I have done my best for my child and am trying to take care of myself. Most importantly I have peace of mind that no one is bothering me or that I don’t have to worry about being with someone who is not trustworthy. It is better to live in a small home alone and happy with less money than living an unhappy married life feeling lonely but having all the material things. It doesn’t mean my life doesn’t have challenges. I just do the best that I can and never give up. I don’t have it in me to fully trust someone like that again. I think it would have been much harder having to separate after the kids go to college or after retirement. Either way there is never a right time for separation/divorce. It’s always a painful experience for at least one person.
I really worry about DH. He has no identity other than work. I have worked really hard since my medical issues to build a life that makes me happy, and I worry that DH will expect me to be his universe if/when he ever stops working. I do not plan to sit at home while he naps every day.
My dad just retired from being a physician two months ago. He is already restless and misses being busy and having a routine. Retirement when your life has revolved around your career is tough. I don’t know how my mom is taking having my dad home all the time. I can imagine after breakfast is over he asking what’s for lunch. I think he needs to get involved with something. I told him to plan a vacation to avoid part of the cold winter.
My Dad is a retired aviator/flight instructor. He has more energy than I ever had! He volunteers at the huge international airport in our area. He works for USO, and the flight museum, and works a terminal where the military come through after deployment. He loves it, just loves it. He is 79, in good health, and happier than I’ve ever seen him. And still happily married to my stepmom, his wife of almost 50 years. I can only hope to be as happy, healthy, and fulfilled as he is when I’m that age.
^^Same age as my dad. My hope is that I am healthy enough to keep working that long. I think it is good to have a routine. Have something to look forward to every day and enjoy time off when you want to.
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really worry about DH. He has no identity other than work. I have worked really hard since my medical issues to build a life that makes me happy, and I worry that DH will expect me to be his universe if/when he ever stops working. I do not plan to sit at home while he naps every day.
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H has been retired for awhile now.
For men, often their jobs are their main source of “self esteem” and achievement. If they have “underlings,” then they’re used to all that goes with that…bossing people around (lol…even if nice about it), raises, promotions, accolades from successes, etc.
Their co-workers are also a source for friendships, “guy talk,” lunches, etc.
Their jobs give them a routine.
H does help me with my business, and I’m grateful for that. But, he does seem a bit sad if I try to run an errand without him. He’ll say something like, “don’t you want me to drive you?” (huh? I’ve been driving for 40 years.) But, really, he just wants to tag along for company.
Once retired, it can be a bit shocking for these guys. H has wistfully commented that I have a lot more friends than he has…more people to talk to, etc. For H, it feels like I’m all that he has. (yikes! what a responsibility!..and H is a chatterbox…and I like quiet times.). Our kids are too busy for more than occasional conversations, and they tend to call or text “mom,” not dad…which he sadly notices.
Women seem to do a better job maintaining friendships outside of work…and maintaining relationships with extended family.
I’m trying to encourage H to “spread his retired wings” a bit to get him “out there” and meeting new people. We no longer live near his old work, so there aren’t opportunities for him to meet-up with old colleagues for lunches and golf dates. 
I’m sure that there is a senior center near us, but I think he’d be insulted if I suggested that.
Yes, my DH has mentioned that I go out with friends fairly often. Next week, I’m getting together with a bunch of women running friends (including MomofWildChild). I’ve told DH he’s welcome to make plans for himself! I’m not going to make play dates for him, though. Sigh.