I’ve been married 27 years. There was a real bad spell there a few years back. What we have now I think you’d call detante. Like the US and USSR. So not great. 4 years ago I thought for sure we’d divorce when the kid went to college. Didn’t happen. But I wonder if it should.
I am unhappy. I think DW also is unhappy. But
How do you know which part of your unhappiness comes from which part of your life? Is it my job? Some midlife angst? Worries about aging? (My big sister has cancer; my mom has Alzheimers.) It doesn’t seem clear to me. So many people divorce because of infidelity. Not an issue here.
Yeah, I probably need therapy. Ive had it in the past.
But it won’t change my feelings about DW. We’re just bleh. But what if being away from her is worse? Likewise, what if she finds that being away from me is worse? Trial separation sounds like something people do on TV. Also, expensive.
I’m ranting. I’m gonna post only because I typed so much it seems a waste not to.
WasatchWriter, thanks for writing a raw, very honest post. I have a few family members who are in the same boat. They aren’t happy and I don’t know what the future holds for them. I think its hard and money concerns have a lot to do with staying married. How do you live 2 separate lives but you can barely afford the married life you have now?
I will just throw this out there…I think my ex was unhappy with his life, maybe I was part of it, but probably not as big of part as he believed. He wasn’t happy with his career and wanted to act younger than his age. He thought by leaving the life we had together would make his life a lot better. I think if he was happier with himself, our interaction may have been better. In this past year I have learned that happiness comes from within, no one could do it for you, and if you are dependent on someone for your happiness then it is also a lot of burden on that person.
Just received an email from a longtime friend asking if we could meet. We haven’t seen each other in over a year because sometimes life gets busy but she could call me today and I would be there for her.
She wrote me a letter today that after her first child enrolled in college last year she and her husband filed for divorce after 24 years. She still has two kids to take care of and left her job to raise three kids. My heart sunk to my stomach.
Her spouse was a toxic person and I know for a longtime she tried to make it work. I am sure it has taken a toll on her. No matter what the reason for a divorce it is still heartbreaking to hear because you know each member of the family is experiencing a life changing event. I am really wishing the best for her and her kids and wish she didn’t have to go through any hardships in her life. I am sure for her life has been a long rollercoaster ride. I hope she has the strength to move forward.
I filed for divorce a few months ago after 30+ years of marriage. Through therapy and help from a CC friend who had a very similar husband, I came to understand that my husband is a narcissist. I already knew that he was mean, angry, and hypercritical. I stayed for years because I did not want to lose daily life with my kids. Then I thought that I would hold out until the younger one left for college, but when he started saying things like, “I hate the way he treats you,” and “Why haven’t you divorced him?” I realized that I needed to get out. Neither of my sons have much of a relationship with their father, and the older one has been completely alienated from him for years. I waited for a couple more years, because of some instability in my job, but I finally couldn’t wait any longer. I was not able to move out with my sons right away so we’re still living in the same house, but things are greatly improved because we communicate only through lawyers, and I don’t have to listen to him any more. I will be moving out with my sons as soon as possible, and I can’t wait.
H really, really loved his work, where he was happily employed for over 45 years. I had some concerns about how he’d transition to being at home, but he has so many deferred maintenance projects that he’s tackling, there is no end in sight. He’s also helping me with my nonprofit and traveling with me. We have transitioned very well into his retirement, slightly more than 2 years ago.
We remain best friends and he does get together with some of his friends and I get together with some of mine.
One thing that is mildly irksome is that my family expects us to always be available because we aren’t “working,” but it’s a relatively minor issue.
DH and I divorced a couple years ago after 33 years. There was no cheating or physical abuse, but we’d both been unhappy for several years and were just too stubborn to throw in the towel. My only regret is not doing it sooner. It would have been easier if my mother was still alive… and she would have been thrilled.
My husband began withdrawing from our family years ago and rarely communicates with me or our daughters, but he says that I’m the “best thing that ever happened” to him and that he doesn’t want a divorce. I have to beg him to come to the house when our daughters are going to be in town, but he said, when I raised the issue of divorce, “Won’t it be hard on the girls?” Thinking about this makes me feel crazy and very very sad.
My sister and her ex divorced after 30 years. She was 60 and he 59. He was a great surgeon, but terrible businessman. As a result, they were in a bad financial bind. My S did not work, left over from them agreeing that she be a stay at home mom when their kids were young.
Unfortunately, his bad financial decisions in his life included my S and their children. He walked away with a much younger woman and her two young children (from two different men) and put everything in her name and ran from his debts. He has no contact with his biological three children that he raised to adults. His last encounter with his 3 children was his oldest D’s wedding.
He had a crisis and ran and built a new “home and family” with young wife and kids. Maybe this was also part mid-life crisis. Whatever it was, he left devastation and broken hearts behind. My S is still not out of the financial bind he left her in 8 years ago. She will never be financially secure.
This has been an unfortunate lesson to my D’s ( and hers, I hope). They said they will always be independently financially secure. Trust your H, but protect yourself. Visa- versa as well.
NY mom of two, I so feel for your situation, and am thrilled that the horizon looks brighter. I was also married to a narcissist, and him leaving me was a blessing, though I didn’t know it at the time. Sympathies to all in this situation. Old Fort, you hit the nail on the head in at least some marriages. The marriage gets the blame for a lot of personal dissatisfaction. Yes, Wasatch Writer, explore these issues more with a therapist, a minister, a friend. Therapy could help pick apart the blahs.