<p>Thought I’d start another thread for successful launches! Drae- it wasn’t bad as all that. We did see her in between activities,and we were happy to see that she was making friends, as that was one of her worries. She’s met several international students and at one point had 3 languages going on in the apartment. Altho she knows no Chinese, she’s helping her roommate and another student with translating what the teacher means when he uses idioms, etc. First week of classes has ended with her working on her homework as soon as it was assigned. (Wait, is this the same kid??) Monday she sat in front of her class for 45 minutes before the start time, because she was afraid of being late on the first day. She texts me several times a day, not for advice, but just to let me know she found something great on the “free shelf”, the clubs she joined (Pokemon, Edible Food, and Comic Headz, and the great idea she has for her new kids book she’s working on. She absolutely LOVES the school and the high point was when she found out the library had several shelves of books on illustrating children’s literature and then several shelves of just children’s books. She’s had Thai food (would never have tried that at home) and authentic Chinese and Mexican cooking. So it’s been an amazing experience so far. Totally the right choice for her.</p>
<p>Well I don’t quite know what is a ‘successful’ launch. We abruptly left the kid at MICA when she made it clear that we were of no more use to her. We had had plans to go out to dinner again with the room mate and her mother, but that did not come to pass. Since then we have been out of contact with her. It’s been hard. I’m very conflicted aboutthe whole thing. I have not tried to call or text her. Her Dad has given in and tried a couple of times but she hasn’t responded. We know she changed her email account and passwords. We also know she hasn’t used her meal card or charged her flex spending account. The only way we know she’s actually alive is because of the change to her facebook account. I’m sure she will call us as soon as she needs something. But this shutting us out is not very conducive to having a good relationship. I feel resentful about working my butt off so she can go to school and she can’t even give her Dad or I the time of day. Selfish and self-centered. Just as always. Are all kids her age this ungrateful?</p>
<p>Has she been a communicator in the past? D has called us twice to talk about her classes and texts every day. But then again, she’s always been a tell-all kid, and a non-stop talker.</p>
<p>I know things are going well for my D if I don’t hear from her. Otherwise, the phone is ringing all the time! </p>
<p>On the other hand, I know a Mom who will turn off her kid’s cell phone service if she doesn’t hear from him at least once a week, or if he won’t answer her calls. I don’t know how difficult it may be to turn on and off a cell phone (I swear, the Sprint store is one of the inner circles of Hades…) but it sounds like an effective strategy for an ungrateful kid. They may be resentful, but you have a right to basic communication and decent treatment.</p>
<p>et tu, greenwitch?
today is for switters and loveblue.drae is the last one left.
boo hoo woo bow wow wow</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>I agree. Simple courtesy is never wrong. I’ve heard it said that we treat strangers with more courtesy than we do our own family members. Perhaps when she does contact you for something, you can pretend you don’t know her ;-D. In the first week alone, we’ve gone thru a smashed thumb, losing her glasses and her wallet. Thumb was determined over the phone to be OK (H is x-ray guy), glasses were found in the bottom of a bag (she knew they hadn’t gone far, as she puts them on her bed when she sleeps and they slipped into the bag next to her bed. She’s legally blind without them and has a great deal of problems finding anything without them). When she did a pocket check, realized the wallet was gone, ran back to the last building she was at and there it was on the top step, untouched - which she found amazing. A wallet chain is the next thing on her list of must haves.</p>
<p>Gluten - check out the thread in Parents Forum “Parents of the College Class of 2014 and Beyond”. Lots of stories about launching, with various degrees of communications issues!</p>
<p>First off, Gluten- that s*cks. </p>
<p>Redbug is right, we do treat our families worse sometimes because we are under stress and its safe to let go of our inner nice guy with the people we feel safe with. Having said that, its no excuse and I would feel bad too. </p>
<p>But you didnt call her? Did you guys talk about how often the two of you would talk? My S and I did, because know I talk to him too many times at home, I work from home, and kind of know his whereabouts, all his friends, what is going on with him, what he is reading, interested in, who he likes, etc…</p>
<p>And I know he finds this stifling, probably, I remember that feeling, and so we discussed can we talk every couple of days? But of course after dropping him off in NY, and driving home I used the excuse of his dad and I getting home to call and say we got home, even though it was really just to hear his voice.</p>
<p>Anyway, G- can you have an adult conversation with her, and tell her how you feel? Make it about you, and not her?</p>
<p>G-Mom…tough. I have a D who will probably be very similar at launch. S is not a great communicator but is generally pleasant and appreciative. I do have to try not to call/text. He is in full immersion mode and seems to have almost disappeared but I hope
he will be more communicative once the initial excitement wears off. Fingers crossed.</p>
<p>D on the other hand is less likely to be a rewarding launch. She can be wonderful one moment and then one of the most spoiled brats the next minute…right now we are in full brat mode. I find the parents thread “class of 2014 and beyond” a little depressing since most of the kids have been oh so sweet with cute little text messages to mom and dad. I prefer the rather difficult stories of launch and parenting so I know I am not alone. Thanks G for sharing your mixed launch story …let me reciprocate with my own little story of woe related to D. </p>
<p>I handled the launch and subsequent near-silence from S fine until D returned home from an absolutely fantastic beach vacation in the Bahamas at the invitation of a generous and wealthy family. This week since she returned I have had to deal with bad temper, a seemingly uncrushable sense of entitlement, and princess-complex–the fact I let her go on said beach vacation and paid for plane ticket seems to have escaped her notice–When I picked her up (leaving work early) from the airport I was told not only what a wonderful time she had but also *ad naseaum * about how the beach family provided her an incredible experience with great food, fun times, and (here is the knife to the heart) “mom who is so easy to talk to and looks so much younger than other moms”. Life with me and H is clearly a step down and the good times at the beach were a welcome respite from the drudge life at home (and unrelated, apparently, to our full time jobs to pay for the ticket and going on said vacation with wonder-pilates mom and corporate lawyer Dad to a private island home in the Bahamas). Yesterday, she whined about how hard it is to stay at home this week there are chores, and a mom who expects minimal effort in the house–the LOOK when I asked her to take out the garbage–and to complete summer homework. She actually complained after one day at home on own that “it is so boring at home…all I do is work”…actually called me at work where I had been at my desk since 6am to complain about how hard her life was at home… Well, you know she will never go on a vacation like that again, but how to erase the damage…no idea…I hope the attitude will fade with the tan line…</p>
<p>I doubt this rich girl friend of hers has better gene pool than your princess; young trophy wife won’t erase the damage done from the geezer dad.
you must know the girl well enuff, is she prettier, has better legs, better brain, better social skill ( as much as your D to get jump over socioeco Berlin wall to get “invited” " asked " to come along with supposedly treasured family intimate time?)
To me, your D is the blessed =chosen one.
from my experience, this means only one thing, their kid is total brat and could not stand vacation with mom and dad, need constant entertainment ( your fab D at service)
I’d generally try hard not to be mean to any kid and I would never ever suggest telling your D how lucky she is to have fab bro, dad and mom who are smart and love her enough to no need baiting her with " entertainment bonus pack" for wondering around Guggenheim Bilbao.
She knows in the bottom of her heart. How good it is to have neighbor’s pastina instead of five star dish from resort joint plastered and facaded on capitalism slavery of local folks and its economy, if not now, sometime later. let’s hope we all live to see that day…</p>
<p>FAMOM – wow, that sounds like my MICA girl to a T. We have sort of a cinderella household around here, with my older two girls rarely able to bring themselves to lift a finger while the youngest (my Manga girl) picks up all the slack. She is really a great kid. Admittedly the middle one has issues – Asperger’s and a bunch of other baggage – but the MICA girl is a piece of work. She has still not called or responded to her Dad’s (he’s a softy) email or texts or voicemails. I have remained steadfast. I thought at first that I should just wait myself out. I recognize that she is within her rights to do certain things like change her email accounts. That’s fine. But this totally cutting us out was unwelcome and very unexpected. When we sent in the deposit for MICA we sat down and wrote out a list of expectations for the summer and for when she was away at college. She is supposed to call us at least once a week. So, technically, her week is not up until tomorrow evening. Given her immaturity and ADHD, we really tried to not make too big a deal out of her failures over the summer (ie she didn’t get a job - and didn’t try very hard either - she got her license but refused to drive herself anywhere – every time it was time to go to Krav maga, she had an excuse – so the twice a week commitment she made was in fact whittled down to barely once a week) and now I’m afraid that since we let things on our expectation list kind of slide by during the summer, she’ll think that we aren’t going to hold her to the list for while she’s away at school. She will be in for a rude awakening, if that’s the case. We negotiated that list in good faith. We compromised on issues like piercings – we agreed to ONE additional ear piercing - but the rest of the items were not negotiable. We will not pay the tuition if she gets tatoos, doesn’t call us, gets arrested, doesn’t maintain her scholarships etc. She is going there against my gut instinct and better judgement that she should have waited a year. But it is what it is.</p>
<p>The rational part of me sees that these apron strings need to be cut and she needs to figure out this stuff for herself – and if it takes her being out of contact to do it, so be it. But I had hoped that our relationship would not seemingly deteriorate. I envy those Moms that have close relationships with their daughters. I know I had a close relationship with my Mom – and I still am very close to my sisters. But my MICA girl has, I think, a touch of her sister’s Asperger’s – she’s introverted and socially awkward – and I wouldn’t characterize our relationship as close. I worry that if I call her I will go off on her and my hurt feelings will come out – and this won’t help the situation. So I’m trying to be practical and tell myself that I do, in fact, want her to be independent and grown up and able to make it on her own. I just have this sneaking suspicion that this is going to blow up in her face – and I will get caught in the updraft.</p>
<p>Sorry this is long, but I wanted to add something about my manga girl. She went to Cape Cod with a friend last weekend. While she was there, the friend’s mom snagged her sketch book and asked if she could show it to the other guests that were there (they were having a party and there were twenty or so people there). My manga girl reluctantl agreed. Apparently everybody oooed and awed over her manga drawings. One lady took my manga girl aside and told her she needed to go to art school. My manga girl told her, oh, her sister was ‘THE’ artist in the family and was going to art school and the manga girl wasn’t intending to follow her older sister’s footsteps (she’s scared to death of being compared to the MICA girl – but none of these people knew the MICA girl) – this lady is apparently an artist and she really was pushing the manga kid to consider art school. So manga kid came home from Cape Cod all set to work on a portfolio – saying maybe she will go to art school. I warned her she’d have to change her manga ways if she’s going to do that. We’ll see what happens. She will be a sophomore in HS this year and is dreading facing the MICA girl’s art teacher that she had for four years (this will be manga kid’s first exposure to non-manga art class).</p>
<p>Anyway, not sure how I feel about two kids in fancy schmancy art schools at the same time. Maybe manga kid will be interested in some other field (she talks about psychology).</p>
<p>I guess I need a shrink.</p>
<p>Glutenmom - I think you are very sensitive to your daughter’s introversion and personality quirks; I can also understand given said quirks how your hurt feelings might not produce the desired result should they get away from you in a verbal confrontation. However, you have every right to know that your child is safe and well. She is not giving you this peace of mind. </p>
<p>I think I would disconnect her cell phone. When she calls to complain tell her it was disconnected because it was obviously stolen - why else would all contact go unacknowledged? Don’t sound hurt, just let her figure it out. If she doesn’t communicate with you at all, why would you pay high priced tuition? How do you know she’s even in school? She needs to see the basic logic of why she needs to communicate. The emotional side is probably beyond her ability to process at this point - the getting basic needs met should be easy to grasp and help you sleep at night.</p>
<p>Gmom
I know it is wrong thing to ask at the moment but have you left all them meatballs, gluten free spaghetti-Os and cookie dough balls with your MICA kid?
she got have to eat. every time she eat your food, she must think of you.
I sent my kid without cell phone ( we got only one that we share and I needed to have it for time being for we don’t have ground phone either ) to long sleep away and stuff.
I had no idea what was happening -I know he is there and alive otherwise people would tell me, no?
sometime he’d call borrowing someone’s phone or send joke e-mail from the library. sometimes, none for days, weeks.
One thing I did was while I was doing road trip America college spying tour by myself, I’d find tackiest postcard at each town and mail it to him, like, every other day or so.
I did not care if he would read it or not, I got kick out of writing short travelogue and finding local post office or mail box to send it in. ( it was hard in TX, like El Paso, there were no mail box to be found in Downtown. I had to chase US mail truck driving by to give it to the guy)
It turned out that my postcards were big hit at his camp with bad spelling and all. my kid saved every single one of them.
I learned that what I wanted to say the most did not need to be said ( there aren’t much room left on the postcard, and anyone could sneak read it if they want to, I didn’t say anything mussy) but somehow it spoke louder to him than anything I ever did for him.
After that summer, our relationship have changed and as a result, I am not helicopting anymore and he is not going to be a traditional college bound.
I have come to understand that, life is a marathon. what good for him is different from what I think good for him. Not now, maybe later, maybe never.
we can coexist happily how long it might take for him to find what he wants, good thing he is making some money and is low maintenance, I wouldn’t have saying this if he was she and pretty one that is.
my hope is that them meatball are speaking for you.</p>
<p>I agree with the cell phone disconnect. If I did that to my D, she would be contacting me in a heartbeat! If I did not hear from her by the end of the week as was agreed upon, I would call her the next day. If it blows up in her face, at least you can rest assured knowing that you did your very best. Hold on to B&D’s speaking meatballs.</p>
<p>BandD…I will forever be MUSSY and never MUSHY…so far your very cutest typo/anglo mistake. I love it! thanks for an uplifting thought but now back to the downer of teen daughters and launching…G-mom…I too have wanted to hide in a closet and cry after another hurtful daughter moment. Knife to the heart is an understatement.</p>
<p>G-Mom So…here is an interpretation/suggestion from my point of view. But take it only as a suggestion, not a criticism. …you know best.</p>
<p>Your daughter knows perfectly well how hurful her behavior at orientation was and how truly cruel she is to not call or respond to emails and texts. She knows. You do not need to tell her or accuse her of something so obvious but you do need to get to the point where she can apologize and change her behavior. And it has to be an apology she really means not a coerced one to get her phone privileges back. D’s who feel (fair or not) that they are persecuted, controlled and hovered over feel powerless except for the power to hurt the people who are controlling her. You control tuition, the phone, etc… you put lists of conditions on her behavior in the summer. Other kids may react positively to these incentives for change, but our Ds see such conditions as examples of dictatorship and, furthermore, they are doomed to fail to meet the parental expectations/conditions so why even try. </p>
<p>Even though you let those conditions slip in the summer, she knows that she didn’t win…she failed to get a job, she failed to learn to drive independently,…her not meeting your conditions wasn’t defiance, it was failure and she knows it. </p>
<p>Your D may also be convinced that you were right and she was wrong about going away to MICA this year. What if she is petrified…absolutely petrified that she is doomed to failure? And, already convinced of failure and parental disappointment, why not get the disappointment/anger of parents early and cut off all communication so she doesn’t have to share her fears and eventual failures with you?..you already have no confidence in her…(this is her reasoning, not mine) so she hurts you back by cutting you off.</p>
<p>…I am not excusing D’s behavior, just trying to figure out what are the buttons that we are pressing to elicit this horrible reaction from our Ds because I KNOW what buttons my D is pressing. My daughter used to adore me…worship me…now she seems to despise me and mocks my achievments and values…well, could it be that perhaps she just feels that she has failed to meet my high expectations? My knee jerk reaction to her attitude and cruel actions is to respond with accusations of how hurtful her behavior is and punish her with more restrictions and conditions. …and the cycle is really difficult to break.</p>
<p>So…if I could be wise and strong and it were my D, I would not cut off the phone yet…immature daughter will see this as just another hover-mom overreaction to maintain dominance. She will, then, give into the requirement to call but it will be done grudgingly and she will see herself as the victim. You don’t really change anything. </p>
<p>I would keep trying to call and be persistent. Don’t be hesitant, but don’t be apologetic. Call each day, once or twice, until she answers or calls you. Do this for a week. Work with your husband to see if he agrees to your plan and make it very firm when and how many times you are going to call. Always call together. It will make him feel better because you have a joint plan rather than him breaking down, softie, etc…you must be in sync on this. I find I am a more effective parent when I know H has my back, we share a plan…and vice versa. </p>
<p>If you get her on the phone, resist all impulse to say “why didn’t you call earlier?”…start by telling her how you are, how the trip home was and your H and Ds are. Perhaps tell her how her move to MICA has made little sister think about art school…Or, you have some mail to forward does she have a PO box yet? Then you can start with asking what’s the best thing about MICA so far? Is there anything that you really hate? She is waiting for teh call where you scream at her about her behavior…she is waiting for the call to find out what she is eating, if she is going to class…followed by recriminations. Don’t meet her expectations. </p>
<p>Do not ask about food, classes, roomates, etc…all reasonable questions interpreted as psycho-hover-mom by our Ds. If she volunteers other information try and say something positive or neutral but something you would say to someone else’s kid. If she cuts the conversation. Let it go without forcing a next time or frequency on calls. Just say goodbye, love you. Let the cycle begin again after one week of silence. </p>
<p>Do not drag it out–limit yourself to a 10 minute conversation even if she wants to talk more. PUT UP POSTIT NOTES to keep you on message. If she tries to push buttons…WHY ARE YOU GUYS CALLING? I AM SO BUSY! God you embarrass me with your calls. Stay on message, pass the phone to H before you explode…just say “we wanted to tell you how things are here, But, since you are busy, we will call another time.” If buttons get pushed and it starts to turn into a huge fight, multiple recriminations and tears over the phone…cut it off and try again the next week. I know this will test ALL of your willpower…I get down to Ds level waaaay too often and sucked into the cycle so I know that this is good advice but very difficult to follow.</p>
<p>I know this is really long and other strategies suggested are firm limits/cut the phone…all good advice for some kids but, at least for me, have not worked. I have, however, had limited success with a neutral entrance to a conversation and positive reinforcement of good behavior rather than pointing out the obvious bad behavior; they know when they are being obnoxious, you don’t need to tell them, just don’t let them do it to you…walk away, cut the call, breathe, breathe…
Really big “abrazo” …good luck. I am rooting for you.</p>
<p>mussy mushy
grrrr I knew something was amiss but spell check did not fix it for me.
good thing you (and art people) get them alright, I was a laughing stock during my brief sojourn at the parents’ turf.
" many of us have no idea what you are taking about"
" is this English or swan song?"
" translation anyone?"
" it was incoherent"
those heli-bragger moms are all sicko. I got boodoo doll made from left-over bear fabric for them.
evil never wins! ( wait, that means me…)</p>
<p>^ so it is voodoo.
boo hoo dooooo woooo</p>
<p>FAMM - what a great take on the situation. Every kid is different and what works with some won’t work with others. </p>
<p>G-mom - hope you hear something soon. Altho you know she is alive (via Facebook change), I would have general safety concerns. I heard MICA is a rather border-line dicey part of town. Is this true?</p>
<p>You have all really touched me with your posts. Your support means a lot to me. Fammom, for somebody who has never met my daughter, you sure have her number! Thank you so much for passing it along to me. You are right. Her therapist actually told me the exact same thing - but somehow the written words – or at least your expression of the situation – made much more of an impact. I had always told the kid’s therapist that I am not into pretending to be something that I’m not. I can’t pretend to be confident that the kid will succeed in this MICA business because I am most certainly not. You are right that she knows that both her Dad and I think this is a bad plan and we both went forward with sending her there primarily because it was something she claimed to so desparately want – and we did try our best to dissuade her. That being said, we did try to do absolutely everything we could think of, short of moving in with her, to make sure she has the support she needs to succeed (if she uses said supports). We spent hundreds of dollars to get a full battery of psychological testing done so that she will have official access to the Learning Resource Center at MICA, I did lots of cooking and baking so that we’d have her special diet covered, we bought her a printer so when she procrastinates until the last minute about doing a paper she won’t have to worry about getting access to the tech center or whatever and can get her stuff printed (I have no idea if you can just email in assignments, that would be ideal). We really cannot think of anything else we can do. Now it’s up to her.</p>
<p>Bears - your note about the talking meatballs is priceless. You are right, every time she takes a bite out of a muffin or a cookie, she’ll know that we love her and want her to succeed.</p>
<p>Anyway, I did get a very terse email from her yesterday. It said “It seems you have no interest in hearing from me but I still don’t understand what I did to make you mad.” Not even signed. Nevermind that her Dad has tried to call her and has texted her as well as her sister. So keeping Fammom’s advice firmly in mind, I called her. She answered! ‘Why are you calling me?’ she asks… I kept things light and said I was just checking in with her to let her know that we are all fine as I was sure she must be wondering how we were. I didn’t say a word about changed passwords and email accounts. I said ‘how are things with you?’ and she said she was busy, but she gradually seemed more at ease as we talked. She even volunteered information - she got to all of her classes five minutes early (that’s an accomplishment for her if it’s true), she had been mostly eating in the dorm, but she had gone to the Meyerhoff once and spoke to the chef – he made her an omelette. She gave me a very long list of homework assignments – made me and her Dad wish we were going to art school – a one page paper, a ten minute presentation, two paintings due in two weeks, four line drawings due in two weeks, an illustration for a NY Times article, a self portrait without using a reference, go to a gallery and write a critique of a piece there… maybe a couple of other things. So she was a bit stressed out about the volume of work. She doesn’t have class on Friday and she volunteered that she was going to try to go to the Learning Center today and also get some of her work done. She said that she and her room mates planned to go shopping this weekend (with the shopping shuttle) she said they were going to buy furniture (!) and a step stool. She said they’ve rearranged their living room three or four times. The last time they did it they were so noisy that the guys that are below them came up and knocked on their door and invited them down to see their dorm and how they’d set it up. So the girls went down and checked it out and then went back up to their room and with some help from the guys, moved their living room furniture around in the same configuration (with the added bonus that they have a freezer to contend with as well as a coat rack). I held my tongue when she said that she AND the room mates were going through the food I’d made – I told her if she wanted me to bake and bring more down in a month or so she should let me know (but she has to give me adequate notice, it takes a while to do all that baking – and I told her I have two overseas business trips, so I can’t promise anything) So it was a completely non-confrontational phone call. I think we are both relieved. I will have to print out Fammom’s post and tape it to the wall and keep her points in mind when I talk to my MICA kid. </p>
<p>Again thank you ALL for your support. You guys are great. I’m so glad I found this place. I intend to continue residing here… particularly since the Manga girl is interested in art too… who knows, maybe fancy schmancy art school is in her future – at least I have an idea of the ropes involved… or hoops to jump through or something…</p>
<p>G-mom, Yay! It sounds like a positive exchange, and clearly there is a strong connection. Its funny that she saw you sitting on your hands and waiting to call as a sign you were mad at her. I think its good that the roommates were eating her food, and nesting together, and meeting helpful furniture moving boys.</p>
<p>Well on to my launch story, which I felt weird about posting in light of all your sadness. We dropped our kid at Cooper, and got to stay around for one day for orientation stuff. For details about the art school orientation, see Bears post on the cooper thread, she got it right, and even picked out my kid sight unseen, although she should have said hi, he wouldnt have minded. She even noticed the thing I liked best about it, which was the Dean of admissions discussing how the teachers were interested in meeting the various kids and feeling like they already knew them from their hometests. </p>
<p>The dorm is ok, my S has a single, and it is small and cozy. Orientation week for my S was mostly various lectures that were an overview of the program, and then a writing test, I guess to make sure all the kids were up to snuff. Now they have the weekend to explore NYC. Orientation day for parents/friends was fun, but it was so structured that I never felt like we had a good chance to say goodbye. So we stuck around past his mandatory dorm meeting and went out for sushi. Saw lots of sad looking parents saying goodbye.</p>
<p>So as to our level of communication. I thought I could sit on my hands and not talk to him for a couple days, but I couldnt. I called when we got home to say we got home, then texted the next day, then called and said I am going to need to talk to him fairly often because I miss him and its too weird for me not to talk to him. He doesnt seem to mind, and I am trying to keep it friendly and not naggy. Today when I spoke to him he was exploring Bleeker Street looking for a Tom Waits poster for his dorm room.</p>
<p>I feel like Ive been this one person for 18 years, and in one day Im expected to be this other person. </p>
<p>One fun thing we did on orientation day was play “guess a person’s major” from their look. Cooper is art/architecture/engineering. I thought I would be good at it, and I got most of the engineers right, but the very hippest looking kids I immediately thought were artists and they turned out to be engineers too. </p>
<p>All in all it was a really positive experience. All the parents were wandering around looking about what you would expect, like they won the tuition lottery. All the kids seemed thrilled too. Manhattan is unreal.</p>