<p>sadly it is the culture of teen lives at where they live. I mean, there were one classmate who’s parent is the police officer, the kid pulled out a beer from the iced bucket and took swig in front of oblivious parents. that’s when finally I said something to my SIL.</p>
<p>The angels are cheering when you do something like that, but the SIL’s of the world are probably not. Good call, bears.</p>
<p>Did not know and was not thinking how old the kids were - I take it back - no beer, no way for sure! There have been several parents in our town in deep trouble for providing beer at HS graduation and other parties where there were minors. You go Bears, I would have said something too. Beef? Like Italian beef sandwiches? That’s a famous Chicago specialty, but maybe they have it elsewhere. Getting hungry now…</p>
<p>In China, you can drink at any age. I heard a couple got smart idea to make their baby drunk and sleepy so that they can leave the baby alone to have some fun party. It is 20 years ago and the couple is crazy but no trouble in China. </p>
<p>D got her apartment application approved and is going to sign the lease today. It took about 10 days to get the application approved, in Iowa, it may only take a day. It is in Brooklyn :—( </p>
<p>Good thing is she did find a student to sublease her room in the summer.</p>
<p>Asked her, should I fly over to help the moving and it is a “no”. her plan is to move her stuff over in a long time period, she has more than 20 days to do it. Cooper’s last day is 5/12.</p>
<p>As for leaving the cooper dorm dirty, I don’t care how much the fine will be. It must be cheaper than have me flying over to help.</p>
<p>D got classes registered for next fall, her studio classes are: drawing, painting, sculpture and a video. She is disappointed that she didn’t get in a performance class. </p>
<p>She checked on her YMCA membership and find out: need to gave two weeks notice to end the membership. I am glad she remember to take care this kind of thing by herself.</p>
<p>My D also signed up for her apartment today. Even without a summer sublet, it won’t be more money than a single in the Mica dorms (and for 12 months instead of 9). With WiFi and utilities, it may be around the same price. Very exciting! Except there are two seniors in there now, and the agency will spiff things up before D and her friend move in. That means everything comes home (in early May), and then goes back (in early June)! </p>
<p>Two schlepping beef-fests are in my future and then, hopefully, it will mainly stay put for the next 3 years. </p>
<p>She also heard back about the returning student scholarships. She was awarded $850. We’re happy, but I had fantasized about more. She knows another student or two who also got $850, one who got $1000, and a couple who got nothing. It’s something to plan on, that this may be a little bit of money and definitely not a windfall. I had hoped it would at least equalize tuition inflation (tuition is going up about $1600 this year).</p>
<p>Still, we are within our EFC so I can’t complain. I also think it’s a good thing for the kids to do each year since it gets them to document their work before it may be lost or damaged by the end of the year.</p>
<p>My S also has his apartment for next year, in Brooklyn (Bushwick) Im not sure what the sublet situation is, a little nervous about him doing it and not getting in trouble. He is planning on coming home for the summer, which I am really happy about. </p>
<p>He also has his courses for next year. Didnt get the painting instructor he wanted, but is on a waitlist. He is taking Painting, Drawing, Graphic Design, and Film. I assume also a couple liberal arts courses. I am excited about the graphic design course, since it whiffs of some practicality, and he has a love of typography, so it should be fun. He and I texted about it and he says “can’t wait until next year!”</p>
<p>thing is ( back to my lovely SIL) she is really bubbly lovely, so is her XXXLwife beater clad (but he’d NEVER EVER beat wife, he did spank kids when they were little) boxer shorts big belly bear-sh hubby.
and kids (now drinking ages) are one of those most well behaved, well mannered, plesantlies saying, gramdna hugging, willing to take up on pesky little reratives’ kids twice removed, thank you note/call never forgotten plus, get this, straight As EC galore life guarding CPR trained trusted driving -children.
here is the case study for Judith Harris. (I did actually pointed out to her in my letter)
house filled with auto parts and twinkies, instead of books and tofu- could still produce such kids while book-tofu kid’d be in troubles galore.
there is no books, but yellow page and maybe holy bible in their home. kids were never dragged to museums or libraries. no matter. they do it when they want, peers or parents or not.
so yeah, I am confused. what those kids had: unconditional endless love, parents who trust and love each other uttery totally, and consistently sceduled and dished out fatty but good food (and party beer since 16-sh)
what I could not give to my kid.
it all depends.</p>
<p>Bears, I too have a SIL like yours. While she didn’t serve alcohol to her teen daughters at home (that I know of) she did allow them to all come over s-faced, falling down drunk and would not call the other parents to let them know because she wanted her house to be a ‘safe’ place for the kids to come and they would know they wouldn’t get in trouble. I just couldn’t understand it. It seemed subversive to me. I used to worry, back when D1 was in the cutting herself stage, that she was going to turn out to be one of ‘those’ kinds of trouble maker kids. In fact the doctors all recommended not sending her to public high school because she was so ‘at risk’ for problems – reading between the lines meant falling in with the wrong crowd, alcohol/drugs etc. So we packed her off to Catholic high school. She never fell in with the ‘wrong’ crowd, but she never built very strong social relationships with anybody there. In her soph and junior years she hung out with the ‘right’ crowd – but more on the edges. In hindsight, we should have seen the parallels with Aspie girl – but didn’t.
Every once in a great while I let myself have a pity party. Here are these three great girls, with an intact middle-class family with two parents who love each other and who have known each other for 37 years (yikes!), who all do get decent grades – but who, in one way or another, have rather severe limitations (I include manga girl because she’s the one whose celiac disease is highly reactive and that has an impact on what she is able to do with her life). We have strived to raise our kids in much the same way that we were raised – family meals usually every night, family vacations, strong connections to extended family… but still it seems that everything we’ve tried to provide somehow isn’t enough and it looks like D1 and aspie girl are going to be around for an awfully long time.
I’m trying not to be jealous of Greenwitch, lol. As far as I know, D1 has not done anything about registering for the Fall (a letter came in the mail and I gave it to her and haven’t said a word about it since…). I know she ‘wants’ to be independent and go to MICA and succeed, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to get herself together enough to be able to accomplish that. We have been forcing her to be responsible for certain things, like reordering and taking her meds and she is still not managing even that. Her check book isn’t balanced, her room shows only minimal signs of improvement since she came back from MICA – she can sit at her desk now. I just close the door and turn away. She is working with Aspie girl’s social worker at setting goals, but from what I can tell, she’s not quite meeting them. Next month there will be a young women’s group starting (social worker is starting it) that I’m hoping D1 will go to. Hopefully that will give her an opportunity to not only learn more life skills but forge some more social relationships with other young women who have her sorts of issues.<br>
So yeah, Judith Harris is right. But somehow that doesn’t make dealing with the various situations any easier or less heartbreaking.</p>
<p>Hi GM and Bears, I wish I could articulate the way you guys move me. </p>
<p>I think that more or less, we should all be grateful that we dont have mean-spirited offspring who treat us like sh#t. Ultimately we are all doing the best we can, right?</p>
<p>hear hear!!!
read (yes, most of the time. no, when my drippy near done period and job deadline coincide, when somehow always falls onto the kid’s big paper due)</p>
<p>Amen to that, Switters. I keep reminding myself that there’s always more than one path from A to B – and that just because a kid is not on the path that I would have chosen doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right path for her. Of course sometimes it seems to me that there isn’t really much path there… and I catch myself sort of asking her if she’s on any sort of path at all…but I will try my best to continue to keep the faith. Things will work out for the best if I just keep trying to be supportive (and yes, somedays are easier to do that than others) and keep things moving forward more or less. Right now we are in the step backwards phase of the two steps forward, one step backward plan, lol. It can be aggravating – especially when you throw in the issues with aspie girl who also seems to be in a stepping backwards phase. They’re good kids, we’ll get through all of this somehow.</p>
<p>I very recently helped my mom hire someone (essentially a kid, 22) to help her with my dad. He is someone she knows because he works part time at the local grocery store. She thought he might be good at this, and not mind it, because he helps take care if his own invalid father, so maybe wont be squeamish. He is doing pre-nursing ( i think foundation classes) at the local community college. Moved to the area because of some low income housing deal that I dont quite understand, but his dad was hurt on a job and there is some disability thing. Anyway, the kid comes by for the first try at the new gig, tattoos, earrings, backward baseball cap, gentle demeanor, helps my dad with his shower, strips his bed, makes sure the toilets are clean, folds a little laundry, all in under an hour, is respectful, manages to maintain my dad’s dignity. I practically wept with gratitude. I paid him, said thank you, and said “Your father must be so proud of you”. The kid said, “well, yes, he is”. So wise and gentle, and only 22. I think they must all grow up.</p>
<p>5 x 5 storage in Shepherdstown, WV = $25/month. 5 x 5 storage in Baltimore, MD = $65/month! Still, it should be worth it if it cuts down the moving from two trips to one. D will have to be VERY careful about what she puts into storage - no painting stuff or anything else flammable. </p>
<p>Glutenmom, I feel so bad for your struggles. Maybe I should complain more so you feel less alone. D2 does call me a lot, sometimes tearfully for hours on end. She is easy and self reliant in many other ways and I’m grateful. I know that things will be very different, and more difficult, with D3. I’m trying not to think about that yet and don’t want to “borrow trouble”. So I feel blessed for D2’s capabilities and yet I’m crossing my fingers all the time too.</p>
<p>A week or two ago, in the New York Times “modern love” column (Sunday Style section), a woman started writing about her husband. But then it turned out that he had embezzled money in her name and she came under scrutiny from the federal investigators. She moved out, moved back in with her parents, and came undone. She couldn’t bring herself to sleep in her old bedroom so she slept on the couch. For 6 months. Her mother, to support her, slept on the loveseat nearby even though she couldn’t fit on it without her limbs hanging off. Also for 6 months. The daughter went for a routine gyn check up and the doctor, remembering her visit from the year before, asked if she and her husband were thinking of starting a family. Of course, this question was devasting to the daughter and she told all to the doctor who was amazed by her mother’s devotion in sleeping on the love seat to be near her daughter. The love story was really about the mother.</p>
<p>And I ask myself - would I do that? And I answer myself - no. But maybe I would if I really had to. And hopefully it wouldn’t exhaust me utterly or make me resentful of my daughter. And I know there would be a corner of my mind that would just want to be left in peace and not burdened so much, especially if my daughter were already an adult. How big would that corner be? How much might it grow over time? Gmom, you’re in this situation now and shouldn’t feel bad at all for wanting it to be over already. All those trips you took, all that food you made, all those warnings and reminders you gave her and it wasn’t enough, not yet. We all do this dance of trying to be helpful and supportive, without doing so much that we’re sabotaging their sense of competency. She’ll come around, you’ll survive, and hopefully it will all occur with a minimum of pain. Easy to say and believe, at least, not so easy to wait for.</p>
<p>That doesn’t sound very promising since it’s all put off in the distant, rosy, future, but for now, keep coming here to share your troubles and we’ll all try to make it not so hard for you. I’ll try to be more forthcoming too so it doesn’t seem like there are so many unreasonably unchallenged people out there!</p>
<p>thanks G launch saved!!
and
are you reading my mind?</p>
<p>we just got back from last bit-o-midwest HS vacation/colleges on tour.
I can’s say much or he’d kill me
school 1- can do after merit/fin aid
school 2- surprisingly barely doable if I will be sleeping on someone’s couch for the next four years.
school 3- money-wise same as school 2 but great LAC, not an art-art school
school 4- great city, and that’s about the only thing going for him. money is still tight.
he couldn’t care less any of them until his (our) dream school said no. he might try again next year.
Cooper Pratt SVA is not the options anymore (for now) because he have to go away from me and the city for his own good.</p>
<p>now after the tour, he is rather taken by option 2. I have no heart to push 3 over 2 even I wanted to.
either way I would be giving up apartment so the rent money could be converted to tuition/living expense.
of course there is</p>
<ol>
<li>get a job, go to community college or CUNY, save money and transfer.
he is not ^this sort of kid, not now at least.
I feel that if we loose this momentum and rather generous merit/grants that can not be extended, he might just drift away.
I should at least give him a year, to see if he’d keep doing something meaningful, which helps if he’d reapply to the dream school or elsewhere to transfer if he choose to do so.</li>
</ol>
<p>5x5x5 storage in NYC area, is at least $100/month. I am not even doing that, bubbly lovely SIL’s garage had to help us LOL </p>
<p>how much would you do for your child?
it all depends.
people say to me “but you got to have life!”
what if
one’s life is her kid (and job, where I’d spend many nights anyways…)
am I sabotaging his sense of competency? you bet.
them again if he were to take sub-ed federal loan max 5K a year, that’s more than burden on his shoulder. I don’t even wanted that but it seems if he choose 2-4, he had to.</p>
<p>last night, we dyed eggs like we always did. because it’s craft-y side and chocolate I love about Easter (sorry those right minded folks) seeing how nifty his masking tape skill and triple dipping color way developed since those wee-kid spilled dye juice days, here I’d go
“how could I not do anything humanly possible for him so he could get best possible years that help him be whatever he is going to be?”
sacrifice is a wrong word. because I totally thrive doing it. It gives me a reason to get up.
is it wrong?</p>
<p>can’t edit anymore, that is 5x5x10or12, I think.</p>
<p>Bears, could he defer admission for one year, after putting down a deposit and promising to attend? He should be able to keep his merit/financial aid package and he can spend the year working or just pondering his choices. Or trying again. Then again, if he might drift away, it would be better to choose a school and bite the bullet. </p>
<p>I don’t want to see you living on someone else’s couch, a situation which will only get worse for the next years, not better!</p>
<p>Bears what about option one? That is school one? The one that is doable?</p>
<p>good quaint painfully nice people freshly cut green glass pansies tulips library with brand new free Macs drenched in the sun plus museum got Caravaggio and Singer Sargent with key lime pie in the cafeteria inexpensive town direct cheap flight from NY
…
he was bored.
I can’t make him, could I?</p>
<p>Dear Bears
Like others here the idea of you giving up your apartment for him to do SAIC makes me nervous. Did he really really love SAIC? Unless you have some money set aside I would have a real serious talk with him about finances and the wisdom of not spending huge amounts of money on a couple of introductory years of a very expensive art school. This is really a quandry as I get that you don’t want him to get so bored that he fades out of school but there’s really nothing wrong with a good foundation learning about Caravaggio and Sargent and the classics before moving onto the latest thing. In fact the most successful “new” movement artists always tend to be the ones that have the strongest grasp of the classics in my opinion. do you have the sort of relationship where you could really sit down and discuss financial options? Like Greenwitch I’m worried about the thought of you on a couch somewhere.</p>
<p>smarty Shhhhhh!!!
he can hear you!!!
well OK so there.
thing is SAIC is BA, do some studio but not dipped in it. he met with few faculties and felt solid.
couch…
to tell you the truth, I have been living on someone’s couch or some sort for, let’s say…last 35sh years of my life. even time I had own apartment, there was no room for two beds, so the kid always got one. It really is not the issue.
money talk would be hard.
he knows how it is already but also made him confused because I would send him to pre-college or camps with pocket money and supplies. always paid for his classes or club dues, donation sort, since I could do without many things because my job is casual (I mean fury). re:haircut, dry cleaners, nice clothes and shoes
I should tell him this time really is hard, and he have to take federal loan. that might already scare him away.
he will ask some teachers’ opinion once school starts, see how he feels about it.</p>