<p>A close cousin of mine recently entered a relationship with a man 22 years her senior (she is 21). They seem happy so far, but is the age difference too much to have a successful relationship or is it just wrong? Would you allow or at least approve or disapprove if your children entered a relationship with a considerable age difference? Or where would you draw the line, roughly? The reason I find it odd is because I always see it as if, say, you are 22 years old and your friend just gave birth and you look at the baby and realize you will be dating him/her in the future. Of course there have been successful relationships with large age differences but then is it still more worthwhile to pursue someone at or close to your age?</p>
<p>And? </p>
<p>My 26 year old sister is dating someone just a few years younger than our father. Idc. Neither does my dad (though he thinks it’s a bit odd). </p>
<p>They’re both legal adults. Live and let live.</p>
<p>One of my college classmates married a gentleman who was 20 years older. Thirty-plus years on, his health is better than hers, and they are still rockin’.</p>
<p>Sometimes it works.</p>
<p>It’s really up to the two people-legal adults and all that. It’s not my place to “allow” anything of the sort or not. I’d think they might not have much in common at 21 and 43, but at 41 and 63, it might not matter much-just going by my own personal growth over those years.</p>
<p>That said, my sister is married to someone 10 years older, and they’re going on 25 years. And one of my good friends is married to someone 20 years older-they met when she was in her mid-thirties and he in his fifties. What is that quote? “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Nothing “wrong” about it.</p>
<p>While the term “allow” doesn’t hold much water when you kids are over 18, as a mom I would be concerned if my 21 year old daughter was involved with a 43 year old man.
There is a huge difference in life experience there, and the power would all be with the older man. I would be concerned that he was 1) using her as a trophy girlfriend because of looks or 2) using her as a partner he could control because of his higher " status".<br>
If anyone has experience with a 21 year old woman marrying and living happily ever after with a 43 year old man, in the last 20 years ( not Grandma and Grandpa) I would love to hear about it.</p>
<p>Happy mom, your classmate is duly noted.</p>
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<p>My mother and my father married when they were 22 and 42, respectively, in 1986. My mother was a waitress at a bar that my father managed. At some point, my father fired her. Oddly enough, they began dating some time later. Health is a very salient factor in these type of situations, I think. My dad, who died last year, was unhealthy in absolute terms but it didn’t help that he was 20 years older. My understanding is that his age put a strain on things romantically towards the end. As for the power dynamic, both of my parents acknowledged that there was a big life experience gap between them but I think my mom sort of “caught up” in their years together.</p>
<p>I don’t like big age differences and told my daughter to avoid them. One of the few things I have told her since she became an adult.</p>
<p>Having said this, I have two friends that are involved in relationships with big age differences of over 20 years.</p>
<p>Time will tell…</p>
<p>When people are 35 and 55 or 40 and 60, I think it’s “doable.” But early 20s and early 40s…I think it’s rarely successful. Of course, there’s the case of Will and Ariel Durant, who married when she was 14 and he was her teacher.He was 13 or so years older. Shockingly, it was a very long and apparently very happy marriage.</p>
<p>I think it depends on the couple. I also think that if you are outgoing and like to socialize, it’s tough. I think the friends of the 22 year old would be unlikely to want to socialize with some in his early 40s and people, especially women, in their 40s probably wouldn’t want to hang out with a 20 something. </p>
<p>Kids are another big issue. Someone 22 might want to wait a while to have kids. Not many 50 year old men want to become the daddy of a new born. There are exceptions. Think Tony Randall as an extreme one…but his wife ended up a widow. While part of me thinks that marriage is nuts…part of me thinks Randall was a good guy. (If you don’t know the story, Randall was married for a lot of years, but never had kids. He wanted them desperately. After his wife died, he married someone one-third his age and they had two kids. He then died. See [Tony</a> Randall and Heather Randall - May December Romance - Marie Claire](<a href=“http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/tony-randall-wife]Tony”>Heather Randall, Wife of Tony Randall: The Marie Claire Interview | Marie Claire) )</p>
<p>So, I admit, I’d be very upset if it were my D, but sometimes it works.</p>
<p>This is a question that has been raised on this board before. So far people have only commented on whether a serious relationship can be successful with the age gap. What if it’s not a serious relationship?</p>
<p>I married my H when I was in my late 20s and he is 15 years (not quite 20) my SR. We have been happily married now for 26+ years. It’s always interesting when we would go out with my friends shortly after we married and he’d say, “Wow, your friends ar REALLY YOUNG!” I’d smile and say, “Actually, they’re MY age.” He and I share more in common than I do with many of his friends. Since our kids are closer in age to my family & my friends, we spend more time with them than most of his buddies. It has worked out pretty well for both of us. He’s “younger” and healthier than many of his peers.</p>
<p>One of my friends was a young 20ish and married a widower about 30+ years her SR. They were very happy for many decades, raised a son together, and according to friends, when he hit about late 70s, he “suddenly” got OLD. Her role went from wife to caregiver–the last few years of his life were especially tough. Their marriage lasted 40 years.</p>
<p>I agree the power balance between a 21 year old and a person about 20 years older is very unequal and I’d be concerned if it were my kiddo. Time will tell.</p>
<p>to post # 6:
“She was working as a waittress in a cocktail bar when he met her…”
paraphrasing a bit, but you know the song!</p>
<p>My husband’s father was ten years older than his mother. He also had much more education than she did; he had an advanced degree, and she was a college dropout. There was definitely a power imbalance between them, but it seemed natural to both of them, and perhaps it was.</p>
<p>Then my husband married me. We have only a 2-year age gap, and we both have graduate degrees. But we have had a lot of trouble over the years with my husband’s assumption that he would always be the dominant decision maker. To him, this is the natural role of a man in a marriage – after all, it’s what he saw with his parents. He has never quite understood that while it may have been natural in his parents’ marriage, where there were good reasons for the power imbalance, it’s not natural for us.</p>
<p>There was a very attractive young woman on one of the bridal shows recently who was marrying a much older man. I’d guess she was late 20s and he was 60ish. He was wealthy, she was giddy with happiness. People want what they want from a relationship, who is to judge?</p>
<p>My husband’s aunt and uncle have always been close as have been the cousins and that family exploded when the youngest cousin, some 20 or so years ago, married a woman about 20 years older than he was. T had taken a leave from state U where he had bombed first semester as an Engineering major after having always been a great student and easy kid for the parents, ideal in fact, taken a job, met M at the job, and then they were getting married. All by Thanksgiving. Aunt and uncle came to our house that year, last minute for Thanksgiving, because they could not bear to be with their own kids since each of them were having issues that were giving them grief, but then T’s announcement was the final straw. </p>
<p>It is a curve ball when this sort of thing happens, even as it’s a tale as old as time. In fact, still, young females are married off to older males in some cultures. A friend of mine who came from such a culture was in ever so much pain when her DD chose to marry someone 20 years older when she was in her low 20s in age</p>
<p>Some 20 years later, cousin’s daughter is on a scholarship, an engineering major who has successfully completed her first year and well in her second at the same university where her father flunked out. A beautiful, vibrant, bright girl. The marriage has been a successful one. T is finally looking like he is not M’s son, however, as he always looked so young for his age. </p>
<p>It does shatter expectations, but you know…if they care for each other, the SO is not a bad person, a criminal, can make a living or contribution, so what?</p>
<p>First husband and only D’s father was 19 years older then I was (19/38) when we started dating. Divorced after 12 years together (D was 4.5). Second husband is 15 years older (41/56) when started dating, now 46/61). I am much “older” and more matched this go-round plus 5 years less of a spread. </p>
<p>The age difference mattered a lot the first time b/c I changed/grew much more than he did and after about 10-11 years, we were not even close to a good match. This second marriage is going very well - we are both “old”!!!</p>
<p>(I had a 7 year relationship with a man my age in between - that was a serious mismatch maturity wise for us - he needed a mother!)</p>
<p>You know, I don’t like it because it does go against my own expectations and wishes, but there are some situations right now where two young 'uns of the same age, neither with a pot to water in or a window to throw it out or the wherewithal to do either are of more immediate concern. Some even have a child in the mix. </p>
<p>The age difference may seem unsavory but the young “Romeo and Juliet” may have a lot more strikes against them in having things work out. There are also many perfect looking relationships where everything on the surface seems just right, but there are serious cracks in the situation. With lot of young adults in this household and many cousins, friends and acquaintance, I can tell you that you gotta go with the flow. When there is a serious problem like abuse, a seriously BAD 'un as the SO, that;s when you really get worried. </p>
<p>My niece did it right. The love of her life was a stinker by any definition and it just about put my brother under when she took up with the guy. Nearly broke up his marriage, as his wife was wisely telling him to please, please, ride it out when he wanted to kill the guy, and said he’d gladly go to jail for it. Yeah, it was that bad. Well, she married…someone else last year, and I don’t think parents were so thrilled, nor were we–too young, too soon, gave up some good options, but the new guy had a huge advantage in making my brother compliant and even paying for a reception. That guy came after Guy #1 that would have had a shot gun at his neck at the altar but not for traditional wedding reasons.</p>
<p>I met my husband when I was 22, he was 40. We hit it off immediately and had 27 good years before he died. He was a young at heart man and I was born at least 40 years old! It worked for us and most our friends/family never noticed age differences. The one place I noted it was in our musical tastes but it was never an issue.</p>
<p>As someone else said, it’s hard for you as a parent to “allow” your 21 year old to do much of anything. Of course, when we’re talking about romantic relationships, it’s hard to exert much, if any, control at any age.</p>
<p>My sister is 20 years younger than her partner of almost 20 years. She is just a few years older than his oldest child. How’s that for weird? Hey, I might’ve been in elementary school at the same time as your oldest! We could’ve been playmates! </p>
<p>My parents weren’t crazy about the idea, but they did what they’ve always done, graciously accept whoever their child has chosen as a partner. </p>
<p>God (or whatever/whoever you believe in) has a funny way of making you appreciate what you once thought was pretty awful. A might-as-well-be-a-son-in-law closer to their age than their daughter’s is a pearl compared to the completely age-appropriate but brings her own beer to family gatherings in case there’s not enough woman that their son wanted to be with!</p>
<p>In the middle ranges of life, 20 years may not matter that much. Between 18 and 38, people change a lot. Between 40 and 60, not so much. But there is a huge, huge difference between 65 and 85. Health, energy, etc. start to decline. Is someone willing to be a relatively healthy and vigorous 65-year-old tied to an ailing, declining 85-year-old spouse? Just something to think about. </p>
<p>Of course, life holds no guarantees, and love is love.</p>
<p>It’s not an ideal situation in terms of percepton and expectation, but that isn’t what is important in the long run. When some family members get involved with age appropriate rotton eggs, things like age may pale in importance.</p>