<p>Just whining, so please humor me. My mom (age 84) bought D2 (age 17) a longish coat for Christmas and mailed it to our house (she lives 600 miles away). The coat is simply… not to anyone’s taste in our house. D1 also tried it on, as did I. None of us cares for us at all – fabric, cut, or length. She sent D2 a few other small gifts, and D2 sent a tactful thank you note mentioning them all, and praising the gifts she liked (also trying to avoid mentioning the TWO wristwatches my mom sent her, again – neither anything close to a style a 17 year old might want). </p>
<p>So my mom asked me on the phone specifically about the coat. And I confessed that it was not to D2’s taste. So mom says, “Oh, it is from Kohls. I will send the receipt and she can pick out a different coat.” Said receipt arrives today… but it is NOT from Kohls, it is from a store that has no locations in our state or nearby states. Sigh… and Mom wrote a note saying to ignore the second coat on the receipt, she bought it for herself. Um… it is EXACTLY the same coat. So my mom bought a coat that she liked for her 84 year old self, and sent along an identical one to her 17 year old granddaughter. And now I am stuck with the coat (and receipt), 600 miles from anywhere that it can be returned. Mom also was specific in the note that the coat was to be exchanged for another COAT, and a photo of D2 in it should be sent to her.</p>
<p>Wow I fully feel for you all the way around!!! </p>
<p>On the one hand, I think it’s sweet that at 84 your mom still wants to shop and pick out things herself - my mom wants NOTHING to do with shopping for gifts - and she makes that pretty clear! </p>
<p>But if you are like me, it’s so hard to handle not only getting things you don’t want, but seeing the waste of $$$! And the idea that your D should buy another coat and take a pic - wow, my mouth dropped!!</p>
<p>I don’t k ow how your relationship is with your mom but I would surely want to draw the line at the second coat and pic. I would say D doesn’t even need a coat at this point. You could suggest that she could use something else (like a pair of boots) or you could offer her money back. </p>
<p>How are you suppose to return it if you don’t have the store in your area??? This all sounds like TOO MUCH TROUBLE!!!</p>
<p>We could do a whole list of grandma aggravations. Can you return it by mail? My mother has racks of “expensive” clothes she tries to unload on the girls, some new (with tags,) some used, some that should have been tossed decades ago, but Mom held on to them, for sentimental reasons. We’re talking mostly things so outdated only a theatre club might want them. D2 kindly accepted the polyester serape, then came home and asked me what she was supposed to do with it.</p>
<p>I’d be tempted to tell a white lie. Good luck.</p>
<p>She’s 84 - just be thankful she’s still around to even have this issue to think about. I’d just find it amusing and be pretty happy she remembers enough to send anything.</p>
<p>I’m sure there are people who’d love to have the coat so if you can’t exchange it you might want to consider donating it.</p>
<p>Oh, we do the white lie business all the time (note the wristwatches mentioned in the original post). I am just checking, and the store she bought it from does have a web site. I will call them tomorrow and see if I can send it back through to them. We have practically begged my mom to consider gift cards so my two Ds can pick out something that fits and is to their taste. But my dad (who has never shopped for a Christmas gift for anyone except his wife in his life, let alone returned any of them) insists on no gift cards. And she does what he says. Sigh. Ugh. D2 just informed me that she would be happy to give up Christmas, and that we can just celebrate the Solstice with no gifts next year.</p>
<p>GladGradDad, easy for you to say… but this kind of stuff happens EVERY year. She sends lots of stuff, almost none of it anything anyone wants, and I am stuck donating/returning/lying about it/feeling bad that she spends her money on stuff no one wants. It makes Christmas into a chore.</p>
<p>If she’s like my 83 year old mom, she just enjoys shopping. She really doesn’t know what people really want unless they tell her because, well, she’s 83.
I’ve learned to request things from her early in the season that I know will work out. This year I told her I really, really needed some new cotton pajamas. I mean, how can you go wrong with PJs? As long as they are cotton, I really don’t care what they look like.
I told her my son and husband needed ties. (her taste is pretty good on that score) and that my Dd needed foody things- suggesting a basket of baking goods and cooking supplies. Guess what? She complied, and actually had fun with it. As long as there is some discretion in the choosing, it’s still fun for her to shop, and that’s what matters to her.
Would your mom go for that? Broad suggestions early on so she can still have the fun of shopping?</p>
<p>Lol… telling her what they want does NOTHING. We had a thread on this last year. My mom believes that the gift should be a reflection of the GIVER. Not what the recipient might want or need. I have tried giving her suggestions (and I try to make them things that would be super easy for her to find and buy, not obscure things). She is not interested in getting suggestions. She wants to give what SHE wants to buy. Essentially she gives things she would like to have for herself, regardless of any suggestion she receives.</p>
<p>I get it. My mom has this tendency, too, and did the same for years. Now that money is a little tighter, she’s becoming more practical.
I think if your mom is not taking suggestions at all, I would have no qualms telling her that none of the things worked out. I wouldn’t spare her feelings. After a couple of years of this, she may start listening.
I’d start by telling her the coat is lovely for an 80 year old person, but is completely wrong for your daughter, and send it back to her!</p>
<p>Well… some years I have sent back everything that wasn’t something anyone wanted (sometimes we swap stuff if one of us likes something the others don’t). Then she gets angry with me (I get lectured on being ungrateful and making work for her to return the items!). And my dad gets mad at me, too.</p>
<p>As I said, I just want to quit Christmas. :(</p>
<p>Try and sell it on ebay or craigs list. Use the money from the sale to buy something else. Best you can do. I look at any xmas gift as an extra. If I don’t like it, I can maybe return it, sell it or donate it. If your D ends up with nothing at the end of all this she is no worse off than before xmas. If returning or selling is a chore, then just donate it and there is no effort expended on your part. I agree it is a waste of money, but it doesn’t sound like you can do much about it. What is the saying…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference . Don’t sweat the small stuff.</p>
I hope you end up having this problem for a number of years to come since that means your parents are still around, still thinking of you, and still capable of shopping - even if it’s for stuff not to your liking.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. Because it doesn’t look well on me and can’t be returned, I have, in the true spirit of Christmas, donated it to Goodwill, where its sale for a very low price will allow a needy person to be warm this winter while supporting the wonderful Goodwill organization. I hope this solution is as gratifying to you as it is to me.</p>
<p>It sounds like there is more going on here than just Christmas. I’m sorry. Some people are just self-centered, and will never change.</p>
<p>And while I’m sure you’re glad they are both still around, I understand that it’s hurtful. I get it- but like mamom says, it’s not going to change.</p>
<p>Gladgraddad, I do appreciate that my parents are still around. But please stop projecting your issues onto this. It is a pain in the rear, regardless of whether the giver is 25 years old or 85 years old. Old age does not give someone the right to continually impose on someone else (especially if they have been doing it since they were much younger, so you know there is no medical or age-related issue at the root of it). Moonchild has it right, some people are just self centered and never change. </p>
<p>Maybe if we moved further away – to another country, so she would have to fill out customs forms…</p>
<p>GladGradDad- I’m sure that intparent is glad her parents are still here. That doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to complain about their insensitive behavior.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think she knows this isn’t “big issue” stuff. But it’s still annoying, and when you are the one doing the bulk (all?) of the Christmas shopping, organizing, etc., and are in charge of the success of the holidays for your family, these things can get under your skin. It also speaks to a lack of respect for intparent and her family. At least it feels that way to me.</p>
<p>If it can’t be returned for credit or exchanged somehow through the website, I say send DD to Goodwill (or the like) to donate it, try on some random coats, and snap a few cell-phone photos. She might even find a coat she likes enough to get for herself. Grandma needs a photo of her in a coat. There is no absolute requirement that DD actually needs to buy and/or wear the photo coat ever again.</p>
<p>In some ways you are fortunate. With this kind of crazy in your family, your kids will be ready for whatever life throws at them.</p>
<p>intparent, so sorry for the aggrevation you’re experiencing. To me, it sounds worse because your mom is EXPECTING something from her gift-giving: a thank you note (I agree) + a photograph (I don’t agree).</p>
<p>Since your mom is so very specific about wanting to send something, I suggest you get a something and tell your mom “this gift is from you”. That’s when you can send pictures.</p>
<p>It sounds like Grandma is on a power trip, exerting her will over her children and grandchildren. Requiring a photo of the replacement coat is ridiculous. I’d conveniently “forget” to send any photos of a different coat.</p>
<p>They’re gifts so you’re not “out of pocket” if you can’t use them or don’t like them. Just take some pictures and then donate them to a charity.</p>
<p>I’d send grandma a photo of your D in the coat she likes and already owns, if that is your D’s fav coat, thanking grandma for her good wishes and kind thought. It sounds like your grandma is trying to figure out a way to stay in and relevant to your kid’s life, even though there are many miles separating you. Proactively, I like the idea that was mentioned by someone above–broadly hint what you and/or your family want–e.g. consumable foods, 100% cotton pajamas, things from a store that has a branch in your town, a donation to your local public radio/TV station in your family name, donation to favorite charity _____ in your / family name, heifer, etc. </p>
<p>My mom finally gave up buying us clothing when she realized that our styles were greatly diverging and that we were tending to return everything we could from her. She started just writing checks to all of us and I tend to take her out for meals. It is less stressful for both of us.</p>
<p>What made my returns relatively easy and less painful this year is that I only purchased from a few stores and all had great return policies–Costco, Macy’s, Express and Sears. I also kept all the receipts in one zippered plastic case. This was one of my easiest holiday seasons ever! I did end up returning a ton of merchandise, but since it was just from a few stores AND I had the receipts, it went very smoothly and quickly.</p>