<p>OP,
How would it be to forward links to clothes or things they may like? Do your parents use a computer? If not, what about catalogues?</p>
<p>I think of the time and cost of sending a coat, when that is such an expensive and personal item. such a waste.</p>
<p>DD can take a picture in a friend’s coat too</p>
<p>Yikes! What a way to add stress to the holiday. Snap a pic of D in a coat, and see about mail order returns. </p>
<p>So glad my Dad and my MIL just give the kids $$. Present opening is a little flat, but we don’t have to run around with returns…</p>
<p>I’m on the same vein. Seriously I would take a picture of the coat sent and say that D decided that she did like it (I assume she will look ridiculous in it, you can only hope your mother sees how silly her granddaughter looks in a coat she has) and since there are no stores in your state has decided to keep it. Take a picture of her in front of church or equally sedate venue.</p>
<p>If at a later date your mother asks what happened to the coat tell her that it got so many compliments that somehow it was stolen.</p>
<p>Then if you can return that puppy or give it away. Passive aggressive is my name. :)</p>
<p>This year I took my MIL shopping for Christmas presents. The nieces and nephews got North Face fleeces. Of course my PITA D ( already had a vent about her earlier, she might get a lump of coal next year) told me college kids did not wear 1/4 zip fleeces anymore, only old ladies like me. Sigh.</p>
<p>OP, you’ve gotten some good suggestions. I would probably call the store and ask what they recommend, since you have the receipt.</p>
<p>It took me years to convince my FIL to have gifts he ordered from catalogues sent directly to my kids, rather than to him, because in the latter case it was nearly impossible to exchange them.</p>
<p>I wonder if the demands (must be a coat, must have a photo) came from your father and not your mother? You did say that he is the one insisting on presents and not gift cards.</p>
<p>For years my mother purchased clearance rack turtle neck shirts for my girls. She lives in upstate NY and loves her turtle neck shirts. She would proudly present them to me during her visits. “They were such a good deal!” The problem is that my girls hate turtlenecks and we live in the deep South. MANY hints were dropped before she finally put an end to that practice.</p>
<p>And to your credit Intparent, you mentioned in your first post “just whining” - and we all need permission to do that sometimes. :)</p>
<p>See, my mom will look in the closet next time she visits to see if it is there (I am NOT kidding). And will insist that D wear it if we go out somewhere. So faking it/lying can be very tricky.</p>
<p>Bookworm, mom does not use a computer. Dad does, but he does not get involved in gift giving except to lay down the law about not giving money or gift cards. 
Older D does have a Pintrist, but no way to get access for my mom. If we lived in the same town, I would completely do that – have the Ds put what they want on Pintrist, and sit with my laptop on the couch with my mom and browse for ideas. BUT, my dad also will not let her use a credit card to purchase online (my mom just got her first Visa/Mastercard in the last two years). (Maybe you can see where some of this issue comes from here? It is not just mom…).</p>
<p>deb22, maybe I should give my mom a PUPPY. So she can have that feeling of getting something she does not want that is hard to get rid of. 
Just kidding, of course. But tempting…</p>
<p>I imagine that not only is this awkward for you but also for your daughter. She’d probably LOVE to have a new coat that she likes, but also is having to deal with the fact that she is disappointing her grandma. Plus likely your anxiety over this gift thing over the years with grandma has probably trickled down to D.</p>
<p>I think IF you want to do anything about it, you just have to be respectful but honest. Don’t put yourself in the position to have to lie or fake a pic.</p>
<p>MommaJ had the perfect answer. Someone who could really use the coat would get one, you would get it off your hands, and there would be no lying involved. I have the same mother as you do, so I know how hard it can be, but it is also liberating to be completely honest with them sometimes.</p>
<p>Mine is going through some health issues (temporary) and I swear to you she was GLEEFUL to have a diagnosis to wave in front of her friends. I told her last night that martyrdom is unbecoming and I won’t play along anymore. I’ve done that a couple of times recently. Respectfully, but with total honesty. </p>
<p>Try it, you will feel so much lighter!</p>
<p>You know, sometimes for diplomacy you just put the coat in a closet and pull it out when grandma visits. In a year or two, it goes off to Goodwill. I have a niece who lives out of state who has given us many framed photos. I don’t have much room for them, so they stay in a drawer and are pulled out right before she comes. A little dishonesty but no hurt feelings.</p>
<p>But then D2 would have to WEAR the coat. And I’m sorry, but it is actually pretty appalling. D2 is trying not to cause conflict, but I am pretty sure she would not go out of the house in it. And we go through this year after year. If we pulled out all the stuff she had sent and wore it/displayed it, it would make us all crazy (and we and our house would look terrible). I would need a whole closet just for “Grandma is coming, get this out/wear it”. </p>
<p>Zoosermom, I have reminded my mom a couple of times in the last year that things are not all about her (not the same as martyrdom, but honest in the same way). She sputters and claims that it is not the case. When it clearly is – see other thread on D2’s college search, which is pretty much about Grandma’s desire to brag at bridge club about where D2 goes to college. By the way, one of the odds on favorites right now is Harvey Mudd – I could see D2 picking it just so Grandma would have to say that name repeatedly to her friends. :D</p>
<p>My mom also thinks it’s about “the giver,” except when she’s the receiver. Then we have to run around to find whatever she asked for, usually something obscure. (And, I’m not one of those sorts who enjoys hunting during the holidays.) This year, I got a windy talk about coffee makers- how Consumer Reports explained they don’t all heat the water to the right temp and this and that and that. What the experts have to say about a “perfectly brewed” cup. Say what? She only drinks one cup/day, has a Melitta set-up and has a Keurig type in her apt common room. I try to grin and bear it, as a lesson for my kids.</p>
<p>intparent, I think you are the sister I wish I had. Good luck.</p>
<p>Hijacking this thread: I have a similar problem, but it’s not my Mom who got the gift for me, it’s my H. I don’t dislike the gift. In fact, it’s gorgeous, but it’s something I probably won’t use that much. (It’s a very expensive designer bag.) I guess my problem is that it seems wrong for something that expensive to sit in my closet. I know H would have hurt feelings if I returned it. He shopped for it with my daughters and they loved it. I’m sure both of them would feel slighted as well. So–do I just wear it and not feel guilty. If I knew H and Ds wouldn’t feel slighted, I’d return the purse and use the money for a trip. In fact, one D already asked me if I’d used the bag yet. Sigh . . .</p>
<p>Sounds like an impossible situation. I had an email from a neighbor who said she had some of her clothes stolen over the holidays. Maybe a thief could have really terrible taste and only steal your mother’s presents. </p>
<p>I have no idea of what you do about this. She won’t listen, won’t take advice and tells you are ungrateful if you don’t like what she bought. Maybe you stop thinking about her feelings since she obviously doesn’t think about yours. Easier said than done.</p>
<p>Bromfield, I posted about an expensive purse I bought my D that she decided she didn’t want. I guess I would think about it this way, would your D’s return something you got them, was expensive but couldn’t really use. Would they return it? I think if you could go on a trip for what the bag costs, I would have to be honest and return it. But then my people have no problem telling me to return stuff they don’t want.</p>
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<p>Yes, as often as you can and think about them picking it out for you and them feeling that you are worth it and smile.</p>
<p>I did a very big favor for my sister and she spent a lot and bought me a very expensive purse. It’s very nice but it’s really heavy, hurts my back, is so deep I can’t find my keys or phone in and is a color I don’t wear often. It is very pretty but I think a purse is hard to buy for someone else. </p>
<p>It sits in my closet. I feel bad but I need a purse I can find my keys in and doesn’t hurt my back. My sister is a person who carries the same purse for 10 years and I like to change my purse with the season.</p>
<p>So I understand thinking of the person and sucking it up and using it but sometimes that can be hard. </p>
<p>I also thought my sister bought that purse because she feels that I carry cheap tacky bags. (I do, I like them). I guess that was also part of why I’m not thrilled about it. (I’m projecting my own feelings into this aren’t I)</p>
<p>Someone has probably suggested this already, but here is what I would do: Return the Christmas coat by mail to the store 600 miles away, for credit at the store. Have daughter buy a new coat she likes at a nearby store. Young women can often use more than one coat, for different circumstances. If the original coat was “dressy,” which it seems to have been, then maybe a coat for going out to special restaurants, shows, church, etc. would be good as a supplement for the everyday coat.</p>
<p>The store credit could be used for something else you want at the store 600 miles away, that could be shipped to you. This might work out. I forgot–did your mother also want a receipt? If not, I think this plan is workable.</p>
<p>Just thought of this intparent. I don’t know where the coat was purchased from but there is a regional chain called Younker’s but in different parts of the country it’s called other things, one being Elder Beerman. They are the same chain but different names and you can return from one to the others. </p>
<p>I know it’s a long shot but thought I would mention this. (Been there, down that 
)</p>
<p>Yes, my mom has both Elder Beerman and Younkers in her area. We have neither. But I am going to call the web site help number for Younkers this afternoon and get their advice.</p>
<p>Edit: Just talked to the 800 number from the Younkers website. They cannot take returns via the website process for merchandise purchased in a store. It must be returned at a store location (Younkers store). Sigh… :(</p>