Aging parent responsibility all on me

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have a brother who lives in the same state as my father but does not talk to him because he feels my dad is “difficult.” I live a plane ride away and dad is going through some medical tests which could lead to possible diagnosis requiring ongoing care and support. I told my brother that I would be flying down and asked if he could pick me up at airport. Brother said “I am leaving town for a week to see to my house out of town but if I am around when you are here I can drive you.” No emotion. No support for what I am dealing with.</p>

<p>I should add that my mother had cancer many years ago, and, although my brother was talking to her he was nowhere to be found when I took her to chemotherapy and drove back and forth for 2 hours each way to see her when my baby was 6 months old.</p>

<p>Bottom line is I need my brother’s support this time. I told him so and he basically didn’t respond.</p>

<p>I also should note that my brother is a millionaire and could well afford to help me out financially with the plane fares etc but does not offer.</p>

<p>How do I handle this?</p>

2

<p>I would straight-out say:</p>

<p>“I’m not sure what the difficulty is between you and dad and why you don’t want to care for him at this critical time, but, if you can’t contribute emotionally, you need to at least contribute financially. Can you help me with expenses so that I can properly care for our father?”</p>

<p>We had a similar circumstance last fall. Wealthy BIL was in the throes of a lot of stress/big business deals and couldn’t be with his sister in ICU as much as he would like. The local family was being exhausted. I had the time to help but not the money, so BIL paid for a few nights in a hospital-affiliated hotel and expenses. I was thrilled to be there and not have to worry about finances; he was thrilled family was on-site and had money to spare. It felt a little weird at first, like I was a hired caretaker, but it worked out really well all the way around as I was there when things really went south and everyone was happy to have a strong advocate there who could talk to doctors.</p>

3

<p>In my experience, few families are blessed with multiple siblings pitching in equally at times of family or eldercare challenges. My thoughts are that you can outline what would be helpful, see if real help is offered in return (some of the help has a higher “cost” than it is worth) and ultimately just own, for yourself, the role you chose to take in a given situation. I am on the frontline solo frequently and I take it as my chance to do right by others and look myself in the mirror. I have grown a lot in these contexts where it is possible to step up on other’s behalf, and have become a better resource to many because of it.
I have learned not to go to a dry well for a drink and nurture bitterness. It tires you out for nothing. I have many friends who play a similar role in their families, and we support each other. It is the siblings who opt out that lose the most. Also, my now adult children have learned a lot about aging and ways to be supportive and caring through the lifespan. Priceless… Hang in there.</p>

4

<p>Compromise with your brother. You arrange for a caregiver to take over the duties necessary to care for your parent. Since he is a millionaire and doesn’t want to help with the caregiving duties, he can help by paying for the cost (or split the cost between him and the parent) of the paid caregiver. </p>

<p>You manage the phone calls (doctors, setting up appointments, dealing with the caregiver, etc.) and your brother can manage the financial aspect.</p>

5

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<p>He’s not going to offer. So it’s time for you to help him do the right thing. Tell him, calmly, something like, “since I am the one flying in to help Dad, I’d like you to pay for my flight. I understand that you don’t want to be involved personally but I think it’s fair for you to help life the financial burden off of me.”</p>

6

<p>sep2000, your words are so wise. </p>

<p>Some people these days have no clue how or whether to step up to the plate when elderly relatives are declining. I’ve got a few of these in my family. The only reason I know, is because I work in a hospital and have learned how families do this for each other. Growing up far from extended family, in a town filled with people transplanted from other parts of the country, I had no example of this as I was growing up. </p>

<p>Wishing you the best in following some of the above suggestions as to how to get him to help, at least financially. Does he understand how hard this is for you, financially and otherwise?</p>

7

<p>As others have said, you need to have a talk with your brother about the situation. However, what I want to add is that he doesn’t have to get involved if he does not want to be. Yes, morally it is the right thing to do. Yes, it is the fair thing to do. Yes, you can expect some sort of help. But, if he has made or makes the decision that he does not want to have anything to do with your father including paying for your visit and his needs, that is his business. He might be going to hell when he dies, but that is not going to help you now. If he is not going to help, and you are going to help your father, it is all up to you as if you do not have a brother.</p>

8

<p>Lots of wisdom here. I agree that it is those who opt out who lose the most. Being present with a dying parent is a huge gift. Those who chose not to be there, or who are actually unable to be there, usually have a harder time dealing with it.</p>

<p>If the expenses associated with helping your father are really a burden for you, then by all means ask your brother directly and calmly, as others have indicated. Be aware that this is likely to result in his taking the stance that you are a blood-sucker and that the family is only interested in his money. If it comes to the point that your father needs home care, Medicare will pay for some of it. If your father has long term care insurance, that might help also. (It depends how long the waiting period is and what the criteria for disability requiring assistance are…you should start familiarizing yourself with the benefits available to your father now.)</p>

9

<p>When my parents’ health failed, they basically needed to be rescued from their home in a state thousands of miles apart from their 3 kids… my 2 brothers and myself. We each fulfilled a different role. I was the physical caretaker. I got on the plane and was with my parents. I made medical decisions. My oldest brother took care of finances- he paid for my flights and related expenses. My middle brother liquidated and sold the home and all material goods. We each played a role we were comfortable with… I feel that mine was the most emotionally and physically taxing, but it was the appropriate role for me.</p>

<p>The bottom line siblings communicated honestly and frequently with one another. We also made a pact to support each other is our assigned roles… no criticizing, blaming, meddling in each others decisions. </p>

<p>Three years after our parents’ passing, we have friendly relationships. I am proud of the way we handled a terrible situation. Talk honestly with your brother. I’m guessing he will feel a measure of relief if you give him this option of contributing monetarily. Good luck.</p>

10

<p>So true. My mother is back in the hospital again, and my son is home for Spring Break. Long talk with him about why I do what I do, as I am one of four. It is hard for him, as a 19 year old, to understand that I do what I do for my mother not because she was a great mother (she wasn’t), but because it’s the RIGHT THING TO DO.</p>

<p>It is up to you to ask for money. An above poster is right when he said, you will be perceived as the blood sucker. I have a sister who has not seen my mom in three years because she claims she can’t afford it. And I do not offer to pay for her to visit because I know she can do without her manicure and hair dye for a few months to visit her aging mother. She had asked in the past for us to pay her airfare, and I refused. All of us visit Mom on our own nickel, and why should she be reimbursed. We all have bills and families just like her. </p>

<p>I don’t want to be critical, but just because you perceive your brother as a millionaire and able to afford to help you out, doesn’t mean that he can financially help you out. Is he married, has children? He may have to answer to his wife about every penny he spends. My two brothers, one of which is now deceased, were both financially better off than us three sisters, but they never once went to the store and bought Mom a bottle of mouthwash or a pack of Cottonelles. Their wives made it very clear to us that their money was for their household, not to shop for Mom.</p>

<p>And please, please, please, don’t harbor grudges against your brother for his lack of support. When he’s gone, you will regret it so much. We have had feuds in the family, especially over money spent for Mom, where we weren’t allowed to speak to each other by our spouses, and it was so, so painful for us. It only took one of us passing away that brought us together again. We still have not healed the wounds created by caring for our mother, but we now at least cherish and appreciate each other more for what each of us can contribute to the situation.</p>

<p>Keeping you in my prayers. There is a lot of support on this board. I can’t begin to tell you how much these people have helped me in caring for my mother. I also have lots of friends with aging parents who are in similar situations, and we are great support systems for each other. Take care of yourself and God Bless.</p>

11

<p>My wife’s family had some disagreements too, among the 5 siblings. Both parents needed physical care, but not professional in-home medical care. Fortunate(only from their health perspective) that from the time they couldn’t care for themself to their passing was a relatively short time of about a yr. Fortunate in only the sense that they didn’t linger for years. During that time there was resentment- who lives closest, who helps physically, how much time spent, who pays, etc.
Sorry to say the resentment doubled at their passing, when the will came into play. Some felt those that didn’t help deserved less than a 1/5 split due to little time or money spent during the terminal period, way less than those who helped a lot. It was the disagreement of measuring the value of someone’s time vs. someone else’s money vs. someone’s lack of help; and trying to take into account the ability to help. It was the idea that : Someone won’t have time or money to pitch in now while parents need help, but they’ll sure have time to to get to the reading of the will, and they’ll find time to cash the disbursement check. Much like the children’s story “The Little Red Hen”</p>

<p>In the end, it was a 1/5 split for all as the will directed, but some felt those that did not participate that last yr should have gotten less. I can see both sides of that argument, and I’m glad I wasn’t involved in it.</p>

12

<p>^^^Oh, yes, that does and will happen. Surely, the sister who never visits mom will be the first to look for a check when she dies, and was the first to look for a loan when the house was sold, dad died and left insurance. </p>

<p>In talking to the family lawyer recently as we prepare to get Mom qualified for Medicaid, I mentioned to him that there had been disbursements to some siblings who had had financial hardships in the years since my father passed, and whether those monies would factor into any financial settlements that will occur either with Medicaid or at Mom’s death. He said to just leave them alone, they’re in the past, and don’t worry about them.
Everything will be done as a one fifth split, including my brother’s estate, even though his widow and children collected a multimillion dollar life insurance policy on his death, and never repaid any of the money my mother had loaned them while my brother completed his medical training and they married and had four children before he even went into private practice.</p>

13

<p>Sorry for all the bitterness. This is obviously a sore subject for me.</p>

<p>I am wishing you all the best, and I do hope you approach your brother with a loving, not judgmental, attitude. Maybe suggest that he should come and make peace with his father, now that the end is near. But it will be his decision.</p>

<p>Just remember, no matter what happens, healthwise or financially wise, he is your brother. He is your family. And while what he decides may be hurtful to you, forgive him and move on and do what is right for your dad.</p>

<p>Keeping you in my prayers. Take care and God Bless.</p>

14

<p>The intertwined relationships between parents & kids & the siblings is mysterious. I have always been the closest, emotionally, to my parents, and EVERYTHING fell to me. Which is fine. I never minded all the care, selling their home, handling their move, etc. BUT, now that one parent died and the other is all alone, I do feel resentful, at times, that I have to think about how things are going all day, every day and no one else has to even think about it, unless they choose to grandly bestow a phone call. I have a sister who is as helpful as she can be from afar & working full time, she is very thoughtful and also helps by listening to me vent when I get frustrated. That really is a big help.</p>

<p>My DH & I both love & enjoy my parents very much, we don’t resent being the obvious choice, but it is a lot like having a toddler. When a senior cannot drive and has no social group in a new area, all the effort to entertain falls on us, all the need to be creative and help the senior have a good life falls to us.</p>

<p>I have a sibling nearby who is willing when called, but really does not make any natural effort, I guess she is just too busy. It amazes me. I am responsible for every moment of every day, she is 20 minutes from here and it is pulling teeth to get a phone call let alone an outing.</p>

<p>What is the right thing to do? My nearby sibling was sort of the black sheep of the family, by her choice, she left the area and she chose not to be involved. So, if she and my parents did not have much of a relationship for the past 40 years, how obligated is she? What is the right thing for her to do?</p>

<p>I try to be fair to her and what her side must be, but sometimes I could just hit my head against the wall wishing she would do something.</p>

15

<p>Unless your siblings agree to make adjustments in the way assets are divvied up, there is no pro quid pro in any of this. You do what you do because it is your decision to do it, not for any expectation of a monetary or other reward. There have been many families who have been ripped to pieces by arguments related to this situation. </p>

<p>My close friend is still in a law suit with her sister over the division of property from their mother’s death. Often when the parent is elderly and infirm, even if that parent makes changes to the will to adjust for those who are helping out, it can turn out to be a nasty fight. </p>

<p>Yes, you are doing the right thing. It does not mean you will be rewarded for it.</p>

16

<p>OP,
I am currently going through similar issues. Imo, the best thing you can do for yourself is see if you can talk your father into moving very close to you.</p>

17

<p>Don’t assume he knows what the right thing to do is. I’d lay out your wish list of what you’d like him to do. Far better to communicate now than years from now for him to have no reason why you are angry. My heart goes out to you.</p>

18

<p>I absolutely agree that the OP needs to have a heart to heart with the brother and lay it all out. The brother should be given every opportunity and encouragement to help out. This is truly a difficult situation for all involved. You want to make it as easy as possible for him to want to help. </p>

<p>But do be prepared for a refusal. Some people do not want to be involved in their parents’ lives. You cannot force someone to pay or help.</p>

19

<p>Hmmm … I agree that there is a lot of good advice on this thread and I’m not sure why but I am able to look at this rationally rather than emotionally.</p>

<p>If you approach the subject of money with your brother would he really think you were out of line? I don’t understand the thinking that when this kind of care is provided by family members it should be free. It is extremely expensive if you have to pay for it, maybe he needs to be made aware of this. If he won’t reimburse you maybe your parent’s estate will.</p>

<p>Don’t be a doormat. In my in-laws family I watched a sibling take care of the elderly parents for 10 years in exchange for room and board. It was way too easy for the other 6 siblings to decide that since she was a family member the care was free. I know what she did was done out of love for her parents but now her financial situation is quite desperate and the gratitude of her siblings doesn’t help her pay for food.</p>

20

<p>I absolutely agree with cpt in 18. It starts with a talk about parents needs. Don’t just assume he knows all. I’d urge the OP to plan first what she wants to say. Be ready to lay out what help the parent needs now, and what is foreseeable in the future. I’d strongly urge the Op first speak about things OP can do; referring to things like medicines, help with daily(physical) living, seeing household finances are paid on time and everything else that goes with caring; lastly- I’d be sure to mention his chipping in money as the very last thing I mentioned. I’d try to be ready to tell him how much time I had too, to indicate if I can’t be there for every need someone else will- and after that pitch I might even say to brother- what about the times I can’t be here? Will you? Or will you need to hire someone?</p>