<p>I’m pretty sure my brother will take the tactic of “you shouldn’t give up your life for dad’s care.” because my brother has told me that in the past. In other words he isn’t doing it and he doesn’t really care if I do either…which gets him off the hook in his mind.</p>
<p>quest, perhaps one of the things you need to do is honor your brother’s feelings about your father. It is possible that your brother is just a selfish jerk. It is also possible that your father wounded him quite badly in ways you don’t know about. Perhaps if you are able to extend that kind of understanding to your brother, he will agree to help in order to help YOU.</p>
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<p>I can see why people sometimes feel this way. I’ve never had a close relationship with my dad and feel like he is very difficult to deal with (he’s on wife #4, so that should tell you something). But I do feel I have a moral obligation to take care of him if the need arises…I guess because he financially supported me until I was old enough to be on my own and I think taking care of one’s parents in their time of need is the right thing to do. I see it as a matter of reciprocity. </p>
<p>I think Bay is right. If it’s obvious you won’t get help from your brother, see if you can your dad moved closer to you. It will make it easier on you in the long run.</p>
<p>quest I think it can’t hurt to ask your brother straight out if he can help financially; then you will know one way or the other if the onus of your father’s care lays completely on your shoulders. If he refuses, that’s on him- everyone’s moral thermometers float at different levels.</p>
<p>If he can’t/won’t help financially, is it possible to move your father closer to you?</p>
<p>We are not quite at your level… we care for my mother- she lives with us, but so far she is still able to take care of herself… until she thinks it’s OK toast marshmallows on the open flame of her stove and the smoke detectors in the house start beeping! I have a sister and brother and both are unable to assist in any way. Will they expect money when mom dies? Of course. Luckily mom, no longer has her house and the only property she owns is her 10 year old car that I co-own with her.</p>
<p>My sister is the one who always says, I wish I could help you with mom financially but we cant. Yet, every year we hear about the vacations she has gone on. The only thing I would love to have her help with is TIME. I would love to not worry about mom and take a few days off for my own mental health. Or to have my sister explain to mom (again) that she needs to take her medicine and why. I also know this will not happen and Im still working on letting the resentment go.</p>
<p>We can only do our best with what we have or are given. My prayers are with you.</p>
<p>My brother is selfish and self centered. He is the same guy who, after taking money from my grandfather (who had very little) to pay rent on his first apartment DID NOT GO to my grandfathers funeral because he was working. My mother begged him to attend and we all thought he would show up but he did not and simply said it wasn’t convenient.</p>
<p>What upsets me more than anything is that my brother goes about his life with very few cares ( has plenty of money, is single and dating, travels, hardly works) while I work, things are tough financially, and I am there for my father who lives 20 minutes away from my brother. Terribly unfair!!! </p>
<p>And, no, my father never did anything terrible to my brother. My brother admits that he doesn’t see him simply because he is difficult to be around.</p>
<p>My sister also is a difficult personality. My parents call me when there’s a problem, and I live three hours away, whereas my sister is a five-minute drive. I’m not sure why she is so bent out of shape about our family. She does blame my parents for some things (nothing bad), but she’s 55 and really should just get over it.</p>
<p>Still, what is the worst that could happen if you ask your brother to pitch in financially? That he’ll prove that he’s the jerk you already suspect that he is? DO it, so that you’ll have a definitive answer. Sometimes they just are clueless. My BIL once offered to sell his used, tricked-out Lexus SUV to dh for a steal. I’m sure it was, but dh had to say, “That’s 2/3 of my annual salary.” :rolleyes:</p>
<p>QB, you know your brother well and yourself well. You now know that there are others on this board in the same boat. Some have family help, others do not. As the situation with your father unfolds (it appears you do not have all info yet), keep your eye on what will work for you. That means what do you want to be able to do and what is beyond you financially, logistically,emotionally, etc. As others have said, if there is a gap between what you are prepared to do and what your father’s needs are, speak to your father and your brother about how to close those gaps. You will then be talking specifics, rather than asking for general “support”. Many elders come to “forks in the road” when more care is needed. They move, spend $ on services, etc. in ways no one would have anticipated. Take care of yourself in this process, and be true to yourself also. A burnt out, resentful caregiver is to be avoided. It is necessary to have personal limits. Your brother, like most people, is unlikely to completely change. You can however, make decisions in a constructive way. Given that you have been through this before, you probably know how to navigate all this and wanted support. I understand that, as solo care taking can get lonely/overwhelming and narcissistic people are draining. Sometimes, I find it easier to take care of things independently, as opposed to working with difficult family members. Wishing you all the best with this.</p>
<p>I will try to take care of myself, as I realize I am no use to anyone unless I have cared for me. As far as brother, all I can say is that I could not behave as he does. I am proud of who I am but I can’t help feeling resentful that he does nothing to help or support ME. I will come right out and ask him!</p>
<p>The toughest part is that brother wants to be with me when things are fun (holidays, vacations)…I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle my resentment that all he wants from me is good times and is not there for me when it’s bad.</p>
<p>I would tell him that, too. (((hugs))) </p>
<p>I really fear when my parents die what will happen with my sister. She will make a “money” grab, and I don’t know how I will handle it. Part of me just wants to write her off and say, whatever. But part of me, when my parents are gone, will feel emboldened to really tell her off and fight her tooth and nail because I’ve kept quiet all these years. Family dynamics are difficult.</p>
<p>i have two siblings–and neither one could be found when my dad was so ill. by default, i am now also responsible for my mom. one sibling lives about as close to my mom as i do, yet she claims to be busy and my mom seems to be sympathetic about how much the sibling has to do (i, too, have a full time job and other interests!). my other sibling lives far away and stays in denial about things that need to be done. </p>
<p>i remember telling my brother how sick my dad was and he should come home. he didn’t believe me until i called and said the doctors said we had just days remaining. he seemed shocked–even though i had kept him informed almost daily. it was hard for me to accept how upset he was when he chose to never come home for the last 10 years or so. </p>
<p>i have come to accept the fact that my husband and i are the only children that seem to be concerned about our mothers’ welfare. i feel bad that the other siblings are not enjoying the relationships with their mom, but that is their choice. </p>
<p>ignorance truly is bliss–the others are happily living their lives without any concern for their mothers. i am not a slave to my mother or mother-in-law, but just out of human kindness i think of them and things i can do to make their lives a bit more joyful. i hope that someone someday will feel like they could do the same for me!</p>
<p>When my sister and brother visited for Christmas this year she finally saw what I meant when I told her that it’s not about the money- it’s the time involved. We are truly a sandwich generation. I would love to have her here and do all the things for mom so my hubby and I could have a break.</p>
<p>She told me that anytime we wanted to “switch” houses for vacation she would be willing to try it. We live on opposite coasts and if mom knew were were going to the west coast, she would want to go, but this may work for others.</p>
<p>Her idea was for us to go on vacation and use her house, and she and her DH would come to our house vacation and take care of our mother.</p>
<p>Those of you that live closer to your siblings- maybe suggest a “local vacation”.</p>
<p>OP: Run to your nearest bookstore and buy this book:</p>
<p>The Daughter Trap: “Taking care of Mom, Dad…and You”, by Laurel Kennedy. The book talks about this very subject…how to negotiate with siblings to help out…caregiving daughters, eldercare solutions, etc.</p>
<p>Sooooo many people our age are going through this now, sandwiched between kids and parents…I have three sisters, so that’s a total of 4 daughters my parents had…two daughters are very hands on, one is somewhat hands on and one is obnoxiously not present emotionally, physically or otherwise. My mother is in a nursing home due to a massive stroke and cannot speak…so my sister 9the durable power of attorney) has to advocate for EVERYTHING for her…it is truly amazing on how many issues come up on a daily basis!!</p>
<p>Good luck to you, OP…I wish you the best and hope your brother pitches in!!!</p>
<p>Well, if your brother wants to be with you for the good stuff, then maybe he’ll help for your sake, but don’t count on it.</p>
<p>I was forced to move to another state as my dad was declining but not ill luckily. Trying to deal with his day to day needs and his hoarding problem while trying to move myself was a nightmare of epic proportions. He was supposed to move in with us, but never made it. I would have loved to have him with me.
My sister who is 13 years older than I, hadn’t seen my dad in 8 years. Her response at the hint of my needing help was that she didn’t have the time or money to get involved so good luck with that. Of course, after his death, she had 10 days to kill to stay with me until the will was probated.
My point is that I never, even afterwards said anything to her about how she behaved, which I felt was appaling. It still upsets me.
Ask for help once, but don’t expect any. Say what you feel once about the behavior for your own sake, and then be done with it.
You know you will do whats necessary regardless.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is… God Bless</p>
<p>ChuckleDoodle, why don’t you take your sister up on her offer and swap homes for a bit. It WOULD be good to give yourself a reprieve/respite. You can tell your mom anything you want, including she can help sis find her way around your home, but let sis have a turn and you have a break. It will be good for everyone to figure out how to give yourself a break and your sis has offered. Think about how to make it work instead of why it won’t. My $.02. Good luck–working out what works for YOU!</p>
<p>Your brother just might surprise you.</p>
<p>My mother just fell ill again, and my son is home for Spring Break, so I could not rush to take care of her this time.</p>
<p>My brother actually stepped up to the plate. He got Mom to the hospital, spent hours with her at the emergency room, and even brought her back to her assisted living when she was released.</p>
<p>Mom called last night to say that they had spent a long time talking. He is having marital problems, and he was happy to have mom’s ear to confide in. She went on and on how proud she is of him.</p>
<p>It is very hard for me to move Mom closer to me because I know she “needs” my brother and he “needs” her. Maybe he doesn’t do the petty things that I do, shopping for toiletries, clothes, etc, but, as old fashioned as it sounds, a son is more “brag worthy” than a daughter.</p>
<p>Perhaps if your brother “has” to come to dad’s rescue, his dad may see what a good man he has become, even if you don’t think so, and it may lead to a repair of their relationship. </p>
<p>Although it is hard to release control, sometimes you have to drop the exceptionality and let someone else step up to the plate. </p>
<p>And be patient. They may not step up right away. They will hesitate, as they expect you to come to the rescue as always, but give them a chance. They just might surprise you.</p>
<p>Keeping you in my prayers and hope all goes well for you and your family.</p>
<p>Montegut - Great post. </p>
<p>For the last 2-3 years I have been the primary person caring for my folks. My brother has done very little to pitch in. He believed I “babied” my folks and did not acknowledge just how much they had deteriorated cognitively. I work from out of my home (that is changing soon) and he travels so his philosophy was, “Come Monday, I am out of here.” He seemed to miss the memo that crises can’t be scheduled.</p>
<p>I understand your resentment. I have had many internal rants about his being MIA. Sometimes I would even be irritated with my folks because certainly they should see how much I was sacrificing and so why was all the stuff in the will fifty-fifty and all equal. I could get myself into a righteous snit. At some point, I knew I had to get over myself and do what needed to be done. If he pitched in - it was an unexpected bonus and I would let him know how much I appreciated it his help. If he did things differently than I would have done - fine - I did not re-do, correct, etc. It really helped me. </p>
<p>Things have gotten better. A couple of times in the last few months I asked my brother to take on a very specific task that required little face time with the folks. Selling the car for example. Taking over the taxes. Something that he could schedule on his own time and had a tangible product. It has helped. I think he sees just how bad things are with dad and how much I have done. He actually sent me a birthday card this year and wrote a line that said I deserved to celebrate. I actually cried I was so grateful. </p>
<p>So - my advice is don’t get into a huge discussion. It will only make your brother defensive. Ask for specific help on short term needs that he can do on his own. </p>
<p>Good luck and hugs. A couple of us on this thread know exactly what you are going thru!</p>
<p>I haven’t read every single post, but I wanted to pass along some thoughts. My mother died last Wednesday, nearly six years after a stroke that left her with some dementia that progressed until she finally passed away. I have four siblings. I’ve experienced much of what’s described here: one sibling who almost never visited, three (!) who did not contribute financially, adult grandchildren who found it “too hard” to see my mother in her altered state, and so on. One sibling who didn’t provide support genuinely didn’t have the money. One sibling had cancer during all of this, and I gently insisted on no financial support because the sibling’s own co-pays were astronomical.</p>
<p>I let all of it go. All of it. And it was a relief to do so, because my resentment was affecting me and it just wasn’t productive. I decided some time ago that the only thing that mattered was my mother and my own relationship with her. People do what they can do, and if their behavior is less than stellar, well, that’s their problem and their loss. As I sat at my mother’s bedside last week, I was filled with gratitude for the relationship we had over the last six years–and I was not her “favorite” by any means. By letting go of competition, resentment, and all those other behaviors that are unfortunately ingrained in families and ignite when times are tough, I was able to be with my mother, both physically and emotionally. </p>
<p>One brother suffers from untreated mental illness and has been verbally abusive for years. My next task is to breathe deeply, link arms with my family and friends, and not let him ruin my mother’s memorial service with some delusional rant. So I’m even letting go of this very difficult problem, which has plagued our family for a long time. He’s the one who’s out of control–not me. And then, sad as it sounds, I just might not have to deal with him anymore. On the flip side, I grew much closer over these years to my “baby” brother (I am the oldest). That’s a great feeling.</p>
<p>So, to the OP (echoing what others have said):
Take care of yourself.
Ask for help with small things, but don’t have high expectations. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Look outside the family to friends who can give you a break.
Don’t be afraid of releasing control, even if someone else doesn’t handle the situation the way you would.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. There are sometimes bittersweet but happy endings to these very difficult situations. Oh, and the silver lining when a parent has no resources? There’s no resentment over the division of assets when they die!</p>
<p>When we let go of all the resentment & expectations, we free ourselves and also model to loved ones the unconditional love and all the great things it can do for us and all those within our circle. Hugs & love to all who are having to deal with their “difficult” relatives and in-laws. All we can do is maintain our integrity and be true to ourselves. We can choose how WE act and feel and let the rest go. ;)</p>
<p>You know, they always say that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger (sometimes we question how strong we really want to be though). :)</p>
<p>Oops. I made a mistake in my post. There were two, not three siblings who didn’t contribute financially. So that wasn’t totally on me. The rest still holds true.</p>
<p>My condolences to you, Zoosermom. And my thoughts are with all of you going through this. I have also lost my mom, and although every family is different, that road is never easy.<br>
My mom was in a nursing home for many years, and my brother and family lost no opportunity to tell me it was “wrong” to put mom in a Home. I did what I felt was best for her, and for all of us. And I stand by that decision to this day. With time, he came to realize that in this case, we were all doing the best we could and we actually grew closer as a family.</p>