<p>Just wrote my brother an email thanking him for the help with Mom this weekend. Mom said he’s having a rough time, and he needs some encouragement right now.</p>
<p>Irregardless, I’m glad I did it. Lots of people don’t want to help, because when they do, no matter how small the effort, if they don’t get a Thank You, they’ll never do it again. </p>
<p>So, whatever help your brother gives you, lavish praise on him. It will make him feel good about himself and be glad he helped. He might be more inclined to help more in the future because of it.</p>
<p>Your lips to God’s ears. We only hope our kids will treat us half as good as we treat our folks. Thanks for the words of praise. We appreciate it.</p>
<p>It’s impossible for me to describe the Grace I have received as a result of helping my mother during the last years of her life. The journey was remarkably challenging, and I was tested with every step. I began taking care of a mother to whom I felt minimally connected (I was the wild one). I had two siblings who were nowhere to be found, for four long years, except when money was involved (meaning money that they would gain). I was the least close to her of the three, yet her closest friends were quick to tell me when she fell ill that I was the one she wanted to turn to. I truly believe this was my mother’s final gift to me, because the blessings that came out of this difficult situation have changed my life completely. While you do God’s work with your ailing parent, keep your eyes open for the gifts along the way that will be meant for you alone.</p>
<p>geezermom, my deepest sympathy for your loss. </p>
<p>And to each of you others who are dealing with these elder care issues, along with family non-cooperation, I know what you’re going through, and I hope your burdens diminish.</p>
<p>My mother rebuffed my attempts to visit I can’t tell you how many times in the last 10 or so years. She and my father were very much a society of 2. When he was failing, though, she finally accepted my help, and I dropped everything to go there and be with them. Our relationship since then has regained all of the closeness we once had, and more. That. plus being with my father when he died, is a huge gift.</p>
<p>Really so sorry for your loss, geezermom…(I’m sorry to say that I may be right behind)</p>
<p>To all you strong women:</p>
<p>Hang in there. I (thankfully) NEVER knew what being a caregiver was all about until last year. It is impossibly stressful. My mom lost her speech altogether, so cannot even advocate for herself. The issues my older sister (the main giver) is going through is astronomical. </p>
<p>We moms keep on juggling, prioritizing, making decisions, chaperoning, baking, cooking, volunteering, signing papers, laundry, bills, teaching, nursing, etc.,etc.,etc.</p>
<p>It is frightening to imagine how many people are in Nursing Homes now without ANY relatives fighting for them, coming to visit, asking questions…the role of caregiver many often times falls on the child physically living nearby…it really is a crisis of epidemic proportions. Somehow every child should want to do their part to help out IN SOME WAY…if not monetarily then to support the caregiver by doing research on the computer, physically helping out…</p>
<p>Again OP, hope your situation improves with your brother.</p>
<p>chocochipcookie - During these last few years I have often thought about people who have no one to serve as an ombudsman. My dad was in two skilled nursing facilities after his discharge from the hospital. Both were really very good. The first, however, was TOO good to him. They were clearly “nursing” him, not aggressively rehabilitating him. Now, in fairness, they didn’t know him prior to admission, but they treated him like a fragile, helpless old man. I badgered the staff constantly to expect more of him. As I said to them, I have two parents. We would not be having this conversation if my mom were here. My dad, however, LOVES to be babied. One day a nurse said to me - oh we just love your dad. I said, “Try loving him a little less.”</p>
<p>If I hadn’t stepped in, I know he would still be there and he would have deteriorated significantly. You can’t just move around during PT/OT sessions. </p>
<p>So - this was a loving situation. The people were all very kind, but without advocacy it would not have gone well for dad. </p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder - who will advocate for me. I can’t see either of my daughters returning home and I would never ask of them what I have done for my folks.</p>
<p>You are so right. My dad passed away almost 9 years ago and my mom is in a 5 star nursing home.
what does that mean, 5 star? It means that they do many things right, but also do many things at their convenience, take short cuts, etc. No matter how good the facility or the people working in the facility are, it is crucial to be on top of them each and every day. Especially in my mom’s case where she can no longer speak for herself.</p>
<p>I also have wondered, now that I have seen the “caregiver” role firsthand, what will happen when my H and I are at the age where we will need the help & care.</p>
<p>I urge everyone out there reading this to make sure you have a Long Term Care policy. Who thinks they are going to need or use it? Well, it happens!</p>
<p>Having daughters should not matter more than sons in this case, but somehow it always does. My dad died quickly and painlessly in his sleep. As shocking as it was, it was a real BLESSING to HIM and our family. Best way for everyone to go, imo.</p>
<p>This is what I was going to say after I read the first post!</p>
<p>Is it possible that your brother assumes you will be the one to help because you are the daughter?</p>
<p>I am not trying to start an argument about the roles of females in society, but if this belief is possible in your brother’s case, it is particularly important to have a discussion with him so he is not resting on that assumption. </p>
<p>My MIL and her sister took turns caring for their mother in her home every other day for several years. They finally put her in a nursing home when there was no other choice, and continued their schedule, each visiting every other day. Their 3 brothers did nothing; one never visited. Yet one brother kept asking about when he would get his inheritance. There was no inheritance. Her assets had been used up years ago. This isn’t ancient history; my GMIL died only two years ago.</p>
<p>On another topic, it is really good advice to look into all the factors concerning long-term care and possible government benefits as soon as possible. I have a relative who was institutionalized recently. She was getting good care and her mother could visit. After 88 days had passed, the institution called her mother and told her that the child could be picked up the next day (the 89th day). The mother knew that the child had been authorized to have 90 days of care, but more importantly that having had 90 days of institutionalization would have an effect on future benefits that the child really needed, so she reminded the institution of the 90-day authorization and said she would pick her up then. Many mothers might have rushed to pick up the child, but waiting one more day was the most loving thing she could do in this situation.</p>