Aging Parents living with children

<p>My mom had to deal with these conflicts. My grandfather had just had a stroke, was close to death and it was my sister’s high school graduation. She was going to be valedictorian. My mother went to graduation. I think she made the right choice. But it was hard. Some times these conflicts just cannot be avoided.</p>

<p>I am also trying to figure out what the future holds for my parents. They are in their early eighties and had been independent until last spring, when my father broke his hip and shortly after my mother was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. Things got worse in June when my mother broke her hip and my father was hospitalized with congestive heart failure. (He has had heart problems for a while but lied to us and said the doc told him he didn’t need to take any meds or return for follow-up; we knew this was not the case.) They live about 650 miles from me and I spent four weeks there last summer when my mother came out of rehab and my father was in, then out of the hospital. When I left in August we had a full-time CNA at the house but she was not a good match nor a particularly dedicated worker. Also, my mother was/is very unhappy to be spending the money she worked so hard to save on these caregivers when she has never had an hour of household help before. Things are complicated further by the fact that my parents have a particularly rancorous relationship; the atmosphere in the house is positively toxic.</p>

<p>I was back again last week and, while we have better help, other things have gotten worse. My mother will eventually be needing nursing home care, but how do we get her to understand that when she has dementia? My current plan is to get her to my home for an extended visit and eventually get her settled somewhere closer to me. My father, who has never cared all that much about the family, can either fend for himself or move out here when he’s ready. At this point he says he’s never leaving the house; I’m sure that’s not uncommon.</p>

<p>My youngest will be finishing his BS/MS program in the spring; I had been looking forward to having the time and money to accompany my DH on his frequent business travels. Now, that seems unlikely; I fear we are headed for a rough few years. We had been looking to down-size and I was posting on the real estate thread, but the thought of selling and building is now just too overwhelming so we took our house off the market.</p>

<p>On one hand, it is so good to have our kids see us caring (one way or another) for our own parents. But, I think we have to ask whether we have the frame of reference- medically and emotionally- to best tend to their needs in our homes. We are used to raising our own kids, who get a bit more independent each year. In contrast, our elderly parents will decline a bit each year. We can’t anticipate how this will happen and how their emotional needs and quirks will change. The dynamics can get challenging- and we scramble to figure out the best actions.</p>

<p>Some family members make it easier than others. My MIL was a gem. Beloved. And quite social and willing to be involved in activities. We moved her closer to us (she had been 4 hours away) and, for several years, she was in a marvelous asst living place, not expensive but well run. Then time came when she had become dependent on several close friends who reminded her of meals, activities, etc. Each was moving to other new facilities, closer to their families. We brought her to our place. </p>

<p>You should be aware that, at a certain age, any move can exacerbate decline. The familiar is gone- paths from one room to another, meal times, the comings and goings around an elderly person and noise- even the view from a window is different. What had been charming semi-independence, with care and attention, at the asst place, quickly evolved into unexpected early dementia. She enjoyed living with us, but began to wander, forget her limitations- and took a clear dislike to my younger D, who was about 8. Both DH and I were working. She spent days at an eldercare but they brought her home at 3:30. We got an aide for the transition hours, but MIL refused to eat with her- or let her help her. Unfortunately, when MIL broke her hip, it was my 8 yr old who was nearby and felt it was her fault. Complex dynamics all around. </p>

<p>Each case has to be evaluated. Its tough. It’s not always what Mom wants or doesn’t want, what we feel is right. We have to be capable of doing right by our older relatives. I wish everyone good luck in facing this.</p>

<p>Part of why our situation (Mom living in addition to my sister’s house) works is that my mother is SO easy in terms of her disposition. She is and always has been TOO nice (think Pollyanna). She is so agreeable and her aides have a pretty sweet deal. The only problem is that my sister and her family are gone many weekends and we don’t (yet) have someone stay overnight. We always worry about Mom trying to get out of bed herself (which she really can’t) and falling. When she lived by herself briefly after my stepfather died and before the addition was finished, we had several incidents where the EMTs had to come after she fell.</p>

<p>My father lived with us for several years. THe BEST parts of this were:

  1. My children learned patience and kindness in helping him and sitting and sharing their day with him…a good thing for self centered teens to have to do.
  2. Having another adult around helped. He could still drive but also when the kids got permits they could drive with him in the car as the adult licensed driver. Win, win! He liked the help, they liked the driving experience.
  3. He and my husband got along very well and had a great relationship.
  4. We did not have to worry about hiring others to help him. We were all available.</p>

<p>The hard part?

  1. Lake a privacy. He had his own room and bathroom but would sit in our family room for hours with the Tv on VERY loudly on CNN or ESPN on TNT movies!
  2. Financially I felt badly having him give money. It was odd (thought it worked out that he paid $250 a month and at breakfast and dinner here and lunch at a senior center). Working through the financial part was unusual. Our heating bill shot up and we had to pay a ton to redo a bathroom for him. Discuss money. I think my siblings should have chipped in but never asked them to.
  3. It was hard for my kids to have friends over unless they stayed in their rooms because granpa was always in the family room.
  4. It is hard having someone else, even someone you love, in the house all the time
  5. I think he had a hard time seeing ‘kids today’…the messy rooms, teen attitude, lack of work ethic, etc. My kids are not awful, but he was raised in a day and age that made them look that way at times.</p>

<p>Advice:

  1. Be sure you mom has someplace to go…ideally each day to an exercise class, senior center, Mass, etc…anything
  2. Be prepared to have her visit you from time to time to give your brother and his family some privacy. In addition, discuss vacations (does she do with them, stay home alone, go to your home, etc.)
  3. Consider the financial part. The water and electricity and food bills will increase. Your brother should get some help each month from her or you all. Also, who will pay for the new bathroom (we split it 50/50 with my dad).
  4. When your brothers other children all come home to visit, is there room?</p>

<p>Hope this helps. I would not change the time we had with him (now he sharing a home with a relative).</p>

<p>T</p>

<p>As this thread is showing, there is so much variability in how our parents decline. Some parents truly can remain at their own home or in an adult child’s home with some help with things like grocery shopping and doctor’s appointments. Others need help with dementia,toileting, bathing, moving around,etc. It is important to think through those kinds of issues-what happens if and when mom or dad need help with all of these major kinds of things.</p>

<p>My mother’s mother lived in her own two story home well into her nineties, with no help. My mother “did everything right” (lots of walking, gardening, volunteering, great diet, had her check-ups) and expected the same situation. Unfortunately, she will be lucky to be in her ranch house when she is 84. She is very bitter about how the turns her life has taken and can find no joy in anything nor anything to be grateful for. I hope her attitude will improve, but fear it will not. She has always been inflexible and just cannot deal with the fact that things did not turn out as she’d envisioned and she has very little control over much of what’s happening.</p>

<p>One of my lessons in this situation is to consider and plan for what happens if and when DH or I “need help with all of these major kinds of things” (even as I participate in the Where To Retire thread and fantasize about retiring lakeside).</p>

<p>A lot of older people get to the point where a low dose ant-depressant does a world of good. It is rarely an easy sell, especially for folks from that generation. Still, it is worth discussing with the doctor. Many people really perk up with this help.</p>

<p>My aging parents both need to be on an anti-depressant. Dad, always the optimist, has many health issues and has pretty much given up on life. Mom, the primary caretaker, is overwhelmed, controlling,nasty, and mean (she was never really like this). I strongly suggested she talk to her doctor about some meds. She reluctantly agreed to go on zoloft. When she didn’t feel better within a week or so, she stopped taking them. I told her it would take awhile to kick in and that the dosage or medication might have to be adjusted. She didn’t want to hear any of it.</p>

<p>My mother is taking celexa; they both take ativan at night. (I am taking Xanax whenever I am with them and amitriptyline every night since things fell apart in July.)</p>

<p>About a year ago, dad’s family physician did a GREAT job of outlining why it might be a good idea for dad to consider lexapro. Dad thought about it for awhile and said he wasn’t sure if he needed it. I (having accompanied him to the visit) said that if he didn’t take it I wanted the doc to write the prescription for me. I said SOMEBODY is leaving here with an antidepressant. He agreed to the meds and although he doesn’t think it has made a difference, he isn’t quite as grumpy.</p>

<p>The good thing is that my mother doesn’t watch much TV. The house TV is in it’s own room with a door. She has a little DVD player to watch Netflix movies. I think she’d probably pay for the renovations and would probably contribute to household expenses. I guess that my brother would ultimately get the benefit of another bathroom in the house. (Though amusingly they removed five bathrooms when they moved in. They were really yucky cheapo things that had been stuck into these gorgeous Victorian rooms.) I think there are enough rooms in the house that kids could go elsewhere. I agree that getting out of the house more would be good. I think she has three or four things a week, but not something every day. My brother’s house is enormous - they bought it for the driveway that it provided to some land they bought to develop and they intended to turn the house into some else. The economy tanked and they moved in. They have a big family, but really it’s huge. An apartment in the attic (which they sometimes rent out), an office, a sewing room and a TV room on the second floor in addition to several bedrooms. The upstairs hall is eight feet wide at least. Downstairs there is a big family room off the kitchen, the music room, the parlor, and the front hall which is so big they put the dining table there. There might not be room for us when everyone visits, but there is definitely room for their kids.</p>

<p>I’d love to have my Mom here whenever anyone wanted a break. It’s a four hour drive to get here though - and our house is really horribly designed for older folks. I really ought to at least put up some railings on the outside steps.</p>

<p>I really am aware of how things can change as my husband’s parents had pretty serious issues before they passed away. Interestingly, my Dad, who was a bit of a grump, became much sweeter in his last years. We were very lucky.</p>

<p>Mathmom, Back to your original post (as opposed to my personal problems ;)), could your mom move in w/ your brother on a trial basis, or maybe just for the winter, and then everyone could reevaluate the situation?</p>

<p>^I think so. I think it would be a good idea.</p>

<p>The minute I can’t care for myself independently, I want to drop over dead in my tomato garden like the Godfather.</p>

<p>I do NOT want to impose any of this crap on my son’s family.</p>

<p>I agree, skyhook.</p>

<p>True, bittersweet story: I have a friend who is 70+ years old. Two weeks ago, he shared this story about his friend who was 80…</p>

<p>Those two took a culture-related class together for a couple of years, then two years ago the 80-year-old became ill with emphysema and he dropped out the class. Shortly after that, he became so ill he had to go into the hospital. Then, he needed a private room because of the nature of the illness (I don’t know all the details), and started racking up bills of $5000 per month (at today’s exchange rates) beyond his insurance coverage. His family asked the hospital to allow him to continue treatment at home.</p>

<p>After a few months at home, the old man weighed only 80-some-odd pounds and was in continual pain. He asked his doctor “for relief” and said he wanted to “go peacefully”. His family objected, but he convinced them that to force him to live would force him to suffer longer. He prepared himself [as my friend described it: he had his beard shaved; was given a bath; and put on new underwear and pajamas]. The doctor administered some sort of anesthesia and said it would keep him comfortable for a week. The old man “was so weak that he went to heaven that night”, as my friend described it.</p>

<p>TL;DR: If I don’t keel over in the garden (or die while napping in the sunshine like my husband’s grandmother did), I want to be able to say “Enough is enough! Love you! See you later! Bye now!”</p>

<p>We’re in the midst of dying parent now; I can hardly write about it. Please folks, do your kids a favor and no matter how much you think it is a burden on them, move close by. If they offer you a room in their home don’t turn it down. Because if you stay in your retirement condo then when you become ill they will have to run back and forth to you because they love you. We are running back and forth from New England to Florida. The other side of the coin.</p>

<p>We all want to keel over but these days you’re just not allowed to do so.</p>

<p>H wants to die like Nelson Rockefeller supposedly did - in the act. Yeah, thanks honey! Leave me to deal with it!</p>

<p>Hug check, I am sorry for your situation and wish you all peace.</p>