Aging Parents living with children

<p>Hugcheck, So sorry . You make a very good point. My mom was 8 hours away-many trips back and forth over the last few years. My sister lived with her and bore more of the day to day stuff but the trips back and forth take a toll. MIL is now in hospice care and refused to move toward any of her children-all are at least 5 hours away from her so continue to make the trips back and forth. This has also made me aware that we need to keep an open mind about moving closer to one of our children down the line if that would make it easier for them. All of this is so hard.</p>

<p>I am so grateful my dad has moved within a few minutes of my house. The trips although not long required days off from work and weekends spent taking care of things. When he had occasional hospital stays it was out of control. I see him everyday and although it takes alot of time out of the day he is here, and I can go back and forth during the day. </p>

<p>I too hope that when the time comes I will just go peacefully without the need for my kids to become involved. I just couldn’t imagine this scenario repeating itself when my time comes. Once this much care is needed I know I would rather not need it.</p>

<p>Hugcheck, that is what we are dealing with with my FIL too. Only 2 hours away, but when you work full time, and have teens, it might as well be 10 hours away. </p>

<p>My very favorite “how they died” story actually came from my FIL. One of his neighbors was a very active 88 year old widow. Lived by herself, did all of her own yard work and liked doing it. One day her neighbor came home, and found her riding in circles on her riding lawn mower, gone. She had been there for a few hours. To me, to be able to get up in the morning, think “wow, what a nice day to mow the lawn”, pull my mower out, and never get off…that is the way to go! No warning, no inconvenience, no trouble.</p>

<p>vlines- almost Weekend with Bernie style!</p>

<p>PG- we know of a family member who did that, the part that cracks me up is that the wife told people, I guess it was probably so shocking she could not help it and only told one or two family members, but they could not contain the story.</p>

<p>I have thought about the aging process and dying process a great deal. We have one older generation relative who had a terminal diagnosis for several years and ‘care’ was really not that bad. More time was required as things progressed, but since they moved near family, it was doable. Only the last month was a real time suck, and scary in that way in that no one expected him to go as quickly as he did, so everyone thought they were in for 3-6 months of that level of involvement.</p>

<p>There is another older person who has been wheelchair bound for years and is not all there, short term memory loss, semi-incontinent, etc. I wonder when a person wishes they no longer were sticking around. This person is seemingly content with their lot in life, watching old TV shows all day and having some one bath & toilet them. But in my book, it would be rough, really rough.</p>

<p>I agree with everyone else, if you expect and want help, move by your kids.</p>

<p>My parents are not moving in with my wife and me.</p>

<p>Not going to happen.</p>

<p>They live about an hour away in a very nice retirement area. They live in a single story house. They thought they were going to live there the rest of their lives. The problem is their health is starting to fail.</p>

<p>They don’t want to give up driving, but they should. My mom barely walks. My brother and I told them to consider giving up driving…move closer to us…or have help come over to their place. For example, Safeway, the grocery chain, now delivers. </p>

<p>Today…my folks are visiting an assisted living place that is only a few miles from my brother and me. We’ll see how they like it, and if the assisted living place likes them. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>And those assisted living places are costly.</p>

<p>dstark…with assisted living they will only provide care to a certian point. Make sure that you have a plan in place for the next level of care, skilled nursing. The assisted living facililties will not always tell clients that there is a time when their care will be to intensive for them as well.</p>

<p>The hardest aspect of care is taking care of someone who has dementia of any type. When my in law came to live with us I thought I had a death sentence myself. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Being up at night because of the wondering and bathroom visits, finding a grown man walking around naked (hard for even my eyes, my poor kids endured this) the anger, hostility and overall care that brought no joy because it was so difficult. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I ever do that again even for my dear old dad, whose only major flaw is that he is cheap.</p>

<p>For those contemplating caring for a parent with dementia in the home…build a small addition if you don’t have a large spacious house and hire some care because it is a 24 hour commitment to keep a person safe and well cared for. The other thing is to consider the impact on the children who are living in the home. If there was one aspect of raising my kids where I think I might have checked out of reality for a while it was when I agreed to take care of my father in law at home. Looking back I don’t regret that we did it but I do regret that my kids last memories of their grandfather were of living with a man who was so difficult and childlike.</p>

<p>I really question why so many people view living to a ripe old age as great…I have yet to see too many benefits. Your spouse has died, your friends are dead, you are not working, you have mobility issues, bladder issues, heart, lung, or other serious medical issues requiring multiple excursions to visit the doctor (excursions because it reaches the point where it seems that they enjoy these doctor visits as entertainment). It would be nice if we could all go peacefully when old age becomes sad and lonely. It is hard to watch once vibrant parents become like this.</p>

<p>Dstark…if you think assisted living is expensive the step up care that includes bathing, feeding, and med dispensal is outrageous.</p>

<p>You’re right vlines…</p>

<p>The one my parents are looking at has different levels including nursing care at the end.</p>

<p>However…I wonder how worth it these places are. Maybe it is better to wait until the care is actually needed. If an assisted living place costs 50,000 a year…and nursing care costs 75,000…maybe it is better to just wait and stay home.</p>

<p>Aegis…is a brand assisted living place…costs about 75,000 a year.
If a person can stay home for 3 years…and save 50 to 75000 a year…and then go to an assisted living or nursing home…the savings are considerable.</p>

<p>I guess piece of mind is important. companionship is important…but those assisted living places aren’t free.</p>

<p>“Dstark…if you think assisted living is expensive the step up care that includes bathing, feeding, and med dispensal is outrageous.”</p>

<p>Yes…not looking forward to this.</p>

<p>And I am worried about dementia too.</p>

<p>The other thing to prepare for when an aging or sick family member moves in with you is the likelyhood of them dying at home. That experience can be a good one or bad one, depending on the circumstances. If you have small children in the home, it is something that you have to prepare for. When my FIL started spending longer periods of time with us (a few weeks 3-4 times a year), we had a discussion with my young teen son about grandpa’s age, and that it was a possibility he could come home and find grandpa not breathing. We discussed what he should do, and how he should handle it. We hold our breath that he is not the one to find grandpa…even at 17 it can be pretty traumatic. But feel like we have at least given him the opportunity to process the idea of it happening, and he has the idea of what to do if he is the only one here and it happens.</p>

<p>dstark, You are lucky your parents are considering this on their own. My parents insist on staying at home. My mother has Lewy Body Dementia, which is like Alzheimer’s with Parkinson’s. She falls, even with a walker, and the dementia component makes her increasingly irrational and difficult to be around. My father has congestive heart failure and doesn’t always remember his meds. They have a CNA in the house, originally it was full-time, now it is half-time. I have been paying for it out of their account; if they knew what it was costing they’d both have heart attacks. (My mother originally agreed to this as a way to alleviate the stress knowing the cost would cause; now she says she wants to know.) They could be in a nice nursing home, close to me, for the same amount of money. They would have someone nearby if they fell and someone to remind them to take their pills. They would not have to worry about getting the driveway shoveled or the lawn mowed. I completely understand why they want to stay in the house. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get to have what we want. I think the only thing that is going to get them to see the light is another major crisis (hip fracture, heart attack).</p>

<p>1moremom, i am sorry to read what your parents are going through.</p>

<p>Uhhhh…visiting the assisted living place…is not really my parents idea. :)</p>

<p>I think they will probably end up in a similar situation as your parents. Helpers or nurses coming to their house.</p>

<p>I guess I will know a little more this afternoon.</p>

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<p>My father’s situation is like this. He has a kind of dementia that is making him increasingly passive. He seems fairly content to spend his days sitting in a chair and watching TV. He is completely incontinent and needs a lot of help from my mother. I’m sure he never imagined he would end up this way. The real issue is how long my mother can take care of him. He falls often and can no longer get out of bed on his own.</p>

<p>I volunteer in a nice, well-run nursing home. The residents who are happiest are the ones who have accepted that they need care and cannot live on their own anymore, are mostly lucid, have made friends in the nursing home, and take advantage of the recreational opportunities. It’s the people with more advanced dementia who are often very unhappy because they are confused and frightened – they have no idea where they are and they keep asking to go home. The saddest are the very elderly ladies crying for their mothers. It is heartbreaking.</p>

<p>My friend had her parents come for a “vacation stay” at a great local assisted living place. The vacation just didn’t end until her dad died and mom required serious attention. They could afford to keep the house, but neither parent could travel back there. As their awareness diminished, they came to see the apt as home. Not perfect, but the closest kid had been a 10-hour drive.</p>

<p>My grandmother had been in asst living and loved it. My mom spent about 6 weeks total in two nursing homes this year, after two major operations- and though she hates the idea of losing her independence, she was struck by the attention, services and kindness. (She paid nothing, medicare and supplemental took care of it all- so, at the right age, everyone should look into supplemental.) I was very impressed.</p>

<p>dstark, of course, what could I have been thinking? But at least they are willing to look. </p>

<p>I would be happy with the helpers at home, but my parents are unwilling to have someone in the house round the clock (or have a beeper) and I am worried for their safety. Every morning when it’s time for the CNA to arrive I expect the call saying that one had fallen during the night, the other couldn’t get them up, but it wasn’t an emergency so they didn’t want to call (or pay) the EMTs.</p>

<p>Just got a call from one of our helpers; she is leaving the agency. We are almost back to where we were a month ago and I will probably back on I-80 in the next few days.</p>

<p>1moremom…yeah…that sucks…</p>

<p>so you live in the east bay?</p>

<p>My folks are checking out Villa Marin in San Rafael as I write this.</p>

<p>Simpkin and lookingforward…I like your posts…interesting.</p>

<p>No, I am at the other end of I-80 and my parents are in the Chicago area.
I hope your parents have a good visit!</p>

<p>Thanks…</p>