Agnostic & bad public school-- please help w/private school choice

Parent Cafe
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<p>We went through the exact same thing with son - except he was in an excellent school with a decent math program. Honestly, what a kid excels at when they are 10 may be totally different by the time they are 15. I’ve seen many students who were straight A through 5th grade, crash and burn by high school. My own theory is once kids get to middle school a whole lot of other stuff comes into play besides being able to follow instruction and memorize. Puberty is a hard thing for many kids - peer groups often become more important than academics. The formerly self-confident kid starts to struggle under the weight of hormonal changes. Things like math, while formerly easy for a smart kid, tend to require a lot more focus and discipline in 8th grade than it did in 5th.</p>

<p>Testaduro - I’ve been through this process a few times over the years (trying to pick a daycare, switching son from public to private school). It can be a daunting task when one place doesn’t jump out at you. Here’s what I do when faced with making a decision:</p>

<p>Make a list of all the qualities and/or characteristics that are important to you. For example, science, academic rigor, social inclusion, small class size, a softer approach to religion, etc. Then rank order them in order of importance.</p>

<p>Then go through your list of schools and rate each school based on those factors using a simple scale, say 1 to 10.</p>

<p>Because of my accounting background, I tend to turn this into a a little more complex weighting system but you get the drift.</p>

<p>What you want to do is decide what is most important to you and then find the school that meets that criteria the best. Things like uniforms, while being a data point, aren’t generally all that important in the grand scheme of things but academic rigor or the availability of ECs might be. So don’t worry about the uniforms. The point is don’t get bogged down in the things that aren’t all that critical to you. </p>

<p>One last thing, IMHO, you probably won’t find a place that has every single thing you envision for your son. In a perfect world, you might. If you lived in a city with a ton of school choices, you might but the reality is, when the school choices are limited you often can’t get the entire package. Your best bet is to decide what are the deal-breakers and then whittle it down to the schools that best meet the most important needs. I also found that talking to parents with kids at the school was a real eye-opener and is what ultimately led to our final decision when we switched from public to private. I agonized and agonized over the decision and one day, while out shopping I heard a lady mention her kids attended the school that was at the top of my list, so I started to ask her questions about it. We ended talking for a hour and I ended being convinced that the school would be a good fit for our son. It was and he spent 11 years there. Sure, there were things we didn’t love about it but he got an excellent education. The few people there who were unhappy tended to be people who nit-picked over every little thing that didn’t go their child’s way.</p>

<p>Good luck. You are obviously putting a lot of thought into this process. The answer will eventually come to you.</p>

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<p>My advice, having read everything: start him at the Waldorf school and continue to pursue the secular private option. If he gets in, and if they are willing to give you the required discount, and if it would appear to be a better fit, then he can transfer and it will still be the beginning of the academic year.</p>

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<p>If it was my son the last place I would put him is the public school. You already know it is not going to meet his needs. Plus middle school is painful for almost everyone. I had 1 kid go public for middle school and 2 private. Even with the public being a great academic school I would not trade it for the experiences my other two had at an alternative private school. For my younger 2 Middle school was a time for them to become comfortable with themselves. To realize we all have gifts and for some of us it is not academic. My kids school was not as “out there” as Waldorf but I think for the right kid Waldorf would be a wonderful place.
Parents who put their children in a place like Waldorf are going to be more open minded and willing to acknowledge that we all don’t think alike. I would also bet they are a tolerant group. My one concern about Waldorf is how many students are starting out in 6th grade. Waldorf for an unstructured school does follow certain guidelines. Will someone starting out have a hard time figuring out the ropes. My kids Middle school shared a campus with a Waldorf school. My kids school was untraditional but the Waldorf even more so. The kids carried lunch in baskets and they had the most beautiful garden.
I also would not discount the Jewish school. They are willing to take a non jewish child. That to me speaks a lot about their willingness to be openminded and welcoming. It is not like this is an orthodox school. If they are willing to take him I would not be overly concerned about the Hebrew. Also Jews are usually willing to acknowledge learning differences and be willing to work with your son. I don’t see many cons aside from him wanting a bar mitzvah. Also Jews would be supporting of the arts while also providing good strong academics.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read this whole thread, but my kids went to a low performing middle school with less than 50% passing end of course work. I know every child is different and you have to decide what is best for them, but my kids did will. S is going to a top 5 flagship public and D was val, NMS, and is at an elite LAC. They claim that bullying did not happen.</p>

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<p>Testaduro, it sounds as if your son’s strongest interests and talents right now are things that aren’t taught as academic subjects in middle school–he’s great at gymnastics and dance, and has excellent spatial skills. I wonder–esp. since it’s so close to the beginning of school–if it would be best to leave him where he is for the year and think about supplementing his life not via private school but via specialized summer camps and enrichment activities. We did this for our son when he was a physically small, geeky, friendly-but-awkward kid who was the victim of some pretty severe bullying and ostracization. He attended the Center for Talented Youth summer programs starting the summer after 7th grade and just loved them: they were full of kids just like him. We didn’t really care about the academic content–just appreciated the fact that his social confidence soared there–although now that he’s college age, it turns out that he’s learned enough science, math, and computer science to accelerate into upper-level courses.</p>

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<p>“They are willing to take a non jewish child. That to me speaks a lot about their willingness to be openminded and welcoming.”</p>

<p>Not only that – they’re willing to give him a substantial scholarship that could go to a Jewish family. At least at the top levels, they sound pretty inclusive.</p>

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<p>Sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and that you’re putting a lot of careful thought into this decision, which will no doubt benefit your son in the long run. I just wanted to second the idea of gifted-ness: to me a lot of the qualities you describe (not just the spatial abilities, but the perfectionism) are hallmarks of gifted kids.
I too would run not walk from any school that teaches creationism. Especially if your s is a science-y kid (as he seems to be).
Good luck.</p>

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<p>As far as the Jewish school goes, I think it is without question that they would be accepting of this non-Jewish boy. I don’t think that will be of issue at all. </p>

<p>If it were me, however, what would be of issue is having my child who is not of the religion that the school follows, having to partake daily in studies, prayers, rituals, celebrations, as well as learn a language he would not use outside the religious activities all for a religion that is not our own. Going to school with kids of another religion would be no problem for me (my own Jewish kids were one of the only ones at their schools from nursery through 12th grade). And I am also into exposure to other religions. But I would not be into my kid doing worship activities daily, and partaking in all the rituals and studies for that religion that was not our own. And for the OP’s kid, I think learning Hebrew is not a good use of his time as the mom has said he is challenged some by written language (reading and writing), and to add Hebrew is not really in his best interests. If he were to add another language, it would make more sense for it to be French or Spanish. I also think that 7th grade, when many in the class will be prepping for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs will be a weird feeling of being different and out of the loop. That would be secondary to the other aspects I mentioned but just adds to it. But the student being welcomed with open arms is genuine. But for me, I would never want my kid spending hours each day in studying and worshiping another religion that is not our own. We all feel differently about this.</p>

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<p>As veterans for the private and public schools sectors please be aware to the friend “problem”. That is that some schools pull from a wide area. And you can be VERY stuck drive a long time for play dates. In one school kids lived as far away as a hour from each other. That was a hassle for all, and a limitations on friendships.</p>

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<p>I am curious. What school did you decide on?</p>

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<p>A final decision has not been made yet. I promise that I will come back and let everyone know what happened. This week, I had my son “shadow” at some schools, and just visit others. “Just in case”, I informed the public school to get stuff together for my son to work on at home over the weekend during this process.</p>

<p>We blew off the Catholic school that we had previously visited entirely. I was reluctant because I know that the education would be good, but I didn’t like the way that the principal made me feel, and even my son said that she was rude. I also am not comfortable that 2 Catholic schools that I called had priests that focused on my son making his communion and being heavily involved with the church. I have not lied when directly asked my religious background, it seems unavoidable that I will be pushed about returning to Catholicism, and I do not want to pretend that I will just to keep peace at a school. I may still try to get in and see a different Catholic school before this is over, but it cannot be that one.</p>

<p>My son shadowed for full days at the Jewish and Lutheran schools. He visited the Waldorf school for a tour. So far, I am feeling a very strong preference for one of these schools. My son is also expressing a strong desire to attend the same school. But he still has an appointment on Monday to see the “secular” school. I will post more later today/this weekend about my impressions of the schools.</p>

<p>Yesterday he gave me a little folded up note that said “I love you”. I just want to cry. He’s still such an innocent, loving, and trusting little boy. Neither of us are ready for this “middle school” business. This is so hard. Whatever I decide could change him in some way. I so want to make the right decision…</p>

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<p>Good luck with the decision and do come back to let us know. I’m not sure if your son could tell enough by attending classes for one day at each school. I think if you list your selection criteria and for each school, and then note how each school does or doesn’t meet that criteria, you will have a handy comparison that may make it clearer for you. As school has already started, not sure how much longer you can put off such a decision and still allow your son to get off to a good start with new peers and class routines. I don’t think you will harm him if a school is not perfect in every which way. He’ll be OK. And if you don’t love the school, work with the school to accommodate as much as possible and you can always transfer next fall when you have more TIME to be weighing options and the school year isn’t already underway. Good luck.</p>

<p>By the way, we didn’t really like our middle school (but the only option where we live) and our kids survived and are totally fine. We worked with the school to try to meet their needs and created some accommodations. So, while a right school is nice, it is not so terrible if the school is not ideal and then you just have to work with the school and advocate for your kid.</p>

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<p>How confusing- I know how hard it can be, when the local public school suggested I find another school for my oldest for kindergarten ( cause she was a strong reader before entrance), I didn’t know what to do.</p>

<p>We have a lot of choices, living in an urban area, but I had not considered private schools.
Luckily, for that K year, we were able to find a co-op 5s program that wasn’t intimidated by early readers, in fact they were able to accommodate all kinds of learning styles- however it was just for one year.:(</p>

<p>During that year, we looked at a ton of public and private schools, but my head was swimming with the choices and they were all so different I didn’t know what to think.
I finally just asked my D which one appealed to her the most and after I spoke extensively to one of the current parents, she applied and was accepted with a great deal of financial aid. ( I had no idea how competitive it was at the time- all this was way out of my league)</p>

<p>I never 2nd guessed that decision, although in subsequent years, we did attempt to get her into certain local public schools, because even though we received aid, it was still difficult.</p>

<p>I think it helped a great deal , that part of the application process, involved 3-4 hour visit for her at the school that gave her a chance to really see if she could fit in.
Public schools often are not so accommodating or interested in that, but while my D @ 5 yrs old, had just a couple friends that were easy to arrange playdates with, whereever they went to school, but I would imagine that a middle schooler, is much more tied to his friends & it would be more important to attend with those who have similar interests & background.</p>

<p>I also agree with soozievt that waiting much longer to make a decision is going to impact the rest of his stay in the school he decides on. Since he just didn’t move into the area, there isn’t really much logical reason to still be deciding on a school heading toward the middle of Sept.</p>

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<p>Keep in mind that you are worried that the school you pick will change your son in some way…but by the same token, he may be challenged by starting school over a week late and missing all the important instructions and routines that a teacher lays out the first week, some assignments (he’ll be behind), and some bonding that starts with peers on the initial days of school. Why invite difficulty when you say you want to avoid difficulty? This would be difficult for any kid to do…starting school a week or more late.</p>

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<p>Sometimes too many choices can be a bad thing. Hard to weigh all the pros/cons of each choice without it becoming a bit crazy-making.</p>

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<p>How much of the decision to switch schools is based on your fear rather than your son’s fear?
Does he have a history of being picked on? Does he have a history of not fitting in with the kids in his public school?</p>

<p>I suppose you could try to step back and let your son take the lead. Don’t send him vibes that the public school will be a scary place. Don’t sent him vibes that one school is better than the other. Try to take your emotions (regarding religion, fear of being picked on, etc.) and leave them out of the equation. </p>

<p>Why not give your local public middle school a chance? He can keep up with his music via private lessons outside of school (if he’s not able to continue with music in the public school).
Supplement his public school education with outside sources—summer camps specializing in his interests, dance, music, trips to museums, etc. If he excels academically at his public middle school, he’ll most likely be “tracked” into the more rigorous curriculum (AP’s and Honor’s classes) at the high school level.</p>

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<p>NYSmile, I happen to agree with you. Where we live, we don’t even have choices of schools and people survive. One can advocate at school and also supplement after school, weekends and summers with enrichment activities. </p>

<p>I am not clear if the OP’s son is unhappy in public school. He did say he was happy to attend the middle school. If my kid was content, that would suffice, and if something wasn’t going well or his needs were not being met, I’d be meeting with the school to solve that. </p>

<p>I also would be against attending a religious school that was not of my OWN religion or if I was agnostic. And so if the public school truly is not going to be an option, that would leave the Waldorf school and the secular private school. But I would enroll my kid pronto some place given that school has begun. I would weigh criteria and it would not be so much based on his attending one day of classes which just would not reveal enough. I would see how each school met what I wanted in a school, if I had a choice (we didn’t have a choice, but did for college of course). Besides one day of classes, talk to faculty about issues that matter to you, and have you and your son talk to families who attend that school. But move ahead. Your son will not be harmed by a school and he can always switch schools if necessary a year from now. Many families and kids make do just fine when they have NO choices of schools for K-12 and your son will be fine too.</p>

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<p>We operated with the belief that familiarity counts for a lot.</p>

<p>Once older D for instance began at her 6-12 school, we made the most of it. It was very small ( her graduating class was 18), and over time a few of her friends chose to change schools, but I really didn’t want to go through that again & while some places might seem shinier or more appealing, unless they have obvious red flags ( like creation science), they ALL have their problems- but the more familiar you are, the easier it will be to compensate for the shortcomings and enjoy the strengths.</p>

<p>In short- make a decision & stick with it. ( kinda like marriage- but middle school is only three years- so how bad could it be?)</p>

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<p>Sooz, I’m with you on the religion aspect. I don’t think it’s wise to place him in a Jewish school where the other kids have been all ready been exposed to Hebrew (written and spoken) for years. He will be an outsider. </p>

<p>Public school may be a good option to start out the year. The OP hasn’t expressed anything that hints of the son being fearful or unhappy at the public school. I wonder how much of the OP’s worry is based on her own past experiences. The public school may also provide a more varied student body which will give her son more options in terms of finding friends.
He’ll find artsy kids, athletic kids, smart kids, science kids, etc. in the public school. </p>

<p>I hope a decision is made soon. My vote is for giving the public school a chance. He’s a bright kid, but it’s important to remember that he won’t be the only bright kid in his class even if he does attend the public school. Why not let him give the public school a try?</p>

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<p>I just want to assure you that YOU will have more influence over your son than any school he may choose. Try not to let this stress you out!!</p>