Agony - Daughter thinking about dropping out of college to be with boyfriend abroad

Parents Forum
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<p>Pizza Girl, The core of this thread is based on the fact that this 19 year old college sophomore is in love with a 16 year old boy (whom she fell in love with when he was 15 1/2 years old). Sure, many high school kids are having sex. However, do you really think it’s right for a 16 year old high school boy to be having sex with this college sophomore in her parent’s house and with her parent’s blessing? As the parent of sons, I would be ****ed if I let my 16 year old son visit a friend in another country and the parent’s of the person he was visiting enabled him to spend his weekend sexing up a college sophomore girl. </p>

<p>This family needs to figure out why daughter becomes fixated on young boys as her love interests rather than peers closer to her age and educational level. Based on previous posts, this is not the first time she has set her eyes on younger boys rather than peers. </p>

<p>It’s as if the OP is talking about a young teenage girl rather than a college aged adult. Is this Harvard student really this emotionally/socially backwards? Honestly, isn’t it time to have a professional address her emotional/social immaturity?</p>

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<p>but I’m ok with the polite fiction that a college-aged couple gets two separate rooms and mom/dad don’t have to see them in bed together.</p>

<p>How about if only one of the couple is college aged?</p>

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<p>Oh, well, scratch what I said. Nester’s point is well taken and I had forgotten about the college / high school age difference.</p>

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<p>Regardless, if she expects to have sex during December break:</p>

<p>she has got to get an appt NOW or she may not have 30 days on it, depending on her dates. Hope this isn’t another comment OP ignores.</p>

<p>Btw, I am not sure I would have let him visit. Too many things wrong with this picture. Nothing good- except satisfying a dau, which, under all the circumstances described, I wouldn’t be in such a rush to do. Oh, and maybe getting the kid his first visit to the US.</p>

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<p>To my mind, it is an extremely bad idea for a parent to facilitate a child’s somewhat bad decisions in the hope the child then won’t make even worse decisions or (God forbid) get mad at the parents.</p>

<p>If the OP thought it was a swell idea for a 19 year old to bring a 16 year old across the ocean to have sex in the OP’s house over Christmas, and was merrily acquiring birth control for the 19 year old to use with the 16 year old with no qualms, I admit that I’d have some negative and judgmental feelings about it. (In my state, mandated reporters would be required to make a child abuse report if they heard of such a thing.) But the OP thinks it’s a bad idea. She doesn’t like it one bit. Nevertheless, she’s going along with it to placate her daughter. </p>

<p>Now the daughter is threatening to move to Sweden to be with the 16 year old – a plan opposed by his parents, who should have the final say given that the boy is 16, probably has two more years of high school, and is not an adult. Unless the OP’s daughter is independently wealthy, this should not be a concern for the OP as there’s no way the daughter could pull off moving to an EU country with no work permit or visible means of support. Is the OP willing to help subsidize her daughter’s taking off for Europe to hang around a minor whose parents don’t want her there? It would seem so, or there would be no issue.</p>

<p>I just want to say to the OP, go with your gut. You don’t like any of this, so don’t go along with it. Don’t act as if it’s OK with you when it isn’t, stop agonizing, and don’t pay for it. Your daughter will still love you and like you and respect you, and will have the benefit of having seen you model limit-setting that is consonant with your beliefs, and not rolling over. </p>

<p>And the reason I feel OK about being so directive is the issue of the 16 year old, who is being brought to the US with the assistance of the OP with a plan that would result in criminal conviction of the OP’s daughter and the OP in many states.</p>

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<p>The things I learn on CC.
I didn’t know there were many states where a 19 year old could be arrested for having sex with a 16 year old so I looked it up to see where that would be true. I see there are a lot of states where the age of consent is over 16.
[Ages</a> of consent in North America - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“Ages of consent in North America - Wikipedia”>Ages of consent in North America - Wikipedia)</p>

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<p>Speaking of Dear Abby…does anyone else remember (many years ago) that she often received letters from Yale students who were trying to see if they would publish their outlandish, fictional problems? Does anyone else here sense an “incoming from New Haven” theme here? (Just skimmed the thread, so maybe that has already been touched on)</p>

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<p>I never noticed that the punctuation was off until someone pointed it out. Not that it matters. Makes me feel unobservant.</p>

<p>Somehow this story seems to have the ring of truth (crazy as it is), but who knows?</p>

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<p>fauxmaven has been telling us about her daughter’s friend in Sweden for a long time. She’s posted about issues related to her Harvard 2014 daughter since before daughter moved into freshman dorm room a year and a half ago.</p>

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<p>I have been reading this with interest over the last week.</p>

<p>I think NYSmile has it correct. </p>

<p>There is a world of difference between a teenage boy in HS and a college sophmore. I can’t help but wonder if there is a past history of sexual abuse for the daughter? It does seem an odd choice for a mate, and certainly not something a healthy college student would pursue. </p>

<p>The real question to ask FAUXMAVEN is why are you willingly abducating your parental responsibilities?</p>

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<p>So many personal details have been provided that the girl is probably easily identifiable to many at her college. I find that the most troubling aspect of this discussion.</p>

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<p>I said this earlier in the thread … when I was a senior in high school my first girlfriend was a sophomore … and she was definitely “older” than I was … I did not have emotional issues or problems that needed to be addresses professionally … I was just emotionally young for my age and she was emotionally mature for her age … we were a great couple.</p>

<p>When I starting coaching one of the best pieces of advice I got was to realize there is a wide variation in the development/maturity of the kids I would be coaching … that, in general, the maturity of the kids I would be coaching would the grade I was coaching +/- 2 years. If I was coaching 8 year olds some of them might be effectively as young as 6 on some dimensions and some might be as old as 10 on some dimensions … and that one player might be advanced on some and slower or others. While this advice was given to me in relation to sports I believe it holds in many life situations.</p>

<p>As an 18-19 year old I was very mature for my age intellectually and strong resisting peer pressure … and, at the same time, I was very young socially … and I was far from usual when I met my engineering freshman cohort group at Cornell. Did we all need group therapy? I think not, a lot of us were a bunch of smart slightly nerdy kids who were developing slowly socially.</p>

<p>Personally, with the little we know I see know reason to think Fauxmaven’s daughter is any different.</p>

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<p>The real question to ask FAUXMAVEN is why are you willingly abducating your parental responsibilities? HOW am I abducating these responsibilities ? She met him during the summer on the farm . I had no control of those 8 weeks . I have told her I am not comfortable with them shacking up in her room while he is here . That’s why he is flying to be with her in Boston for a few days prior to coming here. She hasn’t discussed leaving school now for the last week or so . She is making an effort to push herself in getting involved in fun activities . She has taken care of bc needs at health center. I don’t feel as if I am trying to be a “friend”. I think she fell in love because he saw her at her worst ,muddy ,no make-up -her "real self " and was still interested in her . For those of you who think this is fiction , please go find another thread! For those of you who are offering useful ideas , thank you . She is under the watchful eye of the staff (the radar )and they promised they would demand she get help if they felt she needed it .</p>

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<p>faux-
for whats it worth, in my opinion you’re not abdicating parental responsibility, what you are doing is prolonging the agony. It’s very clear and obvious that this kind of a relationship isnt “real”, if only for the fact that the kid is in secondary school and lives in another country. Its not even that he is at college in another country, which is difficult enough. I think that if they were both from the same town, this would be a non-issue, especially when you consider the child is 3 years younger than your daughter. She very clearly has built up this kid in her imagination and is having a very romantic “us against the world” experience, in her mind. If you allow him to visit, is she the type of girl who will attach herself to her “first time”? If so, you’re screwed, forgive my language. This will just go on through tears of spring break and summer, on till next year. Do you really want to deal with this for that long? Call the child’s parents now and express your concerns and twist it to the situation where its they who are the bad guy. Your daughter deserves to have a real relationship with a boy her age, and intellectual ability, who is physically present for her, not with a dream she’s built up.</p>

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<p>fauxmaven, the real question I’d like to ask you is if you have any concerns about sharing so much highly personal information about your daughter here? Does she know that you post on CC? Would she be all right with you sharing details about her romantic/sexual life? (All right, that’s three questions.)</p>

<p>CC is a smaller world than many people realize. Unless you have changed identifying details, which some posters do (some more successfully than others).</p>

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<p>She HATES CC , and would never go on here . She thinks it is the stupidest thing ever ! None of the people she knows read it as well. Plus, it is in the parents section .</p>

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<p>Respectfully FM, don’t be so sure. Students get curious once in a while to see what their folks are posting. They obviously know to look in the parents section first. Mine did, and he’s not on cc either. ;)</p>

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<p>I’m trying to say this in a not unkind way, but he’s 15-16 years old. How selective do we think boy children are at that age? It’s not an age where long term relationships are typically at the forefront of their brains, if you get my meaning.</p>

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<p>Faux, I think the reason people are confused about your relationship with her, your willingness to tackle issues with her and set limits is common- you aren’t providing much feedback. And, what you have said is worrisome- you have concerns about alienating her or getting in the way of her relationship, that Dad deals better with her, etc. We learn you advocate a 3rd dance class, need to suggest to her that she find others to sit with at meals, etc, etc. On another thread, you said she felt boxed in (or somesuch) at school. You say you have issues with the bf visiting, but permit it. And, since you have acknowledged some introvertedness of your own- and the same "hang back’ tendency in your DD- some of us fear you are not tackling this head on. Recognizing how she is like you isn’t enough. You did say, you’re hoping for the best, suggesting you are waiting this thing out. Other strengths of hers (going off to Europe before, etc,) aren’t enough. </p>

<p>It’s just confusing.</p>

<p>I can think of plenty of reasons a 16 y.o. could be a decent close friendship. My first love was a teen Swede- though I was a year younger. As the years go by, plenty of women marry a bit younger. Without knowing this kid, I dont see how we can judge him. I don’t compare some Euro-boys to US boys at all. But, your DD has other flags. That, to me, is key. That’s what puts a problematic spin on this bf issue.</p>

<p>My D1 is now showing many of my traits- her attitude, how she decides about challenges, her resiliance. Still, I keep a close eye on her, to be sure my weaker traits, the ones that cause me grief, aren’t being picked up, too. That’s the mom job some of us are referring to. The thing that allows a woman with a deathly fear of water to dive in, to save her kid. Some call it Mama Bear.</p>

<p>We all feel helpless, at times. We could all give stories of times when we gave in, because our initial stand was outweighed by other considerations. But, there are times, when “gentle” can’t cut it.</p>

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<p>I think fauxmaven may be correct that her D will not be going on CC. There are kids who would never spend a minute on this site. That said, some of the speculation of OP’s D on this thread by posters other than OP bother me. TMS, too much speculation, whether D ever sees it or not. Would make me think twice before ever posting a problem on here.</p>