<p>I knew an undergrad at Harvard who was 35. When she was 19 or 20, she took a leave to work with Ralph Nader and got caught up with other things and didn’t come back for 15 years. But she eventually did come back and was living in a house and having the whole undergrad experience. Professors found her intriguing and treated her like the mature adult that she was–so while her experience at Harvard wasn’t typical, it was definitely meaningful and worthwhile. And Harvard let her return, even after all that time.</p>
<p>anothermom2…maybe that is part of the problem…everyone thinks harvard is the end all be all…everyone should love it… maybe her expections arent meeting the reality…and that is why she is unhappy. maybe she cant make lemonade from her lemons… only sees the negative aspect of not what she thought it was going to be. Let it go and accept what it is.</p>
<p>JHS: or me and lookingforward who is proud of not letting her daughter use a family car to visit her boyfriend</p>
<p>Don’t underestimate the conversations we had about this. Don’t assume. When I wrote, “know what’s going on,” I didn’t mean it snarky, Dr Laura-ish. I meant, courtesy of my and DH’s college experiences and a generous amount of openness from our girls, we do know what’s going on. We are not freaked. Nor are we indulgent.</p>
<p>I said I didn’t want our funds to “promote” or “underwrite.” I didn’t even get to whether we let her go on her own nickel. Identical stand as many parents here.</p>
<p>JHS, my question back is: what would you do if your 19 y.o. asked for your car/ money to visit a new bf, with no other plans than “hanging out” in his campus apt? “Here are the keys, honey, have a blast?”</p>
<p>Btw, part of my answer to D2 as, “invite him here. He can stay on the pull-out sofa.” (We live in a fun area.) I don’t want to hijack, but if you want more details, ask.</p>
<p>To some kids, perhaps OP’s dau, perhaps not, paying for some idea is accepting it or endorsing it. That can be, as someone said, a mixed message. Especially when it involves dropping out or heading to another country without a plan in place.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree that it’s an option to talk a leave of absence. That is taking the mindset that Harvard is the only worthwhile school out there. If she needs a break in general so be it, but I suspect that this may just not be a good fit (based on the OPs description here and on other threads) and because we are talking about Harvard no one wants to breath transfer. Let’s face it, if we were talking about Big State U transferring would have been tossed out there as a very early option.</p>
<p>If the OP’s daughter is having trouble adjusting to college life, making friends, etc. then maybe she isn’t ready for college. It doesn’t matter whether said college is Harvard or Pasadena City College, some kids aren’t ready at 17-18. A gap year or two may be a very good idea. I think the issue here is whether that gap year should be spent in Sweden with a 16-17 year-old boyfriend. I just think that someone having trouble adjusting, making friends, finding vegan food, etc is going to find all of those things much harder to do in one of the most expensive places in the world. </p>
<p>I worked really hard to save the money for my D’s college education. If she needed a year off to figure things out, I would be the first to understand that, because I was in the same boat myself once. She could get a job, or take a few classes at the community college, or volunteer somewhere, whatever she needed to do while she figured things out. But I wouldn’t give her the money to go to Europe to be with a boyfriend. If she wanted to quit school and earn the money herself, then good luck to her, I wouldn’t try to stop her. Steve Jobs, everyone’s favorite drop-out, quit school, took some calligraphy classes, and went to India. It worked for him. But how many of us turn out like Steve Jobs?</p>
<p>Also, I think the moms on this forum tend to say they wouldn’t pay to send their daughters because it’s the girl who has the most to lose here. Basically, she could get pregnant. I don’t think any of us want our kids to become teen moms with a 16/17-year-old father. All birth control methods have a failure rate. Also, she’s the one wanting to go halfway across the world to be with this boy. Who knows what his feelings are? If she gets dumped, she will be even more alone. There’s a lot at stake here emotionally.</p>
<p>Gotta say…I think finding vegan food at Harvard is probably easier than at many colleges. And Boston is a huge college town. If you can’t “adjust” to college there with so many options, maybe a year off is a good choice.</p>
<p>Please do not PM me with any responses…I would prefer to discuss this front channel.</p>
<p>I havent read the OPs other posts, but from this thread it sounds like the daughter is very studious and interesting (sustainable farms, went to sweden on a grant b/c of a farm research project etc) .
Dont you think the problem of adjustment is because the girl, to use an old fashioned term, lovesick? Nothing will be right unless the boy will be there with her. Till it blows over. Time to use that feminist card - education before everything else. And then the Barbara Cartland one - if it loves you, it will come back to you etc.</p>
<p>You told me already not to PM . I get it ! There was no mistake in D getting into H . She deserves to be there . She is one of the younger in her class . She has never had a boyfriend , and I think she is lovesick . . She has a lot of anxiety about the world . I have suggested talking to a professional to get a handle on what’s bugging her , but she isn’t ready yet .</p>
<p>Just FYI…<em>I</em> never said that the daughter in this thread was at Harvard by mistake. That was someone else. What I DID say…Harvard has tons of things to do…and in addition many things going on in Boston as well.</p>
<p>I agree with you Faux, that you made a good suggestion to your daughter to talk to someone. I think she needs to do that BEFORE she makes any plans to go abroad again. Just my opinion. </p>
<p>Young love can really have an impact on young people. But they also need to learn how to handle those relationships, especially long distance ones.</p>
<p>Ok, time to play shrink here.
Faux, your D seems to be living a life that does not fit with “harvard” and what all that entails…
She is interested in Sweden, not America- is she running away from all this?
SHe is consorting with a younger boy- is she avoiding growing up?
She is interested in the country, agriculture- is there much of that in Boston?
She is joining and most enjoying a type of class/activity NOT offered at her school- again OFF campus!
She is unable to nourish herself with the food offered on this campus…
She is still quite connected to both of her parents, communicating daily.
She is not making friends at this college.</p>
<p>With so very little info, my very simplistic diagnosis is that she is feeling unready for the college experience, at least at this particular school, and finds not a thing about it to her liking at this stage of her maturity.
She is going from her strong bond with you to another one with a younger peer as far from all this as one could imagine.</p>
<p>Please do not be insulted by this. It is my very superficial analysis.</p>
<p>Lots of people have trouble adjusting to college. Just look at some of the threads on the subject. Give her time to settle in to the school and new surroundings.</p>
<p>Faux <big hugs=""> to you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It was just 6 short months ago I started a thread that received many hits and many comments. I’m sure many of the posters that are leaving comments for you also left them on the thread that I started. I also felt as if I was in turmoil and my world was turned upside down. Just know that most of us on here are thinking of you and can almost feel your pain. <3 </big></p><big hugs="">
<p>Two months is a long time when you’re 16/17 so hopefully this boy will find a new girl to like and he’ll lose interest in coming to visit. </p>
<p>I also want to add that I’ve received several private messages over the past month or two and I’m happy to report that my daughter just started seeing a new guy this past month. There has been no communication with the instructor since the beginning of August. I’ll be sure to keep an eye on the spring academic schedule with hopes that I won’t be seeing his name! :)</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to hijack this thread so I hope that everyone can please stay with this topic. </p>
<p>FYI - This is a girl who went to sleep away camp at age 7 because she insisted she was ready . It was fine . She wanted to immerse herself in Spanish in a way that wouldn’t cost 3k for a month , so at 15 she flew alone to a relative of her Spanish teacher in Spain to visit for 1 month and babysit . She isn’t homesick , but something is off . She is enjoying the courses . My H will not want to support the idea of leaving school , and the young man’s folks do not want her to visit during school session . I have my fingers crossed that something positive will happen to make her more connected at school . She will be home for Thanksgiving . I can’t wait ! I saw her last weekend as well .</p>
<p>Sound like she has done and enjoyed lots of traveling and outside of school adventures. Maybe she is just “school” burned out and is looking for an escape. She seems to like the foreign lifestyle and all.</p>
<p>Sorry fauxmaven but I can’t stand it anymore and need to know. Why do you put a space before your punctuation marks? Haven’t you noticed you’re the only poster on CC who does that and that it’s not done in any printed format in English either? I’m not trying to be rude, it’s just that it makes no sense and I’m curious as to why you do it.</p>
<p>Performersmom, as an outsider looking in, your analysis seems quite astute–a clear example of actions speaking louder than words. The OP’s D is obviously very accomplished. Could it be that she worked so diligently towards her achievements more to please others than to please herself? Now, having achieved the formidable goal of being a Harvard student, she’s finding that it isn’t what she really wants, at least not right now? Maybe she needs a break, not to run off with a Swedish child, but maybe a really interesting gap year? No matter what she decides, it seems to me that regular counseling could be useful, for the D to examine herself, explore her goals, and discover what she wants for herself. If this were my D, I would certainly NOT do anything that would encourage this infatuation with the Swedish child. If she insists upon pretending to be all grown up, she would learn the most from that if she is treated like an adult. Grown-ups are financially independent, are free make their own decisions and deal with the consequences.</p>
<p>My best guess is that the D will not insist upon this “freedom.” Deep down, I’ll bet she knows that this desire to escape from her life is a symptom of something else. What that something else is remains to be seen.</p>
I always wonder when I see people refer to getting zillions of PMs. Am I that boring?</p>