<p>How do you deal with your underage college students when it comes to alcohol in your home?</p>
<p>DS is now halfway through his junior year. We never let the kids drink at home. The rationale was (and is) that it’s illegal and a bad idea. But it’s starting to feel a bit unnatural not to offer this almost-grown young man a glass of wine with dinner (when his father and I are having one) when I KNOW that the “demon rum” has definitely crossed his lips. Like most of you, the drinking age when I was in college was 18.</p>
<p>Our boys have always seen us drink in moderation. A beer with football, a glass of wine with food. So what I’m considering is letting the 20 1/2 year old join in a bit with that.</p>
<p>One other consideration is that we have a pre-college age son, and we want to be careful about the messages we send.</p>
<p>I think every family needs to handle it in a way that is comfortable for them. With the consideration that it is illegal in most states, and therefore be prepared for the consequences.</p>
<p>My kids know that I follow the law. In spite of the fact that I don’t agree with it. I know they drank at school. But it’s illegal to serve a minor in my home so I won’t. Others see no harm in a glass of wine at dinner. But IMHO serving other’s children under any circumstances is going too far.</p>
<p>As I said in the other version of this thread (which I suspect will disappear soon), I would go right ahead and serve your son, if that is what feels right to you.</p>
<p>Personally, my parents have been letting me drink glasses of wine with dinner and the like since I was 12 (the drinking age in my province in Canada being 19). Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I make a distinction between immoral and illegal behavior; I will never do the former, but have no qualms about doing the latter, if I judge it moral.</p>
<p>While that sounds needlessly philosophical, the point that I am making is that if you think your son is mature and ready for a glass of wine with dinner, I see no good reason not to let him have it. The cops are not going to come bust down your door and arrest all of you for serving a minor underage. In fact, it may be that in your state, serving your own children in your private residence is not actually illegal (it is this way in many states, though government officials are loathe to admit it).</p>
<p>3bm103’s answer is exactly what I think: whatever is comfortable for you. You shouldn’t feel guilty if you choose to serve your son, or not. I also agree with 3bm103 somewhat that serving others’ children is not a good idea, though I have been to many parties where I have been offered alcohol (a lass of wine, whatever) with my parents knowledge and consent by the hosts. I don’t think that’s wrong either.</p>
<p>On another note, it fascinates me the cultural fascination Americans have with alcohol and the torturous sidestepping you all do around your pretty much absurd laws. Coming from Canada, it just looks a little bit odd. ;)</p>
<p>I was raised being allowed to drink a little at family holiday parties. I recall my GM giving me port (is that still available?) when I got bad cramps. My FA felt strongly that a little exposure to alcohol over the years would minimize the temptation to go overboard with the forbidden. My parents were good role models re alcohol and drug use; their actions have clearly shaped my bx towards the younger generation. Only now that my S is 21 have I treated him to a chocolate martini and a margarita.</p>
<p>Like 3bm, I would never take the risk of serving minors in my home. I would never risk the legal consequences, and emotionally, I would be devastated if they had a car accident after drinking.</p>
<p>In our house, there is no alcohol until you are legal. It’s the law. Both DW and I regularly have a glass of wine with dinner and we do not portray alcohol as the evil elixir. However, we are straight forward that you don’t drink until you are 21. We aren’t ignorant, we know DS has been exposed plenty at college. Growing up as a child and adolescent, I have experienced personally the damage that alcoholism can have on a family. In my adolescence, alcohol was treated as a “rite of passage” with a wink here and turned head there. In my own experience, the casual attitude about alcohol was unhealthy and damaging, YMMV. As has already been stated above, you must make your own decision and do whatever you feel comfortable with.</p>
<p>Yes, it is in NJ. And we allow it for our own children. We’d rather have them do it at home when we are serving wine or something than go drinking at a party where someone might drive them home while under the influence.</p>
In other words, if the majority of citizens acting through their elected representataives create a legal standard governing behavior, you get to violate that standard because you don’t agree based on your judgement of what is moral. Thus, if you don’t like the law, you are above it. Prisons are full of people who felt the same way. It’s a funny thing – judges and juries usually seem to think all people should be equal in the eyes of the law and held to the same standard.</p>
<p>I understand it may be legal to serve your own underage child in your home. That was not my point. My point is that the legal age to drink is 21 and until they are 21, we will not serve it, nor encourage it. Once they turn 21, they can make their own decisions. I have heard the same rationale before of, “We’d rather them do it at home than go out and drink and drive . . . etc.” In my own observations, that does not work. In my own observations, those that drink at home, also drink outside the home. My neighbors had the same policy in their house and their 17 y.o. died of an deadly mix of beer, anti-depressants and adderall in their own home. I know that is an extreme situation and not representative of most families, but before you flame me too hard, I am also a big proponent of “what you do in your own home is your business and no one else’s.” It is not easy raising kids. Do what you think is right and what you are comfortable with.</p>
<p>Well, the legality is a VERY big thing for me. I don’t want to model picking and choosing laws to my kids. So I checked. In our state (Florida) it’s illegal to serve anyone under 21. Period. And especially with the younger brothers around, I don’t want to go there. </p>
<p>So we’ll stick to our current arrangement. Son hasn’t complained.</p>
<p>Basically, yeah. So, for example, I jaywalk when there’s no cars around, because I deem it moral. I drink, even though I’m underage, because I deem it moral. I smoke marijuana (though in my province in Canada it’s actually legal) because I deem it moral.</p>
<p>Morality isn’t rocket science, and your comparison between making a distinction between laws and morality and prisons full of criminals is fallacious, because those criminals generally fail to actually pick a moral path, and rather pick a path that is neither moral nor legal.</p>
<p>And I never said I was above the law. If caught, I will accept the consequences (though I may fight them within the legal framework, just like others), but I do not pretend to follow every law on the books simply it is a law. If you think I should you are making an absurd argument. The amount of pointless, flawed, outdated laws on the books is enormous - nobody follows them, because they’re stupid. I don’t follow this one, because it’s stupid. It’s really very simple.</p>
<p>What you’re saying, if I understand it correctly, is that everyone should obey every law, regardless of how unjust or stupid it is? Numerous civil rights activists who fought against segregation (for example) would disagree. Oh well, I guess it’s a matter of perspective.</p>
<p>regarding the legalities, every state is different. In both Wisconsin and Texas, in dining establishments where parents are present with their underage kids, parents can purchase alcohol for their kids. It’s not illegal. Was with my niece last weekend, who has waited tables in several states - she said that sometimes the server won’t serve the alcohol to the minor, but will place it in front of the parent, who then can serve it to their kid. Nothing illegal about it.</p>
<p>What you are missing is that what goes for you goes for everyone else. If everyone is applying his or her personal standard of morality when determing whether to comply with a law, then society has no laws. It is inevitable that your sense of morality will at some point differ with many other people’s opinions of morality. The way Americans resolves these differences is based on majority rule through their elected representatives. Every citizen has a legal duty (and I would say moral duty) to comply with the laws as written. You don’t get to pick and chose your laws. </p>
<p>
You have no unique ability to distinguish between outdated stupid laws and other laws.</p>
<p>
Either obey the law or get it changed through legal processes. Your examples of civil rights cases are irrelevant because do not deal with a person acting contrary to law – they deal with conflicts within laws. For example, if a State law requires segregation but the U.S constitution prohibits it, the person acting contrary to the state law is actually acting consistently with the US constitution, a higher law. Your pot smoking is just plain illegal conduct.</p>
<p>* it is legal to serve your own child wine or beer in your home in many states.*</p>
<p>Yes it is in our state.
However- since H is in recovery- and although I drink alcohol and use it in cooking, I didn’t feel comfortable with the concept of offering it to my kids before they were legal age.</p>
<p>My older daughter actually felt that had she been introduced to it younger in a controlled environment, would have given her a different perspective, than what she experienced in college- where it became a problem for a time, but it wasn’t something I was comfortable with at all.</p>
<p>But IMO, civilization and society is based on folks agreeing to live within the boundaries set out by that society. That’s why we have police forces as opposed to martial law. We don’t have sufficient means to deal with the consequences if, for example, everyone today decided that it was unfair that they couldn’t afford a big-screen TV, and just walked in and started taking them. </p>
<p>This is what I have tried to teach my children. And since, in Florida, it’s still illegal to serve alcohol to minors, even in your own home to your own children, I’ll keep obeying the law.</p>
<p>Modeling this kind of behavior is what parents do. And yes, there’s a certain amount of hypocrisy involved, and I can absolutely live with that.</p>
<p>This is upon reflection, and thanks to those who posted their opinions. I respect the opinions of those who have chosen differently.</p>
<p>And to the young person who chooses his/her own laws to obey- I’m afraid your post helped push me to deciding to keep modeling law-abiding behavior in my home.</p>
<p>In my family, it depends. My father regularly frowns upon my 21 year old sister drinking on non-“special occasions,” such as ordering one beer at a restaurant or having one before dinner when my parents have a beer. On the other hand, my parents sporadically have offered me and my sister (when she was underage) glasses of wine with dinner on special occasions–I usually turn it down, she usually accepted. They did not do this when other people under-21 were in our house, and of course we followed custom at other people’s houses when we were there. My parents were very turned off by my underage cousin who was not offered alcohol in our home but helped himself to several drinks. Anyway, I think it’s a strange issue for a number of reasons. My family sort of takes an in between position. I was offered a glass of wine at Christmas dinner last night because we were only eating with immediate family and everyone else is of age; if that had not been the case, it probably would not have been given to me. </p>
<p>As a side note, I was given alcohol regularly at my summer job last year, while I was 18. My job involved attending cocktail parties regularly where I would have a glass or two of something at the party (usually white wine or champaign) followed by a celebratory drink with the staff afterwards. I was the only person who was underage at the organization. I think it would have created a strange environment in the workplace if I wasn’t offered alcohol because it would have emphasized my age instead of my work and my position in the company (which was equal to two other employees who were over 21).</p>
<p>As a side note, I was given alcohol regularly at my summer job last year, while I was 18.</p>
<p>When my older D went to Costa Rica when she was 16, one of her classmates ordered a smoothie at breakfast that turned out to have alcohol in it!- Im not sure if it was a mistake on part of the restaurant or the student.</p>
<p>& when I took my younger D to Vancouver a couple years ago- so she was 15 she repeatedly was asked if she wanted a “drink” when we went out to dinner.
I know drinking age is 18 or 19 in BC, but she didn’t look that old- not IMO anyway.</p>
<p>Of course my older D has a friend who has a sister who was 18 at the time went out to dinner with her * family*- she attempted to use her fake ID to buy a drink!
( like her family wasn’t going to know how old she was??)
:rolleyes:</p>
<p>Last night at our Christmas party, we offered wine/champagne to everyone. I left it to parents to decide if their kids could have alcohol. We never serve alcohol to kids under 21 without their parents present. We have given our older daughter wine at restaurants since 16. Most restaurants in NY/NJ won’t pour the wine, but they are usually fine if we did it ourselves. But we couldn’t give her a drink at a bar while waiting for a table. We offer her a glass of wine when there is a special occasion. In high school she didn’t drink at parties until the last semester of senior year. She usually gave us heads up. We were fine with it as long as it was a controlled environment.</p>
<p>We let our kids taste our wine, if they wanted. But never with other people here nor at other people’s homes and never other people’s kids. Now that they are older teens and we will let them have a small glass of wine at special meals (at home), but they are not allowed to go out if they choose to have the drink. We have never allowed them to taste or drink anything alcoholic in a restaurant, what’s the point? H is somewhat of a wine connoiseur and has always permitted the tasting as a way of educating them to the nuances of fine wine. The upside is that they sip their drinks instead of chugging!!!</p>
<p>Im not comfortable with that answer at all. Considering we dont have a true democracy, our laws arent unassailable social contracts. I have a feeling Kolberg would disagree with your answer as well.</p>