<p>S is a senior and has his first girlfriend, a junior. He is planning on having her over to watch a movie tomorrow night in our finished basement. How do I monitor what is going on downstairs, or should I even monitor? I will speak to son about what is appropriate, but beyond that, should I ‘pass through’ to get a pop from the fridge in the basement to check on things? Leave the door open to the basement?</p>
<p>What do you do with your kids when they have a date over and spend time alone in the basement. I know you CCers always have great thoughts/advice.</p>
<p>First thing I would do is make sure he has condoms, and knows how (and why) to use them.</p>
<p>I am neither being cold nor cynical. The statistics say it is far more likely than not that he will be having sex during (or before) his senior year in high school. It may not happen in your basement, but it will happen. If you have an open and honest relationship with him, you will be able to communicate your own values, but regardless, he needs to know how to protect himself and the women he chooses to hang out with.</p>
<p>I agree with mini, if you haven’t had this discussion, which I hope by this age you have had, now is the time.<br>
As far as your basement, it’s your home, share your expectations with your son and sure…breeze through for a soda pop and be unpredictably visable, but again, he is a senior and you don’t want to be annoying.<br>
In a year, he is probably off to college and it will be too far to breeze through and get a soda pop! So basically, hopefully by now you have already had numerous conversations with him and have taken 18 years to guide him. He will have to set his own course soon.</p>
<p>When my kids had SOs over in the downstairs hang out room, I would breeze through now & again, not appearing to be really checking up on them, but keeping them aware I could be there at any time. I also walked more noisily on the floor so they could always hear me moving around, esp near the top of the stairs :D</p>
<p>Yes, to open door & also no under blankie snuggling on my watch at that age…thing smay be inevitable, but that doesn’t mean I cannot delay them as long as possible</p>
<p>You could certainly do the breeze by for a soda, then be the sweet mom and bring them munchies (in stages, of course). I’ve done popcorn, cookies, rice krispie treats, etc. It’s always been well received!</p>
<p>I knew somebody who hid a baby monitor in the basement when her teens had friends of the opposite sex over! Surprisingly she never heard anything innapropriate.</p>
<p>By senior year, if you haven’t instilled your values in your child, it is too late. Within a year, they can be with the opposite sex whenever they want, snuggling under blankets, feet off the floor, or spending the night having sex.</p>
<p>When I visited my HS gf’s houise this is what their parents did. They let us be alone in the house … in fact they actually arranged for us to be alone in the house (herded the other kids into other rooms). In addition about every 1/2 hour they “needed” to come into the room for something … the TV Guide … the paper … the briefcase … ask if we want some cookies … anything … it got to be a joke because we knew they would come check in on us every once in awhile. I got along great with her parents and asked about this approach … the Mom’s answer … we know you guys are somewhat active … and figure you’re safer and doing less under our roof with random checks every once in awhile. She was right we did less at their home … then when we went parking … or went to a movie and skipped the movie. Personally, I thought it was brilliant and we’ve stolen the idea in my family.</p>
<p>GA2012MOM, I don’t think it is surprising that she never heard anything inappropriate. I do think it is terrible that she would spy on her child like that! An occasional walk-through is fine, but listening in on their conversations is too much.</p>
<p>mamabear1234, I agree it was a HUGE invasion of privacy, and I personally would not want to eavesdrop on teens conversations. I’m sure some things they talk about on an everyday basis might shock most of us.</p>
<p>I’m reading into the OP’s original post a newness in the boyfriend/girlfriend situation–she’s his first girlfriend and they’ve just recently begun being boyfriend and girlfriend. If that is indeed the case, it’s not likely there’s any sex in their relationship. If having a girlfriend is a new thing for him then there is still a good deal of room to influence his self-developing ground rules; why should a parent let a kid go it alone? On some level, he’s choosing your home for the safety of the structure you’ll provide. My son’s a year younger and has been dating his girlfriend for almost a year; they know the basement door stays open, they do not get horizontal and they can expect a visit at any time. I think this sort of arrangement gives them appropriate privacy and helps relieve them of or helps them control any pressure they feel to “take the next step”. </p>
<p>By the way, we have an intercom system that allows me to listen in at any time. I use it occasionally during parties to discern why it’s so noisy or unusually quiet. Privacy issues aside, I don’t think it’s a very useful tool in the movie watching scenario as they are going to be pretty quiet whether they’re watching the movie or not. </p>
<p>All this said, my son asked to have his girlfriend over for dinner tonight and asked me to make buttered noodles for her because that’s her favorite and he wants her to try them the way his sister makes them with white wine and garlic (she’s a college freshman–not home to cook–will have to text her for recipe…)–thinks she’ll really like them. We spent a lot of time together yesterday because he was home sick with tummy trouble–it may have been a bit of a mental health day too; he’s been working very hard at school and was home alone last weekend. I suggested hubby and I and son and gf watch a movie together; he started suggesting movies gf would like. They haven’t hung out here for a while–lately it’s been her house with her mom always home. I was feeling pleased they want to spend some time with us. Now all this talk has me worried they’re going to tell us (God forbid…knocking wood…praying) she’s pregnant or something! :eek:</p>
<p>Oh…the basement TV room: THAT brings back (ok recent) memories. We have the open door policy, which encourages dogs and cats to go up and down in curiosity, surprisingly effective. I am the kind of mom who jokes around a lot with the “feet on the floor” comments. I also am the thoughtful one who might noisily take a plate of cookies or a bowl of popcorn on down for a little snack…</p>
<p>When I was the teenager in the basement, I had a little brother who was 10 years younger. My lucky parents always sent the little bro on down to visit!!! He was probably the most effective birth control!!!</p>
<p>So the question I have is whether you fear them having sex, or you fear them having sex in your house? Depending on which, you might approach this in different ways. </p>
<p>Statistically, they WILL be having sex (if they aren’t already). If it makes you feel better to rattle the popcorn, do it, but you may be avoiding the bigger issue.</p>
<p>I never like to admit that I agree with Allmusic on anything but we are of similar mind on this one. With both our D who is now a JR in college and our HS SR son we have a “you’re on your own” policy for his senior year in HS. A year from now we aren’t going to be there for advice or assistance with anything so if there is going to be a mistake made (hopefully not THE mistake) at least it will happen while we still have some control. If we haven’t done our job by now then it’s too late anyhow.</p>
<p>Nicely our laundry room is in the basement also. And doing laundry means you have to run down to load the machine, put it into the dryer 45 minutes later, get it out of the dryer…you get the picture…!</p>
<p>We actually started this discussion back when our kids were small, due to having foster children in the home. So much easier to have had it as a long-standing rule, rather than one that signifies that suddenly you can’t trust them. </p>
<p>Our rule, of necessity, was that, if there was anyone in your (or any) room besides you, the door was open, and parents were likely to be in and out. We had many sexually abused kids in our home, who had “acting-out” tendancies, as well as kids who wouldn’t hesitate to claim false allegations if they thought it would mean getting to go back home. This was done for the safety of everyone involved. The nice thing about instituting this rule when they were young meant that it was never an issue when they got older. In fact, visiting children would often close the door, and our own children would immediately open it.</p>
<p>I agree that when they go off to college, they become responsible for themselves. However, it was always a given that, while in HS, they were still at home, therefore college rules didn’t apply. However, I’m always one for taking advantage of teachable moments, too!</p>