<p>My mom always had the open door policy. We live in a one story house, so it was much easier for her to check on us. I kinda noticed that when I’d watch a movie with a boy in the living room, my mom would drink out of a smaller cup that needed to be refilled an awful lot!</p>
<p>I still wonder why all the fuss? Is it that sex in the back seat of a car, or in a vacant lot, or at a drunken high school party, or sneaking in and out of the house when parents aren’t home is okay, but in the basement when mom is home, it’s not? I’m trying to figure out what the real issue is. What is the aim of the question?</p>
<p>What is to be gained when we give our kids a clear signal that we don’t trust them (especially when this is his first girlfriend?) Do we think our 18 years of parenting were really that poor?</p>
<p>Yeah, the basement. Did that whole thing with my ex. First off, it doesnt mean there’s sex involved. There’s an almost 100% chance that something is going on, but as many said here, if you’ve done your job as a parent, you have no reason to spy on them. You really should just leave them alone. If it bothers you so much that they’re in your house and could be doing something remotely sexual, you shouldn’t allow them in your house together, to begin with (of course, they’ll just find somewhere else to do whatever it is they’re doing).</p>
<p>The bottom line is that you’re not respecting your kid, and you’re essentially saying you don’t trust him or think he has good judgment.</p>
<p>Trying to provide effective supervision is not distrusting your kid, it can be protecting your kid.</p>
<p>Yes, some kids will have sex, no matter what, and some kids will choose not to have sex, no matter what. The kid you are protecting is the one who has not decided yet, might as well not put them in a position of being pressured (by partner or by peer pressure to do it) to make a choice before they are ready. If my DS or DD has not decided, but is wavering, I would just as soon they delay that action, but providing a non-conducive environment will allow him/her to wait until the right time to make their choice.</p>
<p>Most kids - including most high school seniors - DO have sex (not “will” have sex). </p>
<p>“Readiness” has almost nothing to do with it. (Parents are almost never “ready” for their kids to have sex. ;))</p>
<p>I cannot dictate my kids’ actions all the time, everywhere. That doesn’t mean that I give up trying to have an influence. It also doesn’t mean I don’t trust them. </p>
<p>My parents had a hands-off attitude. They figured we would do what we wanted, so why try havng any sort of effect at all. I remember my mom even telling me she didn’t want to meet my dates. “If I like them, you won’t. If I don’t like them, you’ll like them more.” I didn’t understand that hands-off parenting, except that then she could say any of our mistakes were ours alone. I thought it was a cop-out. Each of us kids handled that freedom differently, with decidedly mixed results.</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of raising your kid till they are old enough to cross the street, then saying, “I trust you. Bye.” Granted, some folks do it that way, and it works. But those that it didn’t work for probably aren’t posting here.</p>
<p>Mini, that’s an interesting point. I have very open conversations with all my boys about sex and the commitment I believe should be attendant with it. We talk birth control, diseases etc. I am not an abstinence-advocator, but a commitment advocator. I teach respect, both for girls and for our feelings as parents. I also have younger children in the house, and I believe that the older kids bear some responsibility for modeling their behavior in my house. I choose not to close the door and look the other way, especially during a new relationship and with minor children. For one thing, it’s a big assumption that the girl my son brings home would be comfortable with a complete lack of parental supervision. If her parents are letting her come over, assuming we’ll be home and in some way responsible for their daughter, it’s a responsibility I take seriously. Maybe some parents of girls don’t ask the question, but if I had a daughter I would. </p>
<p>My oldest son had a two year relationship, many hundreds of hours of which comprised dates in our basement, with blankets and closed doors involved hours after I went to bed. I NEVER stopped talking to our son about the aforementioned issues, but also didn’t babysit him as he went off to college. I didn’t ask if they were having sex, as it wasn’t my business when they were 18, 19, 20 years old and in a long-term relationship. I’d be kidding you if I said I didn’t feel better knowing where they were on their after-midnight dates, but I also never stopped talking to my son about curfews, respect, commitment and the younger kids. </p>
<p>None of these issues has an easy answer, but open communication is the key, and respect of everyone involved at all levels is paramount. I don’t think the door should be closed and the parents’ eyes averted on a first date.</p>
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<p>I didnt (and this is in reference to her basement as well)…</p>
<p>Kids who want to have sex will find a way, and it usually will not be in the basement of the family home, if the parents are up and about (I never allowed “co-ed” overnights, and was not a fan of single sex sleepovers either–which meant we were asleep with kids downstairs—anyway). Aside from hermetically sealing your teenagers in a box, until they are married, they will have to deal with issues like these. Personally, I think the family basement is the least of anyone’s problems. Cars, parks, beaches, other people’s houses, etc., are much more of an issue.</p>
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<p>I completely disagree. Just because young adults do not always reflect our values in all of their choices, doesn’t mean that those lessons are not still in there somewhere. </p>
<p>I didn’t become my mother until my early 40’s. It is never too late to instill your values in your child.</p>
<p>As for the two teenagers on the couch, I agree that coming in with various snacks and drinks at unpredictable times should help. Talking to your son in advance about expectations, and about your plan to be in and out in order to do your parenting thing, is also a good idea. This does not mean you can prevent him from having sex (if only…). This just means you will do what parents are supposed to do. Being a good role model speaks volumes, and in the long run it helps kids develop a proper rudder.</p>
<p>I know kids can do whatever thay wish at college, but I think it is nice for them to have very clear memories about the boundaries set by their parents.</p>
<p>I’m the OP. I’ve appreciated the interesting ideas and perspectives you have all offered.</p>
<p>Schmoomcgoo, you got it just right. These two just started their relationship a week ago, and this is a first relationship for my son. I’m not concerned about sex in their relationship. However, this is my oldest and I’ve never been through this before as a parent; I want to guide him correctly. I do trust him and want to treat him as a trustworthy person. We’re open with each other and I like your idea of helping him through this, as it will help to establish how he handles things in the future. “On some level, he’s choosing your home for the safety of the structure you’ll provide.” I like that! Also, I feel a measure of responsibility for the young lady (she’s a year younger; a junior) and what I will want when my 13 year old D is in the same situation when she’s older. I believe some structure/supervision is in order in these situations.</p>
<p>Open communication is the key about this, and about virtually all other issues regarding adolescents. </p>
<p>As for structure, do what makes you feel comfortable.</p>
<p>When my d was invited to her bf’s house (d’s first bf; both juniors), I called and talked to his mom to make sure that adults would be around. Mom, Dad, Grandma, little sister were in and out of the bf’s room where bf and d were watching movies - yes, open door policy.</p>
<p>Same when he came over here, more or less. We have a two story house, but the tv area is not in a closed room. Could have walked up at any time - didn’t, but could have.</p>
<p>I think the open-door policy actually added a comfort level. Both families had similar expectations as to what was appropriate behavior as a guest in someone else’s house.</p>
<p>Our basement door has a block on it so it won’t close completely, because the cat’s sandbox is on the unfinished side of the basement (there’s also a cat-hole in the door between finished and unfinished side). How convenient…</p>
<p>When D is in the basement with a boy, we pop our heads down the stairs occasionally to offer soda, or popcorn, etc. Sometimes I just call down to tell them if something interesting is on another channel on the upstairs TV. I think that’s pretty common.</p>
<p>I don’t think you’d be out of line to pop your head in occasionally - not every 10 minutes, though. And make a lot of noise at the top of the stairs before you head down, just in case - I’d rather give my D and her BF a chance to separate rather than walk in on them…</p>
<p>This thread brings back bad memories!
I remember being home from college on a break, and messing around in the dark with my boyfriend (now husband) in the basement. It was late, and my parents were upstairs, presumably asleep.
All of a sudden - the light is switched on, and there stands my mother. And there sat H. in his underpants (it could have been worse). She gave us a short, terse lecture and went back upstairs. I heard a LOT more about it the next day.
What I found so bothersome (icky) about it was that she came soundlessly down the stairs, then walked down the hall to the playroom in complete darkness, without turning on a single light along the way. Would you really WANT to surprise someone in that sort of situation? I wouldn’t!</p>
<p>You should have a talk with your son than leave him alone with his GF. He is 18 meaning he needs to learn how to make his own decisions and be his own person. I am sure that you raised him well so he should his moral values in order. Sex though is something that is natural and is going to happen.</p>
<p>So it is better to prepare him rather than try to delay him. Would you rather him have sex with the proper protection and knowledge or make a stupid decision and have sex without a condom because he doesn’t know if he will have another chance due to your invasiveness. </p>
<p>Hope everything goes well, no disrespect with my reply I am just trying to give blatant advice on the subject at hand.</p>
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<p>I have to disagree spidey. While I think that you can always offer advice there are some core values and morals that take root way before they are seniors in high school. The one thing you can’t take for granted is common sense…</p>
<p>xsnalex: “So it is better to prepare him rather than try to delay him.”</p>
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<p>IMO I think “prepare him” and “try to delay him” are probably both valid when referring to hs students.</p>
<p>We are not strict on these things. We trusted our kid and her BF - and it was fine. I think if we’d hovered and over-regulated it would have hurt our relationship with her during the final stressful push to hs graduation. Every kid is different. Every significant other is different. Every family is different. Some of us just have dumb luck, I think. Our kids have a very strong sense of self-preservation and we seldom find it necessary to point out the obvious like “Hey! You might get pregnant if you don’t use birth control.” Honestly, if I’d said that to my daughter she would have thought I was on drugs or something.</p>
<p>It stuns me how many folks think that high school students (or college students for that matter) are going to have sex no matter what. If you look at the research, somewhere around half of high school kids are virgins. </p>
<p>I so agree with the poster that said: The kid you are protecting is the one who has not decided yet, might as well not put them in a position of being pressured (by partner or by peer pressure to do it) to make a choice before they are ready. </p>
<p>If as a parent, you aren’t comfortable enforcing your own values and expectations in your own home, that’s pretty sad. We have taught our children (as our parents did before us) that sex is for marriage and that you better respect our values in our home. We were both (socially active, well-liked) virgins when we married, and we expect the same of our children. Now, I know that I don’t have any control over what they choose to do as adults, but I sure do have control over what I teach them in my home. So… all visits with friends occur in the public areas of our home with an open door policy.</p>
<p>Well, I fully expect to be flamed - when I once mentioned something on CC praising a pro-abstinence club at a college, you’d think I’d advocated witch trials :-P</p>