<p>Anyone have this issue besides me ? Not that we don’t ever get invited to parties , but it seems more often than not, the party is at our home and not the other way around</p>
<p>My husband is on the way to the airport to pick up a group of four…two of whom are related to spend the next two weeks at our home.</p>
<p>Neither of us are in the mood or mindframe for company right about now because of our workload </p>
<p>Besides the fact that we are exhausted because of our seasonal business , I can’t help but be resentful that when my husband goes over to visit his family in Sweden , he doesn’t get as much as a sandwich at their home when we are expected to deliver every night ( and I love to cook and all )
Feeling like a couple of suckers here !</p>
<p>Some of our friends say we should not be such good hosts :D</p>
<p>Don’t you just feel an attack of something coming on that might leave you in the bed? You are not looking good…just saying…</p>
<p>Seriously, you can say no, at least to the wining and dining part. They will adjust. Show them where the grocery store is if they do not want to take themselves out every night. You do not have to do this.</p>
<p>That strategy crossed my mind once or twice (stop giving, or give less, to those who do not reciprocate), but then I realized it isn’t fun. And it isn’t me. Rather than pal with people I have to make myself cheap with (in order to level the playing field), I would rather just hang with those who are also generous. Let the frugal or minimalist entertainers pal with one another, and the rest of us can do things our way.</p>
<p>The really tough call is when moochers mooch via their offspring. It’s an easy solution when the child is not a favorite of my own, but when there is a great friendship I just throw up my hands. I had one little one over to my house for dinner, I think, more than she ate at home. I just absolutely loved this kid, and so did my daughter. The mom was the biggest taker I ever met. What can you do?</p>
<p>Some of our friends say we should not be such good hosts</p>
<p>lol…that may be it!!</p>
<p>My cousin is an amazing hostess…absolutely does a breathtaking job…cooks for a week for an event. I’m afraid to have her over!! LOL So, I treat for a meal out. </p>
<p>but it seems more often than not, the party is at our home and not the other way around</p>
<p>Frankly, I think many two-career families are just too exhausted these days to entertain. (sexist alert coming… ) If you have an H who is willing to help out in a big way for these social things, then the burden is more manageable. If you have an H who will spend a party day on the golf course instead of helping out, then it’s a nightmare. lol</p>
<p>We’re guilty of being guests more than hosts, here are the reasons:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I’m not a good cook and get no help from DH when guests come over. The stress of inviting people to dinner has me sleepless from the date the invitation is issued.</p></li>
<li><p>Same as above for house cleaning. All on moi, and I won’t have anyone over if the house is not spotless.</p></li>
<li><p>It always seems that others enjoy hosting so much more than we do. They have all the right wine glasses, serving sets-everything. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>We do several large gatherings, to include everyone who invites us during the year. I buy top quality hors d’oeuvres and make some desserts. Still, some have dropped us from their guest lists and I don’t blame them at all.</p>
<p>The funny thing is, I do NOT have the best wine glasses , table settings and linens , but I am known for my cooking and can handle a crowd …that is my downfall</p>
<p>Our neighborhood has had progressive dinners for Christmas season for many yrs before we lived here , but the first year we were here for Christmas set the tone and the entire event has been held here since…and we don’t mind because everyone pitches in wit the food and although I still do a lot of the cooking, we share in the prep</p>
<p>I am all for my guests anjoying themselves , but it wouldn’t be frowned upon if the soon to arrive guests would perhaps , purchase some food , or offer to clean up !
Last year , it was a " thanks for dinner ,we are going to bed " I hada very well deserved trip to Bermuda the week after they left , though I didn’t exactly grasp that when the trip was planned</p>
<p>I think I am a lot like momsquad. I will bring food, I will bring wine, I will buy you dinner but I am very uncomfortable having people over for dinner. My house is not as decorated as others, my dishes are rather blah and I am just very insecure over the whole thing. I wish I wasn’t but I am.</p>
<p>Another non-reciprocator here. The idea of having guests in my home actually makes me panic. I’m sure everything I might do would be a disaster. You wouldn’t suspect this, probably, if you met me. People like me. I’m friendly and helpful, and supportive of my friends. I just don’t invite people to my home. I’ve thought about turning down the occasional invitations I get from friends (especially if it is a repeat invitation) but what would I say?</p>
<p>Are these people coming to your home uninvited? And they “expect” you to cook every night? That blows my mind.</p>
<p>I’m a good cook, but I admit that I am untidy. It’s hard to hide all the piles so that people can come over. I’m not ashamed of my decor or dishes though neither are fancy. We usually have one big party a year, and I often do family Thanksgiving. We have neighbors (and friends) who seem to do the bulk of the neighborhood parties. She no longer works at all and he only has the occasional freelance job. We always bring lots of good food to parties.</p>
<p>I think in the old days people really did feel they had to reciprocate (and did), but people nowadays are much more likely to let things slide.</p>
<p>Long standing problem in our family. SiL and daughters (she has only d’s, all over 25) never lift a finger to prepare, serve or clean up. And we do ALL the holidays. SiL says of her daughters “Well, you can’t expect them to help to because I never trained them to help” </p>
<p>SiL’s personal lack of helping has never been explained.</p>
<p>We love to entertain and our friends in town love to come over. Potlucks are the norm because we each have our “specialties”. DH makes gourmet pizzas while our friends make delicious appetizers and desserts. Then there’s the wine connoisseur of the group.</p>
<p>Interestingly, we don’t have family over too often. They think we live too far and when they do visit, it’s for the weekend and all 11 of them come. Every one of our bedrooms is occupied and I feel like m running a B&B. Exhausting.</p>
<p>I think the expectations your guests have were entirely created by you. Two old adages come to mind: Both fish and house guests start to stink after 3 days (2 weeks = insanity!), and (per Dear Abby, I think) no one can treat you like a doormat if you don’t lie down first. If you aren’t in the mood for house guests, why are you having them? Next time some one suggests a visit, tell them you’re too busy to host, but can recommend a lovely hotel nearby and would love to meet them for dinner at your favorite restaurant.</p>
<p>I have been known to have to work late during some family visits :-). I’m a terrible hostess because I am a crazed perfectionist. I can be “close-enough” to perfect for a few meals, but after a few days I’m exhausted and all my “go-to”" dishes have been done and I am SO ready for some privacy.</p>
<p>We used to live in a location people loved to visit! After a few years of being unfailingly hospitable, we adopted a more practical approach. Prior to arrival our guests received: the names of car rental companies in our location, a map to our house, our availability schedule during their visit (we were both working, one of us was traveling a lot with work, we had 2 children under the age of 5). </p>
<p>On arrival the guests received: keys, maps, brochures, guidebooks to the area and menus for some of our favorite restaurants. We designated a space in our fridge for them (labeled with their name) and a space in the deep freeze (if they caught fish!). We ensured there was space on the driveway. We set up one special event to do together during their stay and we had dinner for them/with them the first and last night… for sure. All the rest was ‘as available.’</p>
<p>H&I noticed this many years ago. We were always making the effort to invite couples (with and without children) to our house for dinner. I love entertaining and cooking a fancy dinner. I have a huge collection of dishes and silverware and love to have opportunities to use them. But we noticed that no one EVER reciprocated with an invitation of any kind. </p>
<p>In 30 years we have invited people maybe 40-50 times (colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, foreign visitors), and I can remember 4 that reciprocated. We began to think it was us, but we are pretty congenial people and our guests seemed to have a good time and stayed well after dinner. Finally, we just gave up on always being the ones to make the effort. </p>
<p>I know that people are really busy with dual careers, children and their activities, etc. But I was always brought up to believe that if you were invited somewhere, you needed to try and reciprocate in some way, if possible or feasible. If you are squeamish about having people into your house, invite them to a restaurant.</p>
<p>I think MommJ is right - only because I know that I am responsible for our own situation - In-laws treat us like a B&B, sister-in-law and her family have NEVER gotten up from the table to help when I’m entertaining HER parents!! Friends from another country stay at our place for weeks every summer and never asked my kid who at the time lived in their city for even a dinner at their home.
But you’re right - we do it to ourselves. This year I’m too tired and busy to be so accommodating. I’m turning over a new leaf!
On the other hand, we have many friends who, after a dinner at our place, can barely make it out the door without offering a reciprocal invitation. :)</p>
<p>Between Mother’s Day and Labor Day, we had four sets of extended-stay houseguests (four to eight nights) in our little two-bedroom, one bath apartment. We made three trips ourselves where we were overnight guests (two to four nights) - which reminds me, I owe three thank-you notes, don’t I? </p>
<p>In my extended family, visits of a week or more are not unusual. This almost certainly has its roots in rural-American tradition. There were no hotels to stay in, and everyone had a giant farmhouse (and in a pinch a hayloft) to stash the company in. We all were taught from infancy that houseguests are family after one day. This means that you have a grace period to catch up on sleep after a long trip, and you are allowed to dominate dinner conversation the first night with tales of travel horrors. After that you are expected to pitch in with whatever needs done, and to fit yourself into the life of the household where you are staying. The household will not twist itself around to accommodate you. My generation cooks much less fiercely than my mother’s and grandmothers’ so as my eldest sister puts it, we supply bed but not necessarily breakfast. </p>
<p>Happydad’s extended family isn’t quite as good at putting up relatives, but they have been city people for much longer than we have. When his mom has lived in apartments too small for everyone to camp on the floor, we’ve stayed in hotels. The aunts & cousins in that city have never offered a bed even though (to my mind) they have space. One does host all of the holiday dinners, but the rest meet us at restaurants where we split the check.</p>
<p>lje62, </p>
<p>The family in Sweden may not have a tradition of opening their homes to houseguests. As with Happydad’s family it just may never, ever occur to them to turf the kids out of a bedroom for a week. They also may not believe that they have space, or time, or energy for houseguests. They may feel that they can’t match your hostessing skills and be embarrassed to have your husband in their homes for fear of a negative report. As long as you enjoy (mostly) having houseguests, keep doing it. When it isn’t (mostly) fun any more, it will be perfectly OK to come up with a different plan.</p>
<p>For many years we hosted all the events at our home, from random Saturday nights after sports with a video to official holidays, Super bowl, etc. Everyone came to our house & we did have a great house for it, room for adults & kids & room outdoors for kids to play. It made sense, though no matter what people bring, you are always out of pocket way more than your ‘share.’ When we moved, I really missed those events and I discovered later that virtually none of our friends was continuing any of those social events in our absence. All those excuses for a BBQ, no one was doing anything, they had fun & enjoyed them along the way, but not enough to make their own effort.</p>
<p>People are just different, I guess. Though it was eye opening to me to see that even after they saw how we did it for years, no one thought to step up and start entertaining.</p>
) If you have an H who is willing to help out in a big way for these social things, then the burden is more manageable. If you have an H who will spend a party day on the golf course instead of helping out, then it’s a nightmare. lol</p>