<p>We noticed a big difference, moving from Texas to Maine. “Southern hospitality” is not an empty term! Up here, people don’t seem to socialize nearly as much. We rarely get invited to people’s houses. We used to invite people to ours fairly regularly, but about 3/4 of the time, they would cancel at the last minute! Seriously! We just had to laugh about it after awhile. We’ve found that works best is to call friends and plan things spontaneously - "Let’s go out for dinner tonight! That way, I don’t get stressed out over preparing a nice meal and having it go to waste.</p>
<p>I’m one of those who really doesn’t like to entertain. I just find it stressful - from having to clean the house to cooking to inviting people to dealing with those who refuse to RSVP to having to make decisions all through out the party and trying to make sure people have drinks, forks, etc. We do a big pig roast every few years (doing it for thanksgiving this year and I’m already stressed about having 40 people here) but that’s about it.</p>
<p>Interestingly, we owned a small lake house for several years and I didn’t mind having people out there so much. I think because it was very small and easy to keep clean and we kept our entertaining very simple - usually burgers and chips.</p>
<p>I do feel bad that we don’t entertain more but I figure that the people who do have parties do it because it’s something they enjoy, not because they expect a reciprocal invitation. Indeed, my friends who entertain a lot are very extroverted people. I always, always offer to bring something and to help clean up. I would also add that all my friends who entertain regularly have housekeepers who come in at least every other week. That takes some of the stress out of it.</p>
<p>One of my close friends who does entertain a lot does what Mainelonghorn said. She usually waits until the last minute to throw something together and she keeps it very, very simple. Whoever can come, comes. She usually has a good turnout.</p>
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<p>There are people who LOVE to entertain and naturally they do it frequently; and then there are those who HATE to entertain. I get the feeling that people who love it don’t understand that not all of us share this enthusiasm, and hold us to the same standard of frequency that they themselves observe. </p>
<p>I’m also conscientious about helping once I get there, and always ask what I should bring (and I phrase it “What should I bring?” not “Should I bring something?” I fully expect to contribute). For those who love to host: Should I not accept your invitation if I’m not going to be reciprocating?</p>
<p>And you’re right, MomLive; if I had a cleaning service, entertaining would be a lot less daunting.</p>
<p>For those of you who entertain, I have a question. And I am not asking to be a smart alec, I mean it.</p>
<p>Would it be better for people like me, who will never return the favor by inviting you to our house, to turn down your invitation? Should we just be honest and say, “We can’t return your hospitality, so we are going to decline your invitation.” That always seems like it will just open up a whole conversational drama nobody wants to be involved in. Is it better to be talked about as an ungrateful non-recipricator, or an unsocial weirdo?</p>
<p>[Cross posted with LasMa]</p>
<p>BTW, I am not talking about overnight stays. I would never invite myself to stay at someone’s house, although I understand that others do so. Any time I have stayed overnight with someone, it has been because that person has implored me to come.</p>
<p>It’s better to go to the party and have fun, help out. If that’s uncomfortable for you, I guess you’d have to figure that one out. I’d rather have you there…I invited you, didn’t I??
When I complained earlier, it was about FAMILY get-togethers where the often-hosted relatives don’t lift a finger.</p>
<p>I would be thrilled for people just to accept my invitation up here! Really! I have NO expectations that anyone will reciprocate.</p>
<p>My parents have never invited anyone over for dinner in the 22 years we’ve lived here, even family unless it was a holiday. We do not throw parties outside major holidays and not even for most of those anymore. Nobody in the entire extended family has overnight guests unless it’s an emergency-- and I mean REALLY an emergency, like you went over to someone’s house and got snowed in by surprise, anything else and you go to a hotel. We’re just not entertainers. Most of the people we know aren’t as extreme as we are but are at least similar. It’s just not done. We’ve gone to dinner at others houses on a few rare occasions, had fun but haven’t done it again and didn’t reciprocate-- our house isn’t really decorated or even really well kept, our dog ruined the carpets. I think my mom would be embarrassed.</p>
<p>Funny, I don’t mind having people stay overnight, even for several days. It is the dinner parties that stress me out. I guess because the people who stay are more likely to be family (but not always) and the dinner party guests are usually peers. I am going to try and have people over more. Maybe burgers on the grill will be a good way to ease into it. I will have to revisit the CC thread on appetizers and side dishes. 
By the way, I think CC could throw a cookbook together with all the recipes that have been put on here!</p>
<p>Missouri Gal- I think if you like the people enough to want to share time with them, you should accept the invitation. If you do not like them enough, or will not have the energy or interest to even invite them out to a restaurant, then decline graciously. </p>
<p>Although hostesses may love to entertain, they also are interested in building relationships with their guests. If your life is too busy to reciprocate with time or the interest, reconsider the invitation. </p>
<p>A hostess who throws fabulous dinner parties still loves to meet friends at a pizzeria or an enchilada joint. </p>
<p>Mainelonghorn- I feel for you…those Downeasters can be rather cool for the first seventy-five years you live nearby. But…are they really no-shows after accepting the invitation? That is just plain awful.</p>
<p>I am one of those people who does like to plan the get together. I could do it in my sleep. I like no more than 10 and always end up with 13 (so odd at the table) but do have one larger group once a year (Kentucky Derby Day). I like it all except how much $$ it costs. Everyone always offers and does bring dishes but I honestly don’t care for that. Still, no stopping them. I like to plan the menu and I like things to go together. I would so much rather people brought nicer wine that I buy or a new liquore or even candy. Don’t care for flowers as then I have to stop, cut the stems, fill the vase, etc. Our parties go way into the late evening–usually ending no earlier than 12 a.m.
I do not care AT ALL that others do not have parties. I do like it if they just invite us to join them for a movie and a drink. If they would like to pay for the drink, nice, but not necessary. I know that some people just don’t feel comfortable about entertaining, some homes offer themselves more easily to it, and some of our friends have younger kids at home still and are likely to invite us for a dessert for a few hours. All is welcome. I wish it did not cost so much to make a great dinner! I appreciate a nice hostess gift like a new apron.
Oh–and I HATE overnight guests except for my sweet 84 year old aunt. And I HATE being an overnight guest.
Yes, there are just those people who cancel at the last minute–what are they thinking? That you have not prepared any food for them? I just can’t take people who can’t be counted on. I dropped a friend who said yes to a late night after our kids theater performance. They arrived and left after 40 minutes so H could watch Sat. Night live and reruns of his D’s b-ball game. I “forgot” to send the chocolate cake home with them. :)</p>
<p>lje62–I have been known (many times) to go to the grocery and sit in the parking lot and read a book and talk on my cell phone when we have had overnight guests. I also make up meetings I have to go to.</p>
<p>I am the friend whose house is always ok for company, but HATES to cook and is insecure about planning. I always say to friends “you can come over anytime you want, but you gotta bring food!”</p>
<p>I have a number of friends whose houses, for various reasons, are unsuitable for entertaining. I understand this–everyone has their priorities, and housekeeping/decorating is not one of them for some people. I can’t judge-I barely can get dinner on the table!</p>
<p>I do think that if you are one of the non-reciprocators (sp?), you should ask friends out for dinner, or offer to bring Chinese to their house without shame. “The dogs will drive us crazy at my house. Can Ed and I bring you guys a pizza Saturday night?”</p>
<p>This is a fascinating thread. It really opens my eyes.
H and I seem to have people over waaaay more than others have us over. At times, there is an offer to go out to a restaurant together, but that is different, and often the bill is split, so it is not really a return invitation but still nice.</p>
<p>I do not “keep track” as I definitely enjoy and am quite experienced with and have the time to handle entertaining in my home or even having house-guests.
But I have felt odd about how rarely it is reciprocated.</p>
<p>I have chalked it up to the currently typically crazy family lifestyle- two-career couples, divorced couples, blended families, kid-centered lives with too many far-flung EC’s, discomfort and inexperience on the part of some, and so forth. </p>
<p>But I do have to admit that there has been a lack of warmth, community, and opportunity to develop close adult friends and full-family friends.
It seems to have reached a bit of an impasse, to look at this thread. I do appreciate knowing how it feels from the “other” side.</p>
<p>Now that we are empty-nesters, we all should have plenty of time now to plan things to do with other couples, to make new friends, right?</p>
<p>So, do share what you all have been up to socially, with both old and new friends. I am interested to know what is fun and working well!
Have any of you started up new activities? moved? a new routine? new ways to socialize??</p>
<p>Well, H and I would be up for some new friends–want to come over? I think many of us are ready for some new blood as most of our friendships were due to kids and their relationsips. That was good for then but a few new folks would be welcome. Also, a few years ago I purged my friendship closet. Gosh, that sounds bad. i just mean that I took a good look and moved away from those who were not emotionally a good match for me. I am not sure if it was a good idea or not, we do have fewer people in our lives but I don’t have to have those rerun conversations in my head anymore, if you know what I mean.</p>
<p>My husband and I socialize (if you can call it that, exactly) with the people that we do specific activities with, during those activities. That is, my husband has buddies that he does his sports workouts with, and buddies he does his hobbies with. Ditto for me, plus my volunteer activities. So actually, we do a lot of this stuff separately. We don’t really go to dinner parties, or out for purely social get-togethers, except on rare occasions, when we’ve been invited somewhere. And to be frank, we never have people over to our house. We’ve never had BFF’s that we chat on the phone with or go on trips with.</p>
<p>This is enough for us, and we’re always glad to get home.</p>
<p>We started entertaining at home when kids were young because we could put them to bed, and not have to worry about getting home early. I am lucky because H is a good cook, our friends always enjoy a meal at our home. We didn’t invited our friends’ kids to our house when they were young because our home wasn’t kid friendly, and some people thought it was ok for their kids to run all over the house with no supervision.</p>
<p>I entertain at home for work now. I have people over for drinks and sometimes for dinner. We have expats from around the world, we would take turns to make our home cooking. The Brits like to make Sun dinner with a roast, pudding, and potato. The meal is usually finished with a lot of after dinner drinks (port, bourbon, whiskey). I make my famous Italian meatballs, which would usually require multiple trips to different grocery stores to get all necessary ingredients. By getting together, it makes us less home sick.</p>
<p>I have been an expat twice, too, Oldfort. I understand what you mean. Sometimes I think that being far from one’s real home brings the expats together!
But it did disrupt our life in the US, for sure. We have lived here in two different cities during our almost 30 year marriage. Being parents really helped pull us into the communities. So did volunteer work. And ties with our schools and work. These things just are not really there any more, though.</p>
<p>Personally, it has gotten a little TOO quiet around the house, now that our D’s have been gone for about two years!!</p>
<p>It goes to show that families and individuals have such different situations and such different attitudes about and needs for company and down-time and privacy. Sometimes I think these variations are so prevalent that it is amazing that we ever get together or find friends at all!</p>
<p>I also have found that my husband has his friends, that does activities with him, and I have mine, who do things with me. I wonder if that is the way it will always be…</p>
<p>oregon— gee whiz, am too far from you for a fun drop in. But thanks for the offer!!!</p>
<p>Well–just know it is an open invitation for any CCer’s traveling around.
This post has inspired me. I remembered that we are long overdue to have this one couple who invites us to their Christmas white elephant party. We see their guests exactly once a year but after 6 years it has turned out fun. Long story short- we had a dinner planned and she became ill and it never was rescheduled. So I did send a email today to try again.
Second–One of the most fun dinner parties we have is to have a cook off. I buy and plan the entire meal and when people come in they are given a recipie and cookmate and a cooking station with everything they need-- and eventually we sit down and eat it. Our version of a non competative cookoff. Some of this is made more fun when our 27 year old D and her friends are part of the show.</p>