<p>We get together with other couples just about every month. Mostly it’s been in our neighborhood Tavern (where we can sit and talk for a long time after a meal). Sometimes it’s at one of our houses. This month, everyone is invited here for a cook-out. If it rains, we will pick up some fried chicken. We know each other because our children all participated in the high school theatre productions. Now four of the couples are empty-nesters (three new ones just this year). It will be interesting to chat with them about how they are all adjusting. We were the first empty-nesters. I have been a very nervous hostess in the past, but I think the older I get, the more comfortable I’ve become. We live in a smaller home and don’t have fancy china (I sold it when Odessagirl was 2 years old so I could buy a Little Tykes playhouse for her). We are not the fancy type. Comfortable furniture, etc. But I don’t think anybody cares.</p>
<p>eddie–I stored my china last year as we use it exactly only on Thankgiving. and your D loved her playhouse!
My dishes are all open stock plain cheap white. Because I break dishes all all of the time so why spend more. light a candle and all looks nice.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about the dishes, oregon101. A dear friend of mine doesn’t have a large well-decorated house, a big food budget, or fancy dishware. What she does have is a way of making people feel comfortable and welcome. I’d rather eat a peanut-butter sandwich off a paper plate at her house (and have!), than a gourmet meal served on china with stuffy people who make me want to leave as soon as dessert’s been served.</p>
<p>BTW my friend doesn’t keep a reciprocity scorecard. Good thing for me! :)</p>
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<p>That is such a good question. I think if people are inviting, and you’d like to go, you should do so. As someone who is a frequent host, I still do invite some non-reciprocators. If I really love them or find them to be particularly entertaining, it’s easy to give a pass when there is no invite back. </p>
<p>I do believe, however, that (as Fauve said) there really is no excuse not to reciprocate by at least extending an invitation to a restaurant (and grabbing the check). I think if there is a financial problem, that would be a different story. Still, how many people cannot afford to play host once a year at the local hole-in-the-wall, fun Mexican spot? It’s really the thought that counts, and everybody (even frequent hosts) enjoys feeling liked and appreciated.</p>
<p>I think that those of us who have the parties don’t really care about cost or we wouldn’t do it. However, reading this thread makes me wonder if non-hosts realize just how crazy expensive entertaining actually is (and how bringing even an expensive bottle of wine, or a nice dish, doesn’t come close to eliminating the need for at least some kind of reciprocation). It is also bone-achingly exhausting. I do actually enjoy it or I’d stop, of course. I just find it difficult to believe that there really are any frequent hosts, anywhere, who can say that they never ever feel resentful when repeatedly entertaining non-reciprocators.</p>
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<p>It’s not the cost that makes me reluctant to entertain. It’s that I feel like I don’t do it very well. It makes me a nervous wreck, and I’m sure my jitters communicate themselves to my guests, which means none of us is having a good time.</p>
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<p>I guess MissouriGal and I have our answer. Now I just need to figure out who among my friends resents me, and stop accepting their invitations.</p>
<p>LapMa-</p>
<p>No way, don’t stop accepting. Maybe you are one of those incredibly fun people to have around, and well worth the effort. I am sure your absence would be missed. Just invite your friends out to a restaurant one in a blue moon and they will be thrilled.</p>
<p>(I just read your post in another thread on saying thanks, btw. Beautiful post. I guess you really did find your voice!) ;)</p>
<p>Is it better to have one couple at a time at your home or 2 or 3 couples? what size for informal dinner is best? we have tried one couple at a time and it seems a bit stuffy or boring. we thought of a party but that just seems like too much planning. by the way the cookoff sounds great- i am going to mention it to H tomorrow ( the chef)!</p>
<p>I like to have 8-10 people for dinner. It’s not too many, but creates livelier conversation. H doesn’t make it too complicated. He’ll do a main course (roasted chickens, beef), starch, few vegs, and a large salad. </p>
<p>When we used to have out door space, we used to a lot of barbecues. H had a lot of rib recipes, fresh jersey corns, grilled vegetables, potato sald… I miss those parties.</p>
<p>I don’t really buy this concept of “some people don’t do it because it is too hard (too nervouse) and don’t have the dishes and silverwares.” It requires work to have people over, that’s why it means so much more when they have you over rather than buying a meal out. It can be done with order out food if you can’t cook, there are a lot of nice disposable dishes and utensils. </p>
<p>When it comes to entertaining, it is important to reciprocate, even people who love to entertain would love to be entertained sometimes. H is happy when we are invited to people’s house for dinner sometimes.</p>
<p>In a way, this thread reminds me of the threads lamenting why there are always just a few parents who do most of the volunteer work at school (or church, or name-a-good-cause) while many benefit from it.</p>
<p>It’s clear that many (most) suffer from entertaining anxiety, “My dishes are chipped, my glasses don’t match and I need to replace the sofa, so I won’t have anyone over until those things are fixed.” And after that stuff is fixed, the walls need painting and the dog ruined the rug…so still no one over. Well, your guests don’t care! If you invite friends - you know, those nice people who like you and enjoy your company - they will accept you and your home as it is. No one will even notice your dishes. They are so, so happy that you care enough about them to ask them over! It’s an honor, really, no matter what your house looks like or what you are serving. As long as you are genuinely happy to see your guests and you make an effort to make them feel welcome - show true hospitality - it will be appreciated.</p>
<p>If you don’t cook, put out cheese and crackers and one of those pre-fab veggie trays from the grocery store, buy some wine and beer and order take out. Or, just make it for cocktails and forget dinner. Sometimes it is less stressful to arrange an informal get together last minute so that you won’t spend the week worrying about it. Send out an email in the morning for a drink at your house that evening. </p>
<p>Use pretty paper and plastic goods - no worries about mismatching dishes and glasses. Keep it small and invite 3 or 4 couples over. I have a group of women over very few months, which is very easy - they only eat appetizers and salad and drink wine. No one ever ventures out of the kitchen and we all sit at the island.</p>
<p>In terms of cleaning and prepping the house - make sure the toilet and sink in the bathroom your guests will use are clean. Put out paper hand towels - those rectangular shaped napkins. If your living room isn’t comfortable, keep everyone in the kitchen. Wipe down the counter and the table, and light a candle.</p>
<p>Accept that you will feel anxious as you wait for your guests to arrive - most of us feel that way. Life is short. Have a party.</p>
<p>^^It’s not “anxious” while waiting for guests to arrive; it’s tied-in-knots in the stomach from the time the invitations go out. Life is short. I decided it was foolish to keep doing this to myself. </p>
<p>My other problem is my H isn’t really even keeled emotionally. I’m never quite sure what will set him off and when. That makes for a really nasty entertaining experience. Easier to just pass.</p>
<p>We’ve gone to dinner at others houses on a few rare occasions, had fun but haven’t done it again and didn’t reciprocate-- our house isn’t really decorated or even really well kept, our dog ruined the carpets. I think my mom would be embarrassed.</p>
<p>Oh dear- I didn’t realize my daughter was on CC.
:o</p>
<p>Strangely enough, this thread is making me feel better. I always assumed my panic over inviting people to my house was some kind of shameful pathology, something I should consider therapy for.</p>
<p>Well, maybe it is, but I seem to be in good company.</p>
<p>So, those of you who have entertaining phobia (smile), HOW do you satisfy your need, whatever level that is, for company and friendship?</p>
<p>^^ Seriously, MissouriGal. Who knew?</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, I’m guessing you’re an extrovert. For an extrovert, I suppose an introvert’s anxieties would sound like excuses to be cleared away with strategies involving veggies trays and paper towels. But sryrstress is correct; we don’t experience pre-party nerves like you do. We experience stress to such a degree that we CAN’T be “genuinely happy” and welcoming. And I bet your jitters abate once the party is underway, right? Ours don’t. They continue until the guests start heading for the door. Still sound like fun?</p>
<p>I appreciate your well-meaning advice, but I think you really don’t understand why we non-reciprocators have so much trouble with this. We are different than you are, and we don’t want to become hostesses extraordinaire. We appreciate our friends who like to entertain, and we understand – really, we do – that it’s expensive and tiring to host a gathering. That’s why we offer to bring things and why we offer to help; we know it’s not enough, but it’s what we can do. We’re also grateful to those friends who don’t keep score and who accept us as we are, and who continue to invite us anyway. To me, that’s true hospitality. :)</p>
<p>HOW do you satisfy your need, whatever level that is, for company and friendship?
talking w the neighbors- block parties- very casual get togethers in the summer in the yard- during the winter we hunker down in our cave.</p>
<p>My parents liked to entertain at home, with our culture, our entertaining revolved around food, so it’s hard for me to think otherwise. I never realized it’s such a big deal or phobia for some people, but I guess it is, from what I am reading here.</p>
<p>All you need to have a good party is plenty of food and drinks, your guests would take care of the rest. I have to say that we’ve had few occassions when guests have behaved inappropriately. There was a couple who was going through a hard time, they decided to take out their aggression at our party. A guy had too much to drink, fell off the chair and broke it. Two guys got into a very heated discussion about “whether it’s more efficient to turn the heat down at night or keep it constant.” They came very close in calling each idiots. We were at a dinner party where a guy brought his wife, and also invited his mistress.</p>
<p>Another reason why I don’t like to entertain is that I am easily annoyed.
If I am someplace else I can always leave, but if a friend is holding court in my living room with a story that everyone already knows & doesn’t care about- I gnash my teeth.</p>
<p>We were at a dinner party where a guy brought his wife, and also invited his mistress.</p>
<p>Did he think it was a secret?</p>
<p>He thought it was, but we all knew. It was very embarrassing for the wife.</p>
<p>^ and the wife would stay…why? I would have high tailed it to the closest divorce attorney. (with cell pics of the event.)</p>