<p>Here’s the thing… if you are an introvert, wouldn’t you be just as unhappy as a guest as a host (maybe even less happy since if you are the host you can legitimately escape at times)?</p>
<p>I don’t buy that as an excuse at all. i am a relative introvert. I don;t love going to big parties with lots of new people. I love to give dinner parties with people I know and maybe am getting to know.</p>
<p>They are divorced now. She did very well financially. No one felt sorry for him.</p>
<p>My sister’s DH is an absolute wonderful cook and every year, for whatever special occasions (Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.) they always host our large family. My sister loves all the company and usually gets extra tables/chairs/dinner service plus all the very best food. Even though her house is always such a huge mess (see the thread on hoarders), she never seems to mind. She’ll just move over the piles and piles of papers and mail.</p>
<p>I always feel somewhat guilty that she has such expenses, but she rarely complains (I’ve been giving her some $$ which she appreciates, but I’m thinking I’m the only one). She’s a lively, magnanimous host and her house is perfect for entertaining (aside from the mess). I think that’s why we all gravitate to her place. Some people are great hosts; others, like me, just don’t have that skill.</p>
<p>oldfort, I’d like to be a fly on the wall at your get togethers.</p>
<p>I put off opening this thread, but wow - it’s so interesting! I’d never heard anyone explain why they don’t invite people over, so I’ve learned a lot. </p>
<p>We’re not major entertainers, but we have 2 or 3 couples over for dinner probably once a month. We have lists of people we should invite (for reciprocation), and those we love to invite, and we aim for a mix of both. A few people on the “should” list presents a problem; they tend to be people who have thrown fairly elaborate catered events, and it feels a little humble having them over to our indistinguished house for a home-cooked dinner. So I guess I can understand some of the comments above about the house or the dishes or the cooking skills not being quite up to par. But really, it never occurred to me that someone would actually not invite ME over because of those things! I figured a lack of reciprocity means they don’t really care for my company. </p>
<p>Look at it this way: everyone eats dinner, right? We all have dishes, and chairs, and know how to go to the grocery store. Unless you’ve recently been featured on Hoarders, most people are unlikely to judge you for the condition of your house. (Okay - cross posted with lima, and am glad to hear even this wouldn’t be a problem!)</p>
<p>For those who are reticent, I’d just like to encourage you to start small! Don’t think about it as a party, but as a dinner you’re going to make anyway, with maybe another course or two added to your normal routine. Invite just one couple, or a couple of single friends who may not get invited out that often by couples. Don’t plan it weeks in advance. If you keep it low-key, I would think the stress level would be lower. And even if you get a bit stressed, at least your house is probably going to end up cleaner :)</p>
<p>LasMa,</p>
<p>Actually, I’m quite introverted, but at the same time, I like people and I want to be part of civil society. I also wanted to raise my children in a lively household and expose them to a certain way of life, which includes entertaining. </p>
<p>To alleviate my (considerable) entertaining anxiety, I tend to invite smaller groups, and I always include a few very trusted friends who are good conversationalists - people I can count on to keep things rolling. That way I can focus on the food and the details. While it would probably be easiest to simply never have people over - less anxiety, work and bother, I don’t see this as a solution, but rather a “giving in” to my own deficiencies. </p>
<p>If you look at the source of most anxiety, it seems to come from the idea that guests will somehow “judge” us and find our home, food, company, whatever, to be subpar. And we can’t bear the thought of that so close to home, indeed, in our own homes. I’ll tell everyone that good and true friends WILL NOT do that, in fact, they will be honored and delighted to be invited into your home. </p>
<p>Like many things, the more you do it, the easier it does become. I would imagine that if I had not entertained in several years, it would become almost a source of terror. All I am suggesting is that people can stick a toe in and have a few friends over for a very low key night which may turn out to be enjoyable. However stressful planning a party may be, I’m always happy and invigorated afterward - and glad that I went to the trouble.</p>
<p>We don’t entertain at our home often. BUT, we do try to meet friends for lunches and dinners and events outside the home. We try to choose informal restaurants, or neighborhood events. Everyone buys their own, so they can limit (or not) their choices. It is relaxed, and no one feels the necessity to reciprocate. Plus, there is no pre or post cleaning (my favorite part). I’ve also asked to meet friends for a picnic lunch in a park on beautiful days. Inexpensive, wonderful views, relaxed.</p>
<p>So, to get to the other aspect of this, how do you all decide WHO to invite into your home?</p>
<p>I can guess that some choose to invite those whose company they enjoy. Period?</p>
<p>I can suggest a number of other possible categories:
the “musts”- work or kid-related
the reciprocations
the ones we are comfortable with, a la judging our house, our food, etc.
the ones we are intrigued with or want to get to know better
friends we want to introduce to other friends
networking for a goal, say a job
friends who always make having the gathering easier or more fun</p>
<p>I have often wondered, however, at the way some really use their parties and doorways to their homes as a special line for those they consider “worthy”-- has anyone encountered this??? !!</p>
<p>Work related or networking invites are almost always at a restaurant - neutral location, no stress or cooking. I do numerous Little League and other sports-related parties at my house - the swimming pool seems to obligate us to host most of them, which I don’t mind and the kids have a good time. Many times the parents stay, but most are pretty sociable and it ends up being enjoyable. I’ve had team parents tell me later, “you throw quite a party,” which is funny given that it’s a kid’s party. I have a feeling that many people don’t entertain at home and people don’t go to very many at home parties.</p>
<p>Otherwise, I always invite a few old, trusted friends - those who pitch in to help, know where my dishes are stored, etc. I would never schedule a party without ensuring the attendance ahead of time with a few of these people (this is my main anxiety reducer). Then, I like to include new friends or acquaintances whom I think may enjoy meeting other people or who I would like to get to know better. </p>
<p>I do think that it’s okay to reciprocate with a restaurant dinner, if that is what feels more comfortable. And I don’t think that every invitation needs to be reciprocated.</p>
<p>I can only speak to my reticence, no one else’s. I am not an introvert and I have no problems interacting with large crowds or one-on-one. Viscerally, I DO think people are judging me on the appearance of my home, no matter how much I may be able to accept intellectually that some people may not be doing so.</p>
<p>Some people may just need a little encouragement to entertain, and suggestions might help them. However, for me, and perhaps others, it is like telling me not to be afraid of heights, or tight spaces. (“Just peek over the edge. It’s not so bad…”) Trust me, I wouldn’t feel this way if I could help it, because it has created some awkward situations.</p>
<p>I just try to be a good friend to people in other ways, and to support them in their efforts. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. I try to be forgiving of my friends’ idiosyncrasies and I hope they can forgive mine.</p>
<p>I am thinking that if you are a non-reciprocator, you should not stop attending, there must be some reason why they enjoy your company and keep inviting you. Your presence would be missed. Instead of giving up, find a different way to give back so that after years of entertaining your friends feel appreciated. Instead of throwing a party, can you treat those hosts in some other way? Something that is representative of you and fits your budget as well as what is available in your area? </p>
<p>Organise an outing and pay for the host- movies, a show, comedy club, whatever there is in your area? Take the host or hostess out for a one on one thing-just coffee or something indulgent like a pedicure, etc? Offer to send in a house cleaner the morning before or after the next party or, if you are close friends, offer to come over earlier in the day before a shindig and help clean? It all depends on the level of what is done in your area. There have to be things which can be done in all budgets which can take the place of inviting them over for dinner/party. And of course it depends on the number of events and number of years you’ve been going.</p>
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<p>I hope you didn’t mean this to be as insulting as it sounds…</p>
<p>I’m probably giving the impression that I’m an antisocial hermit, and I’m not. We do have people over, for dinners and for overnight stays – but we don’t enjoy it and so we do it much less frequently than some. This thread is opening my eyes to the fact that some of my friends may resent me for that. I’m sorry, but I can’t help the fact that having people in my home is draining and if it goes on too long, really unpleasant. I begin to feel invaded. Does that make me uncivil?</p>
<p>I think the people who know me would say that I’m enjoyable to be around; I make a real effort to be pleasant, interesting, and engaging. But that’s the point – it’s an effort, a big one. I’m willing to make it for long stretches of time, when I’m at work, out with friends, at friends’ homes, and in my own home when visitors are here. But it is always a strain.</p>
<p>EK, I think you put your finger on it for me. It’s a matter of control. If I’m at someone else’s place, I decide when the party is over for me. If people are in my house, they decide, and some people like to party much longer than I do.</p>
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<p>This thread has been great and has made me realize some important things (like those who entertain might feel slighted when it’s not reciprocated) but I do think it’s important to realize that people can contribute to relationships in other significant ways that don’t include entertaining. For example, I have a good friend who hosts a lot of get togethers. We have them over occasionally or out to dinner or a movie but certainly not as often as they have us over. It’s not that we’re not including them in our social life, we just tend to be home-bodies and don’t entertain often (and, yes, I am a major introvert). OTOH, I do way more favors for this friend than she does for me. I watch their dog frequently, pick up their mail/newspapers. Use to run her kids around a lot, etc. I take her to pick up her car from the shop. Just a lot of things and I don’t mind at all. We like each other’s company obviously or we wouldn’t be friends but the way I look at it she contributes more on the social side (she’s very good about including us) and I contribute more in other ways.</p>
<p>I have yet to have any formal gathering. I do not own fine china . I DO however have an extensive collection of platters and serving bowls…and come to think of it, seating…Our backyard has taken on a life of it’s own as we have designed it for gatherings. Last year , we made a project that included a built in grill bar with custom made rustic stools to seat 8. Then there are two picknick tables that could seat up to 16 more. Then there are adirondack chairs in groups with tables.
There is a large open air roof so that even if it rains or is hot, one can escape under fans. A few months ago, I posted a picture on facebook for a friend who wanted to see people’s grill set ups and I was surprised at how many people commented on it. It isn’t fancy or pretentious , but inviting and comfortable . When I went to my high school reunion , a lot of people made remarks about coming to my home.
And we really DO like to entertain…I too get anxious and really don’t mean to seem like I am keeping score at all…and I agree with the posters that say that if I invite you , I really do want your company and not expecting anything …I think I am just feeling a little overwhelmed about having two straight weeks of it…now, back to the kitchen ;)</p>
<p>LasMa,</p>
<p>I was referring to how I feel, not presuming anyone else would feel the same way. Certainly, no insult is intended!</p>
<p>Excuses are like smiles – everybody has one. 
I read one person on here who said something like, “Well my friend does the entertaining because she has a housekeeper every other week”. Really?! Not a cool excuse to never reciprocate.</p>
<p>I sympathize with the rare case of debilitating anxiety, but despite reading every single post I cannot find one acceptable excuse for never reciprocating. There is always SOMETHING you can do to entertain in return, and I don’t mean running an errand or bringing a dish. This also isn’t about anyone keeping score, because entertaining is a labor of love. It’s just about being nice. Everyone likes to get invited back, so why not do that for people who have done it for you?</p>
<p>Even for those suffering from true clinical anxiety, there are still options to entertain people in return (perhaps just to a picnic in the park that you cater)? So many great ideas have been presented here, so even if it is like a fear of spiders or heights, there are still ways to get around that where you do something simple outside of your home. </p>
<p>For those who do not have five-star entertaining phobia, I say get out of your own head and have people over. Realize that most frequent hostesses suffer from the very same concerns and challenges that you face when entertaining. It’s a one in a million person who does it with one hand tied behind the back. It is hard work, and everyone should take a turn unless there is something really extreme going on. </p>
<p>I think the non-entertainers should step out of their comfort zones. Show some love <3 for the people who have spent years scrubbing fingerprints off their walls, trudging through five-hour shopping trips for food, beverages, votives, and paper goods, cleaning up the grill, getting the property in shape, keeping little mess makers in check (and redoing many chores when that fails), enjoying everyone’s company with aching bones, and then cleaning up after all of it the next day.</p>
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<p>You choose to do all of these things. I must make the same choice? </p>
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<p>Sure sounds like score-keeping to me.</p>
<p>Look, some enjoy entertaining, some do not. No one is requiring you to do all that hard work – it’s fun for you, and more power to you! But does that mean I’m required to do that same thing when it is decidedly NOT fun for me?</p>
<p>The non-entertainers are not telling the entertainers that they’re wrong and need to get over it. Can’t you extend the same courtesy to us? Unless you feel we’re really terrible people, in which case – you should probably scratch us off your invite list anyway. :)</p>
<p>Yes, I can see how it would sound like keeping score to you. I can see how you would call it that, and why you would prefer for no one to notice who does all the entertaining (since you have described yourself as one who prefers not to do it). To me, it is not keeping score, it is about being nice.</p>
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No, I think you should just keep being a guest and let others entertain you. Do whatever it is that feels comfortable for you (which is what you have been doing).</p>
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No, I cannot extend that courtesy to you. You came here to participate in a chat about an intriguing topic, and you heard the skinny from both sides which is the way things work. I invite who I want to invite. A lot reciprocate, a few do not. Of the latter, all are interesting (and fun and lovable) and I choose to give them a pass. That is my prerogative, as it is the prerogative of whoever it is that keeps inviting you over without an invite back. Maybe you are incredibly fun and interesting, and your hosts do not care. Whatever. You are free to choose what you want to do, as am I.</p>
<p>I think it’s also become more challenging to host people these days with all the dietary restrictions, allergies and so on. I had one major holiday where I had to accommodate vegans, vegetarians, gluten free, nut and fruit allergy, no carb people, and the traditionalists. I enjoy entertaining and cooking in general, but have to admit, that was a lot of work, even with several people offering to supplement with a dish they could eat. </p>
<p>Within the last month I’ve had a lot of company - two times I didn’t know ahead of time that a guest was a vegetarian( because they didn’t want me to fuss). It was easier than the week I knew ahead of time that my guests were strict vegans, as much as I wanted them there. It wasn’t actually hard at all, just unfamiliar ingredients and a learning curve. I do think this is just one more contributing factor for some people, though.</p>
<p>I also agree that some people are intimidated by the idea of competing. Thanks to the proliferation of online tutorials, the popularity of the Food Network, and vastly improved cooking equipment, accessibility of ingredients etc. there are just more great cooks out there. A book club of mine almost disintegrated when it became more of a gourmet club. To some people it wasn’t a big deal to put out a big spread, but for others it was.</p>
<p>Well this does look like a good time for me to make MY admission (smile).</p>
<p>I am confortable entertaining but I am LESS comfortable/used to doing the OTHER things that friends do for each other: rides, shopping, favors, unasked for but welcome things, etc.
So I plan to work on THAT!</p>
<p>On this thread I have been shown and reminded that there are ways of being nice that I could do more often, that I do not think of often enough, that may be a bit out of my own comfort zone.
So thanks all!</p>
<p>So, what experiences have you all had with BOOK CLUBS, good and bad? What works, what does not? [should I start a new thread?]How are members invited in/is the club created? Is there always food served? How are the locations decided??</p>
<p>Anyone have good or bad experiences with other types of activity groups that meet in your homes??</p>