<p>Is there a big difference having overnight visitors versus entertaining for an evening, in terms of the anxiety it produces? </p>
<p>We end up hosting people overnight quite often, the kids’ university friends know they can stay here if need be, the kids bring friends, friends & family from far away have an open invite to stay over as we live in a corridor of nice places to visit. Happy to have you spend the night, but it has become a bit awkward at times when people staying here (often to make it an affordable trip) don’t leave the house enough. I had one couple who planned to stay the night on the coming & going ends of their trip, then head farther away for a few days in between. They changed their plan and stayed at our home every night and the day they went to a destination 4+ hours away, they still came back that night. It was a bit odd, but the change of plans with the most difficult part. We had planned meals and purchased food assuming X number of meals, then they were there for more dinners & breakfasts and we had to come up with both the time to sit and visit and the food to feed them. We live far from town so grocery runs take planning and when we are entertaining it takes time away from other responsibilities. </p>
<p>It was fine to visit, but stressful to adjust to the change and a serious imposition to simply be there, in our house, for nearly a week. Because we have a home office people seem to expect us to interact with them far more than if we left the building at 7AM and came back at 6PM.</p>
<p>You think my friends don’t notice who throws the parties? They know that I’m not an entertainer. Fortunately, reciprocal hosting is not the only thing they value in a friend. </p>
<p>Yesterday a friend (an entertainer) emailed me a long paper she’s written, asking if I’d edit it for her. I’ve done this several times, and since I want to do a thorough and careful job for her, it takes me many hours – maybe even as many hours as it takes for you to put together a party. Here’s our unspoken agreement: She throws parties because she enjoys it and she’s good at it. I edit papers because I enjoy it and I’m good at it. Neither of us thinks the other is wrong, and neither thinks the other is not “nice.” We respect the other’s differences, and appreciate the other’s talents. :)</p>
<p>funny–but I prefer to be the hostess as then I am in control-- when I am the guest I have no control. Even when to leave, really, because you have to wait until the evening feels done. Unless we are discussing larger parties. I am not a fan of large gatherings in general. Dislike chit chat. Best size group is 8.
I do hope those of you who not reciprocate will still accept invitations. You would not be invited back if your hosts did not find you enjoyable and that you bring something special to the table. As for saying that entertaining costs so much…well, it just does. There is no getting around it. I have just decided that friendships and memories are more important than the money. And when feeling tight I make it a dessert/drinks party.
One little thing that I always appreciate is a quick phone call or email the morning after saying nice things about the evening. I try to remember to do that myself when I’ve been a guest.
Also, I doubt many of us set a formal table. I did when I was young --I had fun with it–but began realizing that others felt uncomfortable. I make my tables informal and fun. I believe soft lighting, especially unscented candles, is the most important thing–not the food and not the dishes–for others to feel comfortable.
About once a year we have a store bought pizza/paper plate party and every food is purchased. Just as much fun as any other get together.</p>
<p>Was the member of one book club where people took turns hosting it at their homes and serving lunch (a few members each month signed up to bring stuff and help serve/clean). I didn’t really mind the lunch part (I even hosted it my home a few times) but I ended quitting after a few years because many women came for the lunch but didn’t bother to read the book. A great source of frustration for the few of us who did read the book.</p>
<p>I currently belong to a book club that meets at the local coffeehouse. I like this format much better…the emphasis is on the book, not food and drinks. There are 6-10 ‘regulars’ and then probably 15 people who show up about 1-2 years (usually the once a year someone hosts a Christmas luncheon at their home ). Have never understood why people belong to groups but don’t bother to show-up.</p>
<p>My only frustration with this club is they seem to only like to read books that are easy to read - they don’t like anything remotely literary. I made the mistake early on in recommending some books that had won numerous awards but they hated them all. But it is a nice group of women and the books are easy to read…I often start them a few days before our meeting and have no trouble finishing it.</p>
<p>Usually people are invited by others in the book club. The biggest complain about holding meetings in someone’s home is people aren’t always great about RSVP, which makes it hard on the hostess to plan for food and drinks.</p>
<p>I’m in a Ladies Game Night group. The woman who started it up (kind of a Queen Bee) invited her friends first, and the group now has about 6-8 regulars. Two of these regulars have never hosted. The rest of us rotate on a schedule of about every other month. The person who hosts cleans the house, cooks the entree and does drinks, sets the table and brings out the game. Others bring sides, appetizers, wine, etc. (Interestingly, the non-hosters are the first to offer chips or store-bought rolls to share.) Money is NOT an issue. When asked point blank if they would pick a month and host, they basically said they will never host because they’re “not in a place in their lives” to do so. At that point, I was ready to stop inviting them, but they’re really Queen Bee’s friends so anytime I’ve mentioned that maybe we could break out a calendar and ask EVERYONE to pick a month and host at her home…it goes nowhere.</p>
<p>It’s really starting to get to me. I should probably drop out, but I do enjoy seeing the others.</p>
<p>Spideygirl–
I appreciate you making a concession for my five-star phobia, but I’d rather just suffer my sentence of burning shame with the rest of the selfish slackers. Thanks anyway.</p>
<p>I was organising meals for a friend who is having surgery, I asked one of the women in the group which day would prefer and her answer, “I am not sure I will do it, I don’t really cook”</p>
<p>All I could think was, sheesh, pick up a Costco meal and a bag of salad, the friend is having surgery with little kids, help her out. But maybe I was too harsh, perhaps she simply cannot think that way?</p>
<p>I belong to a group of moms (8-10) that meet once month for a dinner out. For about 10 years. New restaurant every month. Bill is split evenly no matter what you ate, we all drink a fair amount and we’re big tippers.
I actually feel a little guilty about the mom who has CONSISTENTLY made the reservations and sent the emails to all of us. But she very organized… maybe I’ll ask her if she wants to give it up for a year.</p>
<p>Regarding ‘meal delivery when you have surgery.’ I have specifically asked my friends never to do this for me in the case of such unfortunate event. Now, THAT would make me nervous with all that food around.</p>
<p>I participate in a book club that meets once a month at a coffeehouse. The book provides a structure to talk about ideas- sometimes we discuss the book a great deal, other times not.</p>
<p>Occasionally I will go to a play or a show with others beside my H or my kids.
I help at fundraisers that are held at local restaurants. I attend local talks at town hall.
I am friendly with my neighbors & communicate on Facebook with friends who are outside the area.</p>
<p>That pretty much meets my desire to be around other people.
I can’t stand to be a guest or host where I feel like anyone is eating or drinking too much.
I get annoyed when people make racist/sexist/classist comments, I am jealous/bored when they mention their latest exotic vacation and am embarrassed when they spend the evening sharing their children’s private life.</p>
<p>I don’t think I make very good company cause I don’t know how to make small talk & I feel shallow when I try.</p>
<p>I * do * enjoy myself when invited to dinner parties if they are with people I don’t know well or rarely see. With everyone else I feel like I have run out of conversation.</p>
<p>That’s actually pretty funny. OK, it’s your choice. If the burning shame becomes too much of a burden, you can still use the five-star phobia excuse whenever you want.</p>
<p>We’re all so different. When any of us have had medical issues. only VERY close friends/family would think of bringing food and know our tastes and us well enough to be sure it was something desired rather than a burden. It is sweet that you are trying to help out someone having surgery and I’m sure those who aren’t comfortable with offering food may think of other ways of being helpful.</p>
<p>I do NOT have company in my home very often but am generous in other ways–of my time and talents, treating others to meals out, and having a FEW very close friends stay in our home for pre-agreed visits. I can’t imagine having folks stay 2+ weeks and expect you to provide food & maid service. That has never been what I offer or expect in or as a houseguest.</p>
<p>Setting rules/boundaries you and others can live comfortably with seems the key to happy visits. I know it’s easier said than done, but it has served us well. :)</p>
<p>I wonder if the bringing food thing is a regional culture thing? A friend broke her ankle and co-workers brought food about 3x a week for the first month, it was a lifesaver for her to know her family was cared for. The group of friends I am approaching all exercise together so there is a certain healthy lifestyle connection, hopefully the food will be equally healthy.</p>
<p>*I like to have 8-10 people for dinner. It’s not too many, but creates livelier conversation. H doesn’t make it too complicated. He’ll do a main course (roasted chickens, beef), starch, few vegs, and a large salad.
*</p>
<p>I, too, like inviting several couples for dinner.</p>
<p>When we were first married, we would make the mistake of inviting one couple at a time. More than once we got a phone call within an hour of the even with a story…(child sick, too tired after working in the yard, tired from golfing, etc). It was very frustrating because of all the work that had been done…shopping, preparing, cleaning the house, etc. The “too tired from golfing” excuse really ticked me off because this was one of H’s golf partners! H had been bugging me to invite this guy/wife, so we did…and then they cancel at the last minute! Never invited them again. lol).</p>
<p>After a few of those incidents, we began inviting a few couples at a time…that way if one pulls a last minute cancellation…the event isn’t ruined. </p>
<p>I can understand the “sick kid” issue, but the “I’m tired after working in the yard” and “I’m too tired after a day on the golf course” excuses annoyed me. I don’t wear myself out during the day if I have a social commitment that night. And, last minute cancellations really need to be for serious excuses simply out of respect for the plans/effort that involved.</p>
<p>I can understand not wanting to see someone become blind drunk, but do you really notice when someone overeats? How would you know? How much is too much food in a social setting? I don’t think that I’ve ever noticed that someone has eaten too much…perhaps become tipsy, sure…</p>
<p>I guess it depends on the family & individuals involved. I have extended family (sibs & parents) who live within a short drive of our house. When I had just had each baby, my mom would visit me EVERY M-F for the 1st 30 days (when according to custom you’re not supposed to leave the house as a new mom) and bring over food. A few others brought food perhaps once or twice, but that was about it. I did appreciate mom bringing food & chatting, but it we would have been OK without it as well, as we do live near a lot of stores & restaurants (all of them have thriving takeout business).</p>
<p>I think in HI, many of us have extended family nearby, so maybe it isn’t done as much (bringing & organizing food). We do customarily bring food or something when we visit or are invited for a meal.</p>
<p>I have brought food/did errands when a friend was ill.
One teacher of D’s remarked that she gained weight during chemotherapy because of all the food that the parents group brought. :)</p>
<p>No I don’t like buffets, I am always cognizant of how much food there is, and of people who seem to be taking more than their share. </p>
<p>When we were new parents, we were late to a family Thanksgiving dinner because we underestimated traffic/weather & while everyone was still seated at the dinner table when we arrived- pretty much all the food was gone & it must have made a lasting impression on me.
Maybe as a result, I now always eat before I go out, I have food sensitivities and am fairly picky as well so I don’t expect to eat much. ( this would be to a buffet style party, at a dinner party I try to be less obtrusive and find something I can eat)</p>