<p>My D and her boyfriend have a long distance relationship. She goes to a college 6 hours away. My D wants to spend the last 4 days of her fall break at her boyfriend’s. They’ve been dating for 6 months. My H and I like the boy. He rents a house off campus with a couple of friends. I just don’t think her staying with him is appropriate. But a part of me feels that I should just let go. She’s done very well in school so far and has her head straight with her career. What would you do?</p>
<p>sooner or later you will have to let go</p>
<p>Trust her judgement.</p>
<p>Once they are in college, we’d just have to let go whether we like their decisions or not.</p>
<p>How old is she? If she is a junior or senior in college, she probably has the maturity to take care of herself.</p>
<p>If their relationship is six months old, one can asssume they have been sleeping together already. While you might prefer a more idyllic romantic scenario (engagement, ring, marriage, then sex) that might not be realistic or practical.</p>
<p>Perhaps you can counsel mutual respect, mutual love, and solid protection, to help her navigate this territory. Good luck to all.</p>
<p>Is she a freshman or a senior?</p>
<p>She is a young junior…still 19 years old…but has always been very mature for her age. I just wish she would graduate and turn 21 already…then I can feel better letting her go.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t want to spend 4 days in a house with guys she doesn’t know, maybe the boyfriend can find a group of girls who live nearby that will let her crash with them.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t call you a prude- but you need to trust yourself and your parenting skills.
As long as she is not asking you to foot the bill for something that goes against your judgement- I think you can hope she has a good time- even while you can admit that it bothers you a bit.</p>
<p>Twenty one isn’t a magic number- and while 19 is young I know ( my daughter went to India recently at 18 and it was tough- for me), as long as you feel that they are relatively responsible and mature- it is good practice for greater responsibilities down the road.</p>
<p>at this point she will have already decided many things, including whether to be sexually involved or not. I’m thinking back to 1977 here…most of my friends who were in serious relationships had had “the talk” with the significant other about where their relationship was going. The best thing you can do is trust her, and maybe have a conversation like fauve suggests.</p>
<p>I think its great that you care about her welfare at her age. But if she is over 18, it really is, and ought to be her decision. It wouldn’t hurt to give her some kind advice without strings attached if you haven’t already, however. The issues of birth control, having sex only when she wants to, and protecting her reputation come to mind.</p>
<p>Working backwards here, is this a summer romance that turned into a long distance relationship? It’s only six months old, and my thought is that it might be too much togetherness.</p>
<p>I would make sure she has enough cash to have some options. </p>
<p>As a female college student from the 70s, now a mom of boys, I cannot imagine the male college student living situation that would be comfortable (would have been comfortable) for more than overnight. Having the cash to take the boyfriend out to dinner, at the least or leave early and spend the night in a hotel at the most would be make me more comfortable as the mom.</p>
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<p>Good idea.</p>
<p>It’s remotely possible – especially if the boyfriend’s housemates are all male – that she might find herself in an uncomfortable situation and would welcome the chance to go to a motel (with or without her boyfriend).</p>
<p>However, I think this is very unlikely. Today’s college students are accustomed to opposite-sex guests, and many who live off campus share houses or apartments with opposite-sex friends (who may or may not be romantic partners). The early years of college, when most people live in co-ed dorms, seem to make students pretty relaxed about the concept of people of both sexes being around at all hours of the day and night. And a guy would have to be pretty stupid to harass or annoy his housemate’s girlfriend – after all, he has to live with that housemate for the rest of the year.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, it’s always good to have options.</p>
<p>At least she is being straightforward with you about her plans. That shows some maturity on her part. I hate to admit it but when I was that age, I more than once went to visit my bf (now DH) in his college town but led my Mom to believe I was staying with a good friend from h.s. who attended DH’s college. Dh lived in an apt. w/ 2 other guys who also had gf’s that practically lived there on weekends. </p>
<p>S1 lived in a junky, dumpy seriously gross old house with 3 guys last yr. One had a serious gf at a different sch. She was at S1’s house every weekend and didn’t seem to mind the grossness of ManLand one bit. They were all 21 but same scenario. </p>
<p>I know it feels weird to give “permission” for her to do something that you prob. warned her not to do her whole life. The thing is, she’s prob. going to do it anyway. This way, at least if you can talk about being safe, having money to come home if things go badly or she feels uncomfortable there,etc. which is better than lies,secrets and hard feelings between you and your D.</p>
<p>I also think that the fact that she’s sharing this with you shows maturity. Assuming you have discussed all the ramifications of a relationship with her, then I think you need to let it go now. </p>
<p>My mother’s attitude was just not to ask, but also not to discuss. It wasn’t a good method. I wish she had told me my options and how she felt. I also wish she had discussed the practicalities.</p>
<p>“As a female college student from the 70s, now a mom of boys, I cannot imagine the male college student living situation that would be comfortable (would have been comfortable) for more than overnight. Having the cash to take the boyfriend out to dinner, at the least or leave early and spend the night in a hotel at the most would be make me more comfortable as the mom.”</p>
<p>Another female college student from the 70s, mom of sons.</p>
<p>I know current women college students who spend time visiting male friends whom they aren’t sexually involved with. I think this generation is even more comfortable with these kind of situations than my groundbreaking generation was.</p>
<p>The only thing my young women friends complain about is the fact that the guys aren’t neat. In fact, many live in quarters that women would describe as disgustingly filthy. That’s a reason that one of my friends said she’ll never stay with one of her male platonic friends again.</p>
<p>As for the OP’s D, 6 months is a long relationship for a college student. They are likely sexually involved and probably have been for a while. It is highly unlikely she’ll run into any problems with her boyfriend’s roommates. They are probably very used to having girlfriends of roommates spend time there. In fact, there may be one or two such women virtually living there.</p>
<p>The advice to have $ for a back-up is good, and is always good advice when venturing off with friends – female friends as well as male friends. It’s always good to have the $ to take care of oneself if things don’t work out.</p>