<p>So I am currently attending school as an English major, and I have a family member who is getting married out of state. This person is getting married right in the middle of midterm time next semester, and the other day I called her and explained that while I would love to attend her wedding, there is no way I can miss class. Even if there will not be a midterm during that time, there will probably be a review or something to that extent. This is my first semester of college, so I’m not sure what each professor’s policy is on missing exams (I know each is different), but I really can’t imagine that missing a midterm, or even a lecture or regular exam for that matter, will fly over too well.</p>
<p>When I explained all of this to her, she called me a nasty name, stated I was being selfish, said that I knew about this wedding a year in advance and should have no excuse for not attending, and hung up on me. My question is, what would anyone else do in this situation? I am very serious about school and do not want to miss class for any reason. I was even sick a couple of weeks ago with a bad fever and I still went to class. My education is important to me and I don’t want to risk missing something important to attend a wedding.</p>
<p>Am I being selfish? Or am I right in putting my education first, even if it means my family member hates me? This is not an immediate family member, by the way.</p>
<p>No, your cousin is the one being selfish. You should do what is best for you (which in this case is going to class). She’s probably just being a bridezilla and will eventually get over it. If she doesn’t, then it doesn’t seem like much of a loss.</p>
<p>First, you were being selfish by going to class sick. No one else wants your germs and maybe others had to miss class. </p>
<p>Second, while I don’t agree with your family member’s reaction, I do think you could at least talk to your professor about the possibility of missing a lecture or rescheduling an exam. Usually it’s official policy not to accomodate something like a wedding, but I would guess most professors are understanding, if it’s feasible for them to make adjustments to you without too much inconvenience to themselves.</p>
<p>Third, in my opinion, prioritizing academics in college should not mean that you won’t miss a class for any reason. You can put your education first AND still miss some classes here and there or work around studying. I never missed a class for a leisure activity, and I think I graduated missing a total of under 10 classes all 4 years, but there were times when the marginal benefit of attending a single lecture was outweighed by the marginal cost of missing something else (if you can’t guess, I majored in Econ). </p>
<p>I would also argue that learning to balance your academics up WHILE missing a class here and there is a more valuable skill/lesson than attending every single lecture. Learning how to “make up” what’s missed here and there is certainly something that I think is valuable to learn, even if it’s not necessarily reflected in your GPA.</p>
<p>And my verdict? If you choose to go to class instead of the wedding, that’s not being selfish in my opinion.</p>
<p>I understand, but I don’t see how missing a class for a wedding would be a valid excuse. I’ve talked to the professors I’m taking right now, and they told me that while they would not mind if I weren’t there, I would not be able to make up something missed, especially a midterm (I told them my predicament and they told me what their policy would be). A wedding is nothing more than a glorified party in my opinion. It is not really something that one has to attend, unlike a funeral. They also told me they know quite a few colleagues in the school who have the same policy.</p>
<p>I apologize for being selfish while going to class with a fever.</p>
<p>I never said I thought missing a class for a wedding is a valid excuse; at least it’s not one where the professor has any obligation to put effort into giving you make-up materials. If you’ve already talked to your professors and aren’t comfortable with what you’d be missing, then don’t go to the wedding. Most of my professors I think had a policy where if you missed one exam, you didn’t get a “0”, but your other exams gained a heavier weight. Personally, I would never do this. Have you found out for sure that the mid-term will conflict with the wedding? You can probably at least learn that from the professor. If it were me, I’d be willing to miss review/normal lecture for a wedding. Just taking a guess at the type of student you appear to be, I’d guess you’d end up preparing more for your exam than you otherwise would have to “make up” for missing class.</p>
<p>I would also say a wedding is more than a glorified party. In my family at least, I’ve found them to be among the best family gatherings of shared joy. I enjoy supporting my family as they begin an important step in their lives. That said, I’ve missed weddings because of school too and sometimes you can’t “do it all.”</p>
<p>To be honest, I think you’re both being pretty immature. </p>
<p>When is the wedding? The majority are on weekends. Is hers in the middle of the week? If so, that’s pretty immature and inconsiderate of her. If it’s on a weekend, why can’t you fly out Friday night and then return Sunday afternoon? That way you’re not missing any classes. </p>
<p>However, I think it’s pretty immature to put your education above ALL else, including family, health, and the health of others. Your education can be very important to you without it being the only thing in life that matters. Part of growing up is realizing that there are no absolutes. Professors are people. They will understand. Yes, it’s not good to miss an exam but I’ve never encountered one who won’t work with you if you give them plenty of notice ahead of time. As for going when you’re sick, NO ONE wants you there. Trust me. Professors would rather you stay home than come and infect them. They have families too. They don’t want to bring your germs home to their kids. </p>
<p>In general, I’m not a huge fan of weddings. I just went to my cousin’s last weekend (a cousin I haven’t seen in years) and I realized that the wedding wasn’t what was important, it was being with my family. They didn’t particularly care about the wedding itself, they just wanted everyone together. There are only 10 people TOTAL on that side of the family (including spouses and all that) and we were able to all sit together and enjoy the welcoming of a new family member. A wedding is not a glorified party, it’s a welcoming of someone new to the family and a way to spend what precious little time you have with people that care about you- even if that’s not the bride and groom. </p>
<p>If you really can’t make up a midterm, well then that’s that. You have to stay. However, missing the wedding just to go to a lecture is just plain dumb IMO. Ask someone for notes.</p>
<p>Whether you really can miss a class, or a mid-term, is up to you. You have to decide what you’re comfortable with. You may have known about the wedding a year in advance but there is no way you could change your college’s mid-term schedule if you knew about it 5 years in advance. </p>
<p>No matter what the bride thinks of your excuse, she should accept it gracefully. She’s not the one taking mid-terms and it’s not her decision. She has no more business making those decisions for you than you would if you told her what wedding dress to choose. </p>
<p>She’s the one being a bridezilla. Even if you were thinking of talking to professors, working it out, etc., after her reaction, I woudn’t bother.</p>
<p>Looking back from a longer perspective than you have at 18 or 19, family is MUCH more important than missing one day of classes. Even cousins, IMHO. They will be part of your life (hopefully) for years after you have forgotten every scrap you leaned in class that day and what your final grades are in the class.</p>
<p>Let your professors know well in advance that you have a family commitment, will be gone, and see what you will be missing. Get notes from someone else, turn in any assignment or take any tests before you leave if possible. The wedding happens once…</p>
<p>Adult life is all about learning to balance things. You have had plenty of notice on the date of this event. You are also of an age where you can TELL your professors you are going to miss, not ask their permission.</p>
<p>Besides the costs of missing classes (or preparations for midterms), can you <em>afford</em> to attend? Between a gift, plane fare, lodging and meals, that could add up to a pretty penny. You also have to factor in how much travel time is involved, whether you drive, a family member picks you up, etc.</p>
<p>A gracious bride would understand that sometimes folks just can’t attend, and that it’s not all about her.</p>
<p>being serous now: if you want family time, there are plenty of ways such as thanksgiving and xmas. It’s a wedding, not a bone marrow transplant. There’s nothing to feel bad about.</p>
<p>Boy, I disagree. That is what family is for… to witness and celebrate your big events in life. I think that is more important than seeing them at the holidays that happen every year (although those are also great opportunities to reconnect). So things that (hopefully) only happen once like weddings, graduations, etc. are important. Just like standing with your family when something bad happens is important. Families are people whose presence will long outstrip almost every other person or activity in your life.</p>
<p>I 100% agree with romanigypsyeyes - I think you’re being a little bit immature. I’m also assuming her wedding is on the weekend and you can make it without missing any class if you want to. Now if you don’t want to go, don’t go, but don’t use class as an excuse unless her wedding’s on a weekday and you have a midterm scheduled that day.</p>
<p>And I hated when students came to class sick. Don’t get me sick! Stay home and nurse that fever, otherwise you come back with something even worse, and possibly end up missing more class.</p>
<p>You’ve already told her your decision and she behaved very badly. So now, send her a nice gift (whatever you can afford from her registry) with a gracious card a few weeks before the wedding, saying how sorry you are to miss the special day. That’s it. The rest is up to her.</p>
<p>In the future, though, you should politely decline to attend an event without giving a reason. This is perfectly acceptable etiquette. The host/honoree doesn’t need to know why you can’t come, as long as you decline graciously. In my experience, giving an excuse or reason sometimes makes it worse, because you put the host in the position of judging your reason, and yourself in the position of defending it, as you just found out for yourself. The gracious “no” is as important as anything you’re going to learn in that Lit class.</p>
<p>No one sits on their death bed and says “boy, I really wish I wouldn’t have missed that class!” Just something to think about. </p>
<p>Also, holidays and such are nice but they’re so rare and you always have to make choices. Do I go with this side of the family or that? What if work interferes? Etc. IMO, these are the opportunities that should be taken advantage of. Maybe it’s just because I’m on borrowed time with my parents (they both had injuries/illnesses that SHOULD have killed them) but I am grateful for all the time I can spend with my extended family.</p>
ok, you’re right. Better to take advise from someone with experience on this. My extended family is overseas. I missed basically everything since I was 9, and my parents aren’t exactly level minded when it comes to family matter. I guess this is something I’m just used to. Last time I went back was 07, and I had a really hard time leaving.</p>
<p>I think some are getting a little too into the “Put family first!” perspective. First of all, this is a cousin, not a parent or a sibling. Not that a cousin isn’t important, but OP doesn’t mention being particularly close to her. Also, it’s a wedding. Weddings are typically huge events, and while I’m sure OP will be missed, it’s not like the bride won’t have anyone there to celebrate her special day. Usually at least a few people on the guest list have to decline a wedding invitation anyway. Our lives are busy, and we can’t be at every family member’s wedding, graduation, and birthday party. It’s not like the OP is going to start skipping all family events just because she has to sit this one out. </p>
<p>Honestly, it’s up to you to determine whether or not you’ll be able to miss class. It’s sort of unclear when this wedding is - is it in the middle of midterm week? Before? After? How long will it take you to get to and from the place of the wedding? Are you driving or flying? Can you afford the time and the money? If you’ve considered those things and decided that it’ll be too stressful to go, then you’re not being selfish. You’re sacrificing a lot for your college career, and it’s going to affect your future, so sometimes it needs to be given the first priority. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about family. </p>
<p>Also, MassMomm’s advice was spot on. Despite her acting like a horrid bridezilla, it’d be a good idea to still send a gift and a card and apologize for not being able to attend.</p>
<p>I hope people don’t get the wrong impression from my post. I understand weddings can be big events and missing a lecture shouldn’t be a big deal. But I failed to mention that I am on a full scholarship and must maintain a certain GPA to keep it. I don’t want to risk something as important as that.</p>
<p>Despite that, she still doesn’t understand. I tried calling her to see if we could have a civilized conversation about it, but she won’t answer my calls. I tried to work my schedule around it, but there’s really no way I could. The wedding is a 3 hour plane flight away.</p>
<p>I understand I may be acting a bit selfish and immature, but my scholarship is important to me.</p>