Am I wrong or is she being irrational?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello, I’m currently a senior in high school and I have always been a good student and obedient daughter. I’ve always maintained mostly A’s, never snuck out/ drank/ did drugs/ dated and yet I seem to have a huge dilemma with my mother. </p>

<p>I’ve lived with only my mom for the majority of my life with her being a single mother having had me at 18 years old. For the most part, we get along well but we do tend to have our conflicts from time to time. </p>

<p>A few months ago, a friend was giving me a ride home from school and we stopped at Starbucks on the way there. About five minutes after getting to the cafe, I received several panicked/angry texts from my mom asking me where I was and why I wasn’t home yet. </p>

<p>I arrived home probably ten to fifteen minutes later than usual and she immediately started screaming at me and claiming that she didn’t know where I was and anything could’ve happened. I apologized and she continued saying how now that I’m a senior “I think I run the house and can do whatever I want.” She also insinuated that I had been sneaking around with boys and doing other things that I should’ve be doing. ( I’ve never had a boyfriend nor was I even allowed to hang out with boys until my seventeenth birthday this past august). I told her that her comments offended me and she then told me that she didn’t care about my feelings and that I need to stop acting like I’m running the show. </p>

<p>Today, I stayed home from school after telling her last night that I didn’t want to go in today. Last night, she said that she didn’t care and it was my decision. Today, she came home to find me there and immediately got upset and furious that I didn’t go to school. She left soon after and texted me saying that she didn’t want me in her house alone while she was away and that I’ve lost all of my privileges. ( She’s gone on multiple business trips in the past and has allowed me to stay alone. I’ve never had anyone over, snuck out, or done anything wrong. She’s always commended my behavior but after me staying home she’s seemed to have lost her trust.) </p>

<p>Now, I’m staying with a family friend while she’s away and I’m not allowed to use the car to go to and from school as we discussed. </p>

<p>Sometimes, I feel as though she wants me to grow up but doesn’t allow me to do so based on the restrictions she imposes. We’ve had MANY instances like the one I explained above. I’ll be going away to college this year and I’ve always made conscious decisions but she seems to doubt me no matter what I do. </p>

<p>Please tell me if you think I’m wrong, I’m genuinely confused about this. I’d ask her and try to discuss it with her but every time I try to talk to her, I get shut down with the “I’m the parent, you’re the child” rationale. Thanks in advance !</p>

2

<p>Side 1: Sometimes parents act a certain way when they realize that after a while you’ll be gone. They realize that their baby girl is about to go out into the world and meet new people, discover herself, and live life without them. She is getting a little bit protective and might be even going through a depressive state- in which she doesn’t know how to translate her “I love you feelings” and instead, lashes out on you.</p>

<p>Side 2: Since I don’t know her side of the story, and I don’t know if some things are or not being included in your side of the story, you might need to place yourself in her shoes (just in case you did something or left something out of the story and thought something was very miniscule but to her it meant a lot)</p>

3

<p>You want sympathy from parents on this? Sorry… I feel like there may be more to the story than we are hearing. And she hasn’t really done anything damaging, IMHO. We hear stories out here about parents who won’t let kids live on campus, parents who won’t fill out FAFSA forms, or abusive parents. You don’t have a big problem. Let it go, you are heading to college in the fall anyway. You would be a whole lot worse off if your mom didn’t care where you went or who you are with or when you came home.</p>

4

<p>I’d be pretty upset if my kid just didn’t feel like going to school one day. Maybe she thought you didn’t really mean it and she was dismayed at that irresponsibility. Maybe you should let he know if you are going to stop at Starbucks. Find out what the ground rules are beforehand.</p>

5

<p>If your post accurately reflects your current situation then I would agree that your mom is being unreasonable. If you have never given her any reason to mistrust you, then I would think by your senior year you would have earned more independence and privileges. Certainly stopping at Starbucks after school with a friend is not be something that would set an argument like this in motion in our home. Perhaps a short text to your mom would have been in order if this was not your normal routine. I do know I worry when my children don’t show up when expected. However, since you are leaving in the fall, it seems to me that it might just be easier to not fight with your mom. You will have complete independence in a few short months and the issue will resolve on its own. Leave home on good terms with your mother.</p>

6

<p>This is a hard time for moms and kids. You want more freedom and to pull away. We know we have to give you more, that you are growing up, but it isn’t easy to let go. There is so much we haven’t taught you yet! And sometimes you pull away too fast: you can jump in a car with a friend and be somewhere we hadn’t anticipated.</p>

<p>Just keep reminding yourself of this until you go to college. Cut your mom some slack. Bend over backwards to let her know your plans. Being a little late because you went to Starbucks doesn’t sound like a big deal, but if it is the first time you did it, that could be what set her off. And now you know what she expects.</p>

7

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<p>It is apparent that the OP did do some such thing to cause the mother to mistrust the OP. However, it is not clear from the OP’s story whether it was intentional, unintentional, knowing, or unknowing, or even if the OP knows what the initial incident was (if the mother failed to clearly articulate what the rules were or what rule was broken).</p>

8

<p>S2 is a 10th grader at a large, public HS with an open campus and no supervision. Students are expected to be in class, and there will be a phone call home if a student misses a class, but they can be anywhere they’d like during lunch and free periods. The school is in an area with many sources of food (Starbucks, McDonald’s, Subway, pizza places, etc.) within a couple of blocks. My son is free to stop anywhere when he’s walking home. He always texts me if he is going to be late. Students at some other schools in our area have much less freedom. I’m sure this depends on the kid, but I have been very happy that S2 has the opportunity to be somewhat independent during HS. I think it’s better not to have college be the first taste of freedom.</p>

<p>Maybe you could have a talk with your mother and make a case for more freedom, telling her that you need to gain experience before you go to college and live on your own. Choose a time when she is in a receptive mood, and be diplomatic. </p>

<p>I do think she’s being unreasonable.</p>

9

<p>Your mom is 36 and has had you as the center of her life for half her life. Now she is realizing (consciously or not) that she is in a sense losing you and eventually her full control of your life. Sometimes that results in one trying to hold on tighter to what they fear losing. Add to the mix single motherhood, mid life issues, the normal mother/daughter conflicts and you get confusing mixed messages. Be patient and continue to be the good dtr you have always been (while also allowing yourself to spread your wings and grow). The expression some parents use re kids “fouling the nest” before separating to leave home works both ways, sometimes parents behavior also contributes to fostering the difficult process of separation.</p>

10

<p>I think your mom is scared that you’re growing up and moving on in your life. She was a young single mom and probably has some level of fear that this might happen to you. </p>

<p>You’re a senior, will you be going away to college next year? Has she been hearing about college plans from you and it scares her?</p>

<p>What are your college plans? Is your mom afraid that once you’re out of the house she’ll lose all control and be lonely? Is she afraid of college costs?</p>

<p>What’s going on with your college plans?</p>

<p>edited to add. I see that you’ve applied to very top schools. What are your matches and safeties? Is your mom worried about college costs? Has she filled out your FA forms?</p>

11

<p>For a minute I thought the OP was the daughter of a friend of mine. Almost exactly the same story. I’ve watched these two for 17 years and hear this over and over. Both sides are at fault but neither can see it.</p>

<p>Mother gets irrational over little things the daughter does and starts screaming. Not seeing the bigger picture that the daughter is a great kid. Decent grades, no drugs, no drinking and generally good. Of course, she’s not perfect: Messy room, occasional bad grade, but the biggest problem is general disrespect.</p>

<p>On the other hand, daughter knows the things that drives her mother nuts and doesn’t stop doing them. Ten minutes late without calling, missing school for a day when she really shouldn’t and then is surprised when her mother gets mad.</p>

<p>It’s been driving me crazy for 17 years because I’ve talked to both of them. Before you jump on me: they’ve both asked for my advice. Daughter will call me when she and her mom are having a fight. Friend calls me almost every day for parenting advice. Both ask but neither is willing to face that they are part of the problem.</p>

<p>The biggest problem I see is that their relationship will always be strained which is a real shame because I love them both.</p>

12

<p>My kids were in high school before the texting era, but I sit next to a woman at work who has two daughters in high school, so I get to see how it works. And I think it’s a great idea for family members to keep in touch in this way.</p>

<p>My colleague has asked her kids to text her if they’re not coming directly home from school. Partly, this is because she is concerned about their safety, but it’s also for practical reasons. One day last week, her younger daughter texted to say “I’m going to go to X’s house.” Mom quickly texted back, “Don’t do that. You have a dental appointment in an hour.” Daughter texted back, “Oops. I thought that was tomorrow.”</p>

<p>So there can be practical reasons for family members to text each other about changes in plans. It doesn’t have to limit anyone’s freedom. It just makes logistics easier.</p>

13

<p>I have a 17 year old that is very independent but he always texts to let me know where he is and if he is going to be later than usual. Honestly my husband and I do the same. That is just mutual respect not the mom being controlling. BUT, if you were truly only 15 minutes late you should apologize and mom should get over it - just don’t do it again. As far as the deciding to not go to school - that wouldn’t fly in my house. It really isn’t an optional event.</p>

14

<p>The process of becoming an adult and parents letting go isn’t always a smooth one. Sometimes certain events trigger old memories and emotions, and fears. It’s difficult enough to face an empty nest, and if your mother has not attended college, then next year is a new unknown experience for her.
It isn’t “wrong” to go to Starbucks and you were safe. The problem is that your mom didn’t know any of this. She had no idea where you were or when you were coming home. Maybe she was counting on you being home at a certain time for a reason. By the time you did get home, her reaction was not to stopping at Stabucks but that she was worried and upset.
A quick text message can go a long way.</p>

15

<p>I am surprised no one has mentioned that fact that your mom probably was pregnant around your age. I wonder if she is in her own way trying to protect you from having the same path that she did.</p>

<p>Lots of good advice here, sometimes you need to " not sweat the small stuff" If it makes her happy- just text her.</p>

16

<p>And go to school unless you’re genuinely sick. It’s your job.</p>

17

<p>I am surprised no one has mentioned that fact that your mom probably was pregnant around your age. I wonder if she is in her own way trying to protect you from having the same path that she did.</p>

<p>Sally, we’re on the same page. I alluded to that in my post.</p>

<p>*. She was a young single mom and probably has some level of fear that this might happen to you. *</p>

<p>The OP has applied to schools where she’ll be going away. The mom is likely very concerned that you may end up as a single mom, too.</p>

18

<p>OP, just tough it out while you’re still at home. Try to avoid antagonizing her, even if you think you’re in the right. What you really don’t want is for her to decide you shouldn’t go away to college.</p>

19

<p>Post 15 has it right. Your mom knows what SHE did at your age and she is not going to let you do it. It was probably more than just some sex too. Can you talk about it with her? Explain that you know right from wrong and you won’t make the mistakes she did because she has taught you better and you respect her. You might try to ask for a little independence so you don’t fall flat on your face when you go away. Any chance she doesn’t are if you struggle when you leave, so you will want to move back home for college and commute?</p>

20

<p>*OP, just tough it out while you’re still at home. Try to avoid antagonizing her, even if you think you’re in the right. What you really don’t want is for her to decide you shouldn’t go away to college.
*</p>

<p>This is true. You just have a few months to be on your best behavior and then you’ll be in college.</p>

<p>I suspect that if you combat your mom in any way, she’s going to use that as some excuse not to let you go away. </p>

<p>Don’t argue, don’t fight, do your chores, be one step ahead of her.</p>

<p>*Can you talk about it with her? Explain that you know right from wrong and you won’t make the mistakes she did *</p>

<p>I don’t think I’d word it like that. Actions speak louder than words. Just be very good. And, if the subject comes up, just say that you’re too academically-minded to get into any trouble.</p>