Am I wrong or is she being irrational?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Yes, if all you say is true then mom is unreasonable. But just hang in there and play along for the next few months. Sounds like you should be fairly used to it.</p>

<p>I’m going to disagree that being able to text is a good thing. It’s GREAT for emergencies but I think it creates an invisible umbilical cord that is hard to sever. When I was growing up the only requirement was be home or call by dinnertime. Some independence at any age is a good thing.
I realized my reliance on phones one day when my young son forgot his phone (for the umpteenth time) and I was irritated at him–he looked at me calmly and said “Mom, what did you do before phones?”
He was right–before phones we had less constant worry about things beyond our control and more faith that things would go as planned.</p>

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<p>Another mom here. You’ve gotten great advice all around. </p>

<p>Especially regarding what your mom was doing at your age. Which, frankly, many of us were doing so we know it’s not a 1/100 scenario. Statistically, most teen girls get pregnant in the two hours after school lets out.</p>

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<p>I see what you are saying, if a student feels obligated to text constantly about their wherabouts, however, the text can also be common courtesy between adults- which replaced the telephone call.
If the OP had a change in routine- going to Starbucks when she usually was home by a certain time, and mom was expecting her, it would be courtesy to text.
It can go both ways. Once I was expecting my elderly parents and they showed up later than I expected. They decided to stop on the way and didn’t call. They were fine, thankfully, but I was worried.</p>

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<p>Tempe, I think it’s also important to remember that statistically most teen girls don’t get pregnant.</p>

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<p>Romani…god I hope not. :-)</p>

<p>Of course, it’s MOST teen girls that get pregnant do so having sex in the two hours after school gets out (and they are unsupervised).</p>

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<p>Perhaps that is what the OP’s mother fears (from her own experience), but does not want to say directly to the OP, which can make the OP think that her mother is getting angry and irrational “for no reason”.</p>

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<p>I’m surprised that people are downplaying Mom’s behavior if the situation as the OP has described it is accurate. </p>

<p>The key detail that stood out to me is that OP was not allowed to even hang out with boys until she was 17, which strikes me as a totally abnormal restriction. Did any of you parents impose something remotely similar on your kids? Even not allowing HS kids to date is unusual and, to my mind, developmentally inappropriate, but I’ve heard of families having this rule before. Extending it to restrictions on ordinary socializing is on a whole different level, unless OP only means she wasn’t allowed to do one on one, unsupervised socializing which is somewhat more reasonable, although still excessive. </p>

<p>As to the OP not going to school, she’s told us that she’s a straight A student who has always been responsible. She isn’t dropping out; she took a day to decompress during a stressful time - AFTER her mother told her, however grudgingly, that she could do so. Certainly, it doesn’t seem to warrant the measures her mother has taken; there’s no evidence that OP wouldn’t have listened if Mom had said “absolutely not, you’re going to school” when she raised the possibility of staying home. As for the Starbucks run, yes she should have texted, but the transgression is again relatively minor.</p>

<p>OP, you know your mother much better than any of us do, so I think your response should depend on what you know of her personality and patterns of behavior. I agree if you think there is any chance that she would be unwilling to pay for college if you objected in any way to the new regime, keep your head down and remember that you’re getting out very soon. If, whatever else your mom might impose, she is too invested in your college education to limit your choices in that way, you might try a calm discussion in which you reiterate your love for her, tell her that you promise never to skip school again, apologize for the Starbucks incident, if that’s still an issue, but also tell her that you believe you’ve earned her trust time and again over the last seventeen years and that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.</p>

<p>If she doesn’t relax her restrictions or becomes even more authoritarian - say, forbidding you from all social events, permanently withdrawing car privileges, etc - think about whether or not there is a trusted adult that you might be able to talk to who could intervene on your behalf.</p>

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<p>Assuming the OP is 100% accurate and fair in her presentation (which is always at issue), mom IS being slightly irrational. But not off the deep end, secure your passport irrational, IMHO (in my humble opinion).</p>

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<p>Sorry, I was posting on my phone so couldn’t give a full response. </p>

<p>I think it’s important to remember that most teens aren’t getting pregnant or engaging in risky behaviors. If what the OP is posting is accurate (and yes, there are always 2 sides), the mom is being completely irrational. Just because the mom made poor decisions doesn’t mean she should project those on to her D. </p>

<p>For skipping school, meh, I did it so I’m not going to chastise anyone else. Sometimes, you just need a mental health day. It happens. If the mom had an issue with it, she should have been an ADULT and talked to her about it rather than holding it in and exploding. </p>

<p>I don’t have any advice. Just hang in there until you go off to college.</p>

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<p>

These restrictions are very common among some cultural groups, so this may not be as unusual as it seems.</p>

31

<p>OP–just keep your head down. And please don’t go nuts when you finally do get some freedom.</p>

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<p>IF the events are as you describe, yes she is being irrational. Probably for the reasons others have postulated.</p>

<p>I would definitely NOT bring in other adults to plead for you. Your mother would most likely be intensely humiliated by such an action. What you need to do is keep your head down and make sure you toe the line until you go away to school. The worst possible thing would be if she decided to forbid you to go and withdrew support.</p>

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<p>Consolation, you made an important point. I am seeing something very similar with a young lady and her single mother. The mother has done a great job of raising her daughter to succeed academically, but is having difficulty now that she can’t protect her daughter the way she is used to, and the college world is unknown to her. Daughter is responsible, but is pulling the rope a bit to gain some freedom. I am trying to be supportive of both of them, but intevening with mom would do exactly what Consolation has said- alienate her further.
We all parent with the tools we have, for better or worse, but both the OP and her mom love each other and want to have a good relationship. This may mean that OP gives in more, tows the line a bit more. Mom has made considerable sacrifices to raise a smart young lady. Once at college, the OP is entirely responsible for her actions.</p>

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<p>Good advise from others here, as usual. If you’re trying to see this with open eyes I do think your mom is going overboard. I do think you are unnecessarily pushing her buttons at a time she is very vulnerable. Here’s the thing, as other’s have stated for 17+yrs it has been her sole purpose to provide for you, keep you safe, teach you, raise you, and love you. Now she sees the bridge where you will cross over to independence and she is not ready. For her entire adult life it’s been the two of you together. Parents and young adults are not always graceful at moving towards new phases of independence. Your mother is experiencing a loss, she is scared and grieving. The most wonderful gift my boys gave me the year before they left for school was a level of grace and understanding far beyond their years. They called and texted far more then usual to let me know where they were and where they were going, time frames, if they were going to be home for dinner, did I need anything from the store. They never reacted with frustration when we were out in public and ‘mom’ had a moment and started to randomly cry (it can happen, okay!). They’d hug me and say they loved me. It would pass in a minute, we’d laugh and move on. It was a gift to me. I’m not saying you have to go overboard, but any bit of grace, understanding, and slack you can afford her is going to make your life easier by ten-fold. You know she’s going to want to know where you are. Before you leave school call and let her know you’d like to XYZ for 15min (or whatever) is that okay? It’s a gift. You don’t have to do it, but if you can find it in yourself to make these concessions for your mom I promise it is going to pay off. Your mom may not ‘change’, especially if this has been a pattern, but it will stem what is certainly going to get worse this year.</p>

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<p>OP,
Looks liek hormonal issues to me. So be understanding, nothing you can do, let it slide, do not react. I would jsut listen and say nothing and do whatever is the best for you personally. Many females never learned how to control the hormonal spikes. Use it as learning experience and never behave this way. We have talked a lot with my D. about this type of situations. I told her never be a ‘drama queen’). More so, not many emotional expressions were allowed. But many are not raised this way, they never learned to control it. D. learned to recognise it in people and let it slide and never pay much attention. Believe me, it is a very good skill to have, there are things like this going on in some proffessional environments. If you learn to stay cool and ignore, it will serve you very well in a future.</p>

36

<p>Yeah, just tell her to eat a donut. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>Mom is flipping out based on her own past experiences. It has little to do with you. She is just afraid you will make the mistakes she did (looks like she was a teen mom). </p>

<p>We all parent subconsciously based on our experiences. For example, one friend I have lost her brother to a car accident when he and the driver were drunk. She has harped on not drinking alcohol or doing drugs 10X more than I ever have, because THAT is her fear. </p>

<p>You will be out before you know it and all this will be behind you. Just tell Mom that you will try to always remember to text when you are late, and you didn’t mean to upset her. She will calm down and tell you what she is really worried about, I bet.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your responses. I’m definitely seeing why she could be reacting this way as she is single and once I’m gone she won’t have any one else. </p>

<p>A few of you mentioned her being scared that she thinks I might fall into the same footsteps as her. Over the years, I think she realizes that I’m headed in a completely different direction than that and is usually commending my maturity and responsibility. </p>

<p>I’ve decided that I’m just going to let it go, I’ll try my best not to antagonize her and try to remain on a positive note.</p>

<p>Other than these instances, we generally have a great relationship and spend a lot of time together. I hope to maintain this relationship in college so while I’m finishing up high school, I’ll work at keeping up out connection. </p>

<p>Thanks so much for your responses, getting feedback from adults really helps me to we things from her point of view.</p>

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<p>Hmm…when DS was dating around 17 or 18, the parents of the girl he was dating with for slightly less than a year did not allow them to go to movies (it is dark inside the theater, so no. LOL.) The default place was the living room in girl’s house.) I do not think they resent that. But they were frustrated by the other rule: They had no control over when (and whether) they could meet as her parents could “veto” any scheduled date at the last minute for no good reason (maybe to “slow down” their progress? Not too hot and not too cold?) And an extreme intervene was that the “keystrokes” on the computer the girl was using were recorded and monitored by her parents.</p>

<p>Both the girl and the boy were “good” girl/boy according to most standards (NMF and all those CC standards.)</p>

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<p>Baby…</p>

<p>Try this…(but do NOT be obvious about it)…</p>

<p>If you’re all your mom has, what can you guys do to expand her social circle over the next few months? What interests does she have: church? reading? sports? </p>

<p>Not that you can be replaced (lol), but if your mom has an active social circle to rely on when you’re gone, she may be able to handle all of this easier.</p>

<p>Consolation!!!..not a donut!!! Chocolate is always a nice fix! ;)</p>