<p>My uncle, age 93, was as a young man very wealthy. The relationship between my parents and my uncle was very strained. In fact the day after my grandfather’s funeral my Uncle didn’t talk to my parents for over 20 years. Truthfully he had no use for anyone.</p>
<p>Flash forward…my mother was dying and I found him. There was a slight reconciliation. But by this time he wasn’t so successful. In fact, he was broke. He was 85 and homeless.</p>
<p>We took him in. He lived with for 3 years. And then moved elsewhere. When he lived her he was a terrible driver. He is now 93, deaf and blind. He has been turned in my his doctor to the dmv to pull his license. He has hit, a number of stationary items. fences, planters.</p>
<p>(Where he gets the cars is a mystery.)</p>
<p>He hit something and caused damage to his car. He asked for money from us to fix the car. I went ballistic. He is a 93 year old…and he said that he “knows” that he could hit children, or other cars and hurt people (or kill them) but he doesn’t care. He even said that if we don’t help him he will kill himself. </p>
<p>I am VERY sure (as were the remaining guests at our home) that I am correct. One of our friends said that I would never live with the guilt if he killed himself. I said it would be worse if he killed someone else.</p>
<p>The discussion became heated. (MR> Ellebud won’t give them money unless I said do it). Am I wrong or do I live in a different universe?</p>
<p>Don’t give in. You know that he is not able to drive safely. If he were, it would be another matter, regardless of age. You don’t want this on your conscience.</p>
<p>You can either fulfill his wishes, or save the rest of us. (You already know what to do. There’s no ethical dilemma - there is only one of nerve.)</p>
<p>No, no no. The threat to kill himself is, more than likely, manipulation. Even if he is serious, it is inevitable that he is going to lose his driving privileges soon, so there is not much that you have control over in that regard.</p>
<p>You are right. You would never forgive yourself if you give in to him and something tragic happens as a result.</p>
<p>No money. Blackmail may have been his style for years, but you have the power at this point, and are only using it for good if you refuse to facilitate his driving. This situation is not unique, many folks in their upper years need to have someone else make that decision, as he obviously is not going to take it upon himself to do so. </p>
<p>Not easy, and you can express plenty of regret, as it is very hard for both of you. He can appeal to his Dr. or the DMV if he’d like another opinion. You’d not give in to a 15 year old with the same sort of logic who threatened suicide, and he is acting with a similar level of maturity. </p>
<p>I’d say if he killed himself, you’d still be in the right to refuse him money. But hopefully that is just an idle threat. Who are his health care and financial powers of attorney? Is this worth a discussion with those folks? As well as his Dr?</p>
<p>If he does kill himself it won’t be because a niece/nephew refused to give him money to fix a car. That’s ridiculous. It would be for some other reason but he’s no doubt just trying to manipulate you. Don’t forget that he’s also probably not the most cognizant person in the world if he’s 93 y/o - i.e. he’s not thinking or behaving rationally.</p>
<p>You said the doc reported him to the DMV to pull his license. Did they pull it and if so, why’s he driving?</p>
<p>Regardless of what he does with himself, there’s no way I’d enable him in this behavior and wouldn’t feel guilty or responsible for his own mental issues or what might result.</p>
<p>It is HIS decision to drive not yours. You must never feel guilty for trying to save the lives of innocent bystanders. He is breaking the law and appears to be looking to you to enable him.</p>
<p>I am the person to contact on his healthcare. I have purchased senior citizen bus service passes (you call ahead of time for a doctor’s appointment) and taxi monies. (You pay $20 for $40 of service. He won’t use them.</p>
<p>There are no other relatives who will speak to him. And it takes months to have the dmv pull the license. And he truly has no money. And yes, he is manipulative and truly not a nice person. I did speak to a young doctor at UCLA who was treating him. (A truly terrific young man.) I tried to find him…but no luck.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have done everything in your power to help him. He is having the geriatric equivalent of a temper tantrum. Don’t fall for it. He won’t take advantage of the bus passes or taxi service because he is still playing his hand in terms of the car repair. When those modes of transportation become his only option, they will be more palatable to him. </p>
<p>Stay firm, don’t waver, offer understanding but NO money.</p>
<p>A few years ago, there was a thread about older relatives driving and how hard it is to get some to stop. I don’t remember who the poster was, nor if I have this exactly as it was posted, but his/her elderly father hit and killed another person. The family was devastated they hadn’t taken every possible step to prevent him from driving. </p>
<p>There is no good reason to take this risk. Tell him you are following doctor’s orders.</p>
<p>Do not enable him. He should not be on the road. My brother was going to drive very drunk . I called my other brother to get him. If it didn’t work I was going the call the police to put him in jail. No way could I live with him hurting an innocent person. He is making a poor choice they don’t have the choice. I believe as the posters above he is being manipulative</p>
<p>I can’t believe that States allow a ninety-three year old to drive. It is ridiculous that they would renew his license. Maybe States should restrict anyone over 90?</p>
<p>In Washington DC after a certain age seniors have to be tested. My mother-in-law failed the test, but kept on driving. (She even changed the expiration date on her license.) It was about this point that we realized she had dementia, though for the most part she seemed quite sensible we could not make her see reason on this score. Her husband was a pushover, a worse driver at least before the dementia (but his license for some reason expired later than hers) and she’d always done most of the family driving. We finally took their car and hid it from both of them.</p>
<p>It turns out that old people actually don’t have that many accidents because most of them self-regulate. They drive only in daytime, in their familiar neighborhoods at slow (sometimes too slow!) speeds.</p>
<p>bevhills, there’s no ethical dilemma. Your uncle shouldn’t be driving. Don’t enable him.</p>
<p>Do not give in to the threat. Basically, he’s saying “I’ll kill myself if you don’t give me the means to likely kill somebody else!” Killing himself would be his choice. You also have a choice: to enable him, or to ensure the safety of other people. Saying no to him does NOT equal a choice to kill him. </p>
<p>As someone who lives within driving distance of you, I would be very relieved to know he is not on the road, truth be told.</p>
<p>If you think he is a danger to himself, in most places, your ethical duty is to ask the police to do a “welfare check”, not to give him money. If you don’t know where he is, tell the police what you know about how you would look for him.</p>
<p>My mom totaled one car, fell asleep, ran into a tree. So she learned to not drive at nap time. In her next car, she was leaving the strip mall, got pulled over by the sheriff, who did a breathalyzer, as he thought she was driving drunk. No, just old age. She’s always been an erratic driver. She was prohibited from driving again. I was so relieved! No ethical dilemmas, just the law being the law. She lives in a rural area, no public transport, but not much of anyone around to hurt either.</p>