<p>I’m starting this thread because I want some very honest, serious responses out of curiosity.</p>
<p>What is the point to gossip? Why engage in something that has the potential to ruin someone else’s life/hopes/dreams/career and serves no real purpose (like earning money, the boss will like you more, you’ll get a promotion, getting a brand new car, etc)? And, how do you avoid it nicely (ie: how do you tell someone who wants to go “pssttt, guess what so and so said?” in your ear that you just don’t care to listen to that nonsense?).</p>
<p>one could argue that because people are social creatures, gossiping is just one way in which we can continue to socialize and be kept in the loop of things. it’s a weird thing. but i’ve seen this before happen. for example at the summer camps ive worked at, gossip travels quickly, and those who know all the gossip are usually the people who are ‘in’ whereas the people who don’t know about the gossip and/or aren’t involved in the gossip are usually ‘out’ of the loop. that’s just a theory anyways.</p>
<p>We do everything because we get SOMETHING out of it.</p>
<p>The reason we gossip is to avoid self-examination, if you want my opinion. By talking about how ugly Missy’s shirt is, we don’t have to think about the fact that we have an even uglier shirt sitting in our closet at home (which we even happen to like).</p>
<p>I debated this with myself when the kids were younger because I don’t like gossip. But if I don’t listen to who did what where and when, how am I supposed to know if it’s okay for my kids to go to their house?</p>
<p>In my mind, there are two different kinds of gossip, benign and malicious.</p>
<p>Benign gossip is, like someone said above, spread to be social and kept in the loop. Did you know Jason is dating Jennifer? kinds of stuff.</p>
<p>Malicious gossip is, like HGFM said, spread to make the gossipers feel better about themselves by tearing others down.</p>
<p>Both kinds are used to promote power. If you know lots of benign gossip, you look quite in the loop and gain status. And if you know lots of malicious gossip, well, you wield power as well.</p>
<p>I think benign gossip gets a bad rap, but I’m a really social creature.</p>
<p>There is a phenomenon that everybody likes to “be the first to know.” It is the philosophy behind TV news, newspapers, etc. I think it is also behind some forms of gossip. “Did you hear…?” means “Do I know something you don’t?” It means we’re in the center of things, current, popular, informed.</p>
<p>Sometimes gossip is a form of control. I can perhaps make you act a certain way by feeding you certain information. I can keep you from being friends with someone, changing your social plans, affecting your vote, or whatever. I personally hate this type of gossip and am fairly sensitive to it. I hate to have my friends chosen by someone else.</p>
<p>There is a difference, also, between gossip and “news” - and not a clearly defined difference. There is a form of gossip that is valuable to me - the form that tells me which kid is safe for my S to ride with, or for my D to date. Which party is okay for my kid to attend. Which parent is appropriate to chaperone. Which teacher I want my kid to have. Which neighbor I’m willing to have get my mail and feed my cat.</p>
<p>Therefore, I’m not willing to shut myself off from all gossip. However, I do look for motivation behind it - from that I hear, and from that I am tempted to share. I also look at the source - is it trustworthy? I am much more likely to accept certain types of information from close friends that I have a history with.</p>
<p>The spreaders and welcoming receivers of malicious gossip about “John Doe” can think to themselves “I’m better than John Doe, I would never do that.”</p>
<p>I agree that there is a gray area between gossip and news. When things happen it is natural that those who know will talk about it. It is natural and often useful. In my mind, it turns into gossip when the factual part of it turns speculative and the talk starts having a distinct malicious flavor. The information is usually valid. You want to know if someone you know is ill, has misfortunes, is in trouble. You want to know so you can help if you can, and so that you do not burden a family that is undergoing problems. For instance, you do not want to ask a parent who is having health issues or family problems for the favor of picking up your kid from school. Better to ask someone else. Maybe you can help out the family in need. Reveling in the info and dwelling on it in an unconstructive and damaging way is what makes information gossip, but there is no firm line to cross.</p>
<p>I think of gossip is a form of story-telling. The word doesn’t have the bad connotations to me that the original poster suggests - I would call that activity something like rumor-mongering.</p>
<p>There was a book about gossip published a few years ago: “Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language,” by Robin Dunbar. I haven’t read it, but it looks interesting. The idea is that human gossip is like grooming among other primates - it builds intimacy and social ties and keeps the group humming along. </p>
<p>From the Amazon blurb: “Grooming is a way to forge alliances, establish hierarchy, offer comfort, or make apology…Considering the large groups in which humans have found it necessary to live, Dunbar posits that we developed language as a substitute for physical intimacy.”</p>
<p>It can be dangerous not knowing what is happening. Office gossip often dictates office politics. It is very useful to know if the person you are dealing with has a son who is a trouble maker, for instance. You just might want to temper certain statements when working with him. Gossip often contains valuable information. I believe what makes it gossip is the unnecessary speculation and opinionating about the facts.</p>
<p>I’ve come to the conclusion that negative gossip, and any form of social aggression, must have some kind of evolutionary benefit. Or at least folks think it does. I mean, the psycho dance mom who savages every kid who competes with her daughter in any sphere (especially mine) must somehow think, or at least be acting on the instinct, that it will in some way allow her offspring better reproductive opportunities. Why else be so crazed about the whole thing? That’s my theory, anyway.</p>
<p>Is it “gossip” if you’re talking about something that is true? Or is it gossip to share negative truths? Or is it gossip when you share something with someone that you’ve heard third hand, but you have every reason to believe it’s true? Or is it gossip to dredge up something negative from someone’s past for no apparent reason?</p>
<p>Here’s a real life example: Last year, a girl in Daughter’s dance company stopped coming to dance shortly after she got her driver’s license. One day, the company director pressed all the other girls and one girl finally spilled the beans that she thought the girl was going to her boyfriend’s house. Calls to the mother, who then called the boyfriend’s house confirmed this, the parent’s eyes were opened and the girl was removed from dance company and put on a short leash at home. Was it gossip for the girl to tell the dance teacher what she knew or thought she knew about where the girl was going? Was it gossip for all the girls to tell their mothers about this? I certainly found it very eye opening…lots of us are a bit naive and it really had never occured to me that MY kids would not go where they said they were going. The story was beneficial to lots of us. Is that gossip?</p>
<p>It’s a gray area, Missypie. In my opinion, it becomes gossip when the speculation goes to a point where it is no longer useful but is just enjoyment at the expense of others. But when it starts to be that way is unclear. Statements that are mean spirited with no purpose but to hurt are an example. But to wonder where someone is when she is not where she should be is not gossip.</p>
<p>I think all those things listed are gossip, missypie, but, again, I don’t think all gossip is bad. Like pornography, I know malicious gossip when I see it.</p>
<p>Of course, my son with Asperger’s neglects to tell us SO MUCH because he will not gossip. He thinks that sharing a negative story about anyone is gossip. His freshman year, one of his teachers - a long time tenured teacher -was fired about 8 weeks into the school year due to very erratic, weird behavior. We were shocked when the teacher was fired and had to hear the wild, but true, stories from other parents who had lobbied to get rid of her. Son knew about all of this behavior, but he didn’t tell us because he didn’t want to “gossip.”</p>
<p>Remember the story from last spring about kids cheating in an AP class at our HS, and being suspended from NHS as a punishment? I read about it in the PAPER, even though Son was in the room when the kids came in to confess!</p>
<p>Alright, for clarification, I’m talking about the kind of mess where someone adds their two cents on something when they don’t know what they are talking about and it causes a giant chaos to unfold. So, no, I am most definitely NOT talking about good things. I’m talking about the kind of stuff that can ruin lives.</p>
<p>When you are talking about speculation, rumors and presenting them as facts, that is a different story. Sometimes the truth can ruin reputations and lives too. It depends on what your definition of gossip is. SOmetimes by not being straightforward with something, it fuels the stories more. I know my sons’ schools were great at that. They would high handedly refuse to “gossip” and give info on something that everyone was of course very interested in knowing since it had direct bearing on their kids like why a teacher suddenly disappeared in the middle of a term. That would lead to speculation and exaggeration of facts that often made things much, much worse. It could have been a simple quibble or salary dispute or not getting along with a colleague. Instead of learning the official way, word is passed by mouth and it can get pretty ugly. The same if someone leaves school. Often the truth does come out embellished even worse with speculations. Things have to be pretty mucked and mired to just not tell the simple truth and leave it at that.</p>