<p>My husband and I have two children that are both a year older than BIL/SIL’s children. A few years ago it started out as a casual, “Man, how do you guys do it?” We’ve always tried to help answer all of the questions they have with regard to preparing the kids for either competitive colleges, or just being prepared for college and corporate America in general. The issue is that they prod us for advice these last few years but practically none of it is ever followed. It’s exhausting and my husband and I are realizing they are who they are and it’s futile for us waste our time being involved. Over Thanksgiving, we sensed it had morphed into this weird tension, and sure enough the BIL went on about us being consumed with our “rich high school” and “being around rich people” and “sending your kids to rich colleges.”</p>
<p>To be clear, we’ve recently tried to avoid talk of our kids and previously, we were always hyper-sensitive to their finances and none of the lengthy conversations we’ve had ever suggested things that would stretch them. Am I overreacting to suggest we don’t spend Christmas with them at all?</p>
<p>Yes I think that is an overreaction. I think this kind of tension exists in most families with cousins of similar ages. I know it does in ours. I think it is probably time for the adults to talk about something other than the kids and what they are doing. Try really hard to think of other subjects that do not include any of the kids accomplishments. That is my goal for this holiday season with my family. We have cousins that range from 20 years old to 11. Already compiling my list of “subject changing” conversation starters!!! Goodluck!</p>
<p>Thank you. The main issue is that they prod us for the advice, laced with passive aggressive spite. We aren’t insufferable about telling people how to raise their kids. It’s really a challenge to duck parenting questions. Lately I just want to say, “Why? You’re not going to do anything we recommend anyways and you’ll just blame their failures on external forces (e.g. money).” Sad truth.</p>
<p>I am sure you don’t volunteer any information without someone asking for it, but it maybe better not to do it no matter how they prod you. Sometimes people ask for advice just so they could hear what a wonderful they are doing.</p>
<p>Yea, we smile and nod and rave about other folks’ kids and other topics rather than be drawn into giving advice that will be dissed, belittled or ignored (or worse). Works for us. </p>
<p>@HImom Thank you. Sound college prep advice being ignored and belittled is a common occurrence among families? Do you have a anecdote to share or is it pretty similar to my example? I’m like a sponge when someone approaches us with good tips. Sad to see family rejecting ours and then feeling attacked because they failed to do so and the outcomes are evident to all.</p>
<p>We just smile and nod about how “lucky” our kids were to be the only ones amongst the cousins to be accepted at USC and rave about the schools that their kids were accepted at/attend. We stress how wonderful it is that we all have great kids that will do fabulous things and move on to safer topics. </p>
<p>Our kids are known in the community and schools as the kids who barely attended HS due to frequent and prolonged medical absences. Smiling and nodding is a lot easier now that our kids gave graduated HS and U. </p>
<p>I also rave about the counselors at schools and collegeconfidential.com (even tho ours were so-so and I have no knowledge of theirs). I figure the parents and kids will figure things out or not but prefer the cousins have a loving relationship, which I’m pleased they do!</p>
<p>If the KIDS are interested, they could speak with our kids, but they work it out with their counselor and folks. Honestly, our kids figured it out and we just supported them in their journey, urging S to get a good merit award. They had peers critique their essays and did their own research. </p>
<p>If you are offended by people who don’t take your advice, you are setting yourself up for perpetual anger! If they are using your advice as a stick to whack you with, well, just don’t give them the stick. Smile and nod. Smile and nod. Your post does have a tinge of (just a tinge!) of how stupid SIL/BIL are for not following the advice, so maybe you are mutually irritating each other. As others have said, just dismiss the inquiry. I find it helpful to have a quick answer ready “We do the best we can” or “I think everyone finds their own way” or even “Oh goodness, I’m not an expert, why ask me?”. And then eat something. You can’t talk when your mouth is full and you get to bite something :)</p>
<p>Why do you care? If you are doing legwork for them…don’t. If they are looking for the Holy Grail and they think you might have had it 5 years ago…and now no longer do…stop talking. They are not work getting aggravation. If you are in a restaurant…get up and go to the bathroom. On returning ignore the questions. Have a sip of wine. If they repeat their questions…Interesting question…and don’t answer.</p>
<p>When (and if) they ask again…just say the truth…you figure it out. We have faith in you.</p>
<p>Many families experience this. I respond the first time as though the questions are sincere. Then I disengage if they don’t seem to actually want advice. My husband and I have a mantra: We can’t raise the children of others. We do sometimes invite young relatives to stay with us and buy them their own resources so they can figure it out themselves if they choose to do so. We never encourage colleges we don’t think parents will support.</p>
<p>In my experience, people often are more receptive if you talk or write about what you do than if you offer advice. That way it’s more like it’s one of the offerings at a buffet, and they choose whether or not they want it. Also, and I’m not good about this, only so much at once. One or two nuggets can be great. If someone puts out there are seven things I need to do, that would be no, too much! Reject, reject. So, as someone near and dear to me puts it, you can’t barf it all up onto the table because it’s yuck, what do I do with that, lol.</p>
<p>When you homeschool, which we did, there’s rounding up stray cats factor. You’ve got some pretty determined, independent people. You <em>have</em> to treat them with respect and as their input is just important as yours or you’re going to get nowhere. I think it’s a good habit to develop. :)</p>
<p>Well, now you have a new resource to direct them to. “Get on CC and ask away! You’ll get differing opinions of course but it helps to see what others do and works for them and their kids”.</p>
<p>What kind of questions do they ask you? And how do they lace it with passive aggressive spite. If you could give one example, it might help with replies…at least mine.</p>
<p>Conmama, they ask about everything under the sun; from classes to take, volunteer ideas, study levels, tutor, clubs the kids get into, parenting style, technology use, etc. I don’t think one thing we’ve ever recommended has been followed. It’s just a waste of breath. One of the more irritating issues is that they asked if their child could join the club my youngest is in. “I promise he’ll get there.” Thank you so so much for getting him in, blah blah. The MIL flakes every other week and when her kid does show up, he’s on his iPhone the entire time. The excuses never stop, yet on facebook she’s gossiping about shopping and every reality TV show there is.</p>
<p>When values of people are different and they SAY they want what you have been working to with your kids to move towards but by their actions it doesn’t appear to you that they are sincere, I can see how that would make you wonder about a disconnect. I’d suggest smiling and nodding and referring them to CConfidential and/or their school’s great counselors for guidance, taking yourself out of the role of “expert,” and making yourself and your kids and spouse less of a target. I shrug and say we’re all doing the best we can–kids constantly surprise us (because they sure do).</p>
<p>Giving advice in the situation you describe, even when requested is a no win proposition. It was generous of you to allow your relative to join the activity your kid participates in, but it sounds like the kid would be better off doing something the kid cares more about than spending his time glued to his phone.</p>
<p>Nottelling, after Thanksgiving my husband and I had a long conversation and reflected on the past few years. Only then did it really dawn on us that they haven’t bothered following through on one thing they’ve asked us to help with.</p>
<p>That being the case, VanGlenn, I’d just give them platitudes and not make other suggestions or offer other “help.” People can “ask” but not really WANT the help they claim they do. With the record you and your H have with this couple, actions speak louder than words. Maybe try “active listening” and if they ask you again for “help,” mention, “Hey, you know W & I have noticed that you’ve asked time and again but never implemented any of our suggestions, so obviously you have other ideas, and that’s fine. Carry on!” If they ask for help again, repeat and recommend they check with their counselor, CC, and other resources and have SPECIFIC steps they think will move them and their kids forward. Especially ask what the KIDS want and are doing in these plans.</p>