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<p>I would find the fattest and perhaps most boring book on parenting towards higher education and have it ready. When the questions start, simply tell them “Here is where I got all my secrets from. It is hard to agree in the beginning but it becomes clear at the end. Let me know what you think when you finish reading it. Merry Xmas.”</p>
<p>The only answer I’d give to “how do you do it?” is “I have no idea. How do you manage?”</p>
<p>If I were in your shoes and wanted to maintain a long relationship with my relatives (which I would), I would do two things:</p>
<p>1) Tell them that you feel that this may be a lightning rod, and that the choices you make for your kids are so [personal and tailored to them and your unique relationship with them that you cannot give effective advice for their situation and you are worried it may set you up for bad feelings, and</p>
<p>2) Offer to tell them about resources that can help them and how to use the resources (“go into the counselor with a list of questions about financial safeties as well as academic safeties,” “We used Fisk as our go-to book”, “We started Kahn Academy SAT Prep 3 months in advance of the test.” “We found taking the SAT March of Junior year was the best timing for us.”). Give general examples of your approach and suggest they tailor it to their own situation with the help of an expert (i.e. the school GC). Point them to the path and tell them how to take it. Don’t tell them about specific features and flavors about the path- that is for them to individualize.</p>
<p>But, yes, I would spend the holidays together and talk about the elephant in the room so that it does not ruin your relationship going forward. It is very hard to see the poor decisions one has made, especially in stark relief. I would be compassionate and offer morsels they can use/digest and then move on. You have different styles and different values; though when you are together a bit of envy (IMHO) may pull their values closer to alignment with yours.</p>
<p>No sane person would ever discuss their kids with someone other than their spouse or give childraising advice to anyone (including their spouse). It is an intensely personal and sensitive topic, best avoided.</p>
<p>Is this your Husbands brother or sister? If so how does he feel about not seeing them for Christmas? </p>
<p>FWIW, “poor decisions” may be such ONLY to the advice giver. I’ve seen posts here before about relatives “only” going to a state college or gasp, community college and were therefore “failing”. But you know, for THEM, those places might have been just right. So maybe the OP’s family asks for ideas and decide they just aren’t for them, and maybe their kids will “only” get into “lower” colleges, but that’s their choice. It doesn’t make them bad people.</p>
<p>Our D is very, very accomplished and we’re asked all the time, “How do you do it?” I’ve found this to be a mostly rhetorical question. They are really complimenting us and don’t want a laundry list of what we do. Our answer is along the lines of “Oh, WE aren’t doing much, SHE is doing it all. We just keep up, or try to.” And people chuckle and move on in the conversation.</p>
<p>Where one goes or doesn’t go to college or what they do to get there is so far from the important things that bring a family together that I would spend no more time on such discussions than the weather.</p>
<p>When people ask how I did it, I laugh & say that I must have brought the wrong baby home! Switched at birth…people laugh and I change the subject.</p>
<p>Thanks to all. I want to reemphasize that they asked us for advice on a regular basis. They asked us for help with summer camps. They wanted their youngest in the club only offered in our town. They claim they want x but in retrospect, the majority of their actions equal y. They’d love their children to go to such and such, but everytime I’ve seen them their faces are in the iPhone and the family is glued to the TV. The day after missing a meeting, the SIL is emailing me about a department store discount. When the advice isn’t followed, and the outcomes start to become more apparent, animosity follows.</p>
<p>Just say no when asked. As much as you seemingly want to, you will not be able to control the lives of other adults.</p>
<p>No matter how much they ask for advice…STOP giving it. Just stop. This is a time where you just need to turn it around and ask them what they have done…and simply validate that. End of discussion.</p>
<p>At the end, your advice sounds like endless bragging to themwhich is likely why they don’t do what you are advising them to do.</p>
<p>So, just stop handing out advice, no matter how much you are prodded. By now, you should be able to,clearly see that this is getting no one anywhere.</p>
<p>I don’t get what a department store discount has to do with anything. Maybe she thought you’d be interested in the sale? And frankly, some things that parents say or imply are important to them aren’t as important to them, or maybe their kids. D has a sweet friend who does to only a few of the meetings for one of her school EC’s. Her mother is not interested in picking her up late after school so she attends only when her sister can do the driving. But her mother is still a nice person and I always stop and say hello and chit chat when I see her. We just have different priorities and I accept that.</p>
<p>Maybe thumper1 is onto something (and I think is often spot-on in their advice on CC). Perhaps you come off as bragging and your relatives really don’t want to hear it the way you present it. I hardly think it’s worth cutting them off for.</p>
<p>It reminds me of Brooks’s Organization Kid where he labels [college admissions] the ultimate, highly-efficient sorting mechanism.</p>
<p>I put myself out there to get her child into the club. She then flakes on the meetings and allows her child to come in unprepared and with an iPhone he’s addicted to. Instead of emailing me a sorry we didn’t make it, she emails me a coupon? Poor form. It just illustrates a parent who doesn’t want to put any effort into positioning her children for the level of success or opportunities they claim they want for them. Success doesn’t fall from sky. And then to insinuate our children are where they are because of our income is laughable. Effort equals outcome. </p>
<p>And post 31 means what? </p>
<p>What are you really asking on this thread? Post 31 makes me think YOU don’t really want advice either…even though you are asking for it.</p>
<p>Reality is, no one wants advice, everyone wants - no, desperately needs - validation.</p>
<p>I think you are making a wrong move to escalate things to a family rift over it, which it sounds like, maybe I’m wrong and not spending the holiday together could be just something that happens just as often too. My advice is that whoever is the brother or sister in your family have a talk with their brother or sister in the other family with regard to insulting comments. I wouldn’t criticize over any thing else except to point out that a line has been crossed when insulting comment are made about your family and ask them if they can acknowledge that and are able to keep things friendly. With regard to further questions about college you can say that you are happy to give it as long as it doesn’t involve disparaging comments about your choices. In return you resolve not to make disparaging comments about their choices, including what they post on facebook. No one is obliged to follow your advice and you aren’t obliged to give it if you don’t think it is productive. They are just listening and maybe learning a thing or two and if they pick something up that is useful then great. But you know by now not to expect anything. I suppose you could ask questions to follow up on previous advice when they ask you something, turn it back to them. But really it sounds like deflecting as suggested many times above is the best route.</p>
<p>Very insightful and thoughtful responses. I feel silly for being so naive. We don’t give advice to others, really, so perhaps I thought it was different because this was our attempt to help family. As for spending time with them moving forward, it’s tough to look past what is clearly deep seeded jealousy and or animousity that boiled over last week. Further, a lot of our time was wasted on them and this extended to the point we put ourselves out there for them via our circle of friends where we live. Very uncouth and troubling when someone, let alone family, doesn’t show any regard for your time or reputation. And I honestly find witnessing poor parenting troubling to see. I feel uneasy when I see a niece or nephew addicted to their phone, poor manners, with a stunted vocabulary, seized with TV for a few hours each and every time we visit. Raising children like that gives them very little chance for any degree of success.</p>
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<p>That’s a big problem. Change yourself.</p>
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No wonder they are not happy with you. You are accusing them of being bad parents. I am sure they could sense your disapproval. I don’t know where you come off in thinking your parenting skills are better than your BIL/SIL. It is very judgmental.</p>
<p>Anytime there is an economic mismatch in a family, there is more likely to be tension. Right now all I can picture is Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine and their kids from National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. Chill with the advice, chill with the judgments, chill some wine. Happy Holidays!</p>