S and his GF want to send out engagement cards. There will be a later destination wedding, in Asia where the bride is from, and some of my family lives as well. So there will be no event here in the USA, and no invitations aside from immediate family. I am mixed on whether he should send out cards to some of the far flung extended family dear to me. He has seen them in the last 10 years, once or so, and I am close to them. It seems like a crass ploy for money/gifts, though I think they’d appreciate the card. Opinions? State no gifts, or ???
My eyes have been opened by the wedding threads, as I tend to be clueless on the fine points of these matters.
I’m not sure what you are referring to. An engagement announcement? A printed announcement to say X and Y are engaged?
While I wold not personally feel obligated to send a gift, unless I would do so anyway for that particular couple, I am pretty sure it will look like a gift grab to many people.
If it is a form of a Save the Date to people who will be invited to the wedding, that is one thing.
To tell old friends, former neighbors etc about the happy news, I would most likely send an email or something, so it is clear that you just want to convey the news, not search for a gift.
I don’t always send gift for the announcer. Especially since I have not seen these people in years. But it was nice to receive the news. I would send the invite, if people want to send gift is because they want to. I’m refrain from complaining bad wedding gift when we had a thread. I don’t want to complain when it comes to wedding gift, I don’t have a clue what I did with the gift either.
No advices from me as we are not in that stage yet, but I am interested in what others would have to say.
I think this is relevant to the case that the kernel family (of the groom’s side, or the bride side or even both sides) is very small and not very well “established” (few connections) in the US, but the extended family and even circle of friends could be much larger outside the US.
I’ve never been a believer in announcement cards. I think that most people will look at them as looking for gifts. For people that you are in touch with regularly, a simple email can advise them of the engagement or the wedding, if they’re not being invited. For far flung members of the family who you rarely contact, I wouldn’t worry about notifying them at all.
I do not like formal engagement announcements or engagement parties. My parents told the relevant but not super close people in holiday cards. That seems sufficient. Honestly, if I got a formal engagement announcement I’d assume it was a precursor to an invitation. It does ring of gift grabbing to me, too.
With that said, we had a semi destination wedding and had a separate local celebration for loved ones we couldn’t invite or that we knew couldn’t afford to come. We explicitly said no gifts and it was lovely.
This is sort of their/her thing, and I’d certainly let extended family members know informally, as I already have. Most of them will be invited to the wedding, though few will attend, not that I have much family, regardless.
mcat and others, the prospective bride is from mainland China, and her parents are still there. I’m not Asian, though my extended family are pan Asian by marriage.
The young couple live across the country and is something they had come up with. I was trying to figure out how I felt about it. It felt a little money grubbing, though that is not the intent at all. Nice to have my instincts confirmed.
At a point I may have a local catered event , but after the actual wedding.
For folks so distant in geography and contact, I would suggest to my children that an after the wedding announcement with a lovely wedding photo should be the vehicle to use. Or, depending on the timing, i might include the happy news in my Christmas newsletter.
great lake mom, Re: the perspective bride is from mainland China & feel a little bit money grubbing.
In that case, I think that, at least for a wedding event over there, there could be “evelope money” thing involved – not sure how much this “old tradition” has been wiped out by Mao though. I have an impression that Mao stronlyly disliked many aspects of these old traditions and he intended to get rid of all or most of them.
The gist of this old tradition was that the parents (to a much less extent, the bride and groom themselves if they have been working for some time instead of having just been graduated) on both sides contributed to other people’s weddings in their life time. When it is their offspring’s turn for a wedding, they get back whatever they have invested (to other’s weddings) in the past.
There is then a potential “issue” caused by the different sizes of the guests from these two sides and who get the envelope money. It could get complicated here due to a potentially different expectation from either side.
By not following the “tradition”, you may cause someone not able to “recoup” what they justifiably deserve to get back – or worse, “lose face”. (You can tell that I strongly dislike this kind of tradition.)
It may not be “money grubbing”. It may be just to get back your previous “investment” over a long period of time. (assuming that you are talking about the wedding event there, not in the US.) But if your side of family really has not participated in this kind “wedding cost sharing game” in the past, it is then not justified for you to grub the money in this way. However, would some of your extended family (esp. grandparents) have still kept “investing” in this and you can still legitimately get the benefits without your own “contributions”? Also will the other side understand this? It’s complicated.
I believe they are for the wedding, not for the engagement. Am I right? It could be a “big ticket” item besides the big feast during the wedding ceremony.
Isn’t there a “stack of money” thing that would be given to the bride’s family by the groom side (likely just for a “show” and most or many bride’s families then give it to the young couple?) Not sure if this is for the engagement or for the wedding. The young couple might love it!
I remember when one of my aunts got married, my grandpa did this (received the money but gave it to the couple – not sure whether the groom himself would give it back to his parents though. I was well too young to know/remember how the grownups handled this, but I do remember seeing a lot of money – as I had never seen that much money by then. No robbers then, otherwise it could be a “good target” because it was in the plain view of everybody.)
An Indian friend will have his wedding later this year. He said his wedding will last 3 days! He rarely had a chance to be together with his future wife before the wedding – maybe the longest time they will ever be together before the wedding will be during their trip from the US to Indian to attend their wedding. (They live in different states in the US now and do not have a chance to be together.)
Why not send an announcement to people AFTER the wedding rather than an engagement announcement. John John and Sue Sue would like to announce that they were married on such and such a day in such and such a country. I’ve seen quite a few of these tastful announcement. Generally also included in the statement mr. and mrs. so and so will be at home after such and such a day at address. Finally it’s pretty easy to add “No gifts necessary or No gifts please” at the end. People will do what they want to do but it never hurts to put that if you feel that is an important statement.
In HI, we are told that we follow wedding customs long abandonned from China, even tho many of the people in HI were born and raised in HI, as were their parents (tho perhaps their grandparents came over from China). I can’t recall EVER receiving any engagement announcements. I have gotten “save the date” announcements and we have received roast pork and wedding cakes related to an engagement. Typically, the groom is given a set of clothing from the bride’s family and the groom’s family gives Chinese wedding & other cakes & a roasted suckling pig. Generally, the couple dirstributes these to family and friends.
There is sometimes a traditional chinese tea pouring ceremony (after the wedding ceremony and prior to the reception), where the bride wears a fancy embroidered red silk jacket and pours tea with candied fruit for close extended family members. The couple receives cash in red envelopes and jewelry.
I think folks would be rather surprised and probably think it is a money grab to receive an engagement anouncement if there is no reception or ceremony they are invited to attend.
