<p>I know how you all just love weddings
H’s brother, age 47, is getting married very soon. First wedding for both. Bride is 39ish. H and his brother are not close. H is oldest of 7, this bro is 5th. We last saw/spoke to bro at their dad’s funeral 6 years ago. We sent him Xmas letters/photos yearly, but never heard back. Before that we saw bro at their mom’s funeral 15 years ago. Both H and bro. live far from their hometown (where 5 others siblings still live) and far from each other. Bro has been engaged for almost 2 years. Just set date in late summer this year. H/bro/I and our older kids are friends on FB–that’s how we learned he was engaged. (No personal messages have been exchanged.)
H’s sister (age 48) wants to take on the role of mother-of-the-groom. She mentioned to us that “the groom’s siblings are doing the rehearsal dinner.” (This will be a casual event at the hotel, sis is bringing food from their hometown. They expect up to 100 people–about 25 are groom’s family. No one from the groom’s family is in the wedding party.) I was surprised that H’s sister volunteered to do this–they are not well off. We all have significant travel and hotel expenses just to attend the wedding which is long distance for all of us. Sis also informed us-- that we (H and I) will be paying for the drinks for this event. This will not be a big expense compared to the food, but–AND HERE IS MY GRIPE: THESE PEOPLE ARE MIDDLE-AGED. THEY HAVE NO KIDS AND HAVE BOTH BEEN EMPLOYED FOR MANY YEARS. THEY CAN PAY FOR THEIR OWN WEDDING! ALSO, DON’T TELL US WHAT WE’RE PAYING FOR–ASK IF WE ARE WILLING TO PAY (NO.)
H had not been asked by his bro to participate in any way (I was a little surprised because bro was in OUR wedding party and sang at our wedding way back when.) I thought H might be asked to do a reading or our two little girls could be flower girls (no one else has little girls). However, since H wasn’t asked, no hard feelings–we just assumed that they are not close and all roles are filled by local friends or bride’s family. Then, just a couple weeks before the wedding we get a forwarded email from H’s sister saying: “I am not in contact with my brothers and don’t have time to chase them down and beg them to be a part of this, but if they want to sing with you (sisters are singing at the wedding), they can join in.” (Other bro is completely out of picture, not attending wedding.) So H will sing along with sisters.
GRRR–Can’t “chase down” H–what about FB? (They are “friends”) Google? White pages? He has our mailing address–he sent us an invitation.
GRIPE #2: ISN’T IT THE DUTY OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM TO INVITE FAMILY/FRIENDS TO PLAY A SPECIAL ROLE IN THE CEREMONY–IN A TIMELY MANNER? (Bro acts annoyed that H hasn’t stepped forward and asked to participate??)
Now H’s sister has asked my family to help serve food and clean up at the rehearsal dinner–which we are willing to do. And she wants help with the decorations. AND she wants me to buy a special accessory that all the groom’s family can wear to the dinner so we can be identified as “groom’s family”(she said she would like to do it, but it is too expensive in addition to everything else she is doing) I think it is unnecessary, don’t like the idea of wearing this “item” --I think name tags are just fine. And I don’t want to pay for anything else. But she is trying to “guilt” me into it, since she is paying so much for the food.<br>
GRIPE #3 I DON’T WANT TO LOOK CHEAP/UNGENEROUS, BUT I DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR ANY PART OF THIS WEDDING. NO ONE ASKED US ABOUT THIS AHEAD OF TIME. THIS STUFF SHOULD’VE BEEN PLANNED BY THE BRIDE AND GROOM AGES AGO.
More back-story, Sis’s H, though middle class, likes to throw $ around and pretend that he’s got more than he has, imo, and make a show of his generosity–and is comfortable going into debt to do that. He thinks H and I are overly frugal/cheap, and H remembers sis’s H commenting on that in the past. They had a lavish wedding. H and I had a very small, cheap wedding. Ancient history, but another reason why I’m not feeling too generous about contributing to H’s bros wedding–his parents didn’t contribute to ours.</p>
<p>Please, just tell me I have a right to be annoyed. I want to be happy about the wedding, but I’m just stressed out. What to tell H’s Sis?</p>
<p>Yes, you have every right to be annoyed! Response to the request for coverage of the drink expense: </p>
<p>You: I’m sorry, but we’re not in a position to do that right now.</p>
<p>Sister: What do you mean?</p>
<p>You: We’ve just had a number of unexpected expenses lately, and its not something we can do. I wish you had given us more advance notice; maybe then we could have gotten the money together. But there is no way we can do it right now, and as I’m sure you can understand we certainly wouldn’t want to finance it with a credit card. I’m sorry.</p>
<p>(That “unexpected expense” could have been anything or nothing, it doesn’t need to be explained.)</p>
<p>Stand your ground, be (falsely) apologetic, but don’t let the family guilt you into “buying” something that you have no interest in providing.</p>
<p>Agree,Yes you have a right to be annoyed but your husband should have put his foot down with his sister from the get go. I agree at this point you should refuse any additional layout. It’s nice of you to agree to help serve/clean up. Or you can just not show up due to “illness” or travel delays and blow it off completely after all when will you see these people again if past history is any indication.</p>
<p>We CAN “afford” it–at least much more than H’s sister can! (Our income is higher.) But Sis has both a different attitude toward $ (“Yes, it is expensive, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime event!”) and a closer relationship with the groom. (He sometimes spent holidays with her family over the years. She babies him as a little brother–though he is only 1.5 years younger than she is!)</p>
<p>Of course you have a right to be annoyed. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money. </p>
<p>Agree that your DH needs to grow a pair and be clear with them all now. Liquor bills can be HUGE at these things. Agress that if you don’t plan to pay you need to say so NOW. </p>
<p>Am more surprised that a hotel is going to allow outside food to be brought in for this large crowd. There are health codes that prohibit this in most places.</p>
<p>You have the right to be annoyed on all counts! At the age of 47 the brother is responsible for paying for his own wedding. Anything that anyone else wants to do is completely voluntary. I would tell H’s sister that you think it’s wonderful that she wants to do a rehearsal dinner for her brother, but that you had really not planned on participating beyond travel expenses and the gift you have already planned on giving.</p>
<p>PS I would also balk at having to “wear something” to show that I am a member of the groom’s family.</p>
<p>Agreed with jym626, liquor bill can be bigger than food bill sometimes. For 100 people, I think the bar bill will be few thousand $$. I don’t know how your SIL is going to be able to bring food to a hotel either. For our girl’s sweet 16, we couldn’t even bring our own cake.</p>
<p>Just NO. These people are not in their 20s. And even if they were, it is not your and your siblings’ responsibility to play the traditional role of parents (i.e., the groom’s family covering the rehearsal dinner).</p>
<p>My sister is married to someone like your husband. A little passive and comes from a big family where “edicts” are routinely issued about who will be doing what for holidays, how much they have to contribute to kids’ birthdays, and so on. Over the years they have learned to distance themselves, but it hasn’t been easy.</p>
<p>And BTW it doesn’t matter one bit what your income is. It is all about priorities. They can spend their money how they want; you can, too. And you don’t have to explain it. You have children to support and plans and dreams of your own. I know plenty of people who get married without spending a lot of their own money or their families’–young couples, even, who seem far more self-sufficient than these people.</p>
<p>If I were you I would say “we are happy to volunteer our time–but that is all we can do right now.” Do not offer any explanation or feel the need to defend yourselves.</p>
<h1>8 is what I wish I could say. Hard to explain weird family dynamics, but I would expect H to communicate with his sister about it. I will be made out to be the mean Yankee, s-i-l. They are southerners, I am not. And H is insecure about being called “cheap” by his sister/her H since we do have more than they have. LOL–H does need to “grow a pair”–if only so I can kick them. . .</h1>
<p>However, Sis did not ASK him–just said “sibs are doing the dinner, we’re bringing XYZ,” H is passive and has a hard time saying NO to things, but just assumed that Sis was taking care of everything. I thought, “Wow, THAT’S generous!” I also thought that I wouldn’t have volunteered for that, and that the groom should be paying for it himself. </p>
<p>Then, just a couple days ago, Sis told H that HE will be paying for drinks (mostly non-alcoholic, so not expensive.) H is very busy, works a lot of hours, pays little attention to Sis’s emails/texts–sometimes he forwards them to me. Everything H’s family does is last second/disorganized. Planning music/getting singers a couple weeks before the wedding after such a long engagement? (Seriously, they are the people trying to find a free tree on Xmas Eve. . .) Sis told me there MAY be up to 100 people. And the room where the food is set up seats. . .30. But she has reserved another room–down the hall?–that holds 40? And the rest of the people, if they show up, will just be. . .where? Around? In the hallway? Lobby? Take food back to their own rooms? Reminder of why we don’t visit H’s family. Chaos. Randomness. Poor planning. Other issue is that H’s Sis is the absolute SWEETEST person in the world. Big hearted. Generous to a fault, IMO. ( I have a lot of faults myself, but being overly generous has never been one of them.) So very difficult to say no to her. You just CAN’T hurt her feelings. But she always tends to bite off more than she can chew.
I’m assuming the hotel allows the food to be brought in. It is not a fancy hotel. I once attended another rehearsal dinner at a hotel–pizza and beer brought in–super classy.
Yes, I originally thought just getting there with H and six of our kids appropriately dressed + gift was practically heroic.
The sad thing is that H and his bro don’t even like each other. We are going more for the family reunion aspect of the weekend. And we do want to recognize and support their marriage. I hope the poor bride knows what she is getting into with this family!</p>
<p>jym-LOL–The “I’m with Stupid” Tshirts would be appropriate–but only for the IN-LAWS!</p>
<p>if the drinks will be mostly non-alcoholic, yes it’s less expensive, but it’s no one’s job to tell you what to pay for, for someone else’s wedding. Gosh, H and I had tuna sandwiches and potato chips at our camp site with our 4 guests.</p>
<p>awwwk!!! wall of text!!! my eyes are bleeding…;)</p>
<p>Oh, wait - ok, so go with your gut but give some thought as to what the long term relationships are/will be/want to be and don’t do something now that you will regret in the long term. If there is little to no long term ramification, just do what your instinct tells you is best.</p>
<p>I’d put my foot down on this one. It sounds cheesy to wear something to identify you as “groom’s family.” I don’t even think name tags are appropriate. This is a social event, not a business one. Besides, the whole point is for everyone to try to guess who everyone else is :-)</p>
<p>“We’d like the name of your contact at the hotel and we will make the drink arrangements.” Then you have control over whether you an go for open bar or go with wine/beer or some limits in what’s available. At that point, you also have contact and can somehow broach that it’s 100 people (in a 30pp room.)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t agree to clean up. The siblings are adults. There may be clean-up included in the cost of the room- but you’ll have that contact and can ask.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t wear some special id either. It’s not a hs reunion or convention. I think SIL is romanticizing.</p>
<p>I don’t know about yours, but among my Southern in-laws and friends, it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone, “Oh, you are taking on too much!” Or, “You are so close to him, we just can’t see getting in your way.” I don’t know if I could get away with this though: “Oh, this is so wonderful of you, why don’t you make it your gift to him and we’ll come up with another present.”</p>
<p>“We’d like the name of your contact at the hotel and we will make the drink arrangements.” Then you have control over whether you an go for open bar or go with wine/beer or some limits in what’s available. At that point, you also have contact and can somehow broach that it’s 100 people (in a 30pp room.)"</p>
<p>Great suggestion. Actually I think it comes off a little more refined just to have wine than to have a full open bar, but that’s my personal bias.</p>
:D</p>
:D</p>