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<p>Sounds like a lovely wedding.</p>
<p>I’ll add my voice to the choir. No way I’d wear a “special accessory”. Anyone who’d insist on one might quickly regret it because my side of the family could show up in Klingon masks (or worse!) to make us easily identifiable… Love jym’s suggestions, BTW.</p>
<p>What happened to the good old rule that the bride’s family is paying for the wedding? This would be the perfect instance to invoke it. :p</p>
<p>We use nametags (you know the ones that stick on) at large family events. Hi, my name is and then ask everyone to add a word or two to say who they are (groom’s sister, bride’s cousin, etc). Cheap solution and that way you can maybe put names with faces, not that this matters as you probably won’t see these folks after this weekend.</p>
<p>Family dynamics are strange. It is sometimes easier just to go with the flow, since it doesn’t sound like this is a repeating issue. (he gets no rehearsal dinner for a second wedding if there is one.) If your husband won’t muster the energy to object, then I think you just go with the flow, as hard as it is.</p>
<p>I have a friend and she often says, “Remember this too will end.” It is always good to remember that.
I often get through these kinds of things by remembering that they are one off occasions. After the fact, if you can get your husband to talk to his sister about future expectations, ie ask not demand, then that might be a good strategy.</p>
<p>Yes, arrange with the hotel/restaurant to “cut off” spending for drinks at $XXX amount. Otherwise, you could end up with a huge surprise. Bar bill at my niece’s wedding was $8k…and many attendees were non-drinkiers (kids and non-drinking adults).</p>
<p>Our rehearsal dinner was barbeque on picnic tables and card tables in MIL’s living room (it rained). Great time had by all! Not much rehearsing though.</p>
<p>Check out the drink situation for sure with hotel–sounds like it can’t be a big place. If they allow food to be brought in, do they allow drinks also?
Rehearsal dinners are usually only family and wedding party–are there that many family members to get to 100?</p>
<p>Which begs the question, what are 100 people rehearsing FOR? I thought the rehearsal dinner was for those IN the wedding party (and perhaps a significant other), after they held the REHEARSAL? At least, that’s how it was in the dark ages when H and I were married…</p>
<p>(crossposted with gouf…)</p>
<p>You have absolutely every right to be annoyed and to graciously decline each and every request. As others have pointed out these are not young adults, they are grown adults fully capable of planning their own wedding. </p>
<p>I would have been inclined to respond along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I haven’t even heard directly from my brother. I’m sure we’ll attend and wish them well, however this isn’t a part of the celebration I am comfortable participating in.” Rinse and repeat.</p>
<p>I would not be bullied into paying for parts of the rehearsal that should be organized, and paid for by the couple. Now, as part of the wedding gift if various siblings decided to cover this it should have been a group decision talked about prior to even offering, with a budget set and everyone agreeing to how much they could afford to contribute. It’s a lovely gesture. The appointment of what one will contribute and be responsible for with no prior input would not fly with me in any way. </p>
<p>Although a rather bold description I have to agree with the poster that said ‘your DH needs to grow a pair’ and talk to his sister (I honestly don’t mean to offend…my DH does not suffer fools until it comes to family issues when he just doesn’t want to make waves). If you are not willing to take part in any of this make that decision and tell her. If you are willing to pay the bar bill, get the name of the contact and instruct them YOU alone are making the decisions (so you don’t end up with 4hrs top shelf open bar). I would in no way agree to wearing anything identifying myself as the grooms family or being responsible for organizing/paying for it. Egads! A curt no to that one. That can be delegated to an older niece who will hopefully realize how hideous it sounds (and you don’t have to wear it).</p>
<p>Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Justamom is right–not even all family is usually invited to a rehearsal dinner–that’s what receptions are for. Wedding party, parents, pastor…pretty small list usually.</p>
<p>You have a real brood of kids there and you are the most important role model they have, even as young adults. As such, I would do your ranting here (and you have the right to be royally annoyed), but in front of others, you should try to take the high road. Be happy for the soon-to-be newlyweds. Be supportive of your husband and his family. Be a part of the celebration. As suggested, contact the hotel and make arrangements for an affordable beverage service. Perhaps another sibling would like to join you and your husband in this “gift.”</p>
<p>You might point out to your kids that their aunt could have given you more warning, sought your input, etc., but that … you’re still glad to be a part of this family celebration. (If you have to clench your teeth and lie, well, don’t do it. But can you try to put on a good face?)</p>
<p>Ahh, families. This is an appropriate thread this holiday week! I’m already practicing my zen in advance of dinner with the in-laws on Thursday.</p>
<p>Actually, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner seems to vary by region and by families even. In my case, Jewish southerners, we almost always invite all out of towners and family and the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>I would try to go with the flow, but only so far. Helping to clean up: fine. Make arrangements directly with the hotel regarding drinks. Decline to purchase some cheesy–or even non-cheesy-- thing identifying you as groom’s family.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for your SIL. It sounds like she is trying to construct some illusion of the family she wishes she had for this event.</p>
<p>BTW, if your designated role in the family is the evil outsider from another region, it doesn’t matter what you do. You will be criticized for it. BT/DT :rolleyes: Just do what YOU can live with going forward and what models good behavior to your kids.</p>
<p>I was 23 & h was 26 when we were married. We planned and paid for it ourselves, although it was a small wedding ( maid of honor & best man- about 80 guests), so we didn’t think we needed a rehersal or a rehersal dinner.</p>
<p>I would be embarrassed to be involved in the op situation. If the couple can’t afford their plans, they need to scale it down to what they can afford. I would not feel obligated to help them do so.</p>
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Good question! Maybe rehearsing for drama the next day?</p>
<p>Too bad B&G can’t just turn the rehearsal dinner into their actual wedding!</p>
<p>To the OP – and are there going to be bridal or couple showers you will be forced to either host or help host?</p>
<p>OP–in your post #12, you said the drinks would be “mostly non-alcoholic”. How do you know that’s what to expect?</p>
<p>Let me get this straight…your H and his brother are not close, have seen each other 2 times in the last 21 years. He is 47 years old and is getting married. H sister “informed” you guys that you “will” be paying for the drinks for rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>UH…I don’t think so…first of all, nobody should be dictating what you have to do. That would turn me off right away. </p>
<p>People like your H’s sister really make me angry. Just because they want to do something, doesn’t mean you have to. To dictate you have do it without the courtesy of even asking is beyond rude.</p>
<p>To be honest, if your H has seen his bro twice in 21 yeas, why even go…let alone pay for anything else.?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t agree to do any of that stuff. But if you feel you need to do something, you could give SIL a fixed amount of $ for drinks beforehand and then step away from the planning. SIL can figure out how to make it work.</p>
<p>I would not agree to an open bar bill. That’s just asking for trouble</p>
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<p>Nominally Jewish northerner here, and that’s how it’s done in our circles as well – all out-of-towners are invited to a rehearsal dinner, since they made the effort to come in from out of town.</p>
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<p>I’m sure a great time was had by all, but these threads always tend to devolve into a reverse snobbery of look-how-simply-and-superiorly-I-did-my-wedding-or-special-event, which is just as offputting as look-at-me-at-the-Ritz. There’s no superior virtue in either card tables in the basement with homemade cake and daisies from the garden or a full spread at the Ritz with white-gloved waiters and Martha Stewart-worthy flowers – it’s just what different families choose to do.</p>
<p>I’m sure a great time was had by all, but these threads always tend to devolve into a reverse snobbery of look-how-simply-and-superiorly-I-did-my-wedding-or-special-event, which is just as offputting as look-at-me-at-the-Ritz. There’s no superior virtue in either card tables in the basement with homemade cake and daisies from the garden or a full spread at the Ritz with white-gloved waiters and Martha Stewart-worthy flowers – it’s just what different families choose to do.</p>
<p>What I took from those descriptions, wasn’t that they went lowbrow as a political statement, but that there should be no embarrassment to entertaining within your means.</p>
<p>I would be annoyed also. I hate these situations and I hate when it’s my H’s family. Because he will not do anything and just lets things go. God forbid that he has an opinion or argues with anyone in his family. It’s just not done. Annoys the crap out of me.</p>
<p>This is what I think (and I think every family has one of these). I have the feeling that the bride and groom have been as highjacked by this as atomom as been. That the sister is bossy, while well intentioned, but bossy nonetheless. That the sister has dictated the entire rehearsal dinner and no one wants to tell her no. That includes the groom.</p>