<p>That’s what I was trying to communicate by my post about my inexpensive wedding, EK. H and I had been intending to get married in VT, where we live, but it wasn’t happening. When we found out how quickly and easily we could do it in the US Virgin Islands, we went for it. I enjoy attending weddings of all kinds and I don’t at all make a judgment about how people want to spend their own money. OP is being told how to spend her money and that’s the issue here. And yes, weddings at all levels of expensiveness can be beautiful and joyous.</p>
<p>Because he will not do anything and just lets things go. God forbid that he has an opinion or argues with anyone in his family. It’s just not done. Annoys the crap out of me.</p>
<p>Is there a history of alcoholism in the family?
I’ve observed that people who tiptoe around others/ especially family, have been raised to do that, because of the unpredictable behavior of a few.
The family will do anything not to mention the elephant in the room.
Throw someone into the mix who notices the elephant right away, and they become the bad guy, to the relief of everyone else.
:rolleyes:</p>
<p>“These threads always tend to devolve into a reverse snobbery”…
No reverse snobbery meant. We had fun with what we had.</p>
<p>Boy, would I be mad if my sister informed me that I was paying for X at somebody’s wedding. That would be equally true if the groom were an impoverished 19-year-old vs. a middle-aged millionaire. No one gets to spend my money for me. Not even if I am Bill Gates and Chateau Lafite for a huge crowd would be pocket change for me. That sort of demand is unbelievably rude, and doesn’t deserve any response beyond: “I’m sorry, that’s not in our plans. We’ll be there as guests.”</p>
<p>Although it wasn’t in a wedding context, I’ve had the experience of being “volunteered” by my parents to “tutor” a child of a feckless couple who waited to the very last night before the SATs. </p>
<p>Did I mention they didn’t check in with me beforehand as if they did…they’d realized I already had a prior commitment to work late that very night in question. As a result, I told my parents that it wasn’t my problem and I don’t violate prior professional commitments…especially not for feckless parents/children like that. </p>
<p>Although there was tension with my parents for a time, they got over it and realized I was right in that instance. </p>
<p>If I were you, I’d seriously consider declining to participate considering the chaotic tendencies of your in-laws and the arrogant manner in which your s-i-l demanded financial and other contributions to the wedding party without checking for your opinion on the matter. </p>
<p>Especially considering you’re already damned for being the “stingy Yankee”. Considering the way you described your in-laws…coming from them, I’d wear that label as a badge of pride. Better that than rewarding s-i-l for her highly arrogant presumptuous behavior IMHO.</p>
<p>*Quote:
Actually, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner seems to vary by region and by families even. In my case, Jewish southerners, we almost always invite all out of towners and family and the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>Nominally Jewish northerner here, and that’s how it’s done in our circles as well – all out-of-towners are invited to a rehearsal dinner, since they made the effort to come in from out of town.*</p>
<p>In Calif, we invited all those who came in from out of town as well. As PG wrote…since they made the effort to come…</p>
<p>That said, with 100 attending, the drink bill could be quite substantial…Alcoholic drinks can get rung up at $10+ each. …plus, typically “tip and tax” get added to the total…which can be another 25% added on top.</p>
<p>I also agree with the sentiment that others (like the SIL) should not be “obeyed” just because they have decreed that you should do something.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Why, it’s almost like Mao Zedong with the forced slave labor camps! (Just kidding, cobrat)</p>
<p>Here’s the thing - why aren’t the BRIDE and GROOM asking for help if they need it? Who died and left Sis as King?</p>
<p>I can relate, because I have a H who can’t say no to anyone, especially to his family, and his sis likes to take control of everything. Or she WOULD, but her mother still controls everything. But if there’s something MIL isn’t in control of - like a surprise gift for her - than SIL is all over it. And SIL has a way of playing the martyr and guilt-ing the rest of us into doing whatever she wants. One year she decided we should all take a weekend and go up to my in-laws’ ski condo in the off-season and repaint the entire interior for them. I was THRILLED when the youngest brother replied, “Under no circumstances. It’s a longer drive for the rest of us than it is for you, and it will end up being a weekend where you ‘supervise’ while we do all the work. No.”</p>
<p>At this point I think it’s too late to do anything but suck it up, follow the previous advice about the drinks (if it won’t cost too much), politely decline to wear any “accessory” and tell the SIL that the drinks are the extent of your contribution. “It was so nice of you to offer to coordinate, but it is too late to change any plans at this late date, and if there is something that truly needs help the BRIDE and GROOM will ask us to help.”</p>
<p>And just think of all the fun you’ll have laughing about this ridiculous situation in your own home for years to come. Whenever you think about hosting an event you can say, “I’ll know - we’ll just order sis to do it! She owes us one.”</p>
<p>atomom, </p>
<p>Gripe away. I had to push my jaw shut reading your OP. I think people who tell others how to spend their money are just wrong.</p>
<p>Are the couple unemployed and unable to pay?</p>
<p>Atomom, </p>
<p>It looks like you’ve been cornered by the family organizer. If you aren’t prepared to shell out for the drinks, your answer could be, “So sorry, but we can’t pay for that. Why don’t you arrange for a cash bar?”</p>
<p>If you feel that you must contribute something to this shindig, Determine what you can bring and/or pay and tell SIL that that is what you will do.</p>
<p>I’m with those who say ‘just say no’ to being ‘volunteered’ . I will admit I started adulthood as a doormat, and have relished gaining the ability to set boundaries against encroaching and presuming people.</p>
<p>Just today, my ex husband tried to invite himself to thanksgiving at my house. He’s persona non grata with his family at the moment. This is the man who made my life difficult for many years and is not helping pay for his S’ s college.</p>
<p>My first marriage was a smallish one that my parents could afford, and my second marriage was parents and siblings only, with my S as well. </p>
<p>OP, if you do go ahead with paying for some of this, I would definitely place limits on what you would be paying for- like wine and soft drinks.</p>
<p>I have been holding back on this one, but I will jump in. You have right to be annoyed that your husband family doesn’t operate the same way you do. You have a right to be annoyed that your husband goes along with them. BUT, you don’t get to say no – that is your husband’s place. The two of you should decide how much money and effort you can put into this wedding and then your husband gets to deal with it. You smile and nod.</p>
<p>Sibling relationships are some of the strongest and most enduring, even in families where it appears that siblings are not close. You may see his brother as someone you see every ten years, but your husband sees him as a link to his childhood, his family and his past. Powerful stuff. </p>
<p>Someone once told me “Hang on to your sisters. You never know when you might need a kidney.”</p>
<p>Say NO now to paying open bar tab–your H has to do it. No way around it but the sooner the better so they can find someone else to pay the bill or have NO alcohol and just water and/or punch or make alternative plans.</p>
<p>I wonder if Sis has been reading this thread. . .or my mind. She actually sent me an email apologizing, that she knows I have my hands full. . . (after I told her we could help with set up, serving, though schedule is tight–we have to pick up D at the airport at a certain time, and then get back to hotel to set up.) But Sis is still telling people I am “supervising” the set up, because I have the most “experience” in these things (like hundreds of church pot lucks?) And asking my advice on decorations etc., I just keep telling her it is up to her, whatever she wants is fine with me. . . 
Younger sis, who has a great sense of humor, also nixed the “identifying item”–she suggested we should all wear hair nets! Big sis got the message and has given up on that one.<br>
Lololu–I agree, H has to deal with HIS family. The main reason we are going is for the “family reunion” --seeing other sibs and cousins etc. Though I doubt the groom has a lot of warm fuzzy feelings for H-- H was the cruel, teasing big brother–at least H is attending (unlike other bro., who will be missed) which means something.
Guest list is now down to 75. This is for the out-of-towners staying at the hotel. H will be paying for soft drinks only. Bride’s family (ours are non-drinkers or extremely light drinkers) is bringing beer/wine. I suppose H will feel pressured by Sis and her H to kick in for the food, too. Just have to cover my eyes on that one, and remind myself that I contributed (along with my six sibs) to my parents 50th anniversary party a couple years ago. The difference is that, for that event, it was all decided months ahead of time and H and I and sibs/spouses all agreed on the budget. (Why can’t HIS family do things the RIGHT way–like MINE? 
) And my firm belief that older adults (yes, they are both employed) should pay for their own weddings. Venting here, keeping mouth shut in real life. Let you know how it goes. . .</p>
<p>atomom,</p>
<p>Just think…in a couple of years, when one of yours is getting married, or if you want to throw a big party for your H’s milestone birthday–have a little bit of fun and tell Sis what she is doing/paying for in honor of your family’s special occasion.</p>
<p>Atomom, Just keep smiling and nodding. My husband’s family are the nicest people in the world, my family is the one that is scatterbrained and disorganized. All I know is that if he tried to manage my family it would not be pretty and it would be HIM I would be mad at. There is something about that bond with the person who knows all your deep dark secrets from childhood that just comes forward at the weirdest times.</p>
<p>My older daughter, who is employed, is planning her own birthday celebration in a couple of weeks. She wants younger D and boyfriend, who are both still students, to attend. I referenced this thread when I told younger D that she needed to learn NOW how to politely set financial boundaries with her sister.</p>
<p>Wow. Just wow. I’ve been away from CC for a bit and am catching up this weekend. OP, I saw your post and couldn’t believe it! Yes, I would be annoyed!! It sounds like you have things under control now. It’s hard to swallow because of the principle of the situation, but sometimes it’s easier (in the long run) to go with the flow. I would definitely make sure you are paying only for soft drinks and no alcohol. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>I agree with Lololu.
</p>
<p>My father was the eldest son of of 11 children. My Mom was one of six daughters-in-law with a very demanding and strong-willed mother-in-law and she always advised me in order to keep harmony within the family, one just has to be accommodating and toss fairness aside. If you can afford to pay for the drinks, just put a limit on it.</p>
<p>At my D’s wedding, 98% of the people were from out of town and though I limited my family numbers for the rehearsal dinner (because the groom’s side was paying), I invited all my town of town friends and family for an open house at home the next day.</p>
<p>Reading this, I don’t get the feeling that the issue is financial, but the highhanded tactics of Big Sis. </p>
<p>Since your H has trouble dealing with the family decide together how you want to deal with this.</p>
<p>Sis is not going to change, so it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to be part of the festivities. </p>
<p>Sometimes it does take begging off on a previous commitment.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I’d feel too comfortable when there has been no communication between the groom and your H. You can be happy for the bro without attending if there is not real relationship there.</p>
<p>Since you have decided to attend, I think paying for soft drinks for the dinner is a good compromise. You indicate that it is within your means, and if the siblings are doing this, being part of the family means going along to some degree, even if Big Sis’s tactics are deplorable.</p>
<p>Yes, family closeness can’t be manufactured, which Big Sis seems bent on doing as someone says.</p>
<p>You have taken the high road. Annoyance is totally understandable. I hope you and your family have a good time and that your kids enjoy being with all their cousins.</p>
<p>And good deal on not having a tacky identifier.</p>