another wedding etiquette GRIPE!

Parent Cafe
61

<p>*Because he will not do anything and just lets things go. God forbid that he has an opinion or argues with anyone in his family. It’s just not done. Annoys the crap out of me.</p>

<p>==========</p>

<p>Is there a history of alcoholism in the family?
I’ve observed that people who tiptoe around others/ especially family, have been raised to do that, because of the unpredictable behavior of a few.</p>

<p>The family will do anything not to mention the elephant in the room.</p>

<p>Throw someone into the mix who notices the elephant right away, and they become the bad guy, to the relief of everyone else.
*</p>

<p>EMK…wow…that is so true. Not meaning to derail, but this explains my MIL’s behavior. She’s an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (her father). She has spent her life tip-toeing around “elephants in the room” (horrible behavior from some of her 8 kids and her husband). When I would observe some oddness in family dynamics/behavior, she and her kids would look at me like I was either wrong or outrageous for actually stating the obvious. Your post provided such insight. (BTW…altho MIL does not have a drinking problem, on the rare occasion that she does have a drink or two…the result is like a truth serum.)</p>

<p>Back to topic…</p>

62

<p>The way I figure it, both brothers are around halfway through life’s journey and your H was the one (you said) who is remembered by the younger brother as being teasing and a bit unkind, as children. He was the much older brother, perhaps feared? by the younger.</p>

<p>To be way too blunt, I think you’ve got the wrong focus here. Sure the Sister-in-law was overfunctioning and caused you a lot of stress by making monetary demands rather than requests. She was wrong, but she was just being family in her over-the-top way, which i wouldn’t have appreciated either. But…</p>

<p>Is it possible to refocus? Is it bringing you or your H any joy that this bachelor brother has finally found someone to share the second chapter of his life with? Instead of fussing over the messy, disorganized family of H, you could be beaming out some genuine joy for this brother. That doesn’t mean you have to pay for a thing! But you haven’t expressed here any feeling of joy on behalf of the little brother. You may feel it and just haven’t said it here, of course!</p>

<p>Regarding the absence of communcation with brother: You have no idea what hurts or resentments he holds against your H, that there’s been no communication all these years. He may have a long list.</p>

<p>This is your chance – you and your husband – to imprint a very different memory of celebration for your brother’s happiness. I think you could do that without do a single bit of “contribution” – don’t get me wrong, I’m not guilting you into THAT. </p>

<p>But if I were you, I’d use the as an opportunity for the brothers to mend fences. Rather than do whatever the Sister-in-law dictates, I’d be busy figuring out something absolutely wonderful, heartfelt and memorable to give the couple as a gift. If the oldest brother happens to be the one who holds a lot of family memorabilia or great old photos, it’d be a time to pass some sentimental heirloom along to someone so far down in birth order as this younger brother. Or, if you have a great house and they don’t, have you considered offering them use of your house for a week (additional honeymoon) sometime this year while you go away to vacation? </p>

<p>If Sister-in-law hadn’t gotten in therre and soured the situation, you’d be better able to focus on the fact that this brother found someone to marry. That’s actually wonderful. Think on it: he won’t have to grow old alone! Can you refocus on that instead of all this other?</p>

63

<p>They are married. Yes, I’m happy for them. Bride is very sweet, from a nice family. I think she’ll be good for him.
We ended up paying for soft drinks and HALF the food. And I/family members were on our feet from 4-11pm setting up, serving, and cleaning up. About the $, I just turned it over to H and let him make the decisions on it/let it go. His sister, and her f-i-l both mentioned to H how much it cost and how they couldn’t afford it. . .H told me to write a check. “Noblesse oblige,” H always says. . .Sis seemed happy and said I didn’t have to give her “so much.” (I hope that wasn’t Southern for “I was hoping for more.” ) And we gave a cash gift to the couple. If sis is thanked, I hope she will give us some credit. (I don’t like the idea of the groom thinking we didn’t contribute when we did.)
RE: above post, about their relationship: H is 5 years older than the groom–I think there is some jealously of H, who has been more “successful.” (Also, bro is very short and H is tall.) They never had a fight/falling out. Just different lifestyles, drifting apart over the years. Verbal teasing went on when they were young, but nothing bad or physical. According to H, the worst thing he ever did was tell bro that he was “god” and was controlling bro’s thoughts, which really creeped out bro.</p>

<p>We found out when we arrived that the large wedding party included several of groom’s friends, ALL of groom’s brothers-IN-LAW, (bride’s bro. and groom’s 2 sisters’ husbands) and ALL of groom’s nephews (4)-- except OUR sons. H’s cousin did a reading.
IMO, H was obviously “dissed”–(Am I wrong?) especially since there was an extra bridesmaid without a partner (one guy walked with two girls)–so it looked like they could have used another groomsman. (H saved $ on tuxedo rental!) Knowing his bro., H was not surprised or offended and was very helpful, sociable, kind, etc. all weekend–class act. H made a good impression, and so did our kids. I smiled and nodded and agreed with everyone.
Lots of interesting drama (Did I mention the mentally ill sis off her meds?) and awkward moments, but overall a nice time, pretty ceremony, enjoyable reception. Groom has a theater background and is a good singer. At the reception, he and the bride sang “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” with personalized lyrics–very cute/funny.</p>

<p>btw, p3t–not something we could offer–we do not have nice house. People sleep on our couches/in our basement when they are passing thru town, which I would offer this couple if they wanted to visit–but I’m 100% sure they wouldn’t take us up on it! (We have 7 kids, and I think that horrifies them.)<br>
Funny you mention family heirlooms–none to speak of, parents were poor, sisters have photos. But you reminded me of this: After their mom’s funeral, ('97) H asked his dad what happened to a piece of artwork Mom made that used to hang in their kitchen. H said he’d like to have it in memory of his mom. Bro and sis were there and youngest sis (who still lived at home) told H it was buried in the garage somewhere. H said he would dig it out the next time he came to town. As soon as our family left, H’s bro (the groom), went to find the artwork (which he would not have known/cared about if he hadn’t heard H mention it) and took it home himself. H asked his dad about it the next time he visited, and when dad told him bro. had already taken the artwork, (and H said something like, “That sneaky little rascal!”) H’s dad said, “Let him have it, son–you have everything, wife, children, education, profession, home–and he has nothing.” H never mentioned it again to his dad, and never mentioned it to sibs. ( We have joked about it privately, but both H and I had completely forgotten about this incident. Only the mention of H possibly giving bro some family heirloom in the previous post brought it to mind!)
Another time, a couple years ago, H was in bro.'s city and called him up. Bro. didn’t answer when he saw it was H, but called his sister (in another state) and said “Bro is calling me–what does HE want?” Sis (who doesn’t keep in touch with H, either) said, “How should I know–why don’t you call him back and find out!?” Which he didn’t. Sis told us this story this weekend.
Then there was the recent email to sis about “not having time to chase down” H “to beg him to be a part of the wedding.” (again,they are FB friends–no chasing needed.)
Anyway, in light of these incidents, it seems like bro. wants to get back at H, or hurt/annoy him, but is somehow afraid of him too (maybe feels guilty about taking the artwork?) But H is impervious to this stuff. Maybe it annoys bro more that H doesn’t react? (H doesn’t care about the artwork/being excluded from wedding party. I care very little–only as an indication of bro’s character and his relationship with H.) My impression is that bro is immature (or crazy?) and that is just the way he’ll stay. So we did our family duty. It was good to see everyone. Now we can retreat back into our busy lives, states away from everyone. I doubt anything will change with H and bro’s relationship–except that from now on, bro’s wife will send us a Christmas card!</p>

64

<p>thanks for the update, atomom! I had been following this thread without having posted on it. There is a lot to be said about perception, what matters to one person means nothing to another. And, it sounds like your bil is wanting a relationship with his brother but is angry about something and wants your H to care enough to apologize about something your H may not even realize happened.</p>

65

<p>^^^Yep. And whatever it is is between your H and his brother ( and maybe his sister). Keep out of sibling relations, they are full of twists and turns that only those involved can even begin to fathom. Keep smiling and nodding. Although it sounds like maybe you could establish a nice relationship with the new wife. Maybe the two of you could sit on the couch with a nice glass of wine, watching “Say Yes to the Dress” while the boys duke it out in the other room.</p>

66

<p>“Sis seemed happy and said I didn’t have to give her “so much.” (I hope that wasn’t Southern for “I was hoping for more.” )”</p>

<p>No. Being a Southerner, I would interpret that as, “Oh THANK GOD!! I was worried. I had no idea how we were going to cover that expense. I was worried about the funds coming together.”</p>

67

<p>Your husband sounds like a class act - you too by the way. Way to handle a difficult situation that could have been quite uncomfortable. Thank heavens you have means and are generous people, or there could have been even MORE awkwardness in the relationships.</p>

<p>I would keep my distance socially and let THEM and/or your husband lead that circus. As another poster said, just keep nodding and smiling.</p>