<p>Several of my friends are hosting a bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law. In the past year I have been a co-host at 2 different bridal showers, and the mother of the bride gave us each a “thank you” gift at one shower but not at another. It never occurred to me that we should be given a gift for hosting, but now that I am in this position, I’m wondering whether giving a thank you gift to the hostesses is typical, and if so, should it come from me, because it’s my friends giving the shower, or should it come from the bride as the person being honored?</p>
<p>I have a feeling that there may be regional differences/customs on this; hence, back to my CC mavens!</p>
<p>It sounds like a nice gesture to me, and I would do it. Something like a delivery of a nice flower arrangement with a thank you note. I don’t think it is “required,” per se.</p>
<p>I have to say that although they can be fun, I am generally anti-bridal shower, especially multiple showers for one bride, especially if people are invited to more than one and especially if people who have little relationship with the couple are invited.</p>
<p>I was also wondering about when the phenomenon of multiple bridal showers got out of hand? Used to be that there was one or possibly two if the families of bride and groom were not in the same geographical area. Back in the dark ages of my engagement, my sister (I assume with the help of another bridesmaid or two and my mother) managed to plan and execute a bridal shower with both sides of the family (my future in laws lived about an hour way), local friends and college friends. All without internet, email invitations or cell phones. Good old fashioned phone calls, paper lists and snail mail. Everyone got to meet each other in advance of the wedding, a good time was had by all and we were done-one and done!</p>
<p>Now it seems the endless engagement parties, multiple showers and bachelorette party all precede a wedding that also now seems to encompass an entire weekend (at minimum)! More attention should be paid to the marriage and less to the wedding (IMHO)!</p>
<p>Consolation, I do agree with you in general–but I was lucky enough to have 7 friends who independently said they wanted to entertain for me–and since the bride is not from our city, but will be moving here soon (!!!) this is a nice opportunity for her to meet our friends in a more relaxed way than at the wedding. Her aunt is giving a shower for her in her home city, which I will be attending, so that I will get to meet her family/friends as well. All of my friends know DS very well, and they are anxious to meet and get to know future DIL.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem with multiple showers at all. The audiences are different. For ds1, I had two showers – one was a laid-back couples affair given by a co-worker. Another was more traditional that included my mom and sister and other family members.</p>
<p>Dg…sounds lovely. A very nice way to all meet. </p>
<p>Personally, I hate any shower other than the type that requires soap. It always seems to be a way to ask for a gift. If you feel the same, you could ask gifts to be optional or donations made to the charity of the invitees choice. In these tough economic times, it’s hard to assume all can do both an engagement and wedding gift. </p>
<p>A note or small gift to the hostess would be appropriate. A toast at the event may suffice as well. </p>
<p>I think it’s the place of the honoree to be giving thank-you gifts to hostesses – not yours. I think flowers, a nice edible gift basket of some sort or something of that sort are fine. If you decide to write a nice thank-you to your friends, that’s great, but I really think it’s up to your future DIL to do the “heavy lifting” in terms of the thank you.</p>
<p>As for multiple showers - I agree with YDS; it’s often different audiences. For example, my mother’s friends held a shower for me in my hometown for that “audience” (my mother’s friends, women who had seen me grow up, etc.), whereas my future SIL’s held a shower for me in my new town that was more for my friends / that crowd. The only people in common between the two were my mother, sister, and gmother.</p>
<p>As for weddings that encompass an entire weekend - I did that 25 years ago (I was married on a holiday weekend) … Dinner for out of towners on Friday night, pool party and bridesmaids luncheon on Saturday during the day, rehearsal dinner on Saturday night, brunch on Sunday, the actual wedding and reception on Sunday night, and then a going-away brunch for out of towners on Monday morning. It was on the more extravagant side but it wasn’t really anything usual, IMO. I think when you invite people to a different city (and most of my invitees were out of towners), I think you do owe them some food / activities over the weekend.</p>
<p>dg,
I have been involved in hosting luncheons, a shower, and an out of town brunch following the wedding in the last few years. I received a small thank you gift from the bride in all cases, although I’m well aware that they were all purchased by the bride’s mother. My favorite was a small engraved Mariposa String of Pearls statement tray ( about 4" x 7"). I’ve also received a set of Tervis tumblers and a wooden cheese board with a small spreader. I personally prefer to host non-gift parties, but the shower I helped with last year was the only party held in honor of the bride and involved a number of hostesses. Most of the gifts brides are receiving in my area at these showers are the wedding gifts and it affords the giver the opportunity to see the bride open the gift.</p>
<p>dg, the opportunity for your future DIL to meet your friends before the wedding is particularly nice since she will be moving there. It sounds like a lovely occasion, and how nice of your friends to do it. :)</p>
<p>I provided the venue ( and for the most part arranged ) a shower for my daughter’s best friend
She was the maid of honor and was living in LA. It was nice , but odd because the bride’s request was for donations for the local animal shelter in lieu of gifts
Lovely gesture on her part , but not m cup of tea.</p>
<p>It was during the summer and we held it in my backyard and turned out to be pleasant
he girls were a little young and inexperienced and my daughter didn’t have the money to host it somewhere else
while I didn’t get ay gifts for hosting the event , I did get a lovely thank you note that was very personal and meant a lot to me , since they were friends from 3rd grade and beyond</p>
<p>I have to say that I have never been to a shower that was given by friends of the bride or grooms parents. It seems so nice of your friends to want to do this. Do they provide the party space, food etc.? If so, at the very least, the bride should send a nice note. If she can afford it a small gift that sounds nice. </p>
<p>I have been to showers hosted by the bride’s mother, the groom’s mother and both mothers. I have been to showers where various aunts contributed cooking and so forth. Some of the showers that my friends had when we all were getting married were just for the girls. That you have such close friends to do this is really nice. </p>
<p>One thing that I thought was not so nice way back when was when the bride’s sister invited the bride’s friends to a restaurant for a shower and then told everyone it was dutch treat after they rsvp’d. I thought that was so tacky. I would have volunteered my small apartment at the time and cooked rather than do that. Everyone would have been willing to bring pot luck too, rather than the shower “she” threw. I think she embarrassed herself,the bride, and most of all her guests. It was terribly tacky how she divided the check too at the luncheon. It is funny though because I don’t think that she even cared that she did this and embarrassed people. I think all she cared about what that she did not pay for the lunch of her sister’s five friends (although she did pay for the groom’s mother and sister). I guess it was ok with the bride, since she never said anything about it. I definitely don’t recommend this type of shower.</p>
<p>That is tacky! Better to provide inexpensive punch and cake if that’s all you can afford, than to make people pay.</p>
<p>I hosted a shower for a girlfriend of mine at a restaurant – her fiance’s sister (who wasn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier) showed up as anticipated but also brought a (female) guest, some girl who we all had no idea who she was and didn’t know my friend at all!! I kind of had no choice but to be gracious and seat her and chit-chat with her and pay for her meal, but it was aggravating since this was a specialty restaurant and it wasn’t cheap.</p>
<p>The best showers I’ve ever thrown were those with a theme – I’ve done tea themes and I’ve also hosted at a pottery painting place, which gives people a chance to meet and mingle and saves everyone from the drape-the-bride-in-toilet-paper or guess-the-baby-jars-of-food games.</p>
<p>Technically it’s not supposed to be any member of the bride’s immediate family - though I have to confess, I threw both wedding and baby showers for my younger sister. Her girlfriends were just all starting out and didn’t have two nickels to rub together to spend on things like showers, and I could afford it more easily (I am a lot older than my sister, so we were just at different life stages), so there you have it. I like her girlfriends a lot, we all get along great, so we just put all their names on the invitation along with mine and I was the one who footed the bill.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I think you are right in principle that any gift should come from the honoree herself–but I’m not sure that she–or her mom–would know this. She is the first of her friends to marry, and with respect to her mom, the first child in her mom’s circle of friends to do so. I don’t want my friends to think she has bad manners, but I can’t think of a non-bossy or nonjudgmental way to convey this idea, because if she was going to do it anyway, then it sounds like I am underestimating her, and if she wasn’t, then it sounds like I’m being bossy. Also, we are Southern and the bride and her family are not–does anyone think there are regional custom differences here?</p>
<p>Twenty one years ago when a friend of my husband’s gave me a bridal shower, I sent her flowers after the shower as a thank you. I don’t think you are under any obligation to give a thank you gift in this situation.</p>
<p>Yes, there are definitely regional differences. In fact, sometimes there are neighborhood or social circle differences. You just do the best you can to try to comply with social expectations without going crazy. One person does something and then it becomes an expectation.</p>
<p>I’d say if you are in compliance with Emily Post, don’t worry too much. Good luck.</p>
<p>Out here: definitely a thank you gift is in order. What and price point is up to the bride.</p>
<p>On multiple showers in the same city: I have a friend who’s immediate family is over 80 people…no including the children. Lots of friends and I’m not including the relatives for the “other side”. What was done here was that everyone who was invited to multiple showers either rewrapped their gift (or reboxed with a ribbon) or brought an envelope that said what they had purchased. This way the family/bridesmaids went to a lot of fun parties, but didn’t have to purchase multiple gifts.</p>
<p>And the shower didn’t have 180 people in attendance.</p>