<p>So d1 is getting married next week :eek: and I realized I could probably get better advice about tipping here than IRL. Your anecdotes and opinions welcome!</p>
<p>Im mostly wondering about how, and a little about who and how much. D chose a well-regarded caterer (lots of 5-star reviews and official caterer of a major sports team, so I figure their way is How Its Done). They say its customary to tip 15-20 percent of food and beverage costs (not, thankfully, linen/tableware rental, delivery charge, etc.) in cash on the day of the event, by giving an envelope to the event coordinator, who will take care of distribution. </p>
<p>The idea of an envelope stuffed with 50s makes me uncomfortable. I dont like the thought of keeping track of it during the hectic hours leading up to the reception, for one thing. And though I believe in good tipping, Id like the option of adjusting the amount depending upon the service we receive. If certain members of the staff are clearly working harder than others, shouldnt they receive more? </p>
<p>I read a chirpy magazine article (wish theyd stop writing those) that insists its traditionally the best man who distributes the tips. Hes a great guy, but hell be doing well to remember the rings that day. I want him to enjoy his brothers big event, not have to keep track of a fair amount of money. So is it better if dh or I distribute the tips? And when? At least one of us (me) will be upright at the end of the evening.</p>
<p>Also who else should be tipped? The magazine article made it sound as if dh should just bring a roll of cash with him and keep pressing it on anyone who isnt there as a guest until its gone. Im thinking that business owners (the photographer, the DJ) wouldnt be tipped since they set their own fees, but their assistants would? And would we tip a percentage of the fee for their services, or a flat amount that seems reasonable?</p>
<p>In my experience, it’s typical to give the envelope to the event coordinator or head of catering and he/she will distribute the tips to the staff. I’ve never heard of a member of the family going around to the various bartenders and waiters at the end of the night. I suggest that you discuss it with the catering coordinator - who will know exactly what will work with that particular staff, who undoubtedly work together all of the time. While the wedding is a huge deal for you, as it should be, this is routine for them and they will know exactly what to do. You will be too busy to worry about who should get a larger tip and such. It does sound like a good idea to let the best man handle the cash.</p>
<p>I would give an envelope to the caterer, photographer, band, and then let them deal with it. I think it would be too stressful for you or your H to be walking around giving out cash to each individual. I did that for both kids’ sweet 16 parties, my parents birthday party.</p>
<p>Thanks, Gmom and oldfort! I didn’t mean that I’d necessarily micromanage the tips or that I’d try to chase each waiter down (not what you said, I know, but a funny mental picture. Especially for me because my feet are going to be killing me by 10 PM). I’m trying to have a better understanding of how it’s likely to go. Give the coordinator the gratuity envelope after dessert and, if someone has been especially helpful, maybe mention that to her?</p>
<p>I think it is a good idea to mention individuals who have been especially helpful, or gone over and beyond. As the head caterer, he/she may want to take care of those individuals better or hire them again for the next event.</p>
<p>In principle, I really dislike tipping. If it costs 1.20 X cost then just charge me that, especially at a special event like weddding, who wants to worry about it.</p>
<p>Congratulations. Happy life to the lucky couple.</p>
<p>As a dj for 20 yrs, I played many private parties but I never got tipped and never did my assistant. But before anybody jokes, yes, I did get a lot of repeat business.
I was lucky if I was invited to join in the meal.
But I had no complaint about that. I agree with OP, as dj, I set my price.
However, occasionally I got a thank you note from B & G just like they sent to guests that gave gifts. I thought a lot of that.</p>
<p>On a side note, there is always an obvious risk to handing an event planner cash, or even a check to distribute as tips for staff. One has no way of knowing if all the money is actually passed out as a tip, or if it is passed out in the proportion the host would choose.</p>
<p>That sounds like a good plan, frazzled. I’d do everything possible ahead of time to minimize details during the event. I REALLY prefer adding the 20% to the credit card - that’s what I did for a recent family occasion, so I wouldn’t be bothered with another detail. Congratulations and good luck for a wonderful day!</p>
<p>There’s a reason they want cash … and it has to do with the trackability and traceability. And the taxes. And the accounting. And the payroll. And the credit card processing charges. </p>
<p>Cash means they just hand out the 20s and nobody gets tasked with doing the math. </p>
<p>I agree, I would really prefer they just price the product where it needs to be priced and forget this tip stuff. Or at least let me charge it with the rest of the bill.</p>
<p>Very true, cnp, but it also depends on where it’s held. If it’s at a restaurant or a hotel, you can usually add it to the bill. If it’s at another location - historic house, park, at home, etc. they want cash because many caterers use freelancers for these events and they want to pay them that night.</p>
<p>At some of the weddings I have gone to recently, I noticed that with an open bar, many of the guests will throw down a $5, $10 or $20 for the bartender when they got their drinks.</p>
<p>Woody, your kidding! Wow! At every family celebration we have, everyone makes sure that there are no “tip jars/plates/baskets” left out. I am really surprised that people slap down tip money at the bar. I have heard of guests paying for their drinks at some receptions, but I have never actually seen it. We did go to one party years ago where a relative asked for something “top shelf” (don’t recall exactly what it was) and he was told that the hosts did pay for “top shelf”. The relative made it a point of announcing this to everyone at our table, which I think is pretty tacky.</p>
<p>Thank you! woody, I was never aware of people tipping bartenders at events like weddings and reunions, but I understand it’s done all the time. My d’s catering contract specifies that no tip jars are permitted at the venue. However, my d is pretty sure that the bartenders will accept discreet tips (whatever that means) because her fiancee tips the bartender every time they go to a wedding. Apparently he hands the guy $20 when he gives their first order, and the guy “takes care of them” for the rest of the evening. Who knew? I don’t drink but maybe that’s why I’ve occasionally had to wait 20 minutes for a Diet Coke? ;)</p>
<p>What I take from this is: 1.) I don’t really know what the young people are up to these days; and 2.) Instead of worrying about whether our kids can find jobs after they graduate, we should just pay for them to take a bartending course.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, Frazzled! I didn’t even say congratulations to you!! I’m sure the groom is a lucky guy!
(The last wedding I went to (my nephew’s) had a very ‘merry’ crowd and keeping the wine and beer flowing freely at the open bar was definitely a priority. I have never in my life seen a bartender pour so quickly - he was a machine! He definitely remembered me and had a drink ready for me before I even approached the bar. And yes, he made out like a bandit!)</p>
<p>In the case of the caterers the tip is generally (here) included in the cost…generally 18 to20% of the total bill. I have always found it helpful to give a tip PRIOR to the start of the party, to the captain to ensure service. </p>
<p>The same goes to the bartender (if he or she is a private contractor).</p>
<p>I must confess that I have never tipped the DJ. My bad.</p>
<p>Belated thanks to all who responded to this thread. It was a beautiful wedding! I made the mistake of not checking up on the caterers because it’s such a well-established firm, with a million 4 and 5 star online reviews, and I wanted just to enjoy the celebration. Mistake. Don’t do that, MOBs. I won’t the next time around.</p>
<p>There were several problems, which might have justified a less-generous tip if I’d been aware of them. Because I wasn’t, I just handed the onsite coordinator the cash envelope after the cake was served. The biggest - running out of alcohol at least an hour before the bar was supposed to close, though wine and beer were still available. (You’d think that a bunch of W&M nerds couldn’t give Virginia Tech frat boys much competition in the alcohol consumption department. You’d be wrong, though.) This was obviously in violation of the contract.</p>
<p>Another annoying problem - the bartenders had a tip jar out, though the contract expressly forbids it. And apparently it wasn’t just a jar - it was a medium-sized BOWL placed front and center on the bar. I never went to the bar and never thought the staff would break the contract so openly. A guest mentioned it to me after the wedding was over, and I’ve since confirmed it with several others.</p>
<p>You’d think the catering coordinator (she planned the event but wasn’t onsite) would be appalled to hear about two contract violations. You’d be wrong here, too. She was defensive and contradictory, and insulted my intelligence by telling me that a guest must have “created” the tip jar when the bartenders were working too hard to notice and/or see it. </p>
<p>She also cleared up the notion of whether or not you tip a bartender when you’re a wedding guest - she said “the money has to go somewhere because of course you tip your bartender.” Really, who knew? :rolleyes: I mean, I was the hostess, and I did tip the bartenders. So again, I’ve gotta wonder - why pay for graduate school? The real money is in bartending at weddings.</p>
<p>What would you consider a fair response on the caterer’s part?</p>
<p>At the very least, an apology. Your experience points out that it may be best to pass out tips at the end of the event, after the service is assessed.</p>
<p>As for the tip bowl ,I have never seen this at any wedding or affair. The host tips, not the guests. You hear about cash bars being done, too, but that doesn’t make them any less tacky or inappropriate. Definitely a lack of communication here somewhere, especially since your contract expressly calls for NO tip jar.</p>
<p>I have never been to a place with an open or cash bar where there wasn’t a tip jar. Even though we pay a lot of money for tickets to fundraisers where there is an open bar, we pay a lot of “tip money” for our free drinks, even though most of them are nonalcoholic.</p>
<p>I would think the event coordinator should handle this distribution, but if I’m especially pleased with service, I like to put the tip in the server’s hand, to make sure they get it. I also leave a higher tip at a restaurant with a busboy, as I learned from my brothers that the waitresses tip the busboys, so I want to make sure she gets enough of a tip so she’s willing to share with the busboys, too.</p>
<p>If I was lucky enough to have a child getting married, if a busboy/bartender/server, helped me carry things to my car, or get me a cab, I would make sure to put a tip in their hand, to show my appreciation for their personal service. It passes on the message to them that good customer service is valued and should be encouraged.</p>
(not what you said, I know, but a funny mental picture. Especially for me because my feet are going to be killing me by 10 PM). I’m trying to have a better understanding of how it’s likely to go. Give the coordinator the gratuity envelope after dessert and, if someone has been especially helpful, maybe mention that to her?</p>
woody, I was never aware of people tipping bartenders at events like weddings and reunions, but I understand it’s done all the time. My d’s catering contract specifies that no tip jars are permitted at the venue. However, my d is pretty sure that the bartenders will accept discreet tips (whatever that means) because her fiancee tips the bartender every time they go to a wedding. Apparently he hands the guy $20 when he gives their first order, and the guy “takes care of them” for the rest of the evening. Who knew? I don’t drink but maybe that’s why I’ve occasionally had to wait 20 minutes for a Diet Coke? ;)</p>