<p>D is in a bridal party in August for a wedding that has now been confronted with a dilemma that threatens harm to otherwise excellent relationships. No villains, just nice people with competing interests.</p>
<p>Bride and groom both come from broken homes. Groom’s father remained involved with kids, bride’s father abandoned the family years ago. Both families were raised by mothers and all parties get along.</p>
<p>The mother of the groom asked the bride what her thoughts were as to an appropriate song for the mother-son dance. Bride told mother they can not have a special dance because she can’t dance with her father. Mother was shocked and devastatated because this is her only son. The bride told the mother that she can dance with her son but no special song, no cleared dancefloor, no photographer pictures and no attention can be called to it. </p>
<p>I can see both sides and find it sad that there are such hard feelings. Is there a compromise?</p>
<p>Don’t photographers usually take lots of pictures of people dancing without “calling attention to it”? I know that even in the dark ages when I got married (before video!) we had pictures of couples dancing (actually standing and posing for the picture) with other people around dancing as well. No one thought anything of it.</p>
<p>Can’t the photographer discreetly take a picture of her dancing with her son?</p>
<p>If not, can she have the picture taken before the reception, so it looks like they’re dancing?</p>
<p>“Can’t the photographer discreetly take a picture of her dancing with her son?”</p>
<p>But the proofs go to the bride and seeing that would hurt the bride and cause trust issues. It would just be nice if there could be a solution that everyone could feel good about.</p>
<p>I am guessing that there will be pictures of groom and mom, so perhaps that should be mentioned to the bride. She isn’t a psycho, but I guess this brings back abandonment issues.</p>
<p>I am a mother of sons and a MIL. I think a MOG should not demand/insist/beg to be the center of attention at her son’s wedding. It won’t be in her long term self-interest. If the future DIL offers, that is a different discussion. Over the years there may be times where a MIL has to disagree with a DIL. This is not one of those times. Please just let it go - IMHO.</p>
<p>My DIL likes me enough to come to my house for all the holidays When she has children, I want her to bring them. When they are old enough, I want her to allow them to travel with me. That is what matters to me… not wedding photos.</p>
<p>Our son is also getting married to the future dil. Her side has a divorce. Her parents can be in a room together…but not much else. We will be talking soon about “stuff”. My family, small as it is gets along. </p>
<p>And then we have Mr. Ellebud’s family. Future dil is Jewish and far more religious than my family will ever be. The question has to come up…Should we invite Mr. Ellebud’s brother and sil? Now, in likelihood they will be busy. I said to Mr. Ellebud that he and Junior Ellebud decide. This chasm between us is huge.</p>
<p>Let me say this: Dear Bride: You are beginning a family. Please know that if you have children how loving/complicated/and divisive all families can be. Your future husband has a mother that he loves. She wants this dance. Let her have this joy. It is not his family that hurt you. And…for you. Dance with your mother. I think that bride’s mom would be thrilled beyond words for that recognition. </p>
<p>The MOG had said that she had wanted to dance with her son as an equivalent of the father walking the bride down the aisle, but this bride won’t have that. She is walking down alone and the groom is meeting her halfway. I wonder if the bride would consider allowing groom to walk his mother to her seat as a compromise.</p>
<p>I have been to ceremonies with and without the parent/child dances. For a variety of reasons my DIL was reluctant to have the dances at her wedding. She had my son call me and ask if that would be okay with me, and I said they should do whatever worked best for them.</p>
<p>adding: I also wore a dress so not-my-style-and-color that family and friends were rather aghast and still sometimes mention it. </p>
<p>I rather think I may be invited into the delivery room. But I’m not asking outright ;)</p>
<p>Allh, would you have felt the same way if she hadn’t asked you so courteously? Also, did you get pictures with your son and, if so, how or when did you do it?</p>
<p>I honestly don’t know if there is a wedding photo of just my son and me - I would have to look through a box of hundreds. There are shots of son with husband and me, family groups in all configurations, etc. I have some wedding photos on display for my DIL’s sake, because it matters to her, especially a rather large and very beautiful one of just her in her gown. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine any of my sons marrying someone who wasn’t courteous to everyone.</p>
<p>I don’t want to portray this bride as a witch. She isn’t. My D thinks she didnt even expect that she would feel this upset about having a wedding without her father.</p>
<p>On the one hand, I think it’s rather unbecoming of the bride to “forbid” a mother/son dance. On the other hand, it certainly isn’t worth a big argument, so if I were MOG, I’d just drop it.</p>
<p>We didn’t have a father/bride or MOG/son dance at our reception. I guess I’ve seen it done, but not at every wedding.</p>
<p>I think the MOG has no choice but to accept and will do so. She just hopes for some special “thing” with her son. I don’t think that is an outrageous request. The photographer will be at the bride’s house and get pictures of her getting dressed and with her mother. MOG is hoping, but I can’t see her making a fuss, she isn’t that way, and is truly sympathetic to the bride’s hurt.</p>
<p>I’ve said that I would want to plan my daughters’ weddings and not have too many intervention or input from the groom’s side. But for goodness sakes, if MOG wants to have a special dance with her son, then she should be allowed to do that. If they were to say that they have a special tradition in their culture to do X, I would also tell my kids to honor it. The only thing my kids wouldn’t do would be to have a religious ceremony, so if it’s a must have on the groom’s side, I don’t know what they would do.</p>
<p>I think the bride should go see a therapist.</p>
<p>I think this is entirely up to the bride and groom to work out. Its hard when a story is being relayed through several people to know exactly how all parties responded.</p>
<p>The brides’ father will not be at the wedding or reception -just to clarify. Does she have a special uncle or grandfather or brother? May be the MOG could have her dance and the bride could dance with a grandfather or uncle or brother. If this means so much to the MOG I think she should be able to have this dance. Could the groom dance with his mom and the bride dance with the groom’s father. Is this less about a dance and more about the hurt of not having an involved dad… a “if I can not have something you will not have something especially on my day!”…type of thing?</p>
<p>It is all about the absence of the dad. The bride is the first to say that she thought she had dealt with all this years ago, but every time a father comes up in some fashion she gets upset. Everyone is sympathetic to that. I am sure it will work out in some fashion. They really are nice people. I hope they come up with something creative.</p>
What the issue really is: the MOG’s ego and desire for attention. She will get to dance with her son, but - clutch the pearls! - two hundred pairs of eyes will not be watching her do it to their own special song, emphasising her own special specialness! </p>
<p>Oh, the humanity. </p>
<p>General wedding rule: those who pay the piper call the tune. Even more basic wedding rule: if you are not the “bride” or the “groom”, it’s not all about you. </p>
<p>For all the MOG knows, her future daughter-in-law is being pressured into having the father-daughter dance with her mother’s new boyfriend, the creepy uncle she doesn’t like, or her mother’s husband whom she isn’t particularly close to. Ditching the entire concept could be her way of avoiding other conflicts. But the MOG will guilt-trip the future DIL because she wants two hundred pairs of eyes watching her emotional moment with her son.</p>
<p>Did mom remarry? Is there a stepdad? I do also like the idea of the bride dancing with the new FIL as a symbolic establishment of the relationship with the new “dad”. Thats sweet.</p>
When she has children, I want her to bring them. When they are old enough, I want her to allow them to travel with me. That is what matters to me… not wedding photos.</p>