<p>“What the issue really is: the MOG’s ego and desire for attention”</p>
<p>I am not sure that it is about the MOG’s ego and desire for attention. I have one child - a son. I do not like to be the center of attention nor am I much in to dancing but there is something very special and symbolic that touches me about the mother - son dance. I hope I get to do this with my son one day but it has nothing to do with ego and wanting attention.</p>
<p>I was just at a wedding and the mother & son danced to what some thought was an incredibly strange song (She’s a Brick House) but they looked to be having a blast! It made me think - maybe this is some sort of inside thing that they always danced to this song and acted goofy around the house. They enjoyed their dance - had their moment.</p>
<p>OK-- flame away if anyone must-- but there is a whole lotta over-determination of feelings and projection going on here. From what we know third hand, and presenting/rewording here without the descriptors, it seems there was a question asked by a future MIL and her future DIL about a song for the mother-son dance. This is not an unusual question, and mother-son dances are common at weddings. Bride said she was not comfortable with this given her history, and it should be toned down. There is no evidence that any of this is about the moms “need for attention” nor is there evidence that people will be devastated and relationships broken. Lets just look at it objectively. Sounds like the bride has some sensitivities and it will be handled in a way that all can be comfortable with. Sounds like everyone generally gets along and will be able to work it out. </p>
<p>Sportsmom, you nailed it. The MOG wanted to pick a song. That may still happen, but I don’t think she will ask the dj for that without the bride’s permission. My son is 14 and I already know the song I hope to dance with him someday.</p>
<p>The bride has no stepfather and no close male relatives.</p>
<p>Jym, I do know the mom. She is devastated. She raised her kids alone and this was a big thing to her. Not as big as her relationship with her son or DIL, though. She perceives that dance as the symbolic handing off of her son to the woman who will forever be the most important person in his life. I think it also came as a surprise, although maybe it shouldn’t have.</p>
<p>Sounds like MOG was being considerate in asking the bride’s opinion about a song choice, as a mother-son dance is common at weddings, and the MOG was perhaps caught off guard by brides initial response. Perhaps bride was caught off guard by the question and had an emotional response. It sounds like they are all good people and will work it out. Weddings certainly get emotions raised, good and bad. </p>
<p>** Just saw zoos’s response as I typed. If the MIL has strong feelings as a single parent, then perhaps having a symbolic “last dance” (no, not as in Donna Summers Last Dance) as she turns son over to his new bride could be a beautiful moment for everyone. There is still time to work this out. Best of luck to them.</p>
<p>My bet is that the bride (I have known her since she was 8) will eventually come to think it is right for the groom and his mother to do something special. She may need to work through things first. The groom had suggested that he dance with both mothers separately and then dance with his new bride as a giant ta da. Who knows? I think it will work out. I just wondered if the people of cc, who have seen everything twice, had some creative ideas.</p>
<p>zooser - who is “giving away” the bride? Is that someone who she might dance with?</p>
<p>Maybe the bride would consider letting her MIL and son have the first dance (unconventional, I know), and then having MIL step aside and having their first dance. Sort of a twist on being given away by father. </p>
<p>When there has been a marriage and remarriage, there are often hurt feelings, even in the best of situations. I know I was deeply hurt by my step-daughter with whom I have a great relationship. I will never know if in her own way she was making sure her mom had the spotlight - but I just had to keep my feelings to myself and know that it was just one day and not do anything to spoil what we had between us. It really took awhile to put the hurt aside, but by just letting my SD have her day, we were able to get back to our usual lighthearted & very close relationship. Recently, a house went on the market on the same street where she lives in our city and she said she would love if her dad and I bought it. You can’t ask for more than that. </p>
<p>If the MOG were my friend, I would recommend that the most important thing is to look past the day and see the bigger picture.</p>
<p>I agree with bevhills and oldfort. She should not deny the groom’s mother dancing with her son on his big day. She has issues with dads, she should seek professional help.</p>
<p>Zoos, you and I share a common special relationship with our sons and we know there’s no way that a mother-son dance would not happen on his wedding day.</p>
<p>My first thought was, sheesh, let her have her dance. But then thinking further, I feel differently. The MS dance is a made-up ritual; lots of weddings don’t have any of these. The woman’s son could have married a woman who decided on a morning reception/brunch, or an elopement, or a million other wedding styles which did not include these ritual dances. She hurts herself by thinking it was something she HAD to have.</p>
<p>I had a small wedding in my mom’s living room. We had mad dancing, but no formal “dances.” I’m glad my MIL did not expect a formal dance with her S. It would have been sad for me, since my father had died years before, to have a formal reminder like that. But we didn’t have that kind of wedding, and my MIL, a single mom, wouldn’t have dreamed of imposing an obligation like that. Her other S also had a non-“traditional” wedding. So she didn’t have a MS dance with either one. What she did have was two DIL’s who loved her. Good trade off.</p>
<p>Personally, as the mother of daughters, I would be annoyed with my own daughter if she didn’t want her future MIL to have a dance with her son. But, my daughters would “know” this and wouldn’t do this.</p>
<p>It’s unfortunate that the bride is still so hurt by her absent father. Parents can do such damage to their kids. Very sad.</p>
<p>We have a son. Although it will be years away before we may face this issue, both the son and the mother do not know how to dance. So there is definitely no such a request when the time comes. </p>
<p>We know a couple whose D was married in NYC right after their D had been graduated from the Columbia law school in NYC. All the wedding arrangement was done by the bride and the groom themselves in NY (and maybe with some help from groom’s family.) D’s parents only wrote a $50k check to the D. Besides the distance issue (thousand miles away), D’s family really did not know much about how to help their D with this. But they love their D. They paid for their D’s college education at Stanford, and likely a part of her law school, even though D’s family is not very wealthy as D’s parent was kind of forced to retire from a large company when he was only 56 years old.</p>
<p>This may be an extreme case.</p>
<p>I also know a couple whose S was married. It is also the case that the groom and the bride themselves arranged everything at the city where both the groom and the bride were working, and the parents just drove across several states ro attend the wedding ceremony. But their S had been working for more than 6 or 7 years before the marriage.</p>
<p>“zooser - who is “giving away” the bride? Is that someone who she might dance with?”
Nobody. She is walking down alone but the groom is meeting her halfway. That’s why I thought the groom could walk his mother down, continue to the altar and stand there while the bridal party processes and then meet his bride to escort her.</p>
<p>“Zoos, you and I share a common special relationship with our sons and we know there’s no way that a mother-son dance would not happen on his wedding day.”</p>
<p>If you could see me now, you would witness me screaming “nooooooo wedding for my baby!!!”</p>
<p>zoosermom, you may surprise yourself. Some friends have had a very difficult time letting go of their sons when they married and since my boys are all extremely close to me and have always needed a LOT of my attention and emotional support, I assumed this would be a problem for me as well. Big Surprise! When son told me about “the one” I was absolutely euphoric. It was a huge relief to know someone else was there for him and help share all that emotional connection. I am not going to be around forever to serve that role. I was delighted for the DIL to take over as most important woman in son’s life.</p>
</p>