<p>I attended a wedding many years ago of a bride and groom who were raised by single mothers with little or no support from the fathers. The couple had their first dance and then walked over to their own mothers and shared a dance (just the four of them, coupled with their respective mothers) to Celine Dion’s “Because you loved me” For me it was one of the most moving moments of any wedding I have ever been too. Sometimes you have to think outside the box and not pigeon hole a dance into being between a man and a women.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping - that is a very nice post! What a lovely and respectful idea!</p>
<p>I’m about to make myself a target, and I should know better, but here goes…</p>
<p>We were married in 1990. The custom was to have dancing and the handing off of various couples dancing…grooms parents, brides parents, mother son, father daughter, bride groom, and switcheroo between the parents of bride and groom. My parents were divorced several years earlier (I am NOT from a broken home, please it makes one sound like damaged goods. I love you zoos you know I do but that just doesn’t jive with me). It was a very ugly divorce, they barely spoke, my brother and Dad did not, and I had a newly forged relationship with my Dad after several years of no contact. There were many years I thought I’d have no one to walk me down the aisle. </p>
<p>Each parent gave me a contribution towards the wedding, for which I was grateful. All else was on DH and I. We wanted something small, low key, maybe at a winery. Then came MILs list of guests. We ended up with 125 guests at the officers club at the base DH grew up. The wedding MIL wanted. It was way more then we could afford (no additional help, we went to savings). What we certainly couldn’t afford was music, not there, with that many people. We bought many instrumental CDs for background music but the groomsmen couldn’t get something working. I had enough to worry about. Dancing was never intended. </p>
<p>TBH, I was relieved not to have the white hot spotlight of these dances. With tenuous relationships between my parents and my in-laws, certainly MY parents weren’t going to dance together, not to mention DH hates to be the center of attention so he was just as happy to nix this. It was just too much to navigate. It never even came up with my MIL, and she ran the show planning our wedding, so if it had been as issue I would have known. </p>
<p>What would have crushed me, totally broken my heart, is if one of my bridesmaids mothers had gone to others to discuss this. Weddings are complicated with lots of compromise that often only principle members are aware of. Outside guessing, discussing, and judgement about motives, who needs to back down, etc., is frankly no one else’s business. It’s hurtful and unproductive IMHO.</p>
<p>I’ve never been to a dance where either B/G danced with a parent. Not that many had dancing anyway. It’s just not a big thing around here. However, I had a friend who was raised by a single mom, no father ever mentioned, so I don’t know the story. The groom’s mom had died before the wedding. B and M had been estranged for quite a while (for religious reasons) before the wedding. They reconciled for her to attend the wedding of her only child. B had no one to give her away. They came up with the creative solution of the B’s Mom walking the G down the aisle and the G’s Dad walking the B down the aisle. No one “gave” anyone away. I thought it was a creative way to involve both parents in a special way.</p>
<p>I might add that the G’s family was all boys so the dad would never had had the change to walk a daughter down the aisle.</p>
<p>“ier (I am NOT from a broken home, please it makes one sound like damaged goods. I love you zoos you know”</p>
<p>I know you do and as my parents were not divorced, it is your opinion that carries more weight.</p>
<p>“Outside guessing, discussing, and judgement about motives, who needs to back down, etc., is frankly no one else’s business. It’s hurtful and unproductive IMHO.”</p>
<p>You are completely within your rights to hold that opinion and I respect it with deep affection, but the fact is that I have gotten a couple of good suggestions that might be of interest to the bride. I think she will appreciate hearing how other families handle similar situations.</p>
<p>To change the subject somewhat, to the 'giving" away. this is how my D and her groom arranged it: groom’s parents walked down together. Bride’s parents walked down together. B and G walked down together–holding hands with huge smiles. I really loved that. They brought themselves to their wedding.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do this to my future DIL, if she requested it. It really would be quite awkward, IMO.</p>
<p>Its so hard when we want to be helpful while at the same time don’t want to be the purveyors of unsolicited advice.</p>
<p>At the very least I will have more awareness of different customs if my precious lamb ever decides to marry THAT WOMAN.</p>
<p>I am sorry if this thread offends anyone. That was certainly not my intent.</p>
<p>I am a mom of only son’s and still my empathy goes to the young lady who has an empty place in her life where there should have been a loving dad. : (</p>
<p>When it comes to that time, zoos, you will hopefully love the woman that loves your son almost as much as you do. To me, the worst thing that could happen would be to become THAT MOTHER IN LAW, and run the risk of either having a son feel pulled like a wishbone in 2 directions, or worse yet, pull away. That would break my heart.</p>
<p>Just my two cents, as the child of divorced parents: the bride-to-be may have gone to dozens of her friends’ weddings, and during every single father-daughter dance, thought “I will never have one of those, because my dad voluntarily chooses to not be a part of my life.” She might have spent her adult life watching fathers walk their daughters down the aisle and know that when it was her turn, her dad would not want to do that. </p>
<p>You don’t need to make her feel that way at her own wedding. I’m with garland: the mother-son dance is a made-up ritual. I’ve been to weddings without parent-child dances, or with father-daughter and no mother-son; the only thing that would make conspicuous the absence of a father-daughter dance would be the inclusion of a mother-son dance. </p>
<p>Let MOG dance with her son sometime during the wedding, just not when the bride has no choice but to sit in her chair with a fake smile plastered on her face, knowing that she’s never going to dance with her own daddy.</p>
<p>As I said, I’m the child of divorced parents, not the mother of a son, but I would hope that I would love my son enough to not (metaphorically) drive a knife through her heart… on her own wedding day.</p>
<p>Jym, you are absolutely right. I pray that I will have that wisdom when the time comes.</p>
<p>Ariesathena, thank you for really clarifying the bride’s probable feelings. The friend group is getting married, along with siblings and cousins, so you likely hit the nail on the head. I am going to point that out to my D. I just want to make clear that the MOG was always going to abide by the bride’s wishes. There was never any question of that. She had just never thought it was a question because both families art part of the same ethnic group where this is the usual practice.</p>
<p>I also think Ariesathena has it right. S’s fiance has the very same type of issues with her mother, who has never been there for her emotionally or physically. I think she deals with it very well, but certain things trigger a deep sadness.</p>
<p>I know there is usually a father/bride dance, but I didn’t know about the son/mother dance. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention. I can see how this would be very important to some mothers, and I respect that. I can’t stand being the center of attention, S isn’t too fond of it either, and we would have the grace of tin men out there. Hopefully they don’t want this part. If she does, I hope I can suggest a really short song :)</p>
<p>Me------------->I am a mom of only son’s</p>
<p>I DO know better. LOL. Sons.</p>
<p>Zoos - Point well taken. I so appreciate our mutual respect that allows us room to have differing opinions at times but always know there’s a respect and affection for each other. I’m glad you’ve gotten responses that have been helpful. In retrospect my words were harsher then I intended and I apologize. When one identifies personally feeling can run deep. I didn’t feel I was responding in haste, but I should have let my words sit for a 15min breather and reread. I believe I would have found a better way to express myself without being judgmental myself. </p>
<p>I asked DH how we might have handled this if it had been important to his mom. We thought it would have been incorporated into the rehearsal dinner, which was hosted by his parents and had casual dancing. A special song could have been chosen with a mention to all that it was dedicated to his mom, and they could dance along with everyone else. So a dedication, but nothing that looked lost without a father daughter dance. </p>
<p>I have three boys so I have had a lot of time to think of what I don’t want to do as a MIL. Many times I’ve turned to DH and said “don’t ever let me do this, remind me!”. If my boys chose to marry and don’t have a mother son dance we can just as easily have our own right here in the family room. No audience needed. I want them to do what is going to mutually make them and their partner happy.</p>
<p>We didn’t have any of that MCed stuff at our wedding, and there wasn’t any of it at any of my nieces weddings. I don’t recall it at my friends’ wedding, although looking back there was at least one–a huge Jewish wedding on Long Island–that probably did have that stuff.</p>
<p>So I certainly don’t think of it as necessary or normal or even, frankly, desirable. But to each his own, of course.</p>
<p>My DIL’s parents are both deceased and when she and my S married, she asked if it would be ok if we skipped the formal parent /child dance tradition. I told her that was perfectly okay but I hoped S would dance with me at some point during the evening. No spotlight, no attention necessary. She wholeheartedly agreed. Later in the evening, S and I danced together and at some point, H asked DIL to dance-she was thrilled. We privately had our special moments. Unprompted, the photographers snapped pictures of each couple, along with those of other guests on the dance floor as they had been doing all night. It was all very natural and there was never any attention drawn.</p>
<p>I hope the bride comes to see that just because she doesn’t have a relationship with her parent, it doesn’t mean her groom shouldn’t enjoy and nurture the one he (and now she) has with his. There certainly needn’t be a big public show that she will find painful, but denying her groom a private dance with his mom on the day of his wedding is extreme and just a wee bit selfish. This calls for compromise and successful marriages all include compromises. One day this bride may be a mother and I’m sure she will treasure any special times she can have with her child, maybe even sharing a dance at his/her wedding. I hope they can find a mutually agreeable solution.</p>
<p>my-3-sons, great post.</p>
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<p>I was going to suggest something similar. The bride and groom were both raised by their mothers, and it might be nice to turn this into a way to honor the women that raised them. A lot of wedding traditions are about fathers and daughters, but might be nice to work a mother who did everything as a single parent into some of those and give her some special moments with her daughter.</p>