<p>I am the mother of sons and I totally agree with Ariesathena: I would never do anything to make that day even a little worse for my new DIL. My niece did not have a bride-father dance at her wedding because her groom did not have a mother. I thought that showed true love. It would have hurt him too much since his mother had died just a few months prior.</p>
<p>I can see where the MOG is coming from, but in this case, I believe the bride’s feelings trump her dancing with her son which she is still free to do just not glaringly pointing out to the entire audience that the bride’s father chooses not to be a part of his daughter’s life.</p>
<p>Well put, 3bm103. I’m not a fan of traditions that shoehorn people’s lives into shapes they don’t really fit. I’m also not a fan of “this has to be like this because I’ve always dreamed of it being like this” on anyone’s part, whether bride, MOG, MOB, or anyone else.</p>
One of the things I most enjoy about this forum is having friends like you who will speak truth to my lunacy! In real life that would be a little harder!</p>
<p>I think a small part of the issue is that the MOG really does want some sort of professional photograph of just her and her son. The photographer and videographer are going to the bride’s home before the wedding (my daughter has already received her instructions for what time to arrive for the preparatory pictures of the bride, party and family) and then at the wedding and ceremony, so there won’t be a comparable set of pictures of the groom and family getting ready. (Am I making any sense at all?) So the MOG had thought that the dance would be a perfect time to have some pictures of the two of them to complete the lifetime of pictures of them together, First Communion, Confirmation, graduations, etc. I think this is totally doable, but someone needs to be sensitive enough to make sure it happens. I think it should.</p>
<p>The professional photographer at my d’s wedding spent almost as much time at the venue before the ceremony photographing the groom, groomsmen, and groom’s mother/grandparents as she did the bride and her entourage. She just built the time into the schedule, because it was part of her standard service. Perhaps this photographer can do the same thing - arrive at the church earlier than is now planned to get some groom photos? In my d’s area, this is considered the standard - the getting ready photos aren’t just about the bride unless the couple prefers it that way.</p>
<p>Similarly, after the ceremony she had a well-defined list of photos she took - bride with parents, bride with mom, with dad, with sisters, with grandparents, etc., and then took the exact same photos with the groom and his family. A professional wedding photographer can do this very quickly. He/she can get a great posed picture and won’t necessarily have the same luck with a candid photo.</p>
<p>I’m glad I don’t have this dilemma because I have a hard time with wedding drama/conflicts and would do just about anything to avoid them. If the MOG wants a great special photo with her son, the photographer can certainly make that happen.</p>
I don’t think it’s preferred that way. The bride is a planner to the nth degree, we all make fun of her about it. When the girls vacation together, she plans in “relaxation time” for specific periods. But somehow it seems that everyone has so focused on her, the showers, the bachelorette party, the bridesmaids’ brunch and so forth that the fact that the groom has a family has been a little lost in the shuffle. I think her mother has started to become aware of this and may try to make some arrangements. It’s not ill will at all, just a sort of cultural bias to this being the bride’s day and a groom’s family that is a little bit passive.</p>
<p>Zoos, first of all, I commend you for seeing both sides and looking for a compromise.
Here’s my personal reaction:
“Mother was shocked and devastatated because this is her only son.” IMO Mom can be disappointed, but shock and devastation is an overreaction. This is not a tragedy, just a letdown. She needs to try to focus on where the bride is coming from to appreciate her perspective.
“she can dance with her son but no special song, no cleared dancefloor, no photographer pictures and no attention can be called to it.”
I expect/hope it was difficult for this to be communicated to the groom’s mother, and that it was done gently. I am OK with the restrictions with the exception of “no photographer pictures.” The photographer will presumably be shooting during the entire reception and can easily and without drawing special attention get a nice shot of groom dancing with his mom. It would be good to alert the photographer to prioritize getting such a shot when it happens. Guests also may take pictures. (I was at my college roommate’s son’s wedding last summer and took a picture of the groom dancing with his mom as I knew my friend would appreciate it.)</p>
<p>IMO going with the restrictions except for requesting a discretely taken photo of the special moment when the groom does dance with his mother would be an appropriate compromise.</p>
<p>I am the mother of a young man who is now in the seventh year of a relationship (high school sweethearts) with the young woman he is probably going to marry once she is out of professional school. My mantra is “first, do no harm” to the relationship I have with my son by being anything less than supportive of his relationship with his girlfriend. I am sure that will mean sometimes going along with things she wants that would not be my choice. </p>
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<p>^^^ Oh and Garland, I love how your D handled the wedding ceremony entrances, and many other aspects of your D’s wedding – thoughtful, understated, gracious and in tune with the people involved. People should feel free to “pick and choose/create” traditions or rituals that sync with them.</p>
<p>My D is having the first non-church marriage ceremony in our Irish Catholic family, but the real scandal is that there will be NO WEDDING CAKE! (They are having a different dessert that has sentimental meaning to them.) We will survive this LOL!</p>
<p>^ Also no veil (she considers it repressive), no throwing of bouquet or garter, etc., etc. No tuxes – groom and groomsmen will wear blazers and khakis. Bridesmaids will wear dresses of their choice in a color chosen by bride and groom, and groomsmen will wear ties of that color. (It is the color of the dress my D wore on their first date, and it happens she wore the same dress the night her fiance proposed. The color is used as a theme throughout the wedding.)<br>
No gifts either (charitable donations suggested instead).</p>
<p>The cake, though, is the major disappointment for me. ;)</p>
<p>I enjoy this thread. I feel I am getting prepared to not be shocked by anything. As a single mom to one son, I expect to walk him down the aisle. Now, if he and future bride decide to walk aisle together, I will simply say “great”. I never contemplated the Mo/son dance. I suspect neither of us likes the spotlight. I would be hurt if there were not pictures of my small family present (given wedding will be far away from my family). I know I will have a hard time not being in control. I so enjoyed planning his Bar Mitzvah. My mom went with me to choose flowers, menu, favors, etc. </p>
<p>I do not mean to digress, but I feel sad that neither of my parents were alive for any of the young adult landmarks for the worm. Reading about the groom who lost his mother a few months prior to his wedding, made me nostalgic</p>
She absolutely does. And there is no question but that the bride’s wishes will be respected. However, this is a very Italian American wedding in this specific area and everyone does everything exactly the same and it never crossed the groom’s mother’s mind that this wouldn’t happen. There really aren’t any hard feelings and the MOB does get that the MOG matters, too, so I think it will work out. It’s just a matter of different expectations, you know? ANd I also think it’s really hitting the MOG that she is letting go of her son. Some people take a little longer to get with the program.</p>
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I think that is the one compromise the bride won’t make. She is pretty clear that there can’t be any pictures of the groom dancing with is mother. I’m sure there would be candids, but I think the MOG really does want a professional shot.</p>
<p>DIL wants a veil (but not covering her face) and I am making it. No garter, no bouquet toss. Groom and attendants are wearing kilts. No registry; they suggested some charitable groups or finding a favorite book at a used book store. Secular ceremony (sigh). They have decided to have a first dance, but I suspect there will not be a B/G with parent dance unless it’s a spontaneous thing in the course of the evening. There are two bridesmaids – wearing the same color (Tardis blue for you Doctor Who fans), not sure if the dresses are the same, though. </p>
<p>S & DIL have downloaded most of the responsibility for this event on me (imagine a MOG who gets creative input!), so if they actually have a preference for something, they are getting it, pretty much no questions asked. They have their heads screwed pretty straight about how to treat people and share a disdain for the bridal industrial complex, so there has been little drama or conflict.</p>
<p>Ask me how that’s going four weeks from now!</p>
If she wants it that badly, perhaps on the day before the wedding (before the rehearsal dinner?) she should book some time with a professional photographer, get in her gown & have her son in his tux, and take some formal pictures (at her own cost, of course). Then she can have as many as she likes for her own albums and for her own family. Just make sure that she doesn’t display them prominently in her home, or her DIL may never show up there again!</p>
<p>It seems like MOG really wants a special photo of this special day. Completely reasonable. Mother/Son dance when it would obviously upset the bride would be unkind. Actually, I am a little surprised she MOG did not realize this would be a sore spot. Now she knows and can find another way to share a special moment with her son that day. </p>
<p>The thing is there will be some very real (rather than manufactured) wonderful moments. I am sure MOG is a wonderful person but this is going just a little too far.</p>
I don’t think the bride even knew. It wasn’t until she actually started doing wedding things that it even came up. She has a good life and is a wonderful person. Her Dad has been gone most of her life and it wasn’t a daily problem, so she didn’t even realize how much it would bother her until she started deciding how to walk down the aisle and making the other decisions. They did decide on a boutonneire for the FOG because, while divorced, he has always been involved. I am sure there will be plenty of wonderful moments, but I don’t think it’s so unusual that there would be some surprises along the way, as well.
I like the idea of the MOG getting a photographer to take some shots of that family, as well, but I am pretty sure that would be seen as going behind the back of the bride and her family. I kind of think the best thing would be for the MOG to ask the MOB what she thinks would be the best way to get some pictures of her family members. They get along very, very well so I’m sure with the MOB’s help something will be worked out. That way it could never be seen as adversarial. The men are getting ready at the church, so moving up the bride’s pictures a half hour could let the photographer get to the church in time to take a few pictures of the men and then still get outside to mark the bride’s arrival.</p>
<p>We all know that parenting involves an ever changing vision of how things ‘must be’. The I will never use formula or disposable diapers can change to ‘it’s not going to kill the kid once in a while’. The early thoughts of parenting absolutes often soften when we are faced with our own tiny humans with distinct personalities and needs to contend with. Through the years we reconcile that Susie is honestly a B/C+ student (and completely happy with that) and her real passion (and talents) is in culinary arts. We navigate that Johhnie isn’t going to attend our alma matter as we’d always dreamed. We adjust, putting on a tshirt for big state u and cheer loudly at games. When your exceptionally bright child decides that ‘college just isn’t their thing’ you take a deep breath ask what their plan is, and adjust your vision of that child graduating from college…at least for a while. When your adult child has been married for 5-6 years and your hints about a grandchild have been evaded, then you are gently told they have decided not to have children you take a deep breath because it’s their decision. Years of seeing yourself as a grandmother now rest on another sibling, or if this is your only child you’ve got a big adjustment of how you saw your future family. Being a parent is a never ending adjustment of what you thought it was going to be/look like.</p>
<p>Lots of moms see the mother son dance at their sons weddings as very symbolic and think about it years beforehand. It can often overshadow what is really important to them, which is the relationship with their son. Becoming so ridged about any one thing is focusing on a tradition, not the relationship. Just like we’ve done so often before the vision may have to alter from what we thought it was going to be, and just like before the way we handle ourselves, the love and acceptance, the importance placed on the relationship, not our personal vision, is what will go forward.</p>
<p>zoos - I have a devil of a time quoting from my iPhone. Thank you for your gracious words in post #63. I feel the same way…but then you knew that. Okay, enough of the zoos-iguana lovefest. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. :)</p>
I think this is an extreme reaction, and the bride should try to bring herself down from this position. What I was going to suggest is that the MOG and G have their special dance, but perhaps after a lot of other dances–and maybe, some drinking–has already happened. After the first dance of B and G. After toasts. Etc. Perhaps the bride would realize that she might not care as much at that stage of the event.</p>
<p>By the way, I don’t think I could give away my daughter. I might sell her, though.</p>