<p>I don’t think I fully appreciated my mom until I had children of my own. Now, I’m in awe of all she accomplished and did for us. So while your d’s comments are hurtful now, she’ll change her tune someday!</p>
<p>And you’ll be laughinggggg!</p>
<p>I think it would be helpful if dad steps in and talk to d firmly about how the family benefited with mom making the sacrifice to stay home. </p>
<p>One of our friend’s son said something disrespectful to mom - mom didn’t go to college and kid was going to Imperial and now Oxford. Dad stepped in and nipped the disrespect in the bud. I think it’s more effective than if mom did it for herself.</p>
<p>My D1, 18, is working for her dad this summer. I mainly “stay home”. We have younger children, some of whom don’t drive, so I’m busy. </p>
<p>Yesterday, D1 came home and asked what I had done all day. I listed, in detail, my activities, including running the dogs, part-time hours at work, multiple trips to bank, shoring up financial plan in case of failure :), shopping for and preparing dinner for our night at the outdoor theater, and so on. </p>
<p>I think she is trying to make sense out of full-time work my husband does (and that I did for years, before she was born), and the job I do now which is a mosaic of laundry, volunteering, a little professional stuff, and generally making our household run smoothly.</p>
<p>Her mental wheels are turning, and it will be interesting to see how she evaluates her choices over the next 20 years. I’m living my ideal: a series of roles from full-time professional, to full-time mom, to my current transition back into the working world, as my youngest starts flapping his wings.</p>
<p>I think girls between 17-25ish really scrutinize their mothers’ career and life choices/circumstances (I know I did). They use us as measuring sticks and mirrors to figure out their own lives. The “black and white” thinkers may find it easiest to dismiss their mothers, rather than understand their professional work/“at home” lives/shared responsibilities. It’s complicated and personal, and there is no one “right” way to do this.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your insightful comments. So much wisdom on this board!</p>
<p>I was very hurt by her comments, I will admit, as we’ve been very close through the years. Some of your posts have really helped me understand what she may be going though at this time, which is one huge transition both personally and professionally. She’s also "in love’ for the first time, and probably thinking about her future in new ways. Remembering that she still has much to learn and that her comments reflect more about her own insecurities and fears for her own future than they do about me and my life helps, but it’s still stings. Thank you all, again. I do plan to talk to her some more about it, but the time isn’t right.</p>
<p>My husband and I got married right out of school. We both had very intense jobs in the beginning, but soon we realized my earning potential was a lot higher than his. We wanted to have someone always be accessible to our kids, so he decided to work out of home, and I am the one on the endless treadmill. Our daughters do not think it’s strange their dad is home more than I am. They appreciate having a parent at home for them at all time. When my husband needs to be out of town sometimes they get very upset about not having home cooked meals.</p>
<p>I’m thinking back to my mom and wonder whether I ever said anything like this to her inadvertently. My mom never worked for pay outside of the home, but she was a marvel–a master gardener and docent, a volunteer at the hospital (who won a Volunteer of the Year award), a fabulous cook, PTA president, Friends of the Symphony president (obviously not all of these at the same time), plus just a charming, elegant, happy person. (You may be able to tell how much I miss her as I am writing this)</p>
<p>I could see, however, during those 20-something years when we think we know so much, that in fact I could have said something to her along these lines and never realized how it sounded, never meant it to be hurtful (it could also be that I never said anything–just don’t remember)</p>
<p>I have two daughters. One of them always talks about how amazing I am doing all that I do, how cool I am, etc. The other criticizes me constantly. If I had stayed home, she probably would have disdained me; as it is, she probably thinks I neglected her because I worked (although pretty much exclusively during school hours). So it may be her personality, or just a predilection for “thinking out loud” as she forms her own attitude toward work, parenting, etc. </p>
<p>What counts is how YOU feel. It sounds like you and your husband feel that you made good and loving choices for your family and that is what counts.</p>
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<p>WashDad pretty much nailed it, as far as I am concerned. And his posted started with the suggestion of laughing. That’s what you need to do, IMO.</p>
<p>I stayed home from the birth of my oldest until the youngest was in full-day kindergarten, I have worked part-time ever since (except for one year between jobs). Cronie, I also noticed something you pointed out: my husband’s career has been enhanced because he never had to leave work at a certain time to pick up the kids from day care, never had to stay home with a sick kid, travelled wherever he needed to on short notice, etc - things he could not have done if we were a dual-career couple. And he knows and appreciates it.</p>
<p>My first response to your D’s declaration was to laugh. Perhaps, for one week, she should take over for you - or better yet for a mom with young kids and a variety of volunteer commitments. She’d find out what WORK is! Or maybe you should stop doing some of the things you do for her, and when she notices, remind her that you get to do “whatever you want to” and you’ve decided you don’t want to do X for her any more. </p>
<p>I really believe that volunteers are the backbone of so much of what happens in our communities. I know our elementary schools would be much poorer places if not for the countless hours of stay-at-home moms and dads. My husband used to say, “Why do they call you a stay-home mom? You’re never home!”</p>
<p>Two years when I was working 20 hours/week during the summer, I sent my kids to 2 or 3 weeks of summer day camp at a local health club. It had a great reputation, and many D’s friends had gone there and loved it. Well, my D was about 6 or 7 and she HATED it. She cried every day. And I think it made a big impression on her, and she sees it as a big disadvantage to being a working mom. </p>
<p>Sometimes I do worry that I may have set a poor example for my D. She’s 16, and recently has begun joking that her career goal is to “marry rich.” At least I hope she’s joking, she also says she wants to go to a selective private school so she can meet a rich guy. (DH and I met at college, but neither of us was rich!). Also, I can’t help but wonder what kind of material things we could have and how secure our finances would be if had had kept my career. Also, my current job is far from my dream job, and it feels a little underachieving to be 45 years old and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! So sometimes I do second-guess my choices. But if I had a career, I think I might have second-guessed that as well, especially when S left for college and it hit me how fast those 18 years went by. I probably would have felt like I missed something.</p>
<p>I think the key with your D is that she needs to understand that this was a mutual decision between you and your H, and that this partnership - and it IS a partnership - works well for your family. She needs to respect that, but it may take years and a family of her own before she comes to see it.</p>
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<p>What a shame that in our society, “work” so often requires some sort of monetary value assigned to it in order to truly be appreciated - and the higher the pay the greater its value (but just imagine the boost to household incomes if moms were paid for the work they do!) </p>
<p>Just for the heck of it, perhaps D could make a list of all of mom’s tasks during the day and assign the monetary value for that same task if you were to pay someone else to do it:</p>
<p><em>__hrs cooking x $</em><em>/hr (going rate for cooks?)
_</em><em>hrs driving kids to dr, swimming lessons, soccer practice x $</em><em>/hr (going rate for chauffeurs)
_</em><em>hrs volunteer work at library x $</em><em>/hr (going rate for library aid)
_</em><em>hrs nursing sick child x $</em><em>/hr (going rate for nurses)
_</em><em>hrs paying bills x $</em><em>/hr (going rate for bookkeepers)
_</em><em>hrs shopping x $</em><em>/hr (rate for professional shoppers)
</em><em>hrs helping kids with homework/school projects x $</em>/hr (going rate for tutoring)</p>
<p>you get the idea… I wonder if moms get paid overtime? ;)</p>
<p>My daughter seemes to think it was “understandable” to stay home when she and her brother were little, but not now that I’m an empty nester.</p>
<p>I’m 57 years old and in a long and happy marriage with a husband who has provided a comfortable living and put two kids through college as well as a lot of extras that we’re lucky to be able to afford, yet I still “should get a job” just because we have no kids at home? Last year I acted as independent contractor during our two bathroom remodels. We also took a trip to Italy (H and I), for our anniversary which I planned and coordinated. We’ve made other home improvements as well, but none that she has witnessed because she’s been away at college for the last five years! </p>
<p>Did I mention that I had breast cancer surgery 6 months ago? Oh, yes. A mastectomy. But my 23 year old thinks I need to get a job. She’s been working full-time for a WHOLE TWO MONTHS now, but her 57 year old mom who has spent over 10 years in the workforce and 20 years working at home and recently recovered from major surgery needs to get a job.<br>
Now I’m sounding bitter, but the more I think about it, the more laughable it seems. Except that I can’t laugh because it hurts.</p>
<p>You know what they say; Wait until your a grandmother…then it’s PAYBACK TIME!</p>
<p>I’m sorry you had to go through that & hear that, cronie. So true—kids are clueless (I was) until they become parents themselves. </p>
<p>Occasionally, if my kids give me a hard time, I do straighten them out (“This is what I do…if I worked full-time, this is what YOU’D be doing…”). Sometimes standing up for yourself and explaining your contributions can be good for all concerned. 
Could be that your daughter is feeling a little stressed w/her new work & jealous/taking it out on you (not an unknown scenario re: mothers/daughters! I did when I was young…).</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Today’s young adults are often so career-focused that they define “adulthood” as “being employed.” I think they can’t see that there may be other things that a person could be doing that could be useful and meaningful. </p>
<p>It’s one thing if an empty nester is not working and 1) the family could benefit from the money she could earn by taking a job, and 2) she finds life to be empty and meaningless (as one poster said her mother did). But the situation is entirely different if 1) the family’s financial situation makes employment optional, and 2) she has things to do that are meaningful to herself or others. </p>
<p>One of my concerns about young people who feel that they are not full-fledged adults unless they have full-time jobs is that they may run into difficulties if their lives ever turn in a direction that makes full-time work impractical. </p>
<p>I’m thinking here of a woman I knew years ago who had a disabled child (along with two other children) and found that she couldn’t hold down a full-time job because of the heavy time commitment involved in meeting the needs of the child with the disability. Fortunately, her husband was able to earn enough to support the family, but she felt that she was not making a meaningful contribution. She could not seem to understand that she was.</p>
<p>Ahhh, to be 23 years old and know EVERYTHING again…</p>
<p>Just had a thought… perhaps your D felt you were feeling depressed or isolated while recovering from your surgery and maybe she thought that if you got out into the world via having a job (now that you’ve recovered, I assume) it would help you feel better? Or am I giving her too much credit?</p>
<p>Cronie, I don’t think that you need to justify how you spend your waking hours. I don’t think that you should be pushed into a job because your daughter decided how you should live your life. If your children are finished with college, and you have a better than middle class lifestyle, what is her concern exactly? Is she worried that you will not have money for your retirement? Does she think that if you brought home a paycheck her father would work less? Is she wondering how she will be able juggle job and family herself, and wants to watch you work your way through it? Is she concerned that if she does not work once she has a child, that her career possibilities are over, and she wants to see if you can get yourself back into a career for that reason? Somehow, I think that her comments might be more about her than about you.</p>
<p>I stopped working 6 weeks prior to S1’s birth. S2 was born less than 3 years later. H and I decided that the money I would earn by going back to work was not worth the headaches. He had (and still does have) a demanding job with long hours. If I had been working, my boys would not have been able to do most of the activities they did when they were young (Cub Scouts, Church activities, Orthodontia appts, all those sports teams, etc) because H could never have taken them. He didn’t know their teacher’s names or where the Pediatrician’s office was or what time/days they had baseball prac. I was in charge of all that. H did always show up for the games/sch. performances, etc. just was not involved in the everyday minutia of it.</p>
<p>My kids have never questioned my staying at home.<br>
I don’t think boys question things quite as much as girls do in that regard. I can remember long ago S1 ( when he was about 10) telling me he was glad I didn’t work because he wouldn’t like to spend his summer vacations in daycare like some of his friends.</p>
<p>I started working part-time (ironically in a daycare center/half day preschool) when kids were 12 and 15 only because the job was half days and ran on the same schedule as our public sch. system. It has worked out well.
S2 just graduated from h.s last month and leaves for college in 4 weeks. My life may change course again, who knows?</p>
<p>My own Mom went back to work when I started grade sch. There was always a babysitter there when I got home until I got to 6th gr. My Father passed away when I was 11. Mom worked more and I was on my own after sch. I don’t remember feeling resentful. I knew it was out of neccesity.<br>
When I look back on it now, I realize how hard it was for her. I don’t ever remember her just having fun or relaxing and us doing things
together. Every night after dinner, she was busy keeping the house together,paying bills, washing clothes, sewing for extra income etc. I helped as I got older but she still seemed to be constantly busy. She is gone now and I look back and wish we had more time together when I was a growing up.</p>
<p>Cronie:</p>
<p>Given your good relationship with your D so far and comments made by some posters, I wonder about the tone of voice your D used and the concerns behind her comment. Was the tone truly disrespectful? Or was she making a suggestion that you could consider? Is she concerned that, should something happen to her dad, you would be left without financial support? Does she think that getting a job might take your mind off your health concerns? In other words, did she mean well, even if it did not come across that way?<br>
She has been only a couple of months in her very first job; the bloom is not off this particular rose yet. Having landed a job, she finds it hard to imagine that someone else could not (not taking into account issues of age, skills set) or retain it (not yet bored with hers, no health problems on her part). All this could be the result of lack of experience and thoughtlessness rather than disrespect.
It would be great if you could sit down with her and talk things over. It will clear the air between you and open her eyes to some realities. But above all, you need not apologize for the choices that you (and hour H) made.</p>
<p>What is hurtful here is that Cronie has had a very close loving relationship with her D and apparently, out of nowhere, the admiration, love and respect she thought her D felt for her seems instead to be a form of contempt. Devastating at any time but having had cancer and a mastectomy your emotions are fragile and your D is exceptionally unthinking. It could also be the fallout from your cancer…fear about the possibility of losing you could manifest itself in anger towards you…</p>
<p>I’m sure this has been said already, but:
Nobody but a mother has the vaguest clue how much work motherhood is.</p>