<p>My situation is similar to many others here–DH makes the money, works long hours, and I’ve been able to be a part-time musician, full-time mommy, and keeper of the fort during his travels. So glad it worked well for us, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, seeing how well our kids turned out!</p>
<p>Every family has to do what works for them. </p>
<p>My H appreciates what I do, and that I’m tighter with a dollar than he is. :)</p>
<p>What a great thread! In his freshman year in college, S said to me that he appreciated that I was home and knew that he never would have worked as hard as he did or done so well if I hadn’t been. Believe me, I have clung to that comment quite a bit recently when dealing with D, who seems not to appreciate me or the value of what I do.</p>
<p>Some kids are just not appreciative. They get into those moods and often say things they do not mean. Or mean things that just are not true.</p>
<p>I think that daughters are more citical of us than our sons because they see us as role models. Do our daughters feel that they have something to prove in the way that our generation of women did regarding success in the workplace? Maybe we haven’t progressed as far as I thought.</p>
<p>“Do our daughters feel that they have something to prove in the way that our generation of women did regarding success in the workplace?”</p>
<p>cronie,</p>
<p>I think they experience the same conflicted thoughts that many of us did. My life is much like yours. I am an attorney who worked full time during my childrens’ younger years, then part-time for many years until a situation with my eldest child led me to stop practicing altogether. My daughter is appreciative of the time I took with her and her brothers, but she has said things in recent years that stung, so I know what you are going through. What has been more interesting lately is how her conversations with her dad differs from her conversations with me–they talk to each other like “working professionals” and even though I get the same information, I can really feel the difference in the tone and delivery and it makes me feel in some way diminished. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do.</p>
<p>When my kids say things to me like your daughter said to you, I try to remember through my hurt and confusion, as many posters have already said, that it is part of their process of growing up and sorting things out. I try to be thankful that our relationship is one that allows them to express themselves freely, even though it sometimes hurt. Clearly, you have not “gone wrong.” It looks to me that you have done a great job with both your children.</p>
<p>I think this is the time they are trying to figure out what kind of life they want to have in the future. </p>
<p>The new boyfriend may be telling the daughter that he expects his future wife to work, to carry the weight. The daughter may be saying, “but my mother stayed home, and my parents are very happy.” And the boyfriend is saying, “Well, I think your mother is just being lazy.”</p>
<p>It is part of growing up. They will get a lot of datapoints from outside source (new boyfriend, boss, girlfriend). It is up to them to sort out their own value and what will work for them. The process may be painful to everyone around them, especially to the parents, because it’s our value (also theirs) that they are challenging. Someday they will find what works for them, but what we have provided is a base line for them. Even if they should choose a different path, it shouldn’t diminish what we have done with our lifes.</p>
<p>I agree whole heartedly with Spelmom about the “conflicted thoughts”, especially for a 23 year old. I thought it was quite mature of her to recognize that she hurt you with her comments and that a day later she was able to communicate her true intent. </p>
<p>Also, I agree with ellemenope about working first - I worked for twelve years in my field but giving it up wasn’t an easy thing to do. In hind site I would have done some things differently, but am thankful I had that time with my kids.</p>
<p>oldfort makes a very good point. If bf and gf have had very different experiences as far as parents working, they will have very different expectations of each other and of themselves in that relationship. </p>
<p>I am reminded of my then 4 year old S who was contemplating marriage with C from his daycare center and announced that when he grew up he wanted to be a teacher and when he got home from work, he would help C with the housework. He was obviously expecting that C would be working as I was (and as C’s mother was) and that he would help C as my H helped me.</p>
<p>Marite, that story is so sweet! </p>
<p>Oldfort might be right, but the bf might not even have strong expectations. The OP’s D might be trying to work out the family, home, career juggling act in her own mind. On the one hand she might be wondering how women/families do it, on the other hand she might be thinking that if she started a family in a few years that she would like to be home with a newborn. She also might feel that all of the work she put into developing a career to date will be wasted should she decide to stay home. These are all tough decisions, and she might be feeling uneasy, and burdened by some of these decisions and uncertainty.</p>
<p>Edited to remove original post & to say: sorry, I’ll stop posting in this thread… being one of those silly kids who can’t possibly understand yet, and all that. However, it is an important topic to me, and I’ve given it a lot of thought over the past year or so.</p>
<p>Re: Daughters being more judgmental than sons. I think that’s usually true, but…</p>
<p>I’ve seen a few situations where the opposite was true. One of them is as follows.</p>
<p>Husband was first man to <strong><em>, but you all know his name. Couple gets divorced, wife gets a good (but fair) amount of his money. She starts a successful business with this money after not having a career of any sort for the years she was married. Son goes, “My mother’s new business shouldn’t even exist! The money she used to start it wasn’t HERS!” It is pointed out to son that his dad would sure as heck not have been the first man to </em></strong> if his wife hadn’t been taking care of all his many, many other responsibilities.</p>
<p>I just think a LOT of people have NO idea how much stay-at-home moms contribute to the family. A LOT of people don’t see it as what it often is, which is one person making it possible for the other person to do what they do while having a healthy, happy family.</p>
<p>marion: “I have two daughters. One of them always talks about how amazing I am doing all that I do, how cool I am, etc. The other criticizes me constantly.”</p>
<p>Truthfully it is the personality of the daughter, imo. I have two daughters and a son (middle child). Oldest d: critical and I have learned that it is her problem, not so much mine, and a shame for her, not me. Youngest d: less critical in all aspects of her life. </p>
<p>What has been fun to watch: oldest d disdained mom’s choice of clothes for her - the pained look on her face when I picked something out for her was priceless; youngest d (rising senior) thinks I have the best taste as do her friends. Youngest d has an overflowing closet just because she is so fun to buy for and shop with. Now oldest d wants me to buy and shop for her. Swear I haven’t changed. Just oldest d realized exactly who was losing out because of the attitude - and I am not sure she would have relented if she hadn’t watched youngest d happily stuffing clothes in her closest and getting the “oh, that is so cute - where did you get it” from others. </p>
<p>Btw: stay-at-home mom. I am not someone who can do it all - at least the way I want to do it, and my husband is not a laid-back individual. The stay-at-home bit worked for us. My mom worked from the time I was a toddler, and - along the lines of being different from mom 
- I was well aware of the downside of having a working mom. Funny, but she stayed home to raise my much older sisters, and they all became working moms.</p>
<p>Just want to add that regardless of how my ds and s feel about it, I so enjoyed the time I spent with them as they grew and would make the same choice all over again.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Hear hear. In case of divorce I would be entitled to at least half of our assets - even though I only worked on and off during the marriage. The h may have contributed a salary, I invested and managed our finances. Seems like I have a knack for such things and we are financially independent today and he is in a position to retired way before retirement age because of my contribution. Not only my h benefited, his friends benefited from my investment strategy as well, one of them, an MD let slip some 1/3 of their assets is based on a certain investment - something that I passed on to them. </p>
<p>I am lucky both kids seem to have tremendous respect for me, as do their dad. Don’t know about the future however.</p>
<p>camelia, I don’t think you needed to remove your post. I think it’s good that you are giving some thought to the situation. It shows your maturity.</p>
<p>There are some perspectives on this issue, though, that can only come from those who have been through the experience.</p>
<p>Re: husbands…mine was very supportive of my staying home until recently. I don’t think he has truly changed his mind about the value of the decision, but rather is feeling a lot of financial pressure with the college bills and the rising prices. As a result, he sometimes says hurtful things. My body is starting to slow down some, and the demands on me are slightly less with one child gone and one finally potty-trained (she has special needs, so it took 9 years), and so for the first time in 20 years I’ve taken some down time to do things like talk on CC. He sees this and thinks I have too much free time, and I guess he assumes this is the way it always was for me. Not so. If I can relax some now, this is my payback for years of being on call 24/7 and never taking a moment for myself. As they say, “A man may toil from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done” (or something like that). For years I worked relentlessly from early in the morning to late at night caring for the children and managing the household, and for a lot of that time he was away on business. When he was home, he always could read the newspaper and otherwise relax while I handled the homework and bathtimes, etc. Now it’s my turn because I’m plumb tired out.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>And I hope that she told him that she expects him to clean and carry the weight at home also!</p>
<p>camelia, I missed your post, but I can’t imagine you having posted something I wouldn’t have been interested in reading - even if I disagreed with it. :)</p>
<p>I remember as a 20-something being so disdainful of my mother, who stayed at home with my brothers and me when we were little, then got a part-time clerical job when we were all in school. I don’t know how she put up with my snide remarks.</p>
<p>At the same time, I couldn’t stand it when people told me I might feel different when I had kids. I was so sure I was going to be a businesswoman, rising to great heights in the corporate world.</p>
<p>One of the biggest surprises of my life was, you guessed it, my strong, maternal feelings after my daughter, and then my son, were born. I eventually did stay home. . . I have worked part-time, full-time and no-time. My kids seem appreciative and I have seen examples of successful parenting with two full-time careers, but it just wasn’t for me.</p>
<p>Still and all: I would not feel comfortable if my daughter were to tell me she wanted to be a housewife when she grows up!</p>
<p>mathmom, I deleted it because I worried that it might seem too judgmental… I have strong opinions on the subject and have to be careful not to cause offense. :o
</p>
<p>Camelia, if you both are working full time, I agree in general, both should contribute equally to the housework. Somewhat related was a recent New York Times Magazine article about the efforts of some families to have equal parenting. Not always as easy to accomplish as one might like: <a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?_r=1&ref=jobs&oref=slogin[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?_r=1&ref=jobs&oref=slogin</a></p>