An except from a forward he wrote in the book of Marilyn Hagerty, a small town restaurant reviewer. Mr Bordaine came to her defense when she was shredded on the internet following a glowing review of Olive Garden
‘…watching Marilyn struggle to find something nice to say about a place she clearly loathes is part of the fun. She is, unfailingly, a good neighbor and good citizen first — and entertainer second.’
I think those words would sum up Mr Bordaine very well - he always struck me as ‘the nice guy’; a kind person and a good citizen of the world.
Yes. I always feel infinitely sad for the people left to pick up the pieces. I will miss his contributions and his opinions whether or not I liked them.
@romanigypsyeyes I appreciate your sharing. Any thoughts of what to look for in high schoolers? Or do you think their issues are different than the depression you describe? (It could be, I’m just looking for things to tuck into my mind when/if I see something. It’s really depressing in itself when a high schooler - or college student - commits suicide or gets far enough along that path to try it.)
@Creekland my depression hit its lowest point when I was a junior in high school. The hard part with high schoolers is that it’s already a generally moody phase so signs can be overlooked.
A few to look for:
-Sudden weight changes (gain or loss) can indicate either bingeing or a lack of desire/energy to eat
-Sleeping significantly more than usual. Alternatively, sleeping significantly less than usual- to the point that it’s clouding their mind during the day
-Sudden, dramatic changes in interests
-A lack of attention to their normal hygiene schedule- including neglecting hair, make-up, etc if that’s part of their normal routine
-Wearing long sleeves and long pants when it wouldn’t normally be appropriate. Some people with depression turn to cutting and high on the thighs and arms is where people most commonly cut as they can be hidden.
-A lack of interest in friends/significant other. If your teen stops hanging out with friends or starts finding reasons to avoid people, that can be a sign.
-A shorter temper than usual
-Sharp downward turn in school performance- forgetting tests, neglecting homework, etc in a normally studious teen
And sometimes, there are no signs at all- especially among suicidal people. A lot of people who survive suicide attempts state that they took pains to hide their suicide plans from their friends & family.
The number one thing that got me through my depression was having parents who had been open and honest about mental health for a long time. They began to notice changes and poked me about it. I didn’t open up. It wasn’t until I got really bad that they forced me into treatment. I was bitter at the time but I’m so grateful now.
They also listened to me. I was originally put on drugs to stabilize and then put into talk therapy. I went through a few therapists and just wasn’t at a place where I could talk about anything. They listened and we stuck to just the meds. It was what I personally needed at the time.
If you ever feel like you might know someone in distress, calling the suicide hotline is a great resource. It’s not just for people who are on the verge of suicide- they offer a plethora of resources for loved ones who may have loved ones with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. NAMI is another good resource that @MaineLonghorn often recommends. I don’t have as much personal experience with them but I’ve had friends with good experiences.
^The cases I can think of from our sphere are so varied that it would be hard to put a finger on any one thing. They were certainly not all due to major depressions.
As I said, depression doesn’t always show ANY symptoms. But creekland asked what to look for. Those are some possible signs. Of course, none of those indicate conclusively that one has depression.
As someone who has heard the words “I’m afraid I’m going to harm myself”, it is very, very difficult to not put a normative lens on these tragedies, but I’m going to say that Anthony Bourdain didn’t do this to his child, family or fans – tragically, his demons won that day. For many, it is literally a daily battle, sometimes minute by minute.
I was told to imagine the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, magnify it immeasurably and know that it would never cease or abate. And that was my future.
I am in awe of people who manage and battle this illness.
I’ve read depression described as a monster that lives in your head that wants nothing more than to get you alone in a room and kill you. Clinical depression sounds like a horrible and exhausting condition to manage.
If you want to learn more about depression, I would reccommmend “ANDREW SOLOMON, WINNER OF THE 2001 NONFICTION AWARD FOR THE NOONDAY DEMON: AN ATLAS OF DEPRESSION.” Sorry for the caps. It’s okay to be lazy on the weekend. Right? I couldn’t finish this excellent book. It was like rubbing salt in a wound.
For many, every time you experience a depressive episode it is worse the the prior episode.
TatinG wrote: “A terrible thing to do to his child. And his friends and family.”
That’s easy to say from the outside looking in. When my depression was at its worst I was convinced that my dying would be the best thing to do for my children. He may well have felt the same way. Depression takes away all ordinary logic and distorts ideas of consequences. While suicide seems selfish to survivors and outsiders it feels like a selfless act to many who turn to it as the only imaginable solution.
If you know that someone is depressed, and that person suddenly seems stronger and more optimistic, beware. It might well be that s/he has decided to die by suicide and is therefore feeling more empowered and at peace.
I’m just deeply saddened at those who suicide and the loved ones left behind. I cannot imagine the depths of despair that would make suicide and its aftermath seem the best decision.
It saddens me greatly that depression and suicude is on the rise I the US. I do not fault people who suffer from chronic illness—why blame them for things they would never have chosen for themselves?
I have asthma, as do my kids and H. Folks generally don’t blame us for that but I do know there IS stigma attached to some other health conditions and it just makes it tougher for those sufferers.
This is why I say that severe depression has more in common with delusional thinking than with sadness and even grief. If people could understand the way depression distorts your thinking, I think they would have more compassion and treat it as the disease it is.
@gallentjill I agree with you. The times I have been highly depressed, I do think my depression led to delusional thinking. When I was suffering from postpartum depression and could not breastfeed my daughter (she would not latch on) I was convinced that it would be better for me to die- better for everyone, I could not do the most basic thing for my daughter (so I thought). Looking back I can see how delusional this was, but at the time I was quite convinced.
“My response was specifically to the suggestion that Bourdain would still be alive if he just went in the sun.”
Numerous sources provide suggestions about how to get out of depression. They include: Call a friend or relative. Change your environment. Exercise. Seek therapy. And so on.
Darkness can lead to depression. That is obvious to most folks, and is supported by research. I would absolutely be depressed in Siberia in the wintertime.
Yes, some people will be depressed anywhere (sunny or not) but getting out, interacting with others, and trying to change what is not working are not absurd recommendations. If they were, what would be the point of calling a suicide hotline? Seriously. Isn’t simply talking on the phone to someone (who you don’t even personally know) viewed as a possible lifeline?
I don’t know if Bourdain would be alive today if he had decided to go downstairs and eat dinner with guests, as expected. Maybe if he had, he’d have carried on for one more day. Or maybe not. But, it seems to me, at least, being alone when you are seriously depressed is not at all helpful. Being alone in rainy Seattle and in possession of a shotgun is also not helpful.
If only it were that easy. I can only speak for myself (but my education and words from therapists would back me up). When someone is depressed it is not possible to simply get up and go downstairs to dinner !!! That’s like asking a blind person to read you a road sign or someone with bone cancer to forget about their pain for an hour.
Depression is an immobilizer. In order to just go down to dinner one would have to believe the friend actually wants him/her there, find energy to shower, make a decision about what clothes to put on (which can be next to impossible because decision making can be paralyzing) find energy to get out the door and down the stairs, stop paralyzing thoughts of judgment and shame for having so much difficulty doing these things, and so much more that you cannot understand unless you’ve dealt personally with this disease.
As far as calling a suicide prevention hotline: you have to first believe your live is worth saving.you have to want to live. You have to have the psychic energy to pick up the phone and place the call. Depression often means total lack of inertia. Simply getting out to bed sometimes takes hours to accomplish.
There are some rare, blessed moments when reaching out to a friend or stranger seems like a good idea. We don’t know how or why these moments occur. If we are fortunate some power or momentary break from the DISEASE allows one to do so. And then we can begin to fight a long battle against the disease.
Questions of “why don’t they just,” are judgmental and come from lack of understanding. Why doesn’t my neighbor with CHF just turn off her oxygen for an hour or two and walk around the block?
I agree that one has to have the ability to make a change. If one is immobilized, there is no point in telling that person to pick up the phone, or to do any of the other things that could possibly help. As you described, they are effectively paralyzed. What goes unstated is that, when people post the suicide hotline number, it is directed only at those capable of affecting a change. Maybe Bourdain and Cobain did not have that glimmer of hope and were immobilized.